Spinning my fuckin' wheels

So here I am, it's Saturday night and I've got reefer and takeout Chinese food. I just finished watching season three of Trailer Park Boys and life is good as long as I don't think about all the things that worry me.

Like what, farmboy?

I'm not thinking about that stuff. I'm thinking about music and laughing at the TV show...

Trailer Park Boys?

Yeah, man, it's so fuckin' funny. I love that show.

So today I played guitar and didn't do hardly anything that I meant to do. Either I'm a total fuckin' loser or I'm just a regular guy who needs a Saturday off after a week's worth of hard work. Or maybe I'm just lazy.

Come on, farmboy, give yourself a break. You think badly of yourself all the time. It's time to stop telling yourself how wrong you are about everything.

I know, man. But it's hard. I've always been this way, you know.

I can help you through this, farmboy. I want you to succeed.

I want to succeed, man. Or at least I want to want to succeed. I want to be a full-time musician this summer. I want to get in better shape physically. I want to quit spinning my fuckin' wheels, you know?

And you will. But you're going to have to treat it like you do your rehearsing. You're going to have to work at it every day.

And how do you propose I do that?

Positive actions, farmboy. And positive thoughts.

I already do that sometimes.

That's how I know you can do it. That's why I have faith that you'll succeed.

Really, man?

Yes. I also know that you're a hard worker when you want to be.

It's that wanting-to-be part that's hard.

Nothing you can't handle, farmboy.

You're right. It's like that Alcoholics Anonymous thing, one day at a time.

I like that you reference both AA and Trailer Park Boys.

All in a day's work, man.

free writing 3/9/2012

I was young once

a long, long time ago

and I could tell you stories

you don't want to know

so I will be silent

and I will behave

heaven forbid

that you know that I'm brave

yes, and you were the one

who let me inside

when everyone else

ran off to hide

I forgive you

I forgive you

All that fuckin' adrenaline

Hey, man, can we talk?

Sure, farmboy. What's up?

I'm scared, man, I'm fuckin' scared. I was looking at finances and, well, I'm not completely fucked, but what if stuff happens? (starts speaking faster) I don't know, man, it all just fuckin' scares me, how precarious this life is, how we're just meandering around with no chance of hope...

farmboy...

So I don't know what to do, man, it's all just spinning out of control...

(slowly) Listen to me, farmboy. You're in a state of panic. This is not real life, farmboy. It's just panic. It's not real.

Take a deep breath. (farmboy breathes in) Okay, take another one. (farmboy takes another breath)

Man, I...

Take another breath, farmboy. Remember to breathe.

Thanks. Man, it was so fuckin' weird. I was online doing some banking and I'm thinking there might be an error, and then I got fuckin' overwhelmed, and then...

Panic.

Exactly. All that fuckin' adrenaline. Talk about misplaced energy.

How're you feeling, farmboy?

Okay. A little shaky, I guess.

Thanks, man. Thanks for helping me through it.''

No problem, farmboy. Anytime.

Well, hopefully it won't be too soon.

And I know nothing about Zen

Hey farmboy, can I ask you something?

Sure, man. Shoot away.

I've noticed that I haven't been hearing from you as much as I usually do. Is there something wrong?

Not with you. With me. I'm stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and it's because of the recording. And I seem to be stuck there. Damn, man. It's such a fuckin' motherfucker, man, and I don't know how I'm gonna fix it.

I mean, I don't ask for much, you know? I just want to be the best songwriter in the world. That's all. That's not too much, verdad?

No, not too much at all. You certainly put yourself under a lot of pressure with your music. I wonder how good that pressure is.

I'm beginning to wonder that, too. I wish I had someone I could trust to produce me or at least oversee the project. That would really help.

The thing is, I don't want to abdicate responsibilities, especially when it comes down to my own music. Whatever it is, it's mine. But I know it's limited and I also don't think I know enough. And I think I may even know what a big fuckin' part of my problem is.

What's that, farmboy?

I'm thinking too much. When I rehearse, I'm thinking too much. I'm always thinking too much, man. You know, Paul Simon has two songs called "Think Too Much." Now, that's something, when you write two fuckin' songs called"Think Too Much."

It's funny. I try to not think so hard when I'm writing and I leave a lot of stuff up to instinct.

And that seems to work for you.

I think so. I fuckin' hope so.

So maybe it comes down to some kind of relaxing. Maybe it's one of those Zen things. And I know nothing about Zen.

You'll find out, farmboy.

Yeah. We'll see, won't we?

Everything hinges on acceptance

So today's crisis is: I got the CD from the recording session and I have the hardest, most awful time with listening to my voice. I know that's normal, the having problems listening to yourself, but I really wonder if my voice, my singing, is really that bad. And I...

No, it's not.

No it's not what?

It's not that bad. You, like many people, have problems hearing yourself. In more than one way, I might add.

Yeah, yeah, I get what you're saying, man. But what can I do about it?

Just accept that that's your voice and just sing the best you can. That's really all you can do, farmboy.

That's not a lot of fuckin' help, man.

Maybe. But that's all I have to offer.

I was afraid of that. But, of course, you're right. Everything hinges on acceptance, in one way or another. Maybe. I haven't thought it through. But it sure sounds good, don't it?

Your singing sounds fine, farmboy. You have a very conversational style of singing, and it's very honest, which I know is important to you.

Well, the songs are honest. So it's natural for the communicating to be, also. You know?

I would, though, like to be better at little things like, say, pitch or rhythm.

That's just mechanics. You know how to work on that stuff.

I probably just need to stop worrying about it so much.

It couldn't hurt.

No, I guess not, man.

Are the songs good enough?

The weekend! Finally! Hey, I think I get the recordings from the sessions tomorrow. Then I can listen to them 10 gazillion times to see how I can improve the performances. Plus, I can play with sequencing and I can play it in the truck.

The big test.

You got that right, man. (laughs) If it passes the driving test, maybe I've got something.

I'm looking really forward to hearing it, farmboy. I'm betting it's going to be exceptional.

Well, really, the whole project comes down to the songs. And it's like, are the songs good enough? What I know is that they're the best I can do.

Which is all you can really hope for in the long run.

Yeah, I suppose. It's tough, man, it's all fuckin' tough, but it's the thing I was born to do. I'm not talking any kind of fame or fortune here, I'm talking about what it feels like to write and play and sing. And, of course, there's other things, but I guess I'm primarily looking at myself as a writer, because that's how I see myself.

I hope the CD is exceptional, you know. I would love if the album went out into the folky world out there and found new listeners. I would love to be respected as a songwriter.

farmboy, you are respected as a songwriter.

Well, then, I guess what I need to do is respect myself. As a songwriter.

I guess I'm saying that I'd love to have a bigger audience, and I would truly love it if people connected with the songs. So I have to tackle the business aspect as well as make the best CD I can possibly make with the resources I have.

But for now, I need to focus on the CD. I mean, I have to do some stuff for financial reasons, but, man, I need to have the CD foremost in mind, you know?

And I think you do.

Man, I certainly hope so. 'Cause this creative stuff, this is what it's really all about.

Right?

Energy and faith

Okay, so I started planning for the summer and it looks like I could make it financially with music if I work really hard.

Yeah? So what's new?

(laughs) It's actually newer than you think. The key is the "work really hard" part, because I'm afraid I'll get discouraged or lose faith or something and quit. And I don't want to be like that. I want to follow through with things, you know?

I know, farmboy.

It's just a fuckin' uphill struggle all the time and it pisses me off, man. But, well, it's like this CD. I have to follow through with it. I feel like I owe it to all the people who support me. Plus I owe it to myself, just for the creative experience. I've put a lot of energy and faith into this. I have to make it to the final conclusion.

So I need to work really hard. Like John Irving wrote, I need to get obsessed and stay obsessed. I need to have a strong belief in myself and in my songs.

I'm fuckin' workin' on it, man.

You are. You're a good worker, farmboy. You just need to believe in yourself.

Easier said than done, man.

But not impossible.

Yeah. Not impossible.