I confuse the two

Man, I got this problem. I have a friend who is going through a good time, you know, productive musically, and I'm jealous or envious. I confuse the two.

What are you talking about, farmboy? You've productive musically and you've just finished the first session for your upcoming CD. You've got the love of many, many people, farmboy.

Trust me, man, I know all this stuff. It confuses me and I hate it. I hate that I'm not feeling good for my friend's success...well, I don't know. I'm glad he's going through a good period, as far as I can see. And, really, I don't know what's going on in his life, it may not be so great. So what I don't like is that I'm making it all about me when it's not about me at all.

You don't sound so bad to me. It sounds like you know what's going on and you want to change it.

I want to be able to support him, which I will do no matter how I feel. 'Cause it's the right thing, you know? And somewhere, deep down, I'm happy for him. I'm just going through some kind of insecurity or something.

You might have to just let it pass, run its distance.

Yeah. That might be what happens. I sure hate this fuckin' feeling though. I'm really uncomfortable with it.

It'll pass.

It fuckin' better.

symmetry

take off your headphones

listen to the sound inside

the beating

of your own heart

the pounding

of blood inside your veins

listen to the sound outside

a dog barks

a phone rings

a truck zooms by

with its radio playing

the same song

you were listening to

in your headphones

All that rehearsing paid off

You're back! How did it go, farmboy?

It went well, as far as I know. I'm fuckin' exhausted, man.

Details?

All that rehearsing paid off. It took up half the time I thought it would, so there's a savings. It was because there were a lot of first takes, which is because I rehearsed these songs day after fuckin' day. Which is to say, practicing works. I still need to practice these songs, although I may take some kind of break tomorrow.

I think it went well, man. I'm still in kind of a daze over it, or maybe it's just the disbelief that it's done.

How were your performances?

Boy, they seemed sorta ragged at the time, but I think they're okay. I haven't heard the recordings yet, so I'm just going by what it felt like at the time. Which is strange, 'cause your mind is concentrating so fuckin' hard on the performance, you know?

This is why I need a producer.

But it all went good, man. The engineer, who is a friend of mine, was comfortable to be around, and I like the studio. It's homey, which I like. There's, like, Native-American stuff, which I also like. The price is good.

One thing I gotta say, man, is that I'm kinda knocked out by the support of people. I posted on facebook that I was going into the studio for the first time in eight years. Nervous? Oh no, not me.

Classy.

Man, within ten minutes my post got six responses. And they just keep coming! The encouragement is just tremendous and, man, it makes me feel so good.

Glad to hear you say that, farmboy.

So it's been a good day.

Sounds like it.

I'm just feeling good that I did it, you know? And this is just the first recording session...

Fighting the good fight

So are you ready for your recording session tomorrow, farmboy?

As ready as I'll ever be, I suppose. It's probably a good time for it -- I'm getting pretty tired of rehearsing these songs. Not that I'll be finished with rehearsing. But I'll be able to have things be not so intense.

What do you have left to do?

Well, I have to write out the lyrics for three more songs and change guitar strings. And I'd like to practice before going in the studio. I'd like to be warmed up.

Man, I take this stuff pretty fuckin' seriously, don't I?

It's important to you, farmboy. You've worked hard for this.

Yeah, but recording is like fighting the good fight. I'm glad to be able to do the work involved in making a CD.

I'm a little nervous, which is okay. It's natural, I suppose, because I haven't been in a studio to record my own stuff in, say, eight years or so. I'm making this as simple as possible. Just me and a guitar, me and the engineer, you know?

I wish you the best of luck, farmboy. Have a good time.

Thanks. I'm going to.

I felt proud of myself

So today I could've been feeling bad but it ended up being okay because I worked a bunch and turned it around.

Um...Okay. farmboy, I have no idea of what you're talking about.

Sorry. I was feeling bad because I've got all this stuff I gotta do before going into the studio on Saturday. So then I worked and got a good deal of it done. And I felt good, I felt proud of myself. I didn't remain stuck.

Good for you, farmboy. I'm proud of you too.

Thanks, man.

Man, lately I've been feeling so fucking bad, thinking that I'm not good enough to put out an album. But fuck it, you know. I'm tired of all this fuckin' depressed shit that I feel way too much of the time. I'm gonna make an album, you know?

You go in the day after tomorrow, right?

Right.

Are you okay about that?

Yeah, surprisingly. I mean, I'm nervous and not as confident as I'd like to be, but I'm rehearsed and...well, I gotta record these songs because I'm getting sick of these songs. (laughs) It's time that I did this simple recording.

You're sounding good about it all. It's good to see.

Thanks, man. It's kinda good to feel, you know? Though I'm still not all the way there yet.

living in fiction

living in fiction

is something I am good at

I've had lots of practice

living in fiction

is the choice I am making

lesser of two evils

real life can be cruel

fantasy can see you through

when life gets too tough

living in fiction

I have mastered the art

I have been practicing

all my life

I'm a lonesome guy, man

Man, I need to get a life. I am so lonely. I never hardly go out anymore. I sit at home in my fuckin' mess of an apartment smoking weed and surfing the internet. I gotta have friends, I gotta play music in front of people.

I'm not going to argue with you, farmboy. I agree with you. You've been working hard on the CD and that's a pretty solitary existence.

Well, it has to be. Or at least the way that I make CDs.

But, yeah, I gotta get out in the world. I've become so anxious all the time, so fearful. I gotta get some help, man, a counselor or something.

Weren't you seeing a counselor, farmboy?

I was. I think he got scared off when the going got tough last summer. He stopped returning my calls. I don't know.

It sure helps to see somebody, though, I tell you, man. If nothing else, you get a little less lonely. Like it helps to talk to you. It helps a lot, man. I can't thank you enough.

You're welcome.

Okay, so the verdict today is that I have to see my friends like I used to. I need to start going to the coffeehouse again. And I need to look into getting some counseling. And did I mention that I'm going into the studio on Saturday?

Your life will get better, farmboy. You're working on it. You're just feeling lonely.

I'm a lonesome guy, man. And I have ambitions in music. I ain't never satisfied, man. That's an old Steve Earle song, by the way.

Everything is a song to you.

Yeah, well, that's why I live the life I live. I don't know no other way, man.