Red hot hate

Nothing is ever going to fuckin' happen and I should just shoot myself right now. Nothing is fair when it comes to my life. I am filled with red hot hate. There is no help for me and nobody will ever notice. I hate my fuckin' life.

Calmer

Right now's a little calmer thanks to Klonopin and majiuana and a session with my therapist. Thank God. I'll see how long this lasts.

More

I am so filled with hate and anger I feel like I'm going to explode. But nobody can hear or help me.

No reason

There is no reason to keep going on.

Then this happens

I'm just losing all the way around anymore. I just got the news that the song I sent off to be in a competition wasn't selected. 

Fuck! Jesus Christ! Why the fuck can't I ever win? I don't fuckin' know why I try. First, my brother and his family decide I'm not good enough to go with them on their trip. Then this happens. 

I am so sad and so angry and it doesn't fuckin' matter 'cause nothing is going to change. Forget everything today. Forget the practicing, the eating correctly, the exercising, everything. Nobody will help me. Fuck this world.

They didn't even ask me

So I got my fuckin' feelings hurt. My brother and his wife and daughter and mother-in-law all went out yesterday for an all-day trip to this lake that is beautiful, from what I hear.

You didn't go, farmboy?

I wasn't fuckin' asked. I was completely forgotten about. Or, rather, they didn't want me to go with them.

Fuck them. Goddamn them. And then they tell me about it! Damn it, what is their fuckin' problem? Do they think I'm stupid? 

I don't feel good. It's hot. Every day is the same, unless it's worse.

They didn't even fuckin' ask me. I haven't been fuckin' anywhere this year, and they didn't even ask me.

I took a Klonopin. I hope it works. In a little over an hour, I get to smoke weed. I hope that works. It's too hot to sleep.

They didn't even fuckin' ask me.

And nothing helps

Well, today. It's a hot one. It's 98 degrees outside right now. Fuckin' weather.

Other than that, nothing has changed. And it definitely hasn't changed for the better. I am so fuckin' isolated during this fuckin' pandemic. I'm too afraid of Covid to go to the protests, which makes me feel terrible. I hardly ever talk to people, even though I call people up. Mostly I've been listening to music and playing and writing and doing all the stuff that I do with no actual results.

You're becoming a better musician, farmboy.

Not so much. And I don't know if that even matters, since nothing ever changes there, either. Every day is the fuckin' same, unless things get worse. I have had bad luck all my life; it's the one constant of my existence. But lately I'm just focused on all the mistakes I've made during my life. Not to mention the unfairness of given the ability to make music, but not music that is apparently good enough for fuckin' anybody. Nobody wants to hear me, and no matter how hard I fuckin' try, the songs aren't coming. So I don't even get the joy of creating. 

It will come back...

I'm through with wasting my time. I can't fuckin' eat 'cause I'll gain weight, I can't do anything because it's too fuckin' hot, and I'm almost finished with the book that's been providing me with escape and education.

My life fuckin' sucks. And it refuses to fuckin' change. Everything I do is for nothing. I fuckin' hate something, but I don't know what.

And nothing helps. No matter what actions I take, nothing fuckin' matters. Everything stays the same, or it gets worse.

I don't know what I can do.