Nerve and courage

It's another day and I'm waiting to hear from the fuckin' school district about where I'll working. So no work today. I was hoping they'd call, but they haven't. What I've done instead is a shitload of things I needed to do plus I worked on the Kickstarter stuff, which has been put off because of the fuckin' job situation.

And how is that going. farmboy?

It's almost ready. I've got the video, I've got stuff written. All I need now is the nerve and courage and I'll be set.

You have the nerve and courage. There's no problem there. Just make sure everything is where you want it. This is exciting!

It'll be sorta nerve-wracking. If you don't get enough people, you don't get anything. I mean, you have to reach your financial goal.

I really don't think you'll have any problem, farmboy. A lot of people love your music. A lot of people love you.

I hope you're right, man. I could really use a boost.

I know, farmboy. Just be patient. I'm feeling like good things are coming your way.

Thanks, man. It feels good to hear that.

All I've done is sleep

I just fuckin' woke up, man. I didn't mean to fall asleep and I fell asleep for, five or six hours. It felt really good but I was surprised by it. I( didn't know that I needed it that badly.

I'm glad to hear it, farmboy. With all the stress and your sporadic sleeping lately, your body needs to recharge.

But I didn't get anything accomplished. I only played guitar once today. I didn't write, I didn't work. All I've done is sleep.

Yeah? Well, it's Labor Day. You have a day off, remember?

Oh yeah! Labor Day! I fuckin' deserve that day. We all deserve that day.

It's here. Happy Labor Day!

Same to you, pal.

Misfortune

Hey, farmboy.

Hey, man.

I'd like to talk with you.

I'm in fuckin' trouble, ain't I? Fuck, man, I...

You're not in trouble. Why would you be in trouble?

I don't know. Seems like I'm always guilty of something.

Our relationship's never been like that. You don't have to answer to me.

So, then, why do you want to talk to me?

I'm just worried about you, that's all. I know that these past few months have been pretty bad and so I wanted to ask: How are you doing with all this stuff?

I'm completely depressed, man. I'm angry and scared and anxious. I feel like my life is something that gets done to me, instead of the other way around. And it's gotten to the point where I expect failure, you know, like "Why should I try?" I expect to lose. I can't imagine getting a good gig. I expect rejection. Which make it extremely hard to keep trying anything.

Glad you asked?

Damn, farmboy, I wish I could make it better.

You help, man. You're helping right now.

I'm just worried that you're believing these lies that you feel life is telling you right now. And I just want you to know that they're lies, and that life isn't telling them to you. All this -- I don't know what to call it -- misfortune, it's putting ideas in your head and they're lies. There is nothing true about them. You're a talented songwriter and musician, you're a good person. You don't believe it, but it's true.

Wow. That's a lot to think about.

I know, farmboy. But I think it's important.

I agree. Deep inside, I know you're right. Or at least I hope you're right.

I'm really glad to hear you say this stuff, man. I need to hear it. Thanks. You're a good friend, man.

So are you, farmboy. You're a good friend.

Awwww....

Okay, let's move on to something else.

summer's end

and summer's ending
it never really began
in my life this year
I want to ask time
can we have a do-over
if I beg you please?
but time doesn't talk
or at least I can't hear it
it just keeps moving
like an old race horse
whose feet move ever forward
only from habit

Back to music again

Man, I tell you, what a fuckin' day.

Your job?

Yeah. And, you know, it's reached the point where it's complicated with meetings and my doctor -- I had to see him today to get a note for work and, shit, I started crying in his office. Man, this is taking a toll like you wouldn't believe.

I can tell. This is all so unfair, farmboy.

Oh, man...

I'm so pissed at the amount of time and energy that I've spent and wasted on this fuckin' shit, you know? I feel like let's get back to music again. I'm still gonna do the Kickstarter thing, but I want to give it as much attention as it deserves. And I can't really do that right now. Maybe this weekend.

It would be a good diversion.

True, but the Kickstarter project is more than a diversion. Which is fine. This weekend might be good. We'll see.

I have been playing and I have even been working on one of the songs I wrote in California.

Which one?

"A Peaceful Life."

Good. I like that lyric, farmboy.

Thanks. I think it may work. I worked on that lyric a lot when I was in California, so I don't think it'll be a super-hard rewrite. We'll see, though. Right now I'm mainly working on the music.

I'm glad to hear that.

I'm glad to say it. It helps me to feel like at least that priority still exists. It's the most important one.

Thank God for Clonazepam

I just thought I should say hi.

I'm glad you did, farmboy. I've been thinking about you. Has school started?

I'm at work. I am deadly depressed and anxious like you wouldn't believe. Thank God for Clonazepam, I tell you what. This whole fuckin' period, this, what, six month period of the tearing down of farmboy's hopes?

Anyways, this all continues and now I'm working on another way of dealing with this shit. I'll tell you when I know more.

I hate that I'm paying so much attention and wasting all this time and energy on this job.

It'll be over soon, farmboy.

Yeah, but now it's gotten to the point where I can't conceive of good things happening and I'm afraid of every step I take, every encounter I have.

You still have a guitar and an imagination, farmboy.

I'm so thankful, man, you wouldn't believe.

Rat in a maze

So I'm not going back to my old school. So everything I've done has been in vain. All the phone calls, all the emails, all the fuckin' ass-kissing. None of it matters. All of the worrying, the anxiety, the anger, the pains in my stomach. I have not been listened to.

This is what I do: I run around like a rat in a maze, frantically, trying to get out, but there's no escape. I do everything I can only to run into brick walls at every turn. This is how I live my life.

I don't know about my friends at the coffeehouse. They're not even aware that I'm being left out of the big concert they're having, even though I was asked to play. They are my only friends in this fuckin' city and I'm not really part of them.

farmboy...

I don't know what to do anymore, man. I don't fuckin' know. And there's no relief, there's no release, there's no...there's no...

No what, farmboy?

Hope, man, I just don't know. I have a hard time saying there's no hope. And I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I may just be stupid.

You're not stupid, farmboy.

Man, I don't know. I've done all this red tape stuff. I've talked to the union. I've prayed.

You know, my life has been shit since 2002...

The year your father died?

Something happened to me. To my brain. And I've never ever gotten close to recovering...

farmboy, this is a lot to handle right now, taking on the past nine years. But remember all of this, so you call tell your counselor.

I may have to kill myself...

farmboy...

It's not just this job thing. Or my friends at the coffeehouse. It's that, I don't know, maybe there is no chance for me. Things have been so bad for so long...

farmboy, listen to me. Take an anxiety pill. Do whatever you need to do -- if you need to go to the store, do it now. Then come home and take care of yourself. Do whatever it takes. Watch some movie or something, play internet games, look for diversions.

I'm so depressed, man. (farmboy starts crying)

I know, farmboy, I know. I wish I could do something. It's not fair, I know.

Fairness has nothing to do with anything in this world.