open windows

inspired by The Hotel New Hampshire by John Irving

you've got to get obsessed 
and keep obsessed 
and keep passing the open windows
you need to quit fighting those petty, silly wars
you've got to get obsessed 
and keep obsessed 
and keep passing the open windows
that's the only way to open doors

I hate being sick

Fuck, man, I'm so fuckin' sick, man. I went to work and luckily I got to come home about an hour early. I feel like shit.

I'm sorry, farmboy. Now that you're home, are you going to rest up?


I'm gonna try to, man. I really need to rest. This fuckin' sickness affects my sleep, even though I am at least getting a good amount of sleep. That's important, I think.

Sleep is very important.


Man, you got that right. So I'm drinking lots of fluids and now that I'm home, I don't have to spend much energy on anything. That's what I've noticed about this illness -- any exertion of energy makes it worse.

I hate being sick.

This kind of stuff makes me realize how glad I am that quit smoking cigarettes. And I loved cigarettes.

They're no good for you, farmboy.


No fuckin' shit. Yeah, they're kind of seductive little things. Come in nice little boxes. They cost a lot of money.

So I'm gonna rest and read the new John Irving novel. At least it's good timing for that.

Enjoy yourself, farmboy. Get some rest.


Thanks, man. I will.

My inner iPod

It's Saturday night, and here I am with a cup 'o joe and a marijuana-chocolate-chip cookie. Life is okay as long as I don't really think of things.


So it's kinda diversion city. I got the Levon Helm autobiography and the new John Irving novel, and there's film noir on Netflix. So things are okay right now. 


I was wondering, farmboy. Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography? Even just for yourself?


I can't even imagine wanting to. I mean, it would be so fuckin' boring. I could see writing a musical history, just for myself. I sorta measure everything by the music I listen to.


That makes sense.


That's the way it's always been. I ain't complaining, though. It's a good way to go through life, you know, with your own individualized soundtrack. I have my inner iPod, so to speak, and I check in on it from time to time to see where it's gonna take me.


How's it working?


Batteries are charged and it's on shuffle, man.

Energy and faith

Okay, so I started planning for the summer and it looks like I could make it financially with music if I work really hard.

Yeah? So what's new?

(laughs) It's actually newer than you think. The key is the "work really hard" part, because I'm afraid I'll get discouraged or lose faith or something and quit. And I don't want to be like that. I want to follow through with things, you know?

I know, farmboy.

It's just a fuckin' uphill struggle all the time and it pisses me off, man. But, well, it's like this CD. I have to follow through with it. I feel like I owe it to all the people who support me. Plus I owe it to myself, just for the creative experience. I've put a lot of energy and faith into this. I have to make it to the final conclusion.

So I need to work really hard. Like John Irving wrote, I need to get obsessed and stay obsessed. I need to have a strong belief in myself and in my songs.

I'm fuckin' workin' on it, man.

You are. You're a good worker, farmboy. You just need to believe in yourself.

Easier said than done, man.

But not impossible.

Yeah. Not impossible.

This is not a performance

Bad fuckin' day, man.

Have you gone to your counselor lately, farmboy?

Went this morning. It was useless. Now, he wasn't useless. I was useless. I was in panic mode and I was emotional and crying over the financial shit and this gig I'm not playing...

Which is?

Which I don't want to talk about.

That's fine.

Now, he can't really do much in a situation like that. I felt sorry for him, you know?

So he was fine. I...I don't know what to say about myself...

farmboy, this is not a performance.

I know. And believe me, I've thought about that aspect of seeing a counselor. That's the last place I want to perform. Shit needs to be honest, man.

Fuck, man, I need a book to read. Something to get lost in that travels well. Maybe John Irving. Maybe John Steinbeck.

Give your mind a rest.

Yeah, man.

Take any clonazepam lately?

You know, you think I'd be living on the fuckin' things, verdad? I took one today. I took one Friday. Fuck. Maybe I am living on the fuckin' things.

I wouldn't worry about it, farmboy. You're on a pretty small dosage.

Well, man, I'm gonna take off and make a pizza for supper. You're welcome to come over to eat, man.

I'd like that, but I can't tonight. Can I have a rain check?

Of course. Come by any time, man.

Close contact with words

Hey, this is Labor Day weekend, all the kids go back to school Tuesday, I only have a few more performances for the grant, and there's now a piano at work.

There's also some major stuff going on at work, but I don't feel like talking about it.

Is everything okay, farmboy?

Oh, I'm okay. It's mainly about a teacher who's having some major challenges right now. There is literally nothing I can do about it. It's just interesting and worrisome and -- up to a certain point -- none of my business.

It's good that you know that.

So, what's up with you, man? What's your life been like lately?

Good. It's been good. I'm reading the same book that you've been reading.

Freedom? By Jonathan Franzen?

That's the one. I just started it. It's very interesting.

I'm loving it, myself. I'm amazed how readable it is...I mean,it flows so naturally that it's just effortless to read. I would like to write songs like that.

Some people would say that you already do.

Well, that's the goal for me, to be as natural as possible in my music. In my lyrics and in my singing. (laughs) I guess it's working.

This songwriting stuff, it's fuckin' hard a lot of the time, but when you get it it's fuckin' wonderful.

I've been taking myself more seriously as a writer lately. Which is not as good as actually writing,

you know?

Yes, but you've been reading more lately...

That's true, and the last book I finished was a novel about a writer. The John Irving book.

But, you know, it's having close contact with words. That's important.

Hey, here's my little lesson for the day. In his book On Writing -- which I haven't read yet, but I will -- he says that to be a writer, you have to write a lot and read a lot. There's no two ways around it.

I can believe that.

Translate that to songwriting -- write a lot, listen a lot -- and we got something there, you know?