self pity song

I don't need any more challenges
I need something to go right
I need a fuckin' break
but I don't see one in sight
everywhere I look I see
obstacles in front of me
can't somebody set me free
from this lost and lonely night

why does everything go wrong
every single day
everything keeps fuckin' up
no matter what I say
everyday I get the blues
a bushel load of more bad news
what seems to work's
not mine to choose
that seems to be my way

why is self pity
the only thing I write
everyday's the same to me
it's there in black and white
I'm feeling sorry for myself
because I am not someone else
is there anybody who can help
or are you hiding from plain sight
it's 1 p.m. and I'm saying good night
I believe I've given up the fight
against all this trouble and sorrow
all I can say is
see you tomorrow

I heard you paint houses

(inspired by The Irishman by Martin Scorsese)

I heard you paint houses
I have a job to be done
you've been recommended
as A plus, number one
I can provide the money
I have all you need
it's time to make a motion
you know you can trust me

too

I am too stupid
I am too fat
I am too this
I am too that
I am too sad
I am too proud
I am too brown
I am not allowed
to be too happy
to be too well
I am too fucked up
to be myself
what do I do?
where do I go?
I am too dumb
I do not know

I say bad things
about myself
because I am not
somebody else
everything I am
is not enough
to gain control
of human love
it is not good
to be me
find somebody else
you want to be
where do I go?
what do I do?
I do not know
but I make it through

What am I going to do?

So it's January 2nd and the world is full of trouble. I am full of trouble. Today, in about an hour and a half, I see my therapist and try to figure out whether we have to quit meeting because of insurance companies and that kind of shit. Damn. I didn't want to have to deal with this kind of thing. Everything is falling apart. And if I can't go to my therapist anymore, well...I don't fuckin' know. I don't have a fuckin' clue. The apartment is a mess, and people from the apartment complex are sending someone to look at the smoke detectors. I know this will all end, but...There's the whole money thing, too, the COBRA insurance, which is being increased by almost 50 percent. 

This is a great fuckin' start to the fuckin' new year. I'm sure more will go wrong, because more wrong always happens. God, I don't know how I'm going to handle this stuff.

But you'll figure out a way, farmboy. You always do.

I know, but that doesn't make anything any easier. I've already lost my trainer and the majority of my friends. I just keep losing people. And all this money problems. I need to find a job. But now that I'm fuckin' disabled and so old, I don't know whether anyone will take a chance on hiring me. 

Help me, man.

I'm helping you the only way I can, farmboy. All I can do is listen and occasionally offer something that approximates advice.

I know and I appreciate it, man. I just never thought it would get this bad. And now everything is falling apart and I'm a nervous wreck and there's no one who can help me. (Starts to cry)  What am I going to do?

Don't panic.

It's too late for that. Why is my life always in such a mess? Why do I have so much bad luck?

You'll be okay, I promise.

What if I'm not?

You will be.

I don't know, man. I don't know if I'll be okay because what else is waiting to destroy me when this is over? It doesn't end. These are major life things, and they just keep coming. What am I going to do without my therapist? What if I don't find a job? What if I end up without health insurance and what if I can't pay my rent? And why does this all have to happen now, when I'm crumbling under the weight of major depression. I've been depressed and anxious and scared for so long, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Help me.

I am.

I know. Thank you. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you to talk to. I feel the same way about my therapist. I can't believe the powers that be are going to take him away from me. What am I going to do? I'm desperate here.

Help me.

2020

it's 2020
I am supposed to have hope
for a brand new year

and I'm positive
that I'll find my way to hope
in the time I'm here

new year's eve

so it's new year's eve
like next year will be different
have mercy on me

exist

nothing goes right
day after day
night after night
what can I say
all I ask of life
is to give me a break
but all life ever does
is make more mistakes
I close my eyes
I clench my fists
give me a reason
to exist

a wise man once said
when you are stuck
what always surrounds you
is bad luck
and bad luck
is all I've got
I say to life
thanks a lot
give me razor blades
to slash my wrists
give me a reason
to exist

I have no more hope
to settle my mind
peace in my heart
I cannot find
it's all just hopeless
and hopeless I am
help me get out
of this life that's damned
I cry when I think
of the life I have missed
give me a reason 
to exist