anyone but me

I wish I was younger
I wish I was thin
I wish I could break out
of this mess I'm in
I wish I had the knowledge
of a college degree
I wish I was
anyone but me

It's flexing a muscle

I am so fucking tired. I didn't get much sleep, then I went to play a farmers' market. So I just kinda sorta wanted to check in, you know? This is me. Checking in.


How was the farmers' market, farmboy?


It was great. I love playing things like that. You're background music, you need to be somewhat upbeat. So it's like a fuckin' workout in a way. I mean, I wouldn't want to do it all the time, but once it in a while it's really fun. It's flexing a muscle.


I also made more in tips than I did in the actual salary. That's real cool and much needed.


Good for you! Sounds like a good day.


It was. And it's gonna be a good night too. Good night, man.

Carbs and fat

Days like this are so fuckin' strange, man. I did nothing but fuckin' sleep and play on the computer and that's about it. Usually I would feel total guilt about this, but I haven't. I've only played one song on the guitar.


How about panic, farmboy? Any problems with anxiety today?


No, weirdly enough.


I've been at home all day. I didn't drive anywhere, because if I did I knew I'd spend money I don't have on bad food I don't need. You know, things with sugar or bread that I'd spread butter on. Carbs and fat. My favorite things.


No meat?


Some meat, not a whole lot. I don't eat a lot of meat because I don't need a lot of meat and people eat too much meat anyway. You know, the environment and stuff. But also, meat's expensive. I can't afford a lot of meat. But, fuck, I don't need it any way. What I do eat is generally chicken and turkey. I'll eat beef once in a while and I hardly ever eat pork. (laughs) This conversation has made a strange turn, man.


I don't know if we've ever talked about food and nutrition.


There's usually more important things to talk about, which is funny 'cause food's a pretty important thing, you know? I have a lot of problems with food. This talking about it is making me nervous,man. Let's move on.


I'd like to return to discussing food one of these days, farmboy.


Okay. But not today, all right? I've had kind of an anxiety-free day and I'd like it to stay that way, man.

I don't feel guilty

'Afternoon, man.


Good afternoon to you, farmboy. It is one beautiful day outside, isn't it? Blue sky, around 80 degrees. Very nice.


It is a very nice day. I was just outside. It's fuckin' beautiful.


I've had kind of a strange day. I could not sleep hardly at all last night. I laid in bed and fought off self-pity. So I slept in, because I can. I've gotten things done today, though. So right now I'm all shaky and nervous.


Why, farmboy? Do you need to catch up on sleep?


I don't think so. I think my blood sugar may have been low. Also, I got into a thing on Facebook with some guy I don't even know. It was political, it was about gay rights. I hate bigotry of any kind. Pisses me fuckin' off, man.


Anyway, this guy was really angry and he's one of those bully people on the internet that are just looking for a fight. So after he left like five responses for me I just called it off. I wrote that I was not going to respond to or even read his comments. This isn't the point, but I'm sure that will piss him off more than anything.


Good decision. How did that make you feel?


I felt really good about it. I felt like it was a civilized response on my part. I'm also glad that I didn't resort to getting angry at him. But mostly I'm glad that I don't feel guilty about sticking up for my opinion.


Guilty? Why in the world would you feel guilty, farmboy?


I don't know. I just feel guilty when I express my opinion. Plus I'm really lousy at arguing. I never learned how to stick up for myself.


It sounds like you're getting better at it. I'm proud of you, farmboy. This is a cliche, but it's a hard world out there. You need to have enough respect for yourself that you can support your opinions, among other things.


Yeah. I do feel good about it. Now the next step is not to read his responses, no matter how curious I am.


You've got to do what's right for you, farmboy.


I know, man. I'm trying...

The only ocean that really counts

I just thought I'd check in. It's been up and down, man. I am so fuckin' worried about money, and what pisses me off is that I'm having trouble affording food and gasoline. It's fucked. I'm hoping I can make some good money when I go down to California. I wish I had the CD ready for the shows.


I wish you did too, farmboy. But maybe you'll still sell some CDs. It'll be good for you to do some performing and to see family and friend. 


Not to mention the ocean. I'm looking really forward to seeing the ocean. The great Pacific. My father once told me that the Pacific is the only ocean that really counts. (laughs)


Well, that's one way to look at it, I suppose. It is a beautiful sight.


It'll all be good once I'm down there. I'm taking the bus, believe it or not. It's the cheapest way to go and it'll be the least amount of problems for my people down there. My brother can't drive all that much since the stroke. Fuckin' stroke, man. I fuckin' wish it had never happen. It's such a fuckin' drag for him. I can hear it in his voice.


It'll be good to see, though, and it will be good to see my sister. And the spouses and nieces and nephews and my friends. But there's a part of me that fuckin' hates to travel. I crave safety. I wish I didn't. I wish I liked adventure more. I used to, when I was younger.


You'll be fine, farmboy. It'll be good. You know, summer's halfway over. It goes fast.


You're telling me, man. Way too fuckin' fast. So it's a good thing I'm going to California. 'Cause I need to soak up the summer while I can, you know?

unemployment line

this is what I do
this is how the day begins
I get up out of bed
and I go back in again 
in time I make the coffee
wait for the mail to come
worry about money
feel like a bum 
don't matter what I do
I'm always left behind  
don't matter where I go
it's the unemployment line


fill out applications
update the resume
ignore the rejections
but they just won't go away
climbing through the classifieds
cry about craigslist
think of opportunities
that don't come
or that I've missed
tell myself that all good things
will come to me in time
but I'm lying to myself
in the unemployment line


          patron saint of all lost causes
          I could use you now
          I need all the intervention
          heaven will allow


all those soul-sucking jobs
I'd be glad for one today
one with health insurance
and maybe halfway decent pay
but no one can pay me back
for all the time I've lost
my disappearing confidence
has more than paid the cost
a chance to earn a paycheck
that rightfully is mine
it's just another day
in the unemployment line
it's just another day...

love in return

I want to know what it feels like
to feel the sun on my back
and the moon in my eyes
I want to know what it feels like
when love taps you on the shoulder
and takes you by surprise
I hear there ain't nothing to it
but I don't know how to do it
but I'm willing to learn
I want to know what it feels like
to be loved
and to love in return


I want to know what it sounds like
to hear the whisper of my name
carried by the wind
I want to hear what it sounds like
when I hear your goodbye
but know you'll be back again 
I know it ain't no crime
it happens all the time
but you tell me it ain't my concern
I want to know what it feels like

to be loved

and to love in return