I can't fuckin' afford it

farmboy, are you crying? What's wrong?

Oh, man. (farmboy wipes his face, blows his nose)

Bad day. Bad afternoon. The day started out good. I went to see a counselor...

Wait. When did this come about?

I'll tell you in a minute. Let me get this out first.

So I went to take care of my niece at the brother's house. And for some reason I thought I'd look at my finances for the rest of the summer, and I feel like I'm fucked, man, you know? Fuckin' finances, man.

So I start panicking and I get all fuckin' freaked out. And I'm at my brother's, and I take my niece to this children's show that's free. This clawhammer banjo player. He's pretty good. You know, I play banjo, but I just can't figure out clawhammer. I always did bluegrass, you know, Earl Scruggs style, but that was back...

So you take your niece to this show...

Yeah, and it's one of those events with all these parents who are kinda...upper middle class, I guess, and the everybody's eating pizza and drinking soda and beer and my niece asked if she can have pizza. (starts to cry) And I can't...I can't fuckin' afford it. I mean, I have one dollar in my wallet...Jesus...

I am so sorry.

farmboy, don't apologize...

I am such a fuckin' failure...

farmboy...

So I have this little part time thing of babysitting my niece, and they won't need me next week 'cause my sister-in-law's mom is coming to visit, which is great, and she'll be spending some good quality time with my niece. And all that means for me is that I have next week free, but that also means I won't be making any money. And I feel bad anyway because I'm so fuckin'...I don't want to say poor...

You need the money.

Yeah.

So then I go to the coffeehouse and one of my friends is outside smoking a cigarette and I tell him that I'm too depressed to go in and that there's nothing to be concerned about and I'm trying to hold back from crying, but I'm not being successful and now I'm embarrassed and I feel guilty and I...

Guilty? What are you feeling guilty about?

I feel guilty if I...I don't want people to be concerned.

About you?

About me.

But they're your friends, farmboy.

I know. But I still feel guilty.

So here I am, at home, worried that people are going to be worried about me and then thinking what am I thinking? The world doesn't revolve around me, you know. My friends have lots of other things to worry about. I shouldn't flatter myself by thinking that people would worry about me.

farmboy?

Yeah, man?

I'm glad you're seeing a counselor.

Me too.

Did it go well?

It did, yeah. He has a dog. I mean, the dog was in his office. I like that. I trust dogs.

Excuse me, man. Sorry.

(farmboy goes into the bathroom for, at the most, two minutes. He returns, smelling of smoke.

Marijuana, man. I've earned it.

I'm not going to argue. Do you feel beat up, farmboy?

How do you know that?

You've said it before.

You know, I don't feel beat up though. At least not yet. But that usually comes with a direct conflict with another person.

And this time it's with yourself.

Fuckin' lonely, man. I'm glad you're here.

Right now, right this minute

So, man, today was a good day. I didn't smoke weed after I got up and I did some Kickstarter stuff, and that went really well and set the tone for the rest of the day.

You know, it's really good to hear that your day went well, farmboy. I haven't been seeing that very much lately.

All that fuckin' job shit. It's always in the back of my mind, man.

So I'm gonna keep doing this Kickstarter thing. I mean, I might as well, if only for the diversion from all that work shit, you know? But mainly, I get to make a CD. I meet with my friend who's gone through the process on Friday afternoon.

Sounds good, farmboy.

Yep. And I got the new Gillian Welch CD. For right now, right this minute, life is good.

What firecrackers sound like

Fourth of July, man. I didn't feel well today, so I almost missed it. But I went outside and listened to fireworks. And then...

You listened to fireworks? Firecrackers?

Well, yeah. I mean, I did watch them, too. But I just wanted to know what firecrackers sound like, you know?

So what do they sound like, farmboy?

Popcorn. They fuckin' sound like popcorn, man. It's cool.

walking on eggshells

I am walking on eggshells

and there is no one around

but me

I have no story

I have no story

no wisdom to my name

so don’t ask me

any questions

go ahead

ignore me

I am made of cellophane

leave me alone

is my suggestion

my mind is rough

my heart is empty

I only breathe and live

there is no love

try and tempt me

I have nothing left to give

I have no story

no sins to atone

I have no story

forever alone

Mr. Advice

Any new lyrics for me today, farmboy?

Man, let me tell you, I had the experience of looking over stuff I've written recently and there was this one song that I think I showed you. And I tried playing some guitar behind it and you know what?

What?

It fuckin' sucked. I mean the words. The words that I showed you. I'm so fuckin' embarrassed.

Wait, farmboy. So you're saying you showed me some lyrics and you don't like them.

Yeah, man. I made a fuckin' mistake.

Well, congratulations!

Huh?

You discovered that your earlier writing didn't work out to your liking. So you've got that out of your way. And now you can try other things. Listen to your heart. You are capable of great things if you listen to your heart.

Um...Thanks. I may have to think about that.

Since I'm being Mr. Advice...

Mr. Advice. I like that.

...here's something else: Embarrassment is overrated.

I'll have to think about that one, too.

Sorry, farmboy.

No, no, that's okay. I like to think sometimes.

This is anxiety

Tough day?

Um, I'm not sure how to explain this. More of a useless day, where I didn't do a fuckin' thing. And I don't know...it may have been necessary. I don't know. I've been so stressed out, like you wouldn't believe, and it just gets worse, much worse, and I've been in this state of panic...last night I was worried, you know, 'cause it had gotten so bad.

Did you take a clonezapam?

No, but I will. It always takes me a while before I realize that this is anxiety and this is why I have prescribed medication for it. Before that I figure it's some kind of character flaw or something. Anyway, I figure it's my fault, that I'm a bad person. and I need to beat myself up about it. And then, finally, it gets so bad that I realize it's fuckin' anxiety and I have pharmaceutical ways of dealing with it.

So, farmboy, how are you doing now? You should have come to me to talk. Maybe we could have done something about it sooner.

(hangs head) I'm sorry, man.

No, that's not what I meant. There's nothing to feel sorry for. I'm sorry if it came across that way, farmboy. I just want to help, and I think I felt a little bad that you felt so bad by yourself. I worry sometimes, but I know you'll be fine. You're a smart guy.

I'm wouldn't be so sure about that.

I'm completely sure.

See, that's what I like about you. You have faith in me when I don't, man.