rainbows in the desert sand

god help me
to be hopeful
in a hopeless land
god grant me
the ability
to want to understand
all the world below me
fades like rainbows
in the desert sand
here I am

Walter White and Jesse and Skylar

Bad day, man. Awful fuckin' day. All I do is worry and feel bad because of the mess I've made of my life.

So what I'm doing is watching the entire run of Breaking Bad. Starting from the beginning, man. Walter White and Jesse and Skylar.

Don't forget Saul Goodman. He's my favorite character.

So you're watching the show too?

I've seen it up to this last part. I haven't started the new ones yet.

I won't tell you nothing, then. It's good. I just don't want to spoil it for you.

Thanks, farmboy. I appreciate that.

Great fuckin' show, man, don't ya think? But you know what concerns me?

What's that, farmboy?

I can relate to Walter White a little too much. You know, he just kinda reached his limit and "woke up," as he put it. Then he became Heisenberg eventually and caused nothing but hurt and trouble and death.

But you know what? It's fiction. And it's fuckin' great, man.

brownie haiku

just ate a brownie
waiting for it to take hold
more than just chocolate

I can understand sadness

I'm so depressed. I've got money problems, no weed, summer break is over. There are prescriptions I need to buy, debts I need to pay, and I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't borrow money from anybody and I don't know how I would pay it back if I could. I don't feel like writing. I don't feel like doing anything except getting high and buying groceries. And neither one of those is gonna happen any time soon.

You could get lucky, farmboy.

I doubt it, I really do. I don't feel like getting into self-pity though. Thankfully. Self-pity would just make everything worse. It's pretty useless, self-pity is. I mean, I can see depression. I can understand sadness, believe me. 

I just feel so fuckin' tired.

How are you sleeping?

Okay, I guess. I sleep way too much these days.

How much money do you need, farmboy?

About five hundred, six hundred. 

That's...a bit of money.

Don't I fuckin' know it. I don't need to think about it. I've thought about it way too fuckin' much, man. 

Anyway, that's what's going on. Sorry.

Don't be sorry. I'm here to listen, farmboy.

Thanks, man. I'm tired of listening to myself.

wish I was here, first draft

I woke up this morning 

thinkin' ‘bout the night before

I daydream about my future 

all day at the company store

but when it comes to the present

what can I say?

I don't see it till it's gone away

I'm having a good time

wish I was here

I'm writing my memoirs 

as fast as I can

I’m hoping tomorrow 

comes off as I planned

I'm so torn between hope and memory

I don't see what’s in front of me

guess I’m having a good time

wish I was here

      gotta network, make connections 

for the jobs to come

      anything that means 

looking out for number one

      gotta go, gotta run, 

ain't got no time to speak

      I got to work to pay 

for what I spent last week

first I saw my therapist, 

we explored my childhood

then my financial planner who said

"boy, your future's no damn good

it says right here 

beyond a shadow of a doubt

you need a lot more cash 

in your bank account

oh, I'm having a time

wish I was here

      well, I'm telling you true, 

my sisters and bros,

      maybe I’m spiting my face 

by cutting off my nose

      but I'm beginning to think

it makes no sense

      some day I'll live in 

the present tense

when I finally arrive 

at St. Peter's gate

I'll have to say

"hey Pete -- man, you made a mistake

I can't be dead yet, 

no, not today

I’ll pencil you in for next week 

would that be okay?

hope I’m having a good time

I wish I was

having a good time

just because

having a real good time

wish I was here

wish I was here 6

when I finally arrive
at St. Peter's gate
I'll have to say
"hey Pete -- man, you made a mistake 
I can't be dead yet
not today
but I can pencil you in
would that be okay?
believe me, when I have to work
I wish I was here

I need some new blood

So I've been writing this new song, man...

That's good news.

Yeah, I suppose it is. It's probably always good to be working on something, you know, instead of just fuckin' waiting all the time for inspiration to strike.

I love that terminology. "Strike."

I know, right? It's like lightning. It's violent and you can't do anything about it. And, I dunno, I think inspiration could be like that sometimes, but you gotta be careful not to romanticize creativity in general. It's dramatic enough as it is, you don't need to...embellish it.

Creativity is certainly a mystery, though. I just want to do it justice when I talk about it. And I want to do it more than I want to talk about it.

Tell me about your new song, farmboy.

Well, I've been writing a verse a day, or close to every day. I'm gonna do this until it plays out. At certain points I'll look over things and rewrite and edit.

This is an experiment. It may not be any good, or it may be good, I don't don't know. It may not be the right process for this song. We'll see, right?

Right. I'm looking forward to hearing this new song, farmboy.

Me too. I need some new blood. You know, new songs to sing. I wanna be really fuckin' good, man. I mean, I'm fuckin' hungry for it, to show myself and others that I have just as much a right to be in that songwriting world as others.

I'm not sure what you mean...

I'm not sure what I mean, either. So let's just say I want to write the best songs I can and I want them to be fuckin' great. (laughs)  That's all I ask for, man.