Christmas alone

I spent Christmas alone
it will never come back
it will never be made up
that's it
happy holidays

I am so filled
with hate and anger
that I fear
I may
never recover

the Christmas I had

I missed Christmas
or Christmas missed me
some say it wasn't
meant to be
you had Christmas
with loved ones near
the Christmas I had
disappeared 
as if I was not here

my calendar 
is out of whack
because I'll never get
that Christmas back
you don't care
you had your cheer
the Christmas I had
disappeared
as if I deserved it
this year

you had Christmas
it was a good one, too
you who judged me
not good enough for you
you had Christmas
inside your happy home
surrounded by family
the Christmas I had 
was unknown

but you don't care
you had yours
and good for you
and your open doors
people of privilege
people of privilege

you had Christmas
the Christmas I had
didn't happen

you had Christmas
you had Christmas
fuck you

life's work

it has been my life's work
to write songs nobody will hear

and you say it's my calling

It forgot me

Christmas is now completely gone and it forgot me.

I was left out of Christmas

I was left out of Christmas
forgotten
I was denied Christmas
I don't deserve Christmas
why can't I have Christmas like all the real children?
I am being punished 
I am never getting this Christmas back again
I hate the world
I hate my life
I hate myself
I didn't get to have Christmas
like other people
and I am just supposed
to fuckin' accept it and move on
but I can't
all I can do is hurt
I was left out of Christmas
forgotten

bitter haiku (happy Christmas)

I am so bitter
that my brain and my big mouth
should both be strangled

I didn't get to belong

So last night just got worse. Late in the night I realized that I had completely missed Christmas. The whole day had gone by and I didn't get to be a part of it. I didn't get to belong. I stood on the outside again, so to speak. I kept picturing other people's dinners with their families and friends. I took Klonopin all day, and smoked weed with shatter. I drank enough whiskey to make a difference. I cried. A lot. It would start and stop and start again. I used a lot of Kleenex. I had a lot of snot, 'cause I kept on crying, on and off.

And that was my Christmas. How was your's?