Sounds like a fuckin' folk singer

Man, I don't know…I'm excited, I'm happy, I'm anxious, I'm worried, I…just don't know, man.

You don't sound like you're any different to me, farmboy. I do like the happy and excited part, though.

What about anxious? What about worried?

You're always anxious and nervous, farmboy.

No, I'm not!

Yes, you are. But you're changing.

So, what is all this hubbub about?

I love the word "hubbub."

That's why I used it. So, come on, talk.

I'm doing the CD release show later this month, tomorrow may be the last recording date, and I just put out the announcements on Facebook and Kickstarter. I can't believe this is happening, man. I mean, my life is just so fuckin' severe all the time, you know. And here this is happening.

I'm so apprehensive about this CD because it sounds so much like…well, so much like me.

Isn't that the point, farmboy?

Well, fuck, yeah. I'm just afraid people are gonna be expecting fancy pop arrangements…and what they're getting are original songs played on an acoustic guitar. People are gonna say "farmboy sounds like a fuckin' folk singer."

Uh, farmboy?

Yeah?

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you're a fuckin' folk singer.

Yeah, I know. I kinda prefer that to "singer-songwriter" in a way. But they're all just categories and they don't mean shit.

I think your CD is going to be just fine, farmboy. And, hey, congratulations!

Thanks, man. And, really, I think the CD will be fine. I'm just being…

Anxious and worried?

Yeah. But I'm always that, you know?

On my side

So farmboy, how's winter break going so far?

Oh, it's good. In fact, it's fuckin' great. Except that I'm smoking all my weed too fast. I gotta pull back some, 'cause I just can't fuckin' afford it, man. I'm so fuckin' addicted, man. 

But other than that, it's going well. Got to see my songwriting pals last night and that was great. I'm gonna go see a friend on Wednesday, a songwriter also.

You have talented friends, farmboy.

Yeah, man, I do, that's a fact. If I ever need an ego pick-me-up I just have to go to my Facebook page and look at the list of my friends. There's, like, four hundred of them. And they're all so talented. I mean, it's astounding.

And what they all have in common, besides music, is that they like you.

Awww...

Seriously, farmboy. You're someone else's talented friend. They like you and they respect you. They want the best for you.

They're on my side.

Exactly.

Well, I guess that's what I'm talking about.

I've been extremely blessed, man, by having the friends that I have. I don't think I'm a very good friend and...Well, it's the same old fuckin' story, you know? I wouldn't want me as a friend.

You don't really see yourself, farmboy.

No, I don't. Everything is filtered through my sick mind first.

I'm just super thankful that I have the friends that I do.

That's nice.

Awwwww. That's all, just fuckin' awwwww.

why you have to be so mean

baby, baby
why you have to be so mean
darlin, darlin'
why you have to be so mean
you threw me out
flew into a rage
trashed my good name
on your facebook page
you're the meanest woman
I've ever seen
why you have to be so mean

I don't feel guilty

'Afternoon, man.


Good afternoon to you, farmboy. It is one beautiful day outside, isn't it? Blue sky, around 80 degrees. Very nice.


It is a very nice day. I was just outside. It's fuckin' beautiful.


I've had kind of a strange day. I could not sleep hardly at all last night. I laid in bed and fought off self-pity. So I slept in, because I can. I've gotten things done today, though. So right now I'm all shaky and nervous.


Why, farmboy? Do you need to catch up on sleep?


I don't think so. I think my blood sugar may have been low. Also, I got into a thing on Facebook with some guy I don't even know. It was political, it was about gay rights. I hate bigotry of any kind. Pisses me fuckin' off, man.


Anyway, this guy was really angry and he's one of those bully people on the internet that are just looking for a fight. So after he left like five responses for me I just called it off. I wrote that I was not going to respond to or even read his comments. This isn't the point, but I'm sure that will piss him off more than anything.


Good decision. How did that make you feel?


I felt really good about it. I felt like it was a civilized response on my part. I'm also glad that I didn't resort to getting angry at him. But mostly I'm glad that I don't feel guilty about sticking up for my opinion.


Guilty? Why in the world would you feel guilty, farmboy?


I don't know. I just feel guilty when I express my opinion. Plus I'm really lousy at arguing. I never learned how to stick up for myself.


It sounds like you're getting better at it. I'm proud of you, farmboy. This is a cliche, but it's a hard world out there. You need to have enough respect for yourself that you can support your opinions, among other things.


Yeah. I do feel good about it. Now the next step is not to read his responses, no matter how curious I am.


You've got to do what's right for you, farmboy.


I know, man. I'm trying...

All that rehearsing paid off

You're back! How did it go, farmboy?

It went well, as far as I know. I'm fuckin' exhausted, man.

Details?

All that rehearsing paid off. It took up half the time I thought it would, so there's a savings. It was because there were a lot of first takes, which is because I rehearsed these songs day after fuckin' day. Which is to say, practicing works. I still need to practice these songs, although I may take some kind of break tomorrow.

I think it went well, man. I'm still in kind of a daze over it, or maybe it's just the disbelief that it's done.

How were your performances?

Boy, they seemed sorta ragged at the time, but I think they're okay. I haven't heard the recordings yet, so I'm just going by what it felt like at the time. Which is strange, 'cause your mind is concentrating so fuckin' hard on the performance, you know?

This is why I need a producer.

But it all went good, man. The engineer, who is a friend of mine, was comfortable to be around, and I like the studio. It's homey, which I like. There's, like, Native-American stuff, which I also like. The price is good.

One thing I gotta say, man, is that I'm kinda knocked out by the support of people. I posted on facebook that I was going into the studio for the first time in eight years. Nervous? Oh no, not me.

Classy.

Man, within ten minutes my post got six responses. And they just keep coming! The encouragement is just tremendous and, man, it makes me feel so good.

Glad to hear you say that, farmboy.

So it's been a good day.

Sounds like it.

I'm just feeling good that I did it, you know? And this is just the first recording session...

Remember your priorities

How far along are you with the Kickstarter project, farmboy?

Oh, man, I got live five days left and I'm 90% there. It's slowed down a lot, which I've heard is normal. I'm going to send out a reminder email tomorrow and update the information on facebook. So next week I'm going to start work at a new school with new staff and new students and complete the Kickstarter stuff.

Busy week.

Yeah, I gotta remember to take care of myself, you know, to get sleep and quiet time and all the stuff I need to do to not burn out. I'm nervous about the fuckin' job, but I tend to be nervous about everything, all the time. Like, to use a chiche, the roof's gonna fall in. I'm so overpreparing for it that I can't notice much about what's going on at that moment. Or something like that.

Can I make a suggestion?

Sure, man.

Well, to use a cliche, keep your eyes on the prize. Remember your priorities, remember what's important...

Music.

Exactly, farmboy.

Thanks, man. That's so true. Jobs will come and go, but making albums...

That's what's closest to your heart, farmboy.

Yeah. That's what's closest to my soul, man.

Very, very thankful

Fuckin' hot day, man. Upper 90's maybe?

You lived in central Texas for, what, 11 years?

I had A/C in Austin. Everything had A fuckin' C in Austin. I love Austin. I'm glad I live by family and I'm really glad I know my niece, but, fuck, man, I miss Austin.

There's terrible fires going on in Texas. In Bastrop County they've lost 1200 homes. And that was yesterday's news.

Speaking of, like, horrible unthinkable tragedies, tomorrow...

September 11. Ten year anniversary.

Man, I see all this attention and...you know, attention has to be paid towards it. I know there's probably a good amount of crass commercialism, but this is an important anniversary. I mean, we're still fuckin' here, and by "we" I mean everybody in this sad old world.

It's, like, the one thing I don't want to hear jokes about or people comparing it to other tragedies. I mean, that's something I could have never imagined, you know?

That's true, farmboy. It was horrible. Unspeakably horrible.

What are you going to do tomorrow?

I may go see my brother and his family. It would be good to get out of the house.

You know, I'm still majorly depressed and anxious, but I'm thinking I may be a little bit more social. I went to the coffeehouse tonight, I've actually been in contact with people on facebook. Kickstarter is all set up and ready to go, but I don't want to kick it off until after September 11th. So there are some good things happening, little by little. My apartment's getting cleaner, slowly but surely.

But the depression's still there?

Yeah. And I'm gonna be anxious until the fuckin' powers that be in the school district finally assign me and I get kinda comfortable there. And now the money problems are coming back because I'll be a substitute...and that's something I don't even want to think about.

So don't think about it, farmboy.

Believe me, I won't. 'Cause I've got Kickstarter and I've got new songs and I am very, very thankful for anything that is positive that has to do with music.

And tomorrow's only going to be 90 degrees.

I took a pill

How was the meeting, farmboy?

S'okay. We'll see, but I don't mean that cynically.

Here's what I've been telling some people via facebook, man. It's basically all I want to say about this fuckin' subject that I'd rather not give the time of day to.

Are you okay?

Oh, pretty much. I was anxious earlier. I took a pill. Now I'm calm, but still normal, you know? I'm not bouncing off the walls with high panic. Right now I'm more concerned with the fact that I ended a sentence with a proposition.

What sentence was that?

"It's basically all I want to say about this fuckin' subject that I'd rather not give the time of day to."

That sounds just fine to me, farmboy. We're talking speech here, not the written word.

I know. I'm just trying to be funny. You know, humor?

Har har.

So, this is what I wrote. By the way, "HR" means Human Resources. I'll catch you later, man.

Well, here's the latest. I met with [this guy] who handles disability issues for HR, and I will not be placed at the behavior school due to anxiety issues. They -- HR -- are going to try to find me a placement. This whole experience has been much more complicated than it should have been (for example, HR could have got back to me in June when I called and emailed them). But enough complaining...

Tired of my own inaction

Hey, man.

Hey, farmboy. What have you been doing this weekend?

Saw this great movie called The Social Network.

The movie about Facebook?

Yeah. It was really good. I'd like to see it again, and I hardly ever see movies twice. Maybe I'll even buy it when it comes out on DVD, but it would depend on the extras. I almost never buy DVDs. Really, I've kinda been trying to cut down on buying things, you know.

That's smart in this economy.

Well, that's only part of it. You know, like it's what's inside your mind after you've read a book...I don't know if I'm explaining it right, but I bet you know what I mean.

I do. I can relate.

Anyway, it was a great movie, just fascinating.

Also, I did some cleaning...

You??? You hate cleaning!

I hate cleaning and I live in a mess. I also hate living in a mess.

It was kinda a thing of being tired of my own inaction. You know, I feel like I'm always making plans to clean, but I never actually do it. I feel like I do that with everything. I'm always making fuckin' plans and I was feeling like I never ever really do anything. So I did something. And, I have to tell you, man, I've felt good all afternoon.

So I'm thinking I need to apply this thinking to my music. Figure out what I want and how to get it.

Great! You can start bouncing ideas off me, and I can help you make a plan.

But I'm always making plans!

But you still need to. We'll figure out actions also.

Okay. Yeah!

I'm holding you to this, farmboy.

I'm holding myself to this, too.