it's too hard

it's too hard
and I don't know what I can do
once again
I'm the victim of bad news
every day's a fuck-up
every question starts with why
I wake up every morning
afraid to be alive

it's too hard
I am pleading for my life
every day's another day
of trying to survive
every day's a fuck-up
something else to far
I wake up every morning
saying get me out of here

it's too hard
someone help me please
I don't know what I've done
to deserve this disease
every day's a fuck-up
with each step that I take
I'm on my knees and praying
dear Lord, give me a break

it's too hard
mistakes were made
I've exploded all my hopes and dreams
with a hand grenade
every day's a fuck-up
every question starts with why
I wake up every morning
afraid to be alive

december

I sit by the fire
with a cup of steaming coffee
while the snow falls softly
beyond the cabin door
the day has expired
the evening is upon us
there are those among us
who say there's something more
but this is fine
right here
peace is mine
joy is near
december is here again

words and words and words

look at this blank page
blacken all the spaces
with words that plead and argue
saying pay attention to me

there is no attention paid
just another day with
words and words and words
fighting to be
on top of the others
not knowing
that nobody is listening

I am not one of the chosen few
my words are never heard
they live in lives of their own
ignored by the people
that they're meant for

you are not in high school

it doesn't matter
what you wear
it doesn't matter
nobody cares
and if they do
fuck them
they can find some dicks
and suck them
'cause life is not like it was before
you are not in high school anymore

if they're not your friends
forget about them
if they don't like you
you can live without them
you find your own friends
people that care
people who aren't going
anywhere
welcome to come in 
through your front door
you are not in high school anymore

          all those groups
          every clique
          designed to make you
          feel like shit
          all those teachers'
          dirty looks
          every lie
          in history books

it doesn't matter
what you do
from here on out
it's up to you
every question
every choice
every time you speak
in your own voice
you're the hero
in their dirty little war
you are not in high school anymore
you are not in high school anymore

It hurts just to fuckin' live

So it's another day of nothing happening and more frustration and depression. Man, these fuckin' days just seem to melt into one another, you know? I haven't had a good day since I don't remember, it's been so long. What am I going to do? Nothing moves, unless it's for the worse. 

I don't know what I can say, farmboy. I've talked to you about patience but I can understand your frustration. I don't know why nothing ever changes for the better.

I don't know either. I don't know if it's just bad luck or if I'm being punished by God or what. All I know is that everyday, I work and I've built up good habits and nothing I do matters, it's just bad news all the fuckin' time. Really, I don't know how much longer I can go through this.

I think I need to just give up. It's not working, whatever I do, so I need to look for another way. All of my actions are for nothing. You don't know how much this hurts, how fuckin' painful it is. It hurts just to fuckin' live. 

What am I going to do? I'm desperate here. Nothing makes any difference. I'm just a fuckin' broken record at this point. I'm going to go see my therapist in a little while, and it's always the same old shit: nothing ever happens. Nothing ever changes. 

Hang in there, farmboy. It can't be like this forever.

But it is like this and it feels like forever. Why doesn't anything change? Why don't I have friends? Why can't I lose weight? Why don't I have anybody to play my songs to? All it is is work and more work and more work with no payoff, no results. C'mon, what am I supposed to fuckin' do? What can I do? Why is this happening?

I go out walking

I go out walking
I see the world
from the point of view
of my neighborhood
one more step
in front of the other
in front of houses
of stone and wood
and there are flowers
there are trees
there are kids
who've scraped their knees
there are lots
of things to see
that I barely even notice

I go out walking
most everyday
movement of legs
and knees and feet
crossing over
paths of dirt
sidewalks made
of old concrete
from 1911
a long long time ago
by Jefferey Buxton
way back when
I'd like to think
that he's our friend
keeping us in focus

I go out walking
I count my steps
on a wristwatch
on my left wrist
back when I
was just a kid
I never could have
imagined this
it's more than movement
it's being outside
even though
I want to stay in
I want improvement
to hit its stride
it's the only way
a loser can win
it's not hocus pocus

I go out walking
it's what I do
if you ever want
there's room for you

bad luck is your only friend

you wake up in the morning

to the wrong side of the bed

and that is the beginning

of another day of dread

it's only seven-thirty

and you wish this day would end

that's what life is like

when bad luck is your only friend

there is no companion

there is no best friend

there's only bad, bad luck

and it is happening again

nothing ever changes

unless it's for the worse

something is not happening

inside the universe