worried 'bout

worried 'bout money
worried 'bout the rent
worried 'bout my paycheck
and where the hell it went
worried 'bout the groceries
worried 'bout my truck
worried 'bout my lack of faith
worried 'bout all my bad luck
worried 'bout the future
worried 'bout my history
worried 'bout the chicken
cooking on a hot rotisserie
worried 'bout the cupboards
worried 'bout the floor
and if you're still listening
I'll tell you even more
I'm worried 'bout celebrities
worried 'bout TV
worried 'bout all those computer
screens in front of me
worried 'bout every person
in my life that I've befriended
worried 'bout what I'll watch
now that Breaking Bad has ended
worried 'bout the summer
worried 'bout the fall
worried 'bout everything
and knowing that's not all
I'm worrying my life away
I guess I always will
it's a good thing that I'm taking
these magic little pills
so I don't have to worry 'bout
the voices in my head
the only thing to worry 'bout
is going back to bed

Break from the fuckin' job

Man, only two more fuckin' work days till Spring Break, during which I will work on a CD and clean my apartment. And sleep late and stay up late and smoke weed. Maybe I'll drink some beer. I don't know.

There's always heroin, farmboy.

And meth! I don't know jack shit about heroin but meth…I mean, I've never taken it, but I've seen all five seasons of Breaking Bad.

I'm looking real forward to Spring Break, though. Just that break from the fuckin' job. I'm starting Spring Break on Friday night with a performance at the coffeehouse. 

You've been performing a little bit more lately, I've noticed.

A little more, yeah. But still not enough. But any performance experience is good. I just wish I had the opportunity to do more performing.

But anyway, I think that's a good way to start Spring Break. Plus getting a little bit of money won't be bad either, you know?

It's so exciting to be part of pop culture!

Man, let me tell you, I didn't have a busy weekend and it was fuckin' great. I smoked some weed that I had saved up for this weekend and played guitar and wrote. 'Course I also jerked off, but let's not talk about that.

Yes, let's. What are you doing tonight, farmboy?

Just hanging out, man. Debating whether to try to watch the conclusion of Breaking Bad tonight or save it till tomorrow. The whole fuckin' show ends tonight, man! It's so exciting to be part of pop culture!

A lot of people have been waiting for this episode.

It's been a great ride, man. My props to Vince Gilligan.

Then it's back to mundaneville with the day job and the money problems and the frustrations of being part of the working class.

But it's been a good weekend.

It's been a good weekend.

That would be the smart thing

Fuckin' Monday, man. Four more days.

You'll make it, farmboy. You always do.

I know. It's just so...so fuckin' redundant, you know.

Redundant?

Well, that's not the right word. I mean, it's just the same fuckin' thing over and over and over. Get up, get ready, take a shower, drive to work and spend all day doing something I did the day before. Work hard all day 'cause fuckin' Portland Public Schools always understaffs classrooms. Plus, well, they hate special ed and the particularly hate the medically fragile.

But let's not get into that.

Fuck, at least I have Breaking Bad to look forward to. The show concludes next week, then I need to find some other major diversion. It's been fun, though.

What do you think that will be? This new diversion?

I don't know. It might be fun to think about. 

The possibilities are limitless!

I know! Maybe it'll be some kind of book or podcast or maybe even a TV show. Maybe I'll get into some genre of movies, you know, film noir or something.

Maybe it will be working on your album, farmboy.

Now that would be the smart thing. Just become totally immersed in the making of the album. Fuck, man, that would be so fuckin' great, you know.

We'll just have to see, won't we? Wish me luck, man.

Good luck, farmboy.

Thanks, man. I'll take all the luck this life has to give me.

But you need more than luck, farmboy.

Oh, yeah? Like hard work and inspiration? That's fuckin' taken care of, man. That's what my whole creative life has been about.

It's destroying me a little more every fuckin' day

How are you doing today, farmboy? I hope there's been a change in your life. I know that things have been rough lately.

A little better, thanks. But not much. But I'm thankful and grateful for whatever improvement there is. 

I've lost my cellphone. I've looked every fuckin' place imaginable. So now I get to be even more isolated. 

Fuck, man, I just don't fuckin' know. I get into these periods of...of...bad luck. Or something. I don't know. I've got fuckin' debts, I've got prescriptions that I can't refill, the groceries are running low and everybody wants money that I don't have. 

Work at the school is fuckin' awful. I have all these adversaries, all these...fuckin' enemies now. 

Like what?

You want names? I'll give you names.

Bank of America. What else can I fuckin' say?

Providence Health Insurance. That's a big one. Greedy fuckin' assholes. 

Portland Public Schools. Or the administration of. There are great teachers, great students, people who care. And they're at the mercy of an administration that is just fuckin'  incompetent. Those people shouldn't be working in education. I've worked for other school districts, but this Portland Public is the fuckin' worst. They don't care about the students or their employees. Damn, it's fuckin' amazing that the place even runs. 

Should I go on?

If you want.

I don't want. What I want is to get high and try to pretend that I have some sort of control over my life. 

I want to be a fuckin' professional musician and songwriter. I want to do the work I was born to do without these fuckin' leeches sucking the life blood out of me. 

I want to live in a country where I'm not sentenced to a life of fuckin' fear of getting sick or being unemployed while there are others who bleed the poor and the sick and the old and the disabled to feed their own fuckin' greed. 

You're angry, farmboy.

No shit, Sherlock. It's fuckin' eating me alive. My health is suffering, I'm living on fuckin' Top Ramen while the powers that be exploit the working people for their own financial gain, I'm so fuckin' unhappy and depressed and scared that I don't know which way is up or down.

I don't want to hate. But my anger is fuckin' killing me, man. It's destroying me a little more every fucking day.

I relate to Walter White from Breaking Bad more and more. 

You want to make crystal meth?

No. I'm gonna quote Bruce Springsteen here:

          ...I want the heart
             I want the soul
             I want control
             right now

I want control over my own fuckin' life, man. It's my life, man. No matter what these corporations and administration and banks and governments think. It's my life, and these fuckheads need to understand that.

And they fuckin' never will. 

And they need to be stopped.

Nervous all the time

How's today going, farmboy?

I don't know, man. I just don't fuckin' know. It's all about diversions now: Breaking Bad, food with sugar, even my fuckin' job...

You're back at work now? 

I'm back at fuckin' work. And it is a diversion, at least to a certain extent. I am looking forward to that paycheck at the end of the month. Of course, that's, like, four weeks away.

I'm nervous all the time now otherwise. There's no weed to calm me down. It's all fucked. I gotta find a way to get my prescriptions refilled. That would just be the worst, to go through withdrawals at the same time as all this stress.

But enough about my troubles. How 'bout you, man? How're you doing?

I'm just fine, farmboy. Just a little concerned about you these days.

No need to worry, man. I'll make it through like I always do. 

I have complete confidence that you will make it through. farmboy. But it must be tough having to deal with this...this money situation again.

Oh, it's completely fucked. man. I gotta figure out some way I can make some money with music. I mean, fuck, I just want to make a extra couple of hundred dollars a month. But I don't know, man. Everybody wants you to play for free.

But there's gotta be some way, you know? There's gotta be, man. There's gotta be a way out of this mess I've made of my life. There just has to be.

Walter White and Jesse and Skylar

Bad day, man. Awful fuckin' day. All I do is worry and feel bad because of the mess I've made of my life.

So what I'm doing is watching the entire run of Breaking Bad. Starting from the beginning, man. Walter White and Jesse and Skylar.

Don't forget Saul Goodman. He's my favorite character.

So you're watching the show too?

I've seen it up to this last part. I haven't started the new ones yet.

I won't tell you nothing, then. It's good. I just don't want to spoil it for you.

Thanks, farmboy. I appreciate that.

Great fuckin' show, man, don't ya think? But you know what concerns me?

What's that, farmboy?

I can relate to Walter White a little too much. You know, he just kinda reached his limit and "woke up," as he put it. Then he became Heisenberg eventually and caused nothing but hurt and trouble and death.

But you know what? It's fiction. And it's fuckin' great, man.

Not thinking about that now

My first Friday of the school year. Man, I fuckin' hate this going to work stuff.

But we're not thinking about that now 'cause it's the weekend! It's Friday night and I've got weed and a fresh cup of coffee. I don't have to get up early in the morning and I can stay up as long as I want. It's fuckin' great, man.

I'll bet, farmboy. Has it been a tough week?

It's been a first week back with students. It went well.

But we're not talking about that now...

No, we're not. We're talking and thinking about music and songs and an upcoming CD. We're thinking about that TV show Breaking Bad and what will be the outcome for Walter White. We're sleeping and eating turkey hot dogs.

Sounds good.

It is good. Believe me.

There is joy here, and I'm noticing it

It's up. The big 2011 farmboy Kickstarter project has begun!

Wow! Good for you, farmboy! How do you feel?

I feel okay. I got a good amount of pledges and I feel -- even more than the financial stuff -- really, uh, touched by the support. This could be really good in ways other than financial.

Now let's talk about something else.

What's the matter, farmboy? Getting a little uncomfortable, are you?

Well, yeah. You know I'm not good with positive shit. Especially when it involves those human-being types.

Yes, I've noticed.

What I need to do is process this stuff in my own way. But trust me, man, I don't fuckin' take it for granted. There is joy here, and I'm noticing it.

Good.

So what should we talk about?

What are you into these days? I mean music, film, books...

I tell you, man, I am deeply involved in that fuckin' Breaking Bad TV show.

Pretty good, huh?

Oh man, I'm, like, looking it up online and shit.

(farmboy stops talking)

farmboy, what's wrong?

Oh, it just crossed my mind. You know, here I've started this exciting project that's going to lead to an even more exciting project, and here I am talking about a fuckin' TV show.

(The interviewer is silent for a few seconds, then looks at farmboy)

Well...it is a good show...

Yeah! So, like, last night, look have you seen it? I don't want to spoil it for you...Man, so, like, Walt and Jesse, they got in this fight...

Some kind of positive consequence

So I went to the counselor yesterday. This make two times.

And...?

I like him and I think that maybe he can help me. He does these really concrete things, like I have "homework" to do. I really don't want to just go in there and complain. I want to come out with some strategies.

Have you told him this, farmboy?

Kind of. I remember saying something about strategies. I think I was responding to something he said. Yeah, I remember saying something about how I wanted strategies.

Some of them can sound kind of corny, like having a list of three blessings a day, you know, three things I feel blessed by having. Like, say...your friendship. Chicken for dinner. Getting to watch the final episode of Breaking Bad, third season. Fuckin' cliffhanger, man.

He's also having me notice when I'm living in the past or the future...

For you, it's mostly future. Wait, maybe not. You do think about how you feel things should gave gone in the past.

Yeah. It's hard to say.

Anyway, then I try to...get back in place, I guess. He calls it centering yourself, which sounds a bit too new-agey for me. But then, as far as New Age goes, I'm pretty much ignorant. Maybe I'm being judgemental about something I know next to nothing about.

I think, culturally speaking, it's not quite your style, farmboy.

(laughs) I didn't even know I was allowed to have a style.

So, anyway, this counseling stuff is turning out to be a pretty positive thing, so far, you know? Man, I'm so fuckin' glad to see that some action I've taken actually has some kind of positive consequence, you know?

This sounds pretty positive, farmboy. I'm proud of you.

Oh yeah? For what?

For taking action.

Thanks, man.

You know I'll be fine

Not much today to report, I'm glad to say. I didn't do nothin', man, I just, like, slept and watched DVDs of season three of Breaking Bad. I love that show.

Did you worry much, farmboy?

I always worry. It's always in the back of my mind. My fuckin' stomach hurts all the time, man. I had this pre-ulcer condition a while back and it is returning now that my life is nothing but constant stress and sadness and anger and especially worry.

But, fuck it, man, it was a good day, really, because I let myself have a good day. Tomorrow is Monday and I have to figure out if I'm going to California and where are some places to get gigs and then there's all that Kickstarter stuff. And the fear is that I won't do it; I'll wake up in the morning all depressed and then I'll get stoned and do fuckin' nothing. And that pisses me off. I can't afford to live my life like that. Financially or emotionally.

You know, you can come to me if you need to talk. I'm one of many who are concerned about you.

You don't have to worry, man. You know I'll be fine. My problem is I don't know that I'll be fine. But I will.

That is true, farmboy. You will.

Yeah. It's the getting there that's so fuckin' hard.

I'm off the clock

So I can't take off on Monday so I decided to take tomorrow off. Man, amazingly, I didn't go out and buy bad food to celebrate. Right now I'm baking a chicken and potatoes, and I have stuff for a salad.

farmboy, that's the most, uh, normal meal I've ever heard of you making.

Well, I had the potatoes and I had the chicken and I had the salad stuff, so there you go.

Sounds good. So, farmboy, you're taking off tomorrow.

Yeah, I got sick days and one personal day left and I'm taking everything. Believe me.

I don't blame you.

You know, it's been such a fuckin' drag at work, I don't want to focus on it now, man. I'm off the clock, you know?

So what am I gonna do, man? I don't know. But I may watch this TV show Breaking Bad that I checked out of the library. It's a good show. Or maybe I'll fall asleep. I don't know. I just want to relax, to not worry, to not be stressed out. I don't want too feel angry or that I should be doing something. I don't want to do stuff out of guilt. I don't know if it's possible, man. I just don't know...

You could listen to music...

I might. I don't listen to enough music, at least lately. Maybe I'll play music, too. Maybe I'll write.

It's all open, farmboy.

Just the way I like it.

Yeah, a-fuckin'-mazing. man

This fuckin' week, man, what a fuckin' week it's been. So I got to remember that tomorrow is Friday, praise the Lord. Seriously and literally.

How are you going to celebrate, farmboy?

You know, get high, buy something fun to eat, maybe watch Breaking Bad, which I checked out of the library. Play guitar, listen to music, stay up late...

Go out?

I doubt it. I'm going to see my brother and his family Saturday and then I'm meeting with my songwriter group Sunday night.

I'm hoping I can write a song for my songwriter group before Sunday. Man, it's been so fuckin' long. I feel so, I don't know, so...empty when I have a hard time writing.

And yet it always comes back.

Yeah, a-fuckin'-mazing. man. That's the funny thing about it. It always comes back, you're right. That's why I hate romanticizing this shit, you know, the fuckin' writer's block shit. The less attention paid to that, the better.

You sound angry, farmboy.

Oh, I'm pissed. (laughs) But I'm okay. I just want to write songs, that's all. I'm just fuckin' horny for songwriting, man.