Sunday, July 31, 2011

I am just a fuckin' mistake

So how was the video shoot...

(The interviewer looks at farmboy, who looks like he's been crying.)

What's wrong, farmboy? Are you all right?

I'm all depressed fuckin' feelings are hurt again 'cause I'm not playing at the big gig all my friends are playing at. And I feel like nothing is ever going to go right for me and that everything I do is a mistake. I'm fucked financially and job-wise and the only fuckin' thing I do, this music stuff, has been rejected my friends.

Well, fuck this. I've smoked pot and I'm taking this generic Pepto Bismol stuff for my stomach, since all I have to show for the past three or four months of stress and worrying is my fuckin' ulcer.

Fuck, man, I am just a fuckin' mistake.

farmboy, you're depressed and you're not seeing things clearly...

I am so sad. I am so sad.


Man, I can't really fuckin' think right now. I'll talk with you tomorrow.

Are you okay, farmboy?

I'm fine. I'm not going to do anything stupid, other than eat this apple fritter I bought on the way home. No need for worry.

You sure?

I'm okay. Really.

Call if...

I will. Thanks, man. I just have to not think for a while.

radio, baby

no more illusions
there's no time for fantasy
this is here and now

breaths go in and out
like the foamy Pacific tide
lapping on the shore

radio, baby
forbidden songs, sex and sin
dark in the alley

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Cashing in all my good karma

Hey, man.

Hey, farmboy. How did the video shoot go?

It went well, thanks. It's done...or rather, my part is done. You know, the pitching of the product, trying to sell it, all that shit. And I was okay. Not great, but I'm hoping I come across as honest 'cause that's what I want to be -- honest.

So my part's done and it's a major relief, man. Like I'm glad I have that over with, you know?

So what's next on this Kickstarter trail?

Well, I tell ya. I'm gonna submit the application in a couple days. Really, I think the main thing that I need to do is just be honest about what I'm doing, 'cause Kickstarter -- you know, I'm the kind of person they fuckin' made Kickstarter for. I'm a creative person who needs funding for a project.

You know, it's funny. I feel like, if I have any good karma and if all that karma stuff is true, then, man, I'm cashing in all my good karma for this project.

I think you've got plenty of good karma, farmboy.

What's that phrase? From your lips to God's ear? You know, something like that.

Kickstarter video script

Hey, folks, my name is farmboy and I'm a songwriter who lives in Portland, Oregon. I play anywhere I can, from coffeehouses to hospitals, from concert venues to classrooms.

I've been writing songs for most of my life and I've made three commercially available CDs. My songs are usually, but not always, written from the point of view of characters who are trying to figure out how to deal with the conflicts in their lives. I like to think of them as short stories or character sketches set to music. A friend of mine told me once that John Steinbeck said "All fiction is autobiography." Well, that's the way I look at my songs. I'm using fiction and music to help figure out the conflicts in my life, and I'm thinking that they may apply to your lives also. This is my life's work and this is how I fight the good fight.

It's been seven years since my last recording and I'm feeling the need to make another. To do this, I'd like to ask for your help in funding this project. On this Kickstarter page, you'll see some premiums you can get for helping to support my music, ranging from framed original poems and CDs to house concerts and songs written specifically for you or even with you, if you wish.

I hope that you'll consider helping me put my songs out in the world and I thank you for your interest and your time.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Sleep with the window open

unusual day
nothing changes -- good or bad
rest has earned its keep

time will not lie down
you can't make summer stay, still
foolishly I try

electric fan spins
sleep with the window open
July shirtless days

oh my cowboy pal
saddle up, the sunrise waits
for your returning

I like night with stars
no fuckin' electric lights
long coyote howls

Thursday, July 28, 2011

A songwriting boy scout

Oh, man, I gotta work on this video thing for the Kickstarter project.

Having any trouble with it?

Just with getting started. The usual, you know.

So then...let's figure this out, farmboy. Let's start with the points you want to make.


What do you need to say in this video?

Um...I need to explain who I am and what I'm doing. I need to give people some kind of sample of my music. I have to give them some info about my experience and maybe some kind of mission statement about my music and what makes me different from everybody else out there. I need to give them some kind of overview about the project.

I'd like to come across as likable and friendly and confident about my abilities without being egotistical about it.

Like putting the focus on your music and your songs...

Instead of myself and -- for lack of a better word -- the show-biz aspect of performing and recording and writing. My songs don't have much to do with that fuckin' show-biz world out there. I'd like the emphasis to be on the writing

Maybe some little examples of songs off the new CD, like a verse of a chorus of a couple of songs.

Yeah, and I've thought about maybe recording a couple of videos for YouTube of some songs. I don't know for sure if we'll have time during the video shoot Friday, but we'll see. I can do that with little problem.

So, farmboy, let's figure out some kind of order for this video. Let's make an outline.

Okay. Here's what I'm thinking:

1) Start off the bat with some kind of music, maybe a verse or chorus or maybe just some instrumental guitar. If it's got lyrics, I want it to be representative of who I am and what my writing is like.

2) Introduce myself. Like "Hey, folks, I'm farmboy and I've been trying to fight the good fight by writing songs for a long time..."

I think specifics would be a good idea, farmboy.

That's true. Then I'll tell people that I've been writing this album for the past seven years or so and now it feels like it's the right time to put them out for other people to hear.

3) Explain what the album will be -- a simply produced CD with some backing but with the emphasis placed squarely on the song. Everything will be in service to the songs. Maybe mention some of the people who will be playing on it.

4) Explain how much money you'd like to get and explore the advantages of, basically, investing in my music. This is where I would tell people about the premiums.

5) In closing, remind people of the deadline, tell them how much their support would mean to me, how I intend to promote it...

And to say thank you.

Yeah. That's super important.

And then I would end with some snippet of a song and fadeout. Or something like that.

So this gives you a starting point...

It gives me some kind of organization and something to work with.

When do you shoot the video, farmboy?

Saturday afternoon, 5 p.m.

So you still have time to flesh this out and prepare it.

Yeah. I'd like to do some rehearsing but I really don't want it to be slick or manipulating. I would like it to be sincere and honest. But I'd like to be sure of myself and the only way I've found to do that is to put work behind it. Being prepared. It's like being a songwriting boy scout...

Be prepared!

Exactly, man.

Thanks for your help.

You're the one who did all the work, farmboy.

Maybe. But you did the pushing. And that's what I needed.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Halfway resembles some kind of success

friends I might have made
legendary times to be
all has passed me by

I tried calling you, farmboy. I thought maybe you were asleep.

Naw. I was at a songwriter critique/get together. You know, like half a dozen people. All good people and good songwriters. I've done the critique thing a lot in my life, and I don't know if I need it as much now as I did back then. I'm more self-reliant now, I listen to my instincts more. I trust my instincts, man. I don't want to second-guess myself.

So I go mostly for the social element. I had a good time, you know, and I'm glad I went. It's necessary to get out of this fuckin' apartment sometimes.

It's healthy.

Yeah, it is. I just wish I wasn't so fuckin' neurotic and oversensitive and shit. But it wasn't bad tonight. I mean, the fuckin' depression was still there, but it was a lot more subtle than it has been. And these days I'm thankful for anything that even halfway resembles some kind of success.

But it was good, you know. It's just that my...I need some fuckin' confidence, man, I need to have good self esteem. I'm not a failure.

I know. That's what I've been telling you all along, farmboy.

That's true, you have. Now my job is to find a way to believe it.

You will.

I fuckin' better, man.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


You know, man, I try to write, I really do. So one thing I've been writing -- even though, technically speaking, it's not really writing -- is poetry. Haiku, to be specific. So what's the plural of haiku?

Good question, farmboy. Haikii?

I don't know either. That's why I asked.

Anyway, I bought this Magnetic Poetry calendar, like, six months ago 'cause it was, like, three bucks and change. So that's what I'm doing with these haiku things.

Here's yesterday's:

play hard step gentle
imagine essential ground
morning feels sweet


The day before -- let's see if I can reconstruct it.

between fire & moon
believe a future summer
almost vacation

Well, man, that one's not so fuckin' great, maybe. It was better day before yesterday. I didn't remember it well. Not that yesterday's was, either. Great, that is.

But what I'm trying to do is free myself up, you know, so words don't seem so fuckin' rare. 'Cause they're not. It's the same kind of process that I use with guitar and making up guitar melodies. That's why it's important that I play guitar every day, hopefully a number of times a day.

I see. So do you have a haiku for today, farmboy?

I knew you'd ask that. (farmboy gets out the calendar) Here goes nothin', man.

relax from garden work
rain has never let me taste
a thaw so gentle

Very good. What does it mean?

I have no fuckin' idea, man.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Throwing myself into real life

to-do list:

1) Write, edit and rehearse Kickstarter pitch for video (which will be shot on Saturday @ 5 the coffeehouse.

2) Send correspondence:
-- friends who donated money
-- bills (medical and business)

3) Renew cell phone usage

4) Follow up on places you have given promo CDs to

5) Complete rewrite of song for Wednesday's song critique session

6) Continue working on CD

7) Continue playing and rehearsing

8) Write (or rewrite) a song for Sunday's songwriting group

9) Go over Kickstarter premiums

10) Look at Kickstarter application

11) Apartment cleaning

12) Record on Garage Band

Looks good, farmboy. I like this organizing stuff you're doing. I believe this has been the third week, right?

Something like that, man.

The main thing for this week is the Kickstarter stuff, because I'm really fuckin' serious about it. This has to happen.

I'm glad to see you're serious about this -- even though, farmboy, I had no doubt.

It's like I'm throwing myself into real life, man. I need to do my best as far as getting out of my own
way. I have a friend who once put it as tripping over my own shoelaces. Which I've always thought would make a good phrase for a song. I just haven't found the right one yet.

So, anyway, I talked to a friend of mine, and he's going to shoot the video on Saturday. Which gives me time to write the pitch and edit it and maybe even rehearse it, I may be needing you as a sounding board, man.

I'm here, any time, farmboy.

Fuck, man, you're so great.

Thanks for letting me get involved with this. This could be exciting!

Fuck, yeah, man. Keepin' my eye on the prize, you know.

Good thing to do.

As long as I keep my eyes wide open when the process is happening and do the best work I can with the tools I have, man.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

A solitary retreat

Hey, I'm back from house-sitting.

And how was it, farmboy?

It was good, man, thanks for asking. Basically I spent a lot of time with Annie, the dog. Such a sweet dog and smart, too. Listened to a lot of music, which I haven't been doing too much of lately. Played a lot of guitar and I sang and I played stuff from the upcoming CD. Looking back on it, it was fuckin' great. It was like a solitary retreat, in a way.

Sounds good.

What went on over here?

Oh, it's been a little warm. Nothing extreme, though. Still, it would have been nice to have A/C in the house.

Yeah, I had it. It is really nice.

Hey, I'm gonna go get readjusted to my apartment.

Have a good night, farmboy.

Point taken, man.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Keepin' on keepin' on

Just saw my counselor.

What did he say? How did it go?

Went okay. What he's telling me is to notice when I get off-track. Like when I start panicking, you know, living in fear, when I go "What if...?"

Which are things you do a lot, farmboy.

No shit, Sherlock! (laughs) He says that I do all this stuff as away of protecting myself from fears that, many times, are really only in my imagination.

Or you're blowing them up larger than they already are.

Exactly. So when he says "center yourself," it's kinda like getting back to reality, you know? And I do do that all the fuckin' time, man.

I know. I've seen your frustration with it.

So that's what I'm gonna be doing. Keepin' on keepin' on, you know, just notice things.

Good work, farmboy.

Good work?

You're getting things done, youy're working on your issues, you're struggling to find your way out of the darkness. You're on the right path, farmboy.

Thanks, man. I'm fuckin' trying, I really am.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

All kinds of sad

So I'm gonna be housesitting for a few days...

Is a that good or bad thing, farmboy?

Oh, you know, it's okay. It's really different from being at home, 'cause there's a dog and a piano and A/C. Not that I even need A/C all that much. It's been an incredibly mild winter here in the Pacific Northwest. Everywhere else in this country there's been a massive heatwave. So I think I should probably count my blessings.

Which reminds me: How is your blessing duty going? The one your counselor is having you do?

Well, let's see. My three blessings for today...It's been a really hard day. It seems like every day has been fuckin' hard lately.

I hate to tell you this, farmboy, but your life has been hard lately. It seems to be that your whole summer has been hard.

Yeah, it fuckin' sucks. If I'm not worrying about money, I'm worried about my health. After that I worry about being alone. And somewhere in all this my fuckin' depression is eating me alive. Fuck, man, it just seems that lately I've just been all kinds of sad, you know.

But three blessings? Um...playing guitar. I don't know how I'd do it if I couldn't play guitar. I don't know how people live who don't play guitar. So that's one. Two? Freshly ground coffee. Coffee is this thing that I never get tired of. And three? Um...Gillian Welch and David Rawlings on Fresh Air. Now that's show was just fuckin' great.

(farmboy looks at the clock) Hey, man, I should probably get going. I need to stop at the store and then go sit with the dog for awhile.

You love dogs, right?

I trust dogs more than I do people,, to be honest. As long as it's a friendly dog.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Emotional constipation

So this morning I didn't smoke weed and I walked and played guitar.

Feel better than yesterday, farmboy?

Yeah. I mean, I don't feel amazing or anything, you know, but I feel a whole fuckin' lot better than yesterday. Yesterday was a bad day, man. I just got fuckin' tense, you know, like everything just kept going wrong. And I kept overreacting.

Anyway, I'm thinking I need to do this thing but I think it might be good if I turn my focus on other things for a little while.

Such as...

Well, hopefully songwriting. That would be nice.

Yes, I could see that.

I would love to write a good song, a keeper. I'm actually kinda dependent on writing songs. If I go for too long without writing something I feel really awful. It's like emotional constipation or something.

Well, that's certainly a novel way of putting it.

Have I said that before? That's actually my own original theory, thank you very fuckin' much, man.

I guess what I'm really saying here is that writing songs is the way that I seem to process things...

Which you've said before.

I have? Good. 'Cause, really, that's important. Important to my egotistical self-centered view of myself.

It is important, though. It's the lens in which you see through.

"In which you see through." Is that grammatically correct?

(laughs) Sometimes you get obsessed with words, farmboy.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Oh no, not at all. That's probably one of the factors in you becoming a lyricist.

Maybe. I mean, I'm obsessed with melody and rhythm, too. It's a great way to go through life, man. Seriously. I'm blessed, you know?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Working towards moderation

So today I totally blew it. Day number two and I'm already a fuckin' failure, man. Pisses me off. I am such a loser. I mean, if I had brains...

Okay, what would your counselor say?


He'd probably say okay, you feel bad. Notice it, notice how it made you feel, then move on.

Move on? I am not good at moving on.

I've noticed.

Now, what's that supposed to mean?

Okay, look at things, farmboy. How can you prevent this from happening again?

There's got to be an answer for this. I just can't think of what it might be.

I can go back to sleep. What I did, I slept for a few hours and it was dark and wet outside and I just lost my fuckin' willpower. So I just smoked weed and totally disregarded my plan. Which, of course, makes me feel guilty and shameful and it's like it opens me up to all sorts of worrying type stuff.

So next time you go back to sleep instead of getting up and smoking weed.

Yeah. I mean, I don't want to quit marijuana forever. I just want to show some fuckin' moderation about it.

I understand. So right now you're learning how to do it. And if you find it's too hard, you can always quit completely.



Well, I'm working towards moderation. But, you know, if I have to...

Maybe it won't come to that. Let's see how you do tomorrow. Forget about today's mistakes.

I need to remember that quote you told me about, about starting out the day with a spirit too high to be stopped by yesterday's nonsense. I'm paraphrasing here, of course.

I know what you're talking about. The Ralph Waldo Emerson quote. It's on my refrigerator.

I suggest you read it these days, farmboy.

Good idea. But I've actually memorized it:

Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as
you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with
too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Pretty great quote, farmboy.

You ain't kidding, man.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Today's adventure

Hey, there he is! How did the new routine go?

Very instructive. I hate learning lessons sometimes.

What did you learn? You went walking, right? And playing guitar, getting out of your apartment?

Oh, it went fine. Really.

What I learned is that nothing's ever good enough for me -- I mean, my own work and stuff. I went walking, I got out of breath but I still went on. But then I get concerned because it's not enough, you know. I just can't satisfy myself.

So then I played guitar, which was also good, but I made sure I played a certain amount 'cause, God knows, if I only played a couple of tunes it wouldn't fuckin' count. I demand perfection and I want it now! And whatever I'm doing, it sure can't be fun. It's like it doesn't count unless it's drudgery.

That sucks.

Yes, it does.

But you did it. That's the important thing.

Yeah, that's right. And I will realize that at some point. And I will keep doing this.

I'm working on these strategies, you know. I need to think about what's going on right now. I think if I don't worry about the future constantly, then all hell's gonna break loose. And you need to think about the future. I realize that. But, damn...

You do the best you can with what you have, farmboy.

Yeah, that's what my counselor says. But, you know, I have this stupid obsessive streak. I have to overthink everything, I can't let go of stuff. But, you know,, this stress that I'm under all the fuckin' time, man, it's gonna kill me. It's already taking a toll.

So when I get like this about worry, I'm supposed to stop and be aware of it and then center myself. So now I need to define "center" in my own words...

Which are?

Um...take a deep breath. Take more than one deep breaths. Calm down. Look at where you're at, be in the fuckin' here and now. I feel like Baba Ram Dass.

"Be Here Now."

Yeah. I've never read that, but I actually used to hear his talks on the Pacifica station after midnight when I was a teenager, a young man. They used to play all kinds of things then. There was a show by this guy named Roy of Hollywood. He's still around, by the way. I heard him the last time I was in California.

Anyway, that is today's adventure. Tomorrow I do the same thing, and the day after that and so on and so forth.

Until it becomes a habit.

Exactly. Then it'll be time to go back to work and I'll have to figure something else out.

You're in the future farmboy. Time to center yourself.

I know. So here I am, talking with you. I walked and I played guitar. I bought groceries, I did a lot of computer stuff -- you know, correspondence type of stuff, emails, that type of thing, stuff that needs doing. I called the children's center at the hospital and set up a couple of times for me to go inn and play music for the grant. (laughs) I washed dishes.

Good for you, farmboy. Keep at it. I'm proud of you.

Thanks. That helps.

I'm doing that until you can feel some satisfaction in what you're doing with these processes.


Exercising, eating well, playing music, seeing people, getting rid of stress. Those are all processes, farmboy.

Well, then, I did well, right?

What do you think?

I'm a little wobbly. But...yeah, I did what I needed to do. I'm fighting back commenting about tomorrow, though, like you wouldn't believe. 'Cause I need to focus on...


Yeah. And today, man, I did a good job.

You did, farmboy.


Sunday, July 17, 2011

In the foreseeable future

Hey, man, I'm sorry. I'm always such a fuckin' downer.

Hold up, farmboy. What's up?

I'm just not feeling well physically, that's all. My stomach is doing its ulcer-like activities and I have this sort-of heaviness in the middle of my chest, and I think I'll be okay from this, you know? I'm getting this stuff a lot more recently. I'll go to the doctor if I need to, so, like, no worries.

You know, farmboy, your life has been extremely stressful since March. And then with all this stuff about the job and the never ending problems with money, well...It's no wonder your stomach's hurting.

I know. I gotta find some way to learn how to handle all this stress. I've been eating better, with some stupid exceptions...

Let that go, farmboy. Don't beat yourself up. Please.

Yeah, I know, I'll let it go.

So I've been doing some deep breathing pretty much every day. And starting tomorrow I'm going to wake up and drink some coffee and have breakfast and then go to the park with my guitar. I'm going to take a walk and then play some music outside before I come home.

That sounds great, farmboy.

Thanks. Me and the counselor worked that out. I want to get into the discipline of doing that five days a week. It will be good for me, plus I won't be getting up and smoking weed every single morning.

I figure life is gonna be somewhat challenging in the foreseeable future so I gotta give myself all the advantages I can, like living well physically and mentally, too -- being social, going to see friends, you know. Not fuckin' isolating myself.

That's a big one.

You ain't kidding, man.

I'm here...

...if I need help. I know. And don't think I don't appreciate it.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Some kind of positive consequence

So I went to the counselor yesterday. This make two times.


I like him and I think that maybe he can help me. He does these really concrete things, like I have "homework" to do. I really don't want to just go in there and complain. I want to come out with some strategies.

Have you told him this, farmboy?

Kind of. I remember saying something about strategies. I think I was responding to something he said. Yeah, I remember saying something about how I wanted strategies.

Some of them can sound kind of corny, like having a list of three blessings a day, you know, three things I feel blessed by having. Like, say...your friendship. Chicken for dinner. Getting to watch the final episode of Breaking Bad, third season. Fuckin' cliffhanger, man.

He's also having me notice when I'm living in the past or the future...

For you, it's mostly future. Wait, maybe not. You do think about how you feel things should gave gone in the past.

Yeah. It's hard to say.

Anyway, then I try to...get back in place, I guess. He calls it centering yourself, which sounds a bit too new-agey for me. But then, as far as New Age goes, I'm pretty much ignorant. Maybe I'm being judgemental about something I know next to nothing about.

I think, culturally speaking, it's not quite your style, farmboy.

(laughs) I didn't even know I was allowed to have a style.

So, anyway, this counseling stuff is turning out to be a pretty positive thing, so far, you know? Man, I'm so fuckin' glad to see that some action I've taken actually has some kind of positive consequence, you know?

This sounds pretty positive, farmboy. I'm proud of you.

Oh yeah? For what?

For taking action.

Thanks, man.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

right outside my window

there's a world out there
right outside my window
I can see it
I know it's there
made up of children and dogs
friends and family
and I could be among them
if I dare
but my fate is different
and my life is alone
and I have all I need
at home
I don't need to see you
I don't need to touch you
I don't need to listen
and I don't need to talk
I stay in my apartment
where everything's safe
with the blinds fully drawn
and the front door always locked
where no one can touch me
and no one can harm me
and no one can hurt me
but myself

and I can't explain it
I don't know what I can do
maybe it's my DNA
perhaps that's where it begins
all I know is I can't help it
maybe it's my penance
for all of my transgressions
and my measly mortal sins
somehow I turned out different
from all of you out there
I could rail at the heavens
and scream how it's not fair

but I don't see that working
I cannot take a chance
all I hear is silence
and the ticking of the clock
I stay in my apartment
and everything's safe
with the blinds fully drawn
and the front door locked
where no one can touch me
and no one can harm me
and no one can hurt me
but myself

there's a world out there
right outside my window
and I could be in it
if I knew just what to do
and in my desperation
I wander through the quiet
feeling like a child
wanting to be you
thinking maybe you could teach me
thinking maybe I could learn
but those feelings overtake me
and they always return
I'm crying out to you
reaching out to you
maybe your door is open
but I'm too afraid to knock
so I stay in my apartment
where everything's safe
with the blinds fully drawn
and the front door always locked
where no one can touch me
and no one can harm me
and no one can hurt me
but myself
and no one can hurt me
but myself
and no one can hurt me...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

To prove myself to myself

Oh, man, I'm supposed to go to this songwriters' circle tonight at a friend's house. I even RSVPed and made a commitment. And now I don't fuckin' wanna go. What do I do?


Go? But I don't want to.

Yeah? Well, you haven't been out all day. Where is this place. farmboy?

Like, a mile and a half, maybe.

Go. You've been isolating yourself way too much. It will do you good.

And how's that, Mr. Interview sir?

You will have proved to yourself that you're open for at least a little adventure. You'll see people, you'll play music, you'll get out of the house, you will have made good on your commitment. When you get home you can smoke some of your special stuff and you'll feel good about yourself.

Okay, okay, I'll fuckin' go. Jeez.

I knew you'd have it in you, farmboy.

Yeah, yeah. The things I do, the lengths I go through to prove myself to myself.

Come on, farmboy. It's music. It'll be fun.

If you say so.

It's not about me, it's about you. Now go get ready, my friend.

Okay. But if it's traumatic, I'm blaming you, man.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

in my resting place

nothing has gone
the way it should go
I turned left every time
I should have gone right
this life of mine
the only one that I know
disappears fast
into my vision's last sight
I look for the light
they said I would see
but there's no candle flame
guiding me

I never thought
that I'd turn out like this
a heart once so full
filled with emptiness
it's just the way
life ends up I guess
peace comfort me
in my resting place
peace comfort me
in my resting place

where is the love
I always heard of in my youth
I waited for her
to walk through my door
why are there lies
when all I needed was truth
I'm too scared
to even move any more

I never thought
that I'd turn out like this
I think about Jesus
betrayed by a kiss
it's just the way
this world turns I guess

peace comfort me
in my resting place
peace comfort me
in my resting place

I knew my place
I stayed in the station
I knew since the day of my birth
and everything
I thought was salvation
my mind tells me now
it was absent from worth

but my heart remains open
and my soul still believes
I have not lived my life
in vain
the hope of my youth
are now a reason to grieve
I've tried to kill it
but it always remains

I never thought
that I'd turn out like this
still thinking it matters
that I even exist
it's just the way
this world turns I guess

peace comfort me
in my resting place
peace comfort me
in my resting place

Well, that's certainly depressing.

Ain't it, though. I really tried to make it happier, but it was like forcing an ending that didn't really belong. I'm not sure about this ending either.

But you gotta understand that when I'm writing I'm just trying to get it on the paper or the computer as quickly as I possibly can. See, I had this journalism teacher in college who would say to us "A good story is not written it is rewritten and rewritten and rewritten...

So you're working with your subconscious... get the...raw materials...for the song...

Like a sculptor finds the piece of marble and inspires the work. Or a woodworker finds a piece of wood that he thinks he might be able to turn into something beautiful and maybe even functional.
I don't know, man. I'm not good at any other art form except writing songs. And, when it comes down to it, that's all I really want to be good at. That's all that really fuckin' matters.

Not that I'm saying I'm any good.

You've got something of your own you believe in. You're already at least halfway there, farmboy.

Yeah. I hope I get there someday. Wherever there is.

Enjoy the journey, farmboy. Remember, there are no guarantees.

I do enjoy it sometimes. But sometimes I need a fuckin' rest stop, man.

So rest. And then move on.

I will. I always do, really.