I used to drink whiskey

Today's the last day of September.

Does that hold any special meaning for you, farmboy?

Not really. If it did, it would be this year, because today I bought some weed. I loves me some marijuana, man.

I know.

Have you ever tried it?

Yes. And I like it. I tend to go more for wine, though.

See, I wish I liked wine. I wish I knew how to drink, 'cause drinking's got so much going for it. It kinda looks cool sometimes, and I like the idea of passing around a guitar and a bottle of whiskey. But, man, I can't take the fuckin' taste. I like beer once in a while -- preferably Corona, with a wedge of lime, please. And preferably when smoking weed.

As far as I'm concerned, you're just asking for trouble when you drink whiskey.

Maybe for some people. I know people who handle it well, though. I think it depends on who you are. I used to drink whiskey...well, no, I drank tequila. Straight. I once even ate the worm during an all-night jam at the Mill in Santa Paula, California, which used to be a feed store. Now it's a museum. I spent a lot of time in Santa Paula as a young man, you know, 19-20 years old. We were wild. Those were amazing times with amazing friends, amazing musicians.

Speaking of socializing, are you going anywhere tonight?

I'm going to the coffeehouse to hear some friends of mine.

Are you playing?

Me? No. I'm gonna be an audience. It'll be social and fun and it'll have no nerve-wracking anxiety that performing brings. Not that I don't love performing, I do. But it will be fun to have a night where I just see friends and hear music.

What are you going to do tonight, man?

Just stay at home and read.

Wanna come with?

Thanks, but I'm in the middle of a novel that's pretty suspenseful.

What is it?

I've forgotten what the name of the novel is, but it's written by some writer from Sweden.

I've heard of that, but I forget his name too.

I'm reading an autobiography by a musician names Bob Mould. He was in a band called Husker Du. It's a good book. I don't know much about him or the band, but it's really interesting.

Oh, man! I just looked at the clock and it's time for me to get ready to go.

Well, farmboy, have fun seeing your friends.

Thanks. And you have fun reading, okay, man? Catch you later.

Priorities, man

I'm sorta depressed, man.

The job situation, farmboy?

Yeah. It never fuckin' stops, you know.

So what's the news?

There is none. I'm just waiting, just like I did yesterday.

I know sometimes when you're depressed you tend to isolate yourself, farmboy. So I have to ask: Did you go outside your apartment today?

(laughs) I said I would yesterday, which is one of the reasons I went out today. It was interesting.

How so?

Well, I went to the library because some books I had requested came in. Then I went to the coffeehouse, just to see people I know. Anyway, I got introduced to this guy who played guitar. So I asked him if he'd play a song for me. And he was amazing. He played in that Chet Atkins style. Nice guy, too. He's done all these things, you know. He played on A Prairie Home Companion, he's played in Nashville, that kind of stuff.

So of course I'm comparing myself even though what I do is completely different. And so I'm feeling, uh...envious, I think. Or jealous. One of those things. Which is an emotion that I'm very uncomfortable with.

farmboy, you're uncomfortable with a lot of emotions. Maybe all. Except self-loathing, maybe. (pauses) I'm being serious here. I hope you don't mind the observation.

I kinda do, but that's okay. It's true. That's why I mind it.

So, I mean, it was all fine. Like, I asked him questions and asked him to play some more songs. His playing was fuckin' great, man. But inside I felt like a failure.

The only good thing about those situations is I know it's my problem, you know? I know it's my own insecurities coming out. Pisses me off. But I'm aware it was nothing this guy did. It's my problem, you know.

I'm glad you know that, farmboy.

Thanks. I'm glad I know that, too.

So it's over now. And what did I learn? Well, in this weird roundabout way, I went back to what I thought a few weeks ago: I need to do stuff to raise my self-esteem and self-worth. Because that jealousy was my low self-image talking, you know? Does that sound crazy?

Not at all.

So now I'm back to that, which is okay. I know I'll have top go back to this lesson every so often. It's just been the last couple days that I felt like this. And that's got to come to an end. 'Cause I've got a fuckin' CD to make, man.

That's right, farmboy.

Priorities, man. Songwriting. Recording. I have to improve my self-image so I can give the music close to what it deserves.

Close?

Music is so wonderful, man, that I can't imagine ever giving it all it truly deserves. I am humbled by music. There's nothing more important in my life.

Same old same old

Hey.

Hey yourself, farmboy.

So it's been a...well, you know, I want to get my job situation straightened out. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm getting a little bored and somewhat worried the longer it gets.

Of course, I did do rewriting on two songs and did do the work needed for the CD today. So that's a plus. On the other hand, I never left the house today.

And who's choice was that?

Oh, it was all mine, completely mine. I was going to go out, but there was really no need. If I went out I was gonna spend money and buy things I didn't need.

Like what?

You know, bad food, non-nutritious food. I don't want to go out if I'm gonna buy potato chips and doughnuts, man. That shit ain't no fuckin' good for you, you know. Plus if I'm at home I ain't working off the calories.

So it hasn't been a bad day by any means. I just know that it can't stay this way forever. I mean, I need to make a living, man.

It's good that you're getting things done, farmboy. The CD, all the Kickstarter stuff...

Yeah. Plus I've gotten to bond with the new Wilco album. I love my Wilco.

Good album?

It's very good. That Jeff Tweedy guy, man. And all those guys in the band, they're so fuckin' good. The CD gets better the more you listen to it, too, which I like a lot. I love when that happens.

So what happens tomorrow?

As far as I know, the same old same old. Except I will leave the apartment at some point.

monday haiku

there are some mornings

when you am glad for living

this ain't one of them

no, this is Monday

and you have to go to work

no breakfast for you

you wake up too late

because you stay up too late

not enough weekend

all the joy is gone

done drained out of you today

because of Monday

which is a fucked day

move on to Tuesday, Wednesday

or any other

'cause there ain't no use

for a day such as Monday

it is pure evil

Instead of farmboy totebags

How are you doing, farmboy?

I'm okay. I'm getting concerned about the job situation...

Which you haven't been talking about...

I know. And I still don't really want to talk about it. Not because I'm scared of it or something, but because I'm bored of it. I wasted so much fuckin' time this summer, man, by worrying and stressing over this fuckin' job that I try not to now. Because of the resentment.

Now, also, I have the Kickstarter project. And then that turns into an album that must be made. Not to mention the work I'm going to have to put in and making the rewards a reality.

Rewards?

You know, like pledge drives on public radio. But instead of farmboy totebags you get an original matted poem by your truly, among other things.

How many backers do you have, farmboy?

It's, like, 35.

Thirty-five poems!

It'll be fun. Seriously. I don't know much about poetry which gives mean incredible amount of freedom.

And you have been writing lyrics for years and years.

Yeah, even though that's a whole different thing, you know? But it is working with words, you know, and structure and rhythm and that kind of stuff.

Where are you at money-wise, farmboy?

Fuck, man, almost at $2500. And the goal is $3000.

So you're almost there.

With, like, 16 more days to go...

Over two weeks...

It's amazing, man. I can't believe it. I'm going to make an album. This is where I'm at my best; well, that and songwriting...

Which is a huge part of making an album, I would think.

It is. It's really the main part of my albums, anyway.

So that's taking the priority over worrying about this fuckin' job stuff.man. It's the one thing, this album thing, it's the thing that will take my attention away from worrying about something. I mean, I'm still worrying, but it's at a minimum right now, and that's because...

...because that's what you were born to do.

Right. I'm doing my real job.

A little inspiration here

Man, I went to see this movie The Tree of Life, you know? It was fuckin' great. It may be the most visually beautiful film I've ever seen. It's kinda like one of those European films I used to see in classes like Film Aesthetics 1A in college.

I also went to see Drive this past week, which was a very different movie but also extremely visually arresting. It was very noir-ish. Which I like. Which is a good thing.

Two movies in one week, farmboy. I'm glad to see it.

Well, in the summer there's not a whole lot of movies that I'm interested in. I guess I'm interested in character, maybe. Or something like that. I mean, action's okay but it's not something I need to see a lot of.

I've also been listening a lot to the new Wilco album.

Is it out yet?

It gets released Tuesday, but NPR is streaming it. I really, really like it. I've listened to it several times. I've probably listened to it more than I might have if I actually had the physical property. Then again, maybe not.

So I guess what I'm doing is, really, getting a little inspiration here with all this stuff I've been exposed to lately. Which is good, 'cause I'm really working and thinking hard about this upcoming CD. I'm getting ideas and sorting through them and making decisions and I'm in my fuckin' element, man. This is what I do.

And you're doing it, farmboy.

Yeah, I sure am, huh?

Not just a fuckin' movie

Hey farmboy! How's it going?

Okay. I've decided to take the bus to the cheap movies and I'm going to have to leave in a couple minutes.

What are you going to see?

The Tree of Life. It's a Terrence Malick film. I think it's kinda high-brow. Which is why it's a film and not just a fuckin' movie.

I read a review of it. It's supposed to be great, but try not to worry too much about plot.

That's what I've heard too.

Hey, it's time!

Go!

I'll see you later, man.