so trusting anymore

you rejected me
you abandoned me
and now you want me
to forget
someday I might
in some other life
in other words
it hasn't happened yet
I hate the longing for revenge
I hate being so mad
I don't know how I'm gonna move on
all I know is that I can
and I must
but I won't be
so trusting anymore

          

flyover states

I took a wrong way turn 
on a dead end road
on my journey back to you
hit every icy curve
and now I have the nerve
to do what I was born to do

I downed a shot of gin
my favorite medicine
and my courage came into view
now I'm heading down
finally freedom bound
on my journey back to you

          out here on heaven's highway 
          where you'll see no vultures
          seeing everything I've never known
          driving through the
          flyover states
          with nowhere left to go

I'm not believing in myself like I should

farmboy! It's been ages since I've heard from you!

Yeah, I know, man, I'm sorry. I've had emotional problems -- big, major emotional problems.

About what?

Mainly anger, I guess. I don't handle bad news well and I got some really bad news -- which I don't really want to get into -- and I, let's say, had a setback. I ended up being glue for myself, in that my job was to simply keep myself together. Which I did. It's the one victory.

That's quite a victory, actually.

It is. Thank you.

I didn't do any self-harm. That's the most important thing. My eating and exercise went to fuckin' hell and I smoked a lot of weed. I mean, there's some self-harm there, to be sure, but not like taking your wooden cane and beating yourself over the head with it.

That's really dangerous, farmboy.

I know. I talked to my therapist about it. That was another thing. He was on vacation when this all happened.

That's hard.

Yes it is. It was a relief when he came back. 

So I'm working on getting back on my feet, in a way. It's slow and frustrating and I'm not believing in myself like I should. I'm, like, super fragile. Really, really vulnerable.

But I'm, you know, playing guitar and getting back into exercise and doing stuff on the banjo. Someday I'll actually have enough concentration to read a book or watch a movie.

You're working at it, farmboy. Let me know if I can help.

I will, man. You've helped already.

song w/Tom Yager

she sees her destiny 
in the shape of clouds
she has faith in superstition
she gets her way 
with what's not allowed
her history is mostly fiction
her convenient loss of memory
a hand with no other's hand to hold
she swears she's not the enemy
I say can't you see
our love is growing cold

I see a fierce intent in her eyes
a highway drive
with an expensive toll
she cannot compromise
doll, you take first prise
but this shit is getting old
it's good you don't own a gun
it ain't no fun
no trace of amusement
while you're getting all fixed up
I get mixed up
totally confused and

          I am crossing into the opposite lane
          a car crash on a narrow road
          straight into oncoming headlights
          burning into my soul
          burning into my soul

my fitness pal

you are my fitness pal
I take you everywhere
as I shuffle down the street
as I climb up the stairs
I am always aware
that you keep track of me
oh fitness pal
my fitness pal
I cringe at what you see

you are my fitness pal
you're more than just an app
anyone who thinks I'm wrong
is full of crap
you always adapt
to every move I make
but fitness pal
my fitness pal
I could do with less 
of my mistakes

          I know you're watching me
          I feel your energy
          must you always be
          telling me
          the cold, hard truth

you are my fitness pal
I enter facts to you
you help me see the path
of which I never had a clue
you know what to do
and you do it very well
so thank you,
my fitness pal
for helping me
help myself

all the way down

don't walk
too close
to the edge
of the cliff
'cause I just might
push you off
since I met you
I've kept my feelings hid
but I'm afraid
I've had enough
don't walk 
too close
to the edge
of the cliff
'cause that cliff
is too far 
from solid ground 
and I know that
you'll hear me laughing
all the way down

          revenge
          oh, revenge
          that's what I think of
          when I see you 
          on the edge
          revenge
          the sweetest sound
          and I know 
          I'll be feeling righteous
          all the way down
           

dominoes

I want to see them 
topple down
straight in line 
one by one
like dominoes
off the coffee table
in the living room
when your parents
are away