Experiencing the fallout

I've been so depressed lately, man. I got some bad news Saturday and I can't shake it off. I keep trying to do things that are good for me -- writing, walking, playing music, meditating -- but I just feel absolutely hopeless.

It's called depression, farmboy. At least you're active. That's a good sign. Are you taking your medications? Have you seen your therapist?

Yes, to both. My therapist and my psychiatrist both seemed concerned. And they've both seen me at my worst. Hey, I found out that my psychiatrist is a Townes Van Zandt fan. Who would have thought?

I'm concerned as well. What was the bad news?

Physical stuff. Learning that all the hard work that I've put into things means next to nothing. I can't even talk about it, man. It's just too fuckin' sad. It's not fair. And now I'm experiencing the fallout. I'm just so fuckin' sad all the time. If I could sleep away the day, I would.

I'm so sorry to hear about this, farmboy. It seemed to me that you were doing pretty well. Things were beginning to look up.

Well, that I don't remember. I do know that life has gotten worse.

I have to get up and keep trying, man. I'm losing ground here. I've worked hard and I can't let it all be for nothing. I can't let my work be in vain. And I don't know what to fuckin' do. Just wait it out, I guess.

That's one thing you can do. Will that work?

It works, but I can't control it and I don't know how long it will last. The thing is, when I get back to "normal" I'll still have the depression. This is not a question of me getting better. It's just a little bit of improvement, but I'll take it, you know.

open letter to Townes Van Zandt

give me this small sacrifice
I only need some sound advice
tell me how to reach inside my soul
there's a story inside me
that I know no one can see
that is not under my control
you had the magic
it was in your fingertips
if you don't mind
I'd like to borrow it
I'm searching for a memory I don't know

Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Da and the Blues

So remember that book I was telling you about?

The saddest book in the world. It's called...let me think...

"Half a Life" by Darin Strauss.

That's it.

So I finished it, and, man, it was just fuckin' great. It got me to thinking 'bout a whole mess of stuff. Like, remember when I said to you that I drawn to sadness?

I remember, farmboy.

I don't think that's all, but I'm not clear on it yet. I just know it's more than just sadness.

Then I also get to thinking about sadness and how we're all constantly running away from it. Which kinda sounds good, but...well, you're gonna get sad sooner than later and it's good to maybe know a little something about it.

I don't know, exactly. I'm still getting there.

It's interesting...

It's kinda like, you know, how people are always, like, "I can't read this book or listen to this song or see this movie 'cause it's too depressing." Well, fuck, you know...Townes Van Zandt once said that there's two types of music: Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Da and the Blues...I mean, I like "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Da" a lot; I sing it with my students. But, fuck, man, you need the blues, too.

Anyway, I really got into the Darin Strauss book. He's an amazing writer. There's, like, no sentimentality, he never tries to manipulate your emotions. He'd make a good songwriter.

It takes one to know one, farmboy.

Indeed, man.