Red hot hate

Nothing is ever going to fuckin' happen and I should just shoot myself right now. Nothing is fair when it comes to my life. I am filled with red hot hate. There is no help for me and nobody will ever notice. I hate my fuckin' life.

Calmer

Right now's a little calmer thanks to Klonopin and majiuana and a session with my therapist. Thank God. I'll see how long this lasts.

More

I am so filled with hate and anger I feel like I'm going to explode. But nobody can hear or help me.

No reason

There is no reason to keep going on.

Then this happens

I'm just losing all the way around anymore. I just got the news that the song I sent off to be in a competition wasn't selected. 

Fuck! Jesus Christ! Why the fuck can't I ever win? I don't fuckin' know why I try. First, my brother and his family decide I'm not good enough to go with them on their trip. Then this happens. 

I am so sad and so angry and it doesn't fuckin' matter 'cause nothing is going to change. Forget everything today. Forget the practicing, the eating correctly, the exercising, everything. Nobody will help me. Fuck this world.

They didn't even ask me

So I got my fuckin' feelings hurt. My brother and his wife and daughter and mother-in-law all went out yesterday for an all-day trip to this lake that is beautiful, from what I hear.

You didn't go, farmboy?

I wasn't fuckin' asked. I was completely forgotten about. Or, rather, they didn't want me to go with them.

Fuck them. Goddamn them. And then they tell me about it! Damn it, what is their fuckin' problem? Do they think I'm stupid? 

I don't feel good. It's hot. Every day is the same, unless it's worse.

They didn't even fuckin' ask me. I haven't been fuckin' anywhere this year, and they didn't even ask me.

I took a Klonopin. I hope it works. In a little over an hour, I get to smoke weed. I hope that works. It's too hot to sleep.

They didn't even fuckin' ask me.

And nothing helps

Well, today. It's a hot one. It's 98 degrees outside right now. Fuckin' weather.

Other than that, nothing has changed. And it definitely hasn't changed for the better. I am so fuckin' isolated during this fuckin' pandemic. I'm too afraid of Covid to go to the protests, which makes me feel terrible. I hardly ever talk to people, even though I call people up. Mostly I've been listening to music and playing and writing and doing all the stuff that I do with no actual results.

You're becoming a better musician, farmboy.

Not so much. And I don't know if that even matters, since nothing ever changes there, either. Every day is the fuckin' same, unless things get worse. I have had bad luck all my life; it's the one constant of my existence. But lately I'm just focused on all the mistakes I've made during my life. Not to mention the unfairness of given the ability to make music, but not music that is apparently good enough for fuckin' anybody. Nobody wants to hear me, and no matter how hard I fuckin' try, the songs aren't coming. So I don't even get the joy of creating. 

It will come back...

I'm through with wasting my time. I can't fuckin' eat 'cause I'll gain weight, I can't do anything because it's too fuckin' hot, and I'm almost finished with the book that's been providing me with escape and education.

My life fuckin' sucks. And it refuses to fuckin' change. Everything I do is for nothing. I fuckin' hate something, but I don't know what.

And nothing helps. No matter what actions I take, nothing fuckin' matters. Everything stays the same, or it gets worse.

I don't know what I can do.

falling

I am so sad today
I don't have it together
think I'll get my anxiety pills
find a way to make it better
I don't want to pity myself 
but today I wish I was someone else
there must be someone I can tell
who can help me
I'm falling
and I can't get up

look at me

I don't know what to do anymore
every day is exactly the same
today is just the day before
another chance to play a losing game
just give me a boost
so I can reach the top of this cabinet
I'm not in this to lose
I guess it's become quite a habit
help me here
give me strength
I will go
to any length
to be the man you want me to be
look at me

trouble will come

you can try to ignore it

you can try to escape

you can kneel before it

call it a mistake

you can hide under the bed

you can go on the run

but no matter what happens

trouble will come

trouble will find you

wherever you are

betting on nothing

wishing on a star

it's looking right at you

and you're number one

there's no use for hindsight

trouble will come

          and you can defeat it

          and you know that you will

          but trouble is watching

          it's just over the hill

your back is sore

you couldn't sleep all night

those are the conditions

that trouble seems to like

your patterns don't matter

it doesn't care what you've done

it's waiting for you

trouble will come

grateful

right now I'm at peace
who knows how long this will last
I am so grateful

Fuck this shit

Goddamnit, it's another fuckin' day in a life where nothing ever fuckin' happens. I'm so tired of this fuckin' shit. Everything goes fuckin' wrong and there ain't a goddamn thing I can do about it. Fuck this shit. Everything from the fuckin' computer to my imaginary music career is fucked. There's nothing to do except wait for more fuckin' trouble to come my way. That's the only way anything fuckin' changes. This isn't worth it. Take me now. 

Something good has got to fuckin' happen. I need it. Soon. I need it now.

Nothing ever fuckin' changes

I don't feel like fuckin' writing. I hate writing. I hate all this stuff where you don't see any sign of improvement. It's all for fuckin' nothing, man. All this fuckin' discipline that leads to nowhere. You keep writing, you keep exercising, you keep practicing, and it's all for fuckin' nothing. I've had it. There's no use in doing fuckin' anything. It's all frustration. That's all there is. There's no sign of improvement, nothing ever changes, everything always stays the same unless it's bad news trying to break down your front door.

I'm had enough. I'm giving up. There is no reason for this. From now on, I'm eating what I want, when I walk, and I'm not going to worry about walking or exercising or anything. Obviously nobody wants to hear my music. Obviously nobody wants me as their friend. So I'm always alone. I'm isolated from everybody in this apartment and nothing's going to change that. 

Nothing ever fuckin' changes. It's the same day, over and over. And I try to keep on hoping but it doesn't do any good. I gave up meditating -- it wasn't doing fuckin' anything but making me miserable. For over three years I did that shit with absolutely no results. So much for inner peace.

I want out of here. I want out of my life. I want things to change. I want there to be good news.

I am fuckin' hopeless.

coffeeshop revolutionaries

I was hanging with the coffeeshop revolutionaries
when you walked over to our table
you stared right into my face
and asked me if I'd like to order
I really wanted to take you home
to my midnight rendezvous
northwest, the other side of town
somewhere near the neighborhood border

your silence

today I listened to your silence
and this is what it said
it told me you were hanging on
by a very narrow thread
that you were bearing the weight
of everyone around you
and now you're being tortured
by the pain that surrounds you

          I know it doesn't mean much
          but you will be okay
          just try to make it through
          another day
          you will be okay

I will be your witness

I will be your witness
I will see you fighting
when you think you can't win
fall on the ground
get back up again
I will see your every move
I will be your witness
I will see you trying
to do the best you can
see your pride and honor
and you stand upon this land
I will see all that you can do 
you make this world your business
I will be your witness

small town talk

it ain't nothing
nothing to have to do with us
it ain't nothing
no need to raise a fuss
it's just what happens
when you live like this
in a tiny little place
where there should be bliss
it happens wherever you walk
small town talk

going out

I'm wearing my mask
that's what it's all about
I'm opening the door
I'm going out
into the big, big world
where I belong
I just hope that I
don't do it wrong

birthday

I wish it was my birthday
because I want some cake
I'd like it to be my special day
even though it ain't
I could use some attention
whiskey inside my iced tea
I don't even mind getting older
happy fucking birthday to me

bad luck blues

bad luck follows me
everywhere I go
bad luck follows me
everywhere I go
seems like bad luck
is the only luck I know

wake up in the morning
know I'm bound to lose
wake up this morning
know I'm bound to lose
I try to understand
but I wind up so confused

I know there's nothing
where something should be
I know there's nothing
where something should be
but lately nothing
is what's holding me

bad luck follows me
everywhere I go
bad luck follows me
everywhere I go
seems like bad luck
is the only luck I know

sorrow song

if I could reach into my heart
and tell you all my sorrow
would you listen
or would you just not care
if I could search inside my soul
and find a reason for tomorrow
would you help me
would you be there

pandemic haiku

I'm hurting today
'cause nothing ever changes
fuck this pandemic

salt

my life's a raging inferno
and it's not all my fault
when you have a lot of wounds
everything feels like salt
I've been fighting for so long
that I don't know how to rest
I don't know what I'm doing
but I'm trying to do my best

I miss living a life

I miss living a life
where I am around people
who mean something to me

I wake up every day now
with hours and hours
to fill
and there's nothing to fill it with

I am searching for the end of this
but hope is running out

gas station food

I miss gas station food
and roads I've never been down
I don't mean to be rude
but I hate just hanging around
waiting for things to happen
waiting for my life to begin
waiting for fingers a-snappin'
waiting for a loser to win

I miss wide open country
and old dogs in the yard
from where I can see,
all living is hard
I want to be in the sunshine
I want to live on the land
I want a chance of what's mine
I want to be who I am

          to live in this city
          is getting pretty old
          I'm tired of doing
          whatever I'm told

I miss talking to strangers
and flirting with girls
I don't feel in danger
when I'm exploring the world
I need to be with the living
I need all the dreams that I own
I need to be more forgiving
I need to find somewhere
that I can call home

I miss gas station food
and roads I've never been down
I don't mean to be rude
but I hate just hanging around

I will sleep

I will sleep
a good, long sleep
when you are finally gone
I will rest
I'll be the best
when you have moved along
and when you've fled
I will not shed
one tear for you
I will sleep the whole night through
I will sleep

I will hope
like I used to hope
when you are finally gone
I'd wish you the best
but I really don't care
whatever road you're on
and when you're done
we'll have begun
whatever we have hope to do
I will sleep the whole night through
I will sleep

you don't even know

you don't even know
that you hurt me
I never appear
in your mind
I'm sure you barely remember
leaving me so far behind
I'd be surprised if I were recognized
if you even recall my name
I bet you don't even acknowledge
that you're the one to blame

you don't even know
you destroyed me
with neither actions or words
all those words you never said to me
all those nouns and action verbs
you don't know that you are guilty
of hurting me so
all the times you have forgotten
I'm someone you used to know

           you don't remember
           my memory was not worth saving
           you don't remember
           the man I used to be
           I know I did
           my share of misbehaving
           but I don't deserve the pain
           you left inside of me

you don't even know
that I remember
you don't even know
that I exist
I'm somebody you got rid of
you couldn't wait
to cross me off your list
go ahead-- go your own way
with no thought except yourself
is it really that enjoyable
when you bring pain to someone else

you don't even know
that you hurt me
I never appear
in your mind
I'm sure you barely remember
leaving me so far behind

the world turns silently

the world turns silently
people mean a lot of noise
we all have our opinions
it is a conscious choice
but we say them anyway
we like the sound of our own voice
we say:
listen to me
I am here
I'm not gonna
disappear
the world turns silently
and I am screaming

today I woke up early

today I woke up early
in the middle of the afternoon
I went to bed at 5 a.m.
with the disappearing moon
everything is upside down
including my self-esteem
it's this way 'most every day
if you know what I mean

nowhere to be found

I can't do anything I want
all the exits have been blocked
all the doors to the future
have been bolted down and locked
there is no one here to help me
I know today I'm on my own
I walk these streets for hours
looking for somewhere to call home

          I beg of you to save me
          think I'll take a look around
          I beg of you to save me
          but you're nowhere to be found

glad that I'm alive

today I'm gonna be 
glad that I'm alive
I'm going to do my best 
to do more than just survive
I'm telling you the truth, man, 
these aren't just silly lies
this time I'm gonna try

it's really not so hard to be
glad that I am here
as long as I don't let
my defenses disappear
this world may not be as bad
as it first appears
this time I'm gonna try

          and if I don't make it
          shame on me
          I guess it ain't the way
          that it's supposed to be

today I'm gonna be
glad that I'm alive
show me you believe in me
give me a high five
I've been searching all my life
it's time that I arrive
this time I'm gonna try

fine art of losing

nothing is going right
everything is confusing
the only thing I'm good at
is the fine art of losing
I know it's my own damn fault
life's there for the choosing
and I guess
I'm choosing to be depressed

that's what life is

this is how you do it
you know there's nothing to it
you just breathe and live
and blame and forgive
that's what life is
you've been practicing a long, long time

this is how you know it
you don't see nothing below it
you just use your eyes
expect a surprise
maybe you don't get it
that's what life is
you've been practicing a long, long time

I don't have a fuckin' clue

It's the beginning of July. The first of July, to be exact. This pandemic thing...well, it's continuing. That's really all I can say about it. I know there's going to be a vaccine at some point, but it's going to take a while. In the meantime, a lot of people are being as fuckin' stupid as they can be about this. It's like they don't understand that we're in a fuckin' pandemic that really doesn't give a shit about what we think about it.

I can't believe how stupid some people are being about this, farmboy. We could have this under control if people would just think straight and wear masks and practice social distancing. 

I know, man. I have no idea how long this will all last if we keep crying and moaning about how the precautions are taking away our freedoms. I'd like to live, you know? But people are so fuckin' impatient. They have to get their fuckin' haircuts, they have to go out to bars and to the beaches. And now look at what's happening. 

It's horrible.

It's more than horrible. It's irresponsible and it's fuckin' selfish. What the fuck are these people thinking? C'mon, it's not that big a sacrifice to wear a fuckin' mask and distance yourself. 

Do you think things will improve, farmboy?

I have no idea. I don't have a fuckin' clue. I'm just taking everything one day at a time, just like Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm taking precautions. I'm not going out excessively. I but groceries every two weeks. I plan. I'm being careful. Lot a lot of people.

I would like things to improve, which is what the vaccine will do.

So what are you going to do until then?

Just the same old same old, you know? I'm going to continue being careful and I'm going to keep being informed. I know what I'm going to do. And I'm doing it.