blank page

I am a blank page
I have nothing on me
my future depends upon
the words you write upon me
you could write a story
you can write a tune
you can write of faith and glory
but you better do it soon

I am a blank page
my life depends on you
and your imagination
you just do what you can do
you can draw a picture
of what's in front of your eyes
or it can be pure fiction
let it be a surprise

I am a blank page
I'm here everyday, too
what you don't realize
is I am here to save you
you can have your say here
you can tell me how to feel
I am a blank page
I will contain what is real

winter winds

winter winds have announced
that it's time to stay indoors
with hot coffee and oatmeal
and a blanket that is warm
but me, I got a cold cold heart
not the Hank Williams kind
but the one that keeps you company
that's the one that's mine

what am I to do now
that all my hopes are gone
nothing helps me anymore
on this wretched road I'm on
and me, I have no joy to share
no gratitude to find
only days of loneliness
that's the one that's mine

everything I can

can you forgive me?
I'm guilty of crimes
against myself
time after time
I convince myself
that I have no hope
that nothing happens
I'm at the end of my rope
what am I doing
to get out of this jam
everything I know
everything I can

time moves slowly
and fades fast away
with nothing to hope for
and nothing to say
and still I keep acting
like changes will come
but change doesn't happen
it all stays undone
what I am doing
what is at hand
everything I know
everything I can

if someone could help me
I wish that they would
everything I am
is misunderstood
I fight for each breath
to bravely break free
but nothing happens
to satisfy me
but still I keep going
according to plan
with everything I know
I'll do everything I can

ocean

I miss the ocean
it was once my front yard
right at the end of my street
it was not long
it was not hard
I would walk there every night
when I was younger
hoping it would cure
this existential hunger
and sometimes it did
other times it hid
but it was never far away from me

I grew up by the ocean
it was once my true home
the water mixed with the blood in my veins
within it
I was never alone
but I moved far away
I didn't see it for years
but it was always with me
inside my heart
right here
and often it was
why?
just because
but it was never far away from me

I miss the ocean
I'll see it again someday
when the stench of discouragement
is far, far away
and I know what will happen
I know what I'll do
I'll walk to the shoreline
and take off my shoes
and walk in the water
be at home with the sea
it was never far away from me

what will become of me now (rewrite 1)

there is a tourist town north the border
where I spent my days chasing innocence lost
I struggled with law and with order
searching for freedom, no matter the cost

          now I see I wasted my time
          nothing happened
          in this life of mine
          only lost hope with no reason or rhyme
          what will become of me now
          
in the country I come from old men are sad
no women to turn to when the sea breeze blows cold
I never believed it would turn out this bad
not at all like all those stories you're told

          now I see I wasted my youth
          nothing happened
          when I searched for the truth
          only unanswered questions
          with no burden of proof
          what will become of me now
          
I stand at the ocean, pull my collar up high,
and stare at the water as if it were my grave
now it just hurts to be alive
there's nothing to live for
I turn toward the waves

          now I see that I wasted my life
          nothing happened
          I always hoped that it might
          I'll slowly go into that dark night
          what will become of me now
          what will become of me now
          

This life, man, this fuckin' life

I am trying, I am trying to salvage today. Seems like every day -- even the weekends -- are pretty much exactly the same. My life is in such a mess right now. I need to get a job badly because my fuckin' COBRA health insurance is going up by nearly 50% in 2020 and, damn, I can't afford it. I'm all stressed out. 

This life, man, this fuckin' life. Everything goes fuckin' wrong if anything happens. Which it usually doesn't. It's like I'm in this weird parallel universe where everything around me moves but I can't. I do nothing but make mistakes and write sad songs.

But today is going to be different, somehow. I'm going to write a song today or have some contact with another human being, you know, have a conversation or something. I don't know. But today has got to be different. I can't fuckin' take this anymore.

What are you going to do, farmboy?

I don't know. Man, my confidence is so, so low now. I don't know if I can do anything. I might not be smart enough, and Lord knows my luck department isn't doing too well. Everything in my life fucks up. It's the truth. I go to counseling, I meditate, I exercise, I eat fuckin' fruits and vegetables, but I can't seem to get rid of all this fuckin' bad luck that follows me everywhere. It doesn't go away. What am I going to do? Whatever I do doesn't work...

You speak as if it's coming from somewhere outside yourself.

It's both. It's inside and outside. But a lot of it is outside, it's stuff I can't help. Every day has its fuck-ups. I'm not looking for a perfect day, but I am looking for a day where something happens that's not bad. It has to exist. It can't always be bad news.

Or maybe it can.

my history

telephones don't ring
nobody's knocking at the door
mail doesn't come
I don't have friends anymore
I live by myself
I have nowhere to go
in this apartment building
there is no one I know

          what will become of me
          all that my eyes can see
          are signs of pain and loneliness
          that make up my history

nobody speaks
I don't hear a voice
but being alone
makes its own kind of noise
it screams inside me now
I can't hear anything else
I'm begging of you, please,
keep me away from myself

          what will become of me
          all that my eyes can see
          are signs of pain and loneliness
          that make up my history

I'll be okay
I'll be all right
maybe sleep will save me
when I turn out the light
when I am unconscious
I am okay
at least until I wake up
and face the new day

          what will become of me
          all that my eyes can see
          are signs of pain and loneliness
          that make up my history