blues talking to me

I woke up this morning
blues were in my bed
woke up this morning
blues were in my bed
I said to the blues
"why aren't you my girl instead"

blues said "what girl
don't you know you're all alone
I don't see no girl
all I see is you alone
if you've got a girl
get her on the telephone"

I said to the blues
"why don't you leave me be
I'm tired of you
and the way you're treating me
be a good guy, blues,
and set this poor boy free"

"I need evidence"
those were the words you spoke
evidence is needed
those were the words you spoke
I shook my head and said
"man, this is a joke"

blues talking to me
as I lay alone in bed
blues talking to me
I'm lying down in bed
I said to the blues
"why aren't you my girl instead"

just right

life is too slow
life is too fast
life is too good to know
life is a pain in the ass
but life is yours
all day including night
and sometimes you're lucky
life is just right

the love of money

"the love of money," he said 
"is the root of all evil
politics is just
show biz for ugly people
now, if you want to make a difference
listen to me
I know what to do
because I know what I see"

I listened with interest
because he knew what I needed
I tried to do good
but I never succeeded
I knew I had a future
I could feel it in my bones
but I never held it in my hands
I always felt so alone

accents (rewrite two)

I miss hearing accents
though they sometimes make me sad
they make me remember
relatives that I once had
in Southern California
aunts and uncles, family friends
and now that they've passed on
I need to hear them all again

with their pure vowels of Spanish
the way they rolled their r's
I'd hear them talk to Dad
from the back seat of the car
and then we'd drive home
from where the journey had begun
mom and dad and four kids
north on highway 101

          though I don't speak the language
          my heart knows it deep inside
          come in this car of memories
          it's time to take a ride

I heard accents in kitchens
and in their living rooms
that seemed to live inside of
the old ranchera tunes
hanging in the air
floating right above me
the sounds of those who cared
the people who loved me

          though I don't speak the language
          my heart knows it deep inside
          come in this car of memories
          it's time to take a ride

it hurts when it's all over
when the ones you love move on
and it's painful to remember 
when they've passed and gone
but that's where I find beauty
where memories survive
sometimes I look inside 
I see they're still alive 

          though I don't speak the language
          my heart has it deep inside
          come in this car of memories
          it's time to take a ride

I miss hearing accents

accents (rewrite one)

I miss hearing accents
though they sometimes make me sad
because they make me think
of all the relatives I had
in Southern California
aunts and uncles, family friends
and now that they've passed on
I need to hear them all again

with their pure vowels of Spanish
the way they rolled their r's
I'd hear them talk to Dad
from the back seat of the car
and then we'd drive back
from where the journey had begun
mom and dad and four kids
north on highway 101

          though I don't speak the language
          my heart knows it deep inside
          come in this car of memories
          it's time to take a ride

I heard accents in kitchens
and in their living rooms
they seemed to live inside of
the old ranchera tunes
hanging in the air
floating right above me
these were the sounds of family
the people who loved me

it hurts when it's all over
when the ones you love move on
and it's painful to remember 
when they've passed and gone
but that's where I find beauty
where memories survive
sometimes I look inside 
I see they're still alive 

          though I don't speak the language
          my heart has it deep inside
          come in this car of memories
          it's time to take a ride

I miss hearing accents
though they sometimes make me sad

crazy life

welcome to another day
on planet earth
another chance
to prove your worth
and prove it you will
with each move you make
every attempt
and every mistake

          and that's okay
          that's how it is
          in this crazy life
          we're living in

today's your chance
to make things right
Sunday morning
after Saturday night
every choice
is yours alone
welcome to earth
this is your home

          and that's okay
          it's not a sin
          in this crazy life
          we're living in

I have thought
and you have, too
way too much
about bad news
there's a lot of stuff
that you can do
today this day
belongs to you

          and that's okay
          let us begin
          this crazy life
          we're living in

good morning bright and early

good morning
bright and early
let the trial begin
it's like a red hot
roller derby
let the best candidate win
are you safe?
are you guilty
what the jury says
will be
the law of the land
and our forefathers' command
if you don't understand
you will fall
what the government does
as illicit because
they don't understand you at all

          all rise
          for the competition of lies
          that we'll categorize
          before you
          it don't matter how
          it's happening now
          the time has come
          to ignore you

different day

different day
same old shit
you wanted adulthood
this is it
no more school
to get in the way
same old job
day after day after day
what can you do?
what can you say?
one day your life will be over

wake up each morning
coffee's the same
you're an occupation
instead of a name
you put in the hours
you wait for your lunch
you savor each sandwich
your chips' every crunch
you see that old time clock
it's time for you to punch
one day your life will be over

          same day
          same old shit
          give me a way
          to get out of it
          if I had my way
          then I would quit
          but what would I do then?

every day
is the same as before
with a crippling boredom
that you can't ignore
you're thinking there's something
else you could do
but capitalism
has it's teeth on you
you may dent this
but you know that it's true
one day you're life will be over

different day
same old shit
you wanted adulthood
this is it

this storm

I have a storm
it's in my mind
there is no warning
there is no sign
this storm can happen
anytime
to anyone
today it's mine

this storm is fierce
imagine that
it's damn near raining
dogs and cats
my mind is flooding
with intrusive thoughts
with all those details
that I forgot

          save me 
          from this brain of mine
          maybe
          help will come in time

the storm is moving
closer in
it's not improving
I cannot swim
in waves of worry
that start within
God save me from
this mess I'm in

I have a storm
it's in my mind
there is no warning
there is no sign
this storm can happen
anytime
to anyone
today it's mine

bad news

I woke up to bad news
it was waiting there for me
buried in text messages
for waking eyes to see
before my morning coffee
before my brain could move
I was attacked by bad news
there was nothing I could do

except take care of taking care
of who I am and what I do
I look at my misfortune
and say "who the fuck are you
to tell me how to live my life
when I could be having fun"
bad news looked at me and said
"your problem's just begun"

"not a chance" I shouted
to whoever could hear
I looked at bad news and said
"you're going to disappear"
and then I solved my problem
and went along my way
bad news don't mean nothing
when there's nothing it can say

accents

I miss hearing accents
though they sometimes make me sad
because they make me think
of all the relatives I had
in Southern California
aunts and uncles, family friends
and now that they've passed on
I'd like to hear them all again

with the pure vowels of Spanish
the way they rolled their r's
I'd hear them say adios
from the back seat of the car
and then we'd drive home
from where the journey had begun
mom and dad and four kids
north on highway 101

          though I never learned the language well
          my heart has it deep inside
          come in this car of memories
          it's time to take a ride

it hurts when it's all over
when the ones you love move on
and it's painful to remember them
when they've passed and gone
but that's where the beauty lives
when memories survive
don't deny a look inside yourself
to see they're still alive

          though I never learned the language well
          my heart has it deep inside
          come in this car of memories
          it's time to take a ride

I miss hearing accents
though they sometimes make me sad
because they make me think
of all the relatives I had

moment of weakness

in a moment of weakness
I bought the cheese-its
and brought them into my home
they sat there uneaten
I thought I'd be cheating
how could I have known
that temptation is waiting
and I'm anticipating
that tasty processed-food crunch
I can't take it anymore
I'm shaking on the floor
so I ate the whole box for lunch

stories that you tell (rewrite one)

I don't want to be jealous
but I can't help myself
it happens when you're talking
about somebody else
I'm not proud of this example
of my mental health
I just want to be inside the
stories that you tell

I have stumbled through life
wishing I wasn't me
I think of how successful
my other self would be
then maybe I'd impress you
I'd have something to sell
I just want to be inside the
stories that you tell

you have all your new friends
and I know I am not one
I don't believe you notice me
when all is said and done
still I keep on trying
but it's too soon to tell
I'm auditioning to take part in
the stories that you tell

give me a chance just maybe
you'll change your point of view
of all those other people
you have surrounding you
I know I can be worthy
with a chance to prove myself
I just want to be inside the
stories that you tell

stories that you tell

I don't want to be jealous
but I can't help myself
it happens when you're talking
about somebody else
I'm not proud of this fact
or of my mental health
but I want to be inside the
stories that you tell

me, I stumble through life
wishing I wasn't me
I think of how successful
my other self would be
maybe then I would impress you
I'd have something to sell
I just want to be a part of
the stories that you tell

you have all your heroes
and I know I am not one
I don't believe you notice me
when all is said and done
but I keep on trying
but it's too soon to tell
I'm auditioning for a role in
the stories that you tell

so give me half a chance
maybe you'll change your view
of all those other people
you have surrounding you
I know I can be worthy
give me a chance to prove myself
I just want to be inside of
all the stories that you tell

free me from

free me from my anxiety
I don't want to have to take a pill
just to get through the working day
sometimes it makes me drowsy
and I mean it no ill will
but I guess I'll just take it anyway

free me from my mind sometimes
it doesn't know how to let go
of childhood voices and bad, bad choices
sometimes they drive me crazy
they're all I've ever known
what I'd give to make them go away

          I just don't know
          what I'm supposed to do
          where should I go
          look, I'm just traveling through

free me from my worried thoughts
they're overcrowding me
sometimes I think they're taking over
I look out the window
at the world surrounding me
and I think what I could discover

          I just don't know
          what I'm supposed to do
          where should I go
          look, I'm just traveling through

today I'm alive

today I'm alive
tomorrow not so sure
I discovered what the problem was
but I have not found the cure
but still I keep on searching
in order to survive
but then again, until then
today I'm alive

today I feel fine
tomorrow I don't know
everything was a-okay
until just a minute ago
when I remembered my confidence
and then remember it lies
but I don't need to plant the seed
today I'm alive

          help me hold off
          until tomorrow
          I've got all I can handle today

today is the day
but I don't know what for
lately it seems
it doesn't matter anymore
everything I do
is just a bitter compromise
but I'll use my head and work instead
today I'm alive

          help me hold off
          until tomorrow
          I've got all I can handle today

today I'm alive
tomorrow not so sure
I discovered what the problem was
but I have not found the cure
but still I keep on searching
in order to survive
but then again, until then
today I'm alive

worry

all I do is worry
at worrying I'm the best
I can outworry anybody
go ahead
put me to the test
I look into the future
from my inner crystal ball
and what I see within it
it can make your skin just crawl
but still I keep on worrying
like it's all that I can do
I worry that all my worrying
will someday become true

you can watch me worry
I'll be running all around
a regular chicken little
screaming "the sky is falling down"
like it's gonna solve my problems
like it's gonna make me safe
like it's the truth and nothing else
that is my mistake
but I keep on worrying
like it's going to help somehow
I'd put it off until tomorrow
but my mind is screaming "right now"
I worry that worrying
is all that I allow

if I take a deep breath
maybe if I meditate
maybe call my therapist
I pray it's not too late
'cause my worrying is troubling 
it makes my life a mess
with every doubting state of mind
and no instead of yes
but still I keep on worrying
what am I to do?
maybe I'll redirect my worrying
and worry about you

'cause tomorrow

I was standing on the corner
waiting for a change of scenery
when I saw something happening
someone was being mean to me
I said "Hey man, what's your problem
don't you know this is my space
he just looked at me and shouted
"Go back to the human race"
I felt disgraced
I felt like everything I've done has been in vain
but I can't complain
'cause tomorrow I will do it all again

I was drinking low rent vodka
from a big red solo cup
I had filled it to the brim
but somehow that was not enough
I said "Hey man, give me something
that will ease my worried mind"
he just handed me a quarter
and a week-old New York Times
I changed my mind
I wanted things the way that were back then
I just can't win
but tomorrow I will do it all again

I was hearing sounds of freedom
but I couldn't sing along
I didn't know the melody
or lyrics to the song
but I have made my mind up
that I'm going to reappear
as soon as I can figure out
someway out of here
I think it's near
I feel all I really need is just a friend
or next of kin
and tomorrow I will do it all again

just yesterday

just yesterday 
I was feeling fine
I didn't have nothing
on my mind
but today is different
I got the blues
but I'm not always 
bound to lose

life ain't always
really bad
think of all
the fun you've had
I know today
you just can't win
but the good times will
come back again

         I know it's true
         what was good
         will come back to you
         you're trying to cope
         all you need to do
         is not give up hope

just yesterday
things were going good
kinda like
the way they should
today's not great
not even just fine
but know that 
that will change in time

help me remember (rewrite one)

help me remember
who I really am
I lost myself somehow
and I don't know if I can
find myself again
I need to be who I have been

help me remember
who I am inside
I know I'm in trouble
and there's nowhere to hide
I know I'm in here somewhere
if anybody cares

          I used to be somebody who
          was somebody I always knew
          now I don't have a clue
          this is why I'm asking you

help me remember
when I wasn't afraid
when I didn't regret
all the mistakes I have made
I used to be somebody's friend
one day that all came to an end

          I used to be a stronger man
          now I have to understand
          that most things are beyond my command
          help me if you can

help me remember
I need to know because
I have no way to recall
just who I really was
please just do me one last favor
overlook my strange behavior
don't look toward someone else
help me remember
help me remember
help me remember
myself

So far, so good

You know, I just wanted to let you know that life has been pretty even lately. No big ups or downs, no cursing at God about my rotten luck, no calls to suicide prevention. Of course, I did see my psychiatrist Monday and I ended up in tears because my life is sad and depressing. But for the last few days...so far, so good.

And what do you attribute this to, farmboy?

I have so fuckin' clue, man. And -- I gotta tell you this before I go on -- it's not like I'm happy. As I said, my life is sad and depressing, and that kind of goes without saying. It's just that there are no major swings in mood, or at least there hasn't been in the last few days. It's such a relief.

Actually, one thing that may contribute to this new feeling or lack of feelings might just be because I was busier than usual and had human contact. I think, for me, the main plan of attack for this depression stuff is action. When I take action, that's when things start to get better. I don't feel so out of control. I gotta remember this.

What have you been busy with?

Improving my life, basically. There's these main things I have to do in order to feel useful...well, it's more than just feeling useful. There's the satisfaction that I get sometimes for working hard. But, anyway, I write every day. I walk, you know, I get some exercise. I practice music, I try to eat well. When all goes right, I track my eating on an app. I don't do so well sometimes. But at least I try.

I can see where all these things can help. I like that you're doing them in spite of the depression that you feel. How's that going, farmboy?

It's hard sometimes. I would be able to accomplish so much if it wasn't for the fuckin' depression. I go to therapy, I'm taking medications. A lot of medications, if you ask me. It's remarkable to me how many meds I take for depression. Effexor, Wellbutrin, Klonopin...and there's still more. Not to mention the weed that I inhale. This depression stuff is fuckin' wicked. 

But, you know, I'm still going. I try to do the things that need to get done, and when they're not, hopefully at least I've tried and can forgive myself. That's a hard one, too, forgiving yourself.

Man, thank you so much for listening to my rambling. I don't say it enough: I appreciate you listening. Thank you.

help me remember

help me remember
who I really am
I lost myself somehow
and I don't know if I can
find myself again
I want to be who I have been

help me remember
who I am inside
I know I'm in trouble
and there's nowhere to hide
I know I'm in here somewhere
if anybody cares

          I used to be somebody who
          was not afraid of something new
          now I don't have a clue
          this is why I'm asking you

help me remember
when I wasn't afraid
when I didn't regret
all the mistakes I have made
I used to be somebody's friend
one day that all came to an end
and I'm the one to blame
help me remember my name

          I used to be a stronger man
          who always tried to understand
          that some things are beyond my command
          help me if you can

help me remember
I need to know because
I have no way to recall
just who I really was
please just do me one last favor
overlook my strange behavior
don't look toward someone else
help me remember
help me remember
help me remember
myself

be less worthless

be less worthless
that's what I want to be
somebody needs to take
this lack of worth off me
'cause I've been so worthless
so full of hate and greed
a major dose of worthiness
is exactly what I need

I could be the one who matters
I could be of use
I could help somebody else
I have no excuse
I know if I look hard enough
there is goodness deep inside
it's just a mystery
the way it tries to hide

be less worthless
that's my goal in life
to somehow stop the wrong I do
and turn it into right
'cause, me, I am so worthless
as least that's what I've been told
those voices deep inside me
are getting pretty old

I could be the one you want
if I make up my mind to try
I know it's really all my fault
but I don't know why
I know if I look hard enough
answers will come my way
so I guess I'll keep on fumbling
till I get to that day

be less worthless
that's my motto now
I know I want to do it
but I don't know how
be less worthless
that's what I want to be
somebody needs to take
this lack of worth off me

waiting for the other door to open

when one door closes
another one appears
that cliche tells me
the words I long to hear
that good times are coming
inner peace is getting near
so why am I in limbo
day after week after year

          I'm waiting for the other door to open
          take me where my destiny's in tune
          it's taking much longer than I was hoping
          but I tell myself it's going to open soon

you can only hope for so long
before you start to think you're wasting your time
it seems everything's bound to go wrong
and the punishment's not equal to the crime

          I'm waiting for the other door to open
          where my future's waiting breathlessly for me
          I'm tired of learning ways of coping
          I'm waiting for the past to set me free

when one door closes
there's another to go through
that's what they told me
but I don't know if it's true
because I've been very patient
though I haven't got a clue
so why am I in limbo
and I don't know what to do

          I'm waiting for the other door to open
          to sweep me up and let me come inside
          I'm waiting for the other door to open
          please don't tell me someone lied

nothing ever works

nothing ever works
nothing ever happens
just lots of other crap in
this life I go through
everyone's a jerk
when nothing ever happens
you can hear my fingers tapping
so what can I do

I can pick up my guitar
I can make a lot of sound
I'll think I am going far
till the police come around
trying to shut me down