It's not going to get better, is it?

Man, I hate living in dread. So I'm thinking about a time where I'll play gigs and have friends. Where I can have adventures and feel the winds of other places, places where I'm not supposed to be. Where I can feel loved and I can also love. And I have to believe that day is coming, 'cause I've been so worried and anxious and hated-filled and mostly afraid. I'm so fuckin' tired, man. I'm just fried.

I know, farmboy. I know.

(farmboy starts crying) It's not going to get better, is it?

It will.

Farmboy, right now you're seeing everything through the eyes of your depression. Or, as you have said, mental illness. Okay?

Yeah.

Life has been bad before and life has been good before. Just relax. It'll work out.

Okay. I hope so.

Relax, farmboy. Breathe.

(farmboy takes a deep breath, holds it, and exhales. And repeats.)

You'll be okay, farmboy. Everything's going to be okay.

I love self-medicating

I'm depressed. I have no energy and I need to go to my brother's house and wash clothes. I'm trying not to let my fuckin' negativity take over.

From the sounds of thing, farmboy, it sounds like you've been pretty isolated lately.

Since I came back from California, the only person I know that I've seen has been my counselor, which was yesterday. I am isolated. I'm sad and I'm trying to hold my anger in. It may be a good time to numb myself. I love self-medicating.

farmboy...

Look, in just a couple of days I'll be at work. I don't want to get started.

I can imagine.

Just take care of yourself, okay? I know this sounds trite, but it'll all get better.

I don't know, man. I hope so. I hope so like you wouldn't fuckin' believe.

Only I can prevent forest fires

Man, let me tell you. Today has been a pretty lousy...well, no, it was a morning that was so fuckin' frustrating that I went to see the counselor guy and, fuck, you know at some point I'm gonna start to crying and then they'll be some tears sliding down my face and...you gotta understand, I ain't much for crying. Most of the time I can't cry.

Is it the going back to work, farmboy?

It's the fuckin' going to a new job where I'm doing something i hate, that I'm not qualified to do, that I'm fuckin' lousy at doing. The last couple of days have been frustrating because the fuckin' school system...hey, can we change the topic of conversation? I've already wasted too much of the summer on this stupid-ass job. Fuck, man.

Let's talk about you for a change.

Not letting you off that easy, farmboy. What did your counselor say?

He said that my life is fuckin' lousy...

Come on, farmboy, did he use those words?

Um...no. But he did say that, in so many words. If you'd fuckin' let me finish...

Go ahead and finish, farmboy.

He said my life is lousy right now and that it's justifiably lousy, But he says I shouldn't make it worse by piling guilt on top of it all and beating myself up. He says it's not my fault. I felt like I was in Good Will Hunting, you know?

I totally agree with your counselor, farmboy. You have a habit of that kind of thinking in your life.

I know. I'd make some crack about the Catholic Church, but then I'd really feel guilty. I'm thinking I should maybe stay away from that line of thought, man.

What I'm saying is that you have a tendency to pile shit on top of shit. Excuse my language.

No way, man. I ain't gonna fuckin' forgive your fuckin' language. Your motherfuckin' cocksuckin' language...

I thought you'd get a kick out of that.

Yeah, I liked it. You need to cuss a whole lot more, man. It's good for you.

So I'm glad the counselor guy said that. 'Cause I was feeling guilty. I joke about it, but guilt is the main motivating factor in my life. Big time.

He sounds like he's a good counselor.

I think he is. It depends what I give him to work with, If I go in there and just cry and complain, he really can't do much. I mean, he can't read my fuckin' mind, you know? I gotta do my part. Only I can prevent forest fires.

What are you going to do between tonight and Tuesday?

Smoke weed, play guitar, the same old same old. Do some research on how to present myself on Kickstarter. Work on songs. Dread Tuesday and the ten months following that.

That's so sad, farmboy.

It the God-honest truth, man. Life is sad right now.

But it's not my fault.

This is a very good thing

Hey, farmboy, you're going back to work soon, aren't you?

Yes, but let's not talk about my fuckin' job yet, okay?

Sure. Whatever you say. What do you want to talk about?

My Kickstarter project got accepted, man. I'm hoping I can finalize everything by the beginning of September.

This is a good thing.

This is a very good thing.

Now I just need to decide how much my financial goal will be. I was gonna go for 3000 dollars, but I'm considering raising that another thousand and using a producer.

Who would you use, farmboy?

That's the thing. I don't know.

So you'll have to do some research.

Looks like it. That could be a lot of fun, you know, seeing who produced who and listening to songs on You Tube. Talking to people. Stuff like that.

That's all good news, farmboy. A new recording!

Yeah. Maybe I'll hand out "It's a CD!" cigars at the release concert, man.

I am your dog

I am your dog

I've got a bone to chew

I may look asleep

but I been watching you

I'm watching you

as you eat

and sleep

and play

memorizing

every human word you say

I'll start at the beginning

here's the prologue:

I am your dog

I am your dog

I have big sad eyes

you probably think I'm

anthropomorphized

but that's not true

(though I'm above average)

this is a dream

where I can speak your language

I'm just trying

to start a dialogue

I am your dog

you probably know this

I hope you do

everything I'm telling you

is true

'cause the fact is

I love you

as much as

you love me

I am your dog

my loyalty is taken

by you

when you give me bacon

but you

keep the chocolate away

with you

everything will be okay

and you know

that ain't no lie

your dog am I

you probably know this

I know you do

everything I'm telling you

is true

'cause the fact is

I love you

as much as

you love me

you may say I'm

anthropomorphized

but you shouldn't

be surprised

look inside

and you will see

you're a lot like me

and together we

will make it through the fog

I am your

I am your

I am your dog

haiku x 3

thank you for trying

you thought nobody noticed

I am proud of you

look -- stars are burning

bright in an old pitch-black sky

hear the coyotes

summer's almost gone

go outside and play guitar

hey, time's a-wasting!

drugs are for young people

So,man, here's some stuff I jotted down today:

drugs are for young people

because they think they'll never die

because they're young

and strong

and maybe stupid

they haven't learned yet

that every moment

must be believed for itself

Nice. Good job, farmboy.

Thanks, man. I appreciate it, I do. I don't know what this might fuckin' be, you know. If it's anything. You know, I wrote all those songs when I was in California, and now it's fuckin' killing me to make those decisions. It's like, I don't know. But I gotta make those decisions. Gotta be as ruthless as you can.

And I gotta learn to accept that it's okay to write a lot of stuff to get a little that interests you enough to work on it. And it doesn't even feel like work when it interests you to the point of -- heh heh, get this, man -- unconscious obsession. How's that for a phrase?

Sorry, farmboy, but unconscious obsession sounds like some kind of perfume named after a celebrity.

(farmboy laughs) That's my problem! I could be in advertising. I could be like one of those Mad Men-types that smokes cigarettes and drinks and has exciting sexual affairs.

You could...

I would love to have an exciting sexual affair, let me tell you. Think of the songs I could get out of something like that.

It would be fun, too.