I don't have a fuckin' clue

It's the beginning of July. The first of July, to be exact. This pandemic thing...well, it's continuing. That's really all I can say about it. I know there's going to be a vaccine at some point, but it's going to take a while. In the meantime, a lot of people are being as fuckin' stupid as they can be about this. It's like they don't understand that we're in a fuckin' pandemic that really doesn't give a shit about what we think about it.

I can't believe how stupid some people are being about this, farmboy. We could have this under control if people would just think straight and wear masks and practice social distancing. 

I know, man. I have no idea how long this will all last if we keep crying and moaning about how the precautions are taking away our freedoms. I'd like to live, you know? But people are so fuckin' impatient. They have to get their fuckin' haircuts, they have to go out to bars and to the beaches. And now look at what's happening. 

It's horrible.

It's more than horrible. It's irresponsible and it's fuckin' selfish. What the fuck are these people thinking? C'mon, it's not that big a sacrifice to wear a fuckin' mask and distance yourself. 

Do you think things will improve, farmboy?

I have no idea. I don't have a fuckin' clue. I'm just taking everything one day at a time, just like Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm taking precautions. I'm not going out excessively. I but groceries every two weeks. I plan. I'm being careful. Lot a lot of people.

I would like things to improve, which is what the vaccine will do.

So what are you going to do until then?

Just the same old same old, you know? I'm going to continue being careful and I'm going to keep being informed. I know what I'm going to do. And I'm doing it.

Spinning my fuckin' wheels

So here I am, it's Saturday night and I've got reefer and takeout Chinese food. I just finished watching season three of Trailer Park Boys and life is good as long as I don't think about all the things that worry me.

Like what, farmboy?

I'm not thinking about that stuff. I'm thinking about music and laughing at the TV show...

Trailer Park Boys?

Yeah, man, it's so fuckin' funny. I love that show.

So today I played guitar and didn't do hardly anything that I meant to do. Either I'm a total fuckin' loser or I'm just a regular guy who needs a Saturday off after a week's worth of hard work. Or maybe I'm just lazy.

Come on, farmboy, give yourself a break. You think badly of yourself all the time. It's time to stop telling yourself how wrong you are about everything.

I know, man. But it's hard. I've always been this way, you know.

I can help you through this, farmboy. I want you to succeed.

I want to succeed, man. Or at least I want to want to succeed. I want to be a full-time musician this summer. I want to get in better shape physically. I want to quit spinning my fuckin' wheels, you know?

And you will. But you're going to have to treat it like you do your rehearsing. You're going to have to work at it every day.

And how do you propose I do that?

Positive actions, farmboy. And positive thoughts.

I already do that sometimes.

That's how I know you can do it. That's why I have faith that you'll succeed.

Really, man?

Yes. I also know that you're a hard worker when you want to be.

It's that wanting-to-be part that's hard.

Nothing you can't handle, farmboy.

You're right. It's like that Alcoholics Anonymous thing, one day at a time.

I like that you reference both AA and Trailer Park Boys.

All in a day's work, man.

Wade in the chatter

How're you doing, farmboy?

You know, I'm okay. I'm kinda just roaming through this life,trying to wade in the chatter, you know, the thought in my head. Pisses me off. man. It ain't no fuckin' good. I've had this shit since I was a little kid, you know. When I try to do something good, like praying, or when I should be having good thoughts, the bad thoughts just come on in, take off their shoes, and make themselves comfortable. Just your, you know, obsessive-compulsive behavior.

Whoa, farmboy. How do you handle this?

I try to ignore it or not get it started. It's like a fuckin' race sometimes, but it doesn't interfere nearly as much as it used to.

Sounds terrible.

It is, man. It's demeaning. It's dehumanizing. It pisses me off big time, I tell you what.

But I've made progress, like, in the past year or six months or whatever. But, believe me, it takes practice.

Congratulations!

I wouldn't congratulate me so soon. It's a many-times-a-day struggle. And I struggle sometimes, believe me.

Jesus, this is beginning to sound like Alcoholics Anonymous or something, and this is nothing like that at all.

But, yeah, anyway. I'm just flyin' low through the static, man.