But you can get lonely

You know, man, I've been back at my apartment for a few days now and I'm beginning to think that I need to make some changes. Because I was afraid I was gonna go back home and do things and live life just exactly like I did before. And that's what's happened. And I won't have that.

What are you going to do about it, farmboy? 

I don't know yet. I need a plan. I'm trying to give up some of my own habits but I don't have anything to replace them with. So what I need to do now is do some exploring in my mind and figure out how I want to live.

So far, a problem I have is the old isolation problem. I have to reach out; I can't really leave the apartment until I learn how to do steps and stairs, so I'm stuck here. Look, don't get me wrong, being at home is fuckin' great. But you can get lonely being by yourself all the fuckin' time.

So people are going to have to come see you at your place? What are you going to do, invite people over for coffee?

Well, uh, yeah...

I think that's a great idea, farmboy.

You know, that kind of thing. Maybe see if anybody wants to write songs or something. But I don't want to isolate myself anymore.

There it is, man: number one -- don't isolate so much.

Hopefully I'll go on to discover a number two, man. And then three.

As in, I did not die

Well, man, so far it's so far, so good.

There's a cliche for everything.

Yeah, it's part of what we fuckin' call communication. You know, people talking to each other, trying to reach understanding. Or something like that.

What I was trying to say was that I spent the weekend completely independently and I survived. As in, I did not die. I've still got a lot of limitations and challenges, but, man, it's so much better than what it's been. I am very thankful.

I'm sure you are, farmboy. Pardon the pun, but what's the next step going to be?

Stairs. If I could get down the stairs, I would be able to go outside. Then once I'm outside, I need to walk to the sidewalk. Then when I'm on the sidewalk, I need to be able to enter the passenger side of an automobile. Then when I'm in an automobile, I can go far, far away...

Away to freedom!

Fuck that. Away to the best burger joint in town, man.

Closer and closer to good as new

I took my first fully independent shower today. It felt good, man. Closer and closer to good as new, I always say.

No you don't, farmboy.

No I don't what?

I have never heard you say "closer and closer to good as new." I've never heard you say that, ever. 'Fess up, farmboy...you've never said that.

Okay, I'm guilty as charged. Satisfied ?

As much as I'll ever be.

Sheesh.

little bit scared

don't let me down
don't give up on me
I need you
to pull through for me
it's as natural as
the birds in the spring 
you're just a little bit scared

if you need someone
look around for me
I won't judge
your history
anyway
it's all a mystery
you're just a little bit scared

okay right now

I'm okay right now
no ecstasy
no sorrow
I have no idea
how I'll be tomorrow
I'll take whatever
time will allow
I'm okay right now

first night home

it's the first night home
after a long time gone
as soft as the pillow
I will sleep upon
as easy as I've ever known
first night home

there's killer weed
and online smut
the take-out special
at pizza hut
time to rest these weary bones
first night home

          break out the coffee
          it's only 2 a.m. 
          time to binge watch
          the sopranos once again

it's time for that
good Mexican beer
Sam Cooke singing
in my ear
no ringing from the telephone
first night home

Another adventure, another transition

Tonight's my last night at my brother's house. Tomorrow I go to to see the surgeon and hopefully he'll give me the okay to take my braces off of my legs, and then it's back home for me.

Looking forward to it, eh, farmboy? It's been a little while since you've been there.

No shit, Sherlock. Over three months. It'll be good to be back in in my my apartment. I'll be able to stay up as long as I want and drink coffee whenever I choose. Not that I can't do that at my brother's, but...I don't know, it'll just feel better being in my own place.

Are you going to do anything special that first night?

I'll probably order pizza, have it delivered. There's some potato chips there -- my brother went to the store today to get me some groceries. I don't buy potato chips very often. It's a real treat. It's gonna be fuckin' great.

I hope so, farmboy. You deserve one night of fun after this ordeal you've been through.

Really. I am looking forward to it. 

There's one thing that I'm concerned about, man. I really don't want to return to my old life; I need to make some changes. Starting with the fuckin' job.

But that doesn't have to be addressed tomorrow night, or even this weekend. Give yourself a little bit of a break, farmboy.

Oh, don't worry, I am. I do have a friend from California visiting on Saturday, but that should be low pressure and fun. I'm looking forward to it.

You know, really, it's just another adventure, another transition. I left the hospital and went to rehab for two months and then back to the hospital for more rehab. Then I went to my brother's. 

And now I'm going home, man.