Change the channel

Man, I can't fuckin' wait until my life gets better. I've been working on it for a while, you know, walking and eating better and writing and practicing guitar and all that kind of good stuff. But sometimes I feel like I'm just getting so impatient.

Well, farmboy, it's hard. You've been working hard and you've made good headway. That's just the way it feels sometimes. You get discouraged but you keep on working and life gets better.

I know, but it sucks and I'm frustrated.

Get your mind on something else, farmboy.

I know. Change the channel, shake the etch-o-sketch. Sleep is good for that. So is reading. I'm, like, 200 and some pages into the new novel by Jonathan Franzen. 

How is it?

It's good. He's so readable. So maybe that's what I'll do tonight. Yeah, read. Or a podcast or something.

At any rate, we're talking about escapism here. And relaxation. Yeah, that's my excuse. I need to relax.

It's true, farmboy. You really do need to relax.

So here's to a night of make-believe. I need it. I've earned it. And I'm taking it.

Don't try to stop me.

The Taking Care of Yourself category heading

Man, I'm totally burnt, I'm totally drained. It's work and physical problems and this pressure I'm feeling because it's this busy weekend and I don't want to be busy, y'know? Pisses me off, man. I don't know what to blame or even if I should blame because I'm too fuckin' tired to blame.

What's going on this weekend, farmboy? Busy with...?

It's social-slash-musical. I have some friends who are moving to Guatemala next month and there's a farewell show tonight. Tomorrow is my songwriting group -- they changed dates, so it's this Sunday. Right now I'm at my brother's house. They're not here, they went to see some friends out of town. So I'm washing my clothes. I've got time, so I thought I'd call.

I'm glad you did. So what do you think you're going to do?

I'm thinking of going to the coffeehouse after I leave here and seeing my friends. And then I'm thinking about cancelling tomorrow. I don't have a new song to share anyway, and I can always see them next month. My friends' farewell show...well, it's a farewell show.

This all might fit under the Taking Care of Yourself category heading.

Yes, it might...

Or I could just be a lazy fuckin' pothead...

Or you may have been through a lot of stress this past week.

Bingo!

Do -- or don't do -- what you need to do -- or not do.

Really?

I give you permission. But that's not the point. The point is: Do you give yourself permission?

Don't ask me. I am so fuckin' bad at that kind of stuff.

Doesn't matter. You're still the one making the decisions, coming up with your own rules, figuring out how to live your life.

I know. It's fucked.

But it's undeniable, farmboy.

I know, but it's still fucked.

Look, farmboy. Nobody is going to die if you don't go to those functions...

I like that word: functions.

What are you concerned about?

Losing my friends. Being pissed off because I'm not doing musical stuff because of what is basically the end product of stress from work. Get's me bitter, pisses me off. I'd rather sit at home and smoke weed and finish the Jonathan Franzen book. I'm almost finished. Then it's on to Rosanne Cash's autobiography.

You know, farmboy, I guess what I'm saying is that if you need to stay home, stay home. You know what's best for you.

So that means you're not going to make the decisions for me?

I'm not going to make the decisions for you, farmboy.

Asshole. Motherfucking cocksucker. Making me take responsibility for myself. C'mon! Be a pal!

Nope. No way.

Aaargh! I'm going to lose one way or the other. I'm going to feel guilty all night and maybe tomorrow.

You feel guilty no matter what. That's one thing I've learned about you.

Man, it's that fucking scrupulosity, you know, it just ain't fair. Combined with being raised in the Catholic Church, but I don't want to go into that tonight.

It would be good to get into that some time with you, though.

I agree. Not right now, though. That stuff fuckin' scares me. Now there's where guilt is gonna come in. Big time.

I got so many problems and I just don't want to focus on them right now. Not just problems, but things like character flaws, mistakes I've made or will be making or making mistakes in the present tense.

I like that line. Making Mistakes in the Present Tense. Fuck, that's a song or the title of my memoir or something.

Are you thinking about writing a memoir?

Oh, no fuckin' way. I'm really only interested in things as far as they relate to songwriting.

That's my boy!

That's the way life is. "How am I going to exploit this for songwriting?" I'm just a fuckin' whore for writing songs. You know, I'd go tomorrow night, no problem, if I had a song I wanted to share. I feel like I've let myself down.

Hey, by the way, thanks for being so supportive of my music. When you said your last statement...

That's my boy?

Yeah. That felt good, you know, like I was a kid who had done a good thing and you're mussing up my hair and telling me you're proud of me and stuff. Because I'm not a kid, I'm way beyond that. I mean, I'm not really anybody's boy, y'know? I'm old. Both my Mom and Dad are gone and...let's change the subject.

Getting too close for comfort?

Yeah. Everything gets so fuckin' complicated.

I gotta relax, I gotta simplify my mind, I gotta stop worrying and being afraid all the time. I gotta clear these cobwebs outta my brain.

How about watching TV?

I don't really have a TV. I mean, I have a little TV I bought a few years ago, but I couldn't afford the digital box thingy and so..,.I just use it to watch DVDs sometimes.

But you're at your brother's house. Do they have a TV?

Yeah. I guess I could. But I'd rather read.

I'm going to have to make some decisions soon...

But you're not through obsessing about everything yet.

Uh, that's not what I was going to say.

But it's true.

I don't even fuckin' know what's true any more. I feel like I'm just, like, painting myself into a corner. Not that I'm using any cliches, but...

Do what's right for you. Just try to not stress out any more than you need to. You're getting too stressed.

Yeah, yeah, breathe...

I am proud of you, farmboy. These are small decisions. These are minor decisions. Give yourself a break, farmboy.

I'll try to.

Enjoy whatever you do.

If I can...

It's your decision. But I would choose whatever I really wanted.

Okay. That's what I'll do.

So long, farmboy. Check in tomorrow if you want.

I will probably want. Thanks, man, for always listening.

No problem.

Cool.

My big sadness

How are you feeling, farmboy? Last I remember, you were feeling a little poorly.

Much better, thanks for asking. I got some sleep, some good quality sleep, and some other physical stuff that I don't want or need to talk about.

Which makes me very curious, of course.

Of course. It's no big thing. I was constipated, now I'm not.

I'm not much into scatological stuff, you know, jokes and shit...

Literally...

Ha ha. Very funny. There's probably an opening on "Last Comic Standing" if you want.

One thing that concerns me big time is that I had real problems with my hands at a performance today. My fuckin' Carpel Tunnel stuff is getting worse. Fuck.

Hey, I bought salad and bananas today. I need to eat more vegetables and drink more water. I need to smoke less weed, but...we'll see. I fuckin' love weed.

I know.

Man, this conversation. I should be more entertaining.

Why, farmboy?

Because all this stuff I'm talkin' about is so fuckin' trivial. Has it come to this? I've gone from discussing Jonathan Franzen to bowel movements.

It's real life. Much of it is trivial.

Yeah, well, I don't have to talk about it all.

But we all do...

It's that pesky human being stuff, I tell you. We are social creatures. Which always fucks up everything.

Me, I'm always the outsider. I'm the reporter trying to be so fuckin' objective. I'm always removed. No wonder I smoke weed all the fuckin' time.

That's my big sadness in life, you know, is that I'm always removed from everyone. It's the only way I know to be. And, man, it's fuckin' killing me.

Man, I gotta move away from these thoughts, fuck. Oh man, I can't get that close. Shit. Fuck. I gotta get away...

You're okay, farmboy. You're fine. You're safe. You're just...Don't panic...

Breathe...

You okay, farmboy?

I'm okay. Let's move on.

Close contact with words

Hey, this is Labor Day weekend, all the kids go back to school Tuesday, I only have a few more performances for the grant, and there's now a piano at work.

There's also some major stuff going on at work, but I don't feel like talking about it.

Is everything okay, farmboy?

Oh, I'm okay. It's mainly about a teacher who's having some major challenges right now. There is literally nothing I can do about it. It's just interesting and worrisome and -- up to a certain point -- none of my business.

It's good that you know that.

So, what's up with you, man? What's your life been like lately?

Good. It's been good. I'm reading the same book that you've been reading.

Freedom? By Jonathan Franzen?

That's the one. I just started it. It's very interesting.

I'm loving it, myself. I'm amazed how readable it is...I mean,it flows so naturally that it's just effortless to read. I would like to write songs like that.

Some people would say that you already do.

Well, that's the goal for me, to be as natural as possible in my music. In my lyrics and in my singing. (laughs) I guess it's working.

This songwriting stuff, it's fuckin' hard a lot of the time, but when you get it it's fuckin' wonderful.

I've been taking myself more seriously as a writer lately. Which is not as good as actually writing,

you know?

Yes, but you've been reading more lately...

That's true, and the last book I finished was a novel about a writer. The John Irving book.

But, you know, it's having close contact with words. That's important.

Hey, here's my little lesson for the day. In his book On Writing -- which I haven't read yet, but I will -- he says that to be a writer, you have to write a lot and read a lot. There's no two ways around it.

I can believe that.

Translate that to songwriting -- write a lot, listen a lot -- and we got something there, you know?