Thursday, July 31, 2014

gotta get movin'

gotta get movin'
can't stand still 
gotta keep improving
my own free will
little engine huffs and puffs
all the way up the hill
me, I want to lie in bed all day

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

sweet nothings

don't whisper sweet nothings in my ear
unless they mean something to me
those are phrases I've learned to fear
'cause they bring me to my knees 
crying "baby let me hold you
let me be your lover man
forget what your girlfriends told you
darlin', I know that I can

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

stupidly sensitive

stupidly sensitive
that's what I am
feeling too much
for my own damn good

Monday, July 28, 2014

never helped me none

Hey, man, how are you?

I'm fine, I'm good. How are you, farmboy? Did you get everything accomplished today that you wanted to?

I got some of it accomplished. Not everything. But I'm not beating myself up about it because I did some stuff, you know? And all that fuckin' shame and guilt stuff, that never helped me none anyway.

I'm glad to be hearing you say that. You're the crown prince of shame and guilt, farmboy.

Don't I fuckin' know it. We'll just have to see how this all works out, won't we?

Sunday, July 27, 2014

I'm getting there. It better be worth the trip.

I got so much to do and that might be a good thing. I got CDs to assemble, phone calls to make, emails to send, gigs to try to get. I need to make a website and I need to clean up this apartment. I need to eat more fruits and vegetables and I need to buy a watermelon. I like watermelon. I gotta start walking every day, seriously. I need to get my fuckin' life in order, man.

You don't ask for much, do you, farmboy?

Only perfection. That's the only way I'm going to become somebody other than farmboy.

Or maybe you'll get closer to being the real farmboy.

Could be. I've thought of that. I think that's what keeps me going sometimes.

And how's that working out for you?

I'm getting there. It better be worth the trip. That's the name of a book, I know, but I never read it and I don't know who the author is.

You sound like Dr. Phil, by the way, man.

That's a little disconcerting. You know, he's not even a real doctor.

Really? What about Dr. Oz?

You know, I don't even think I've ever watched him.

Me neither. But I've heard the name.

Obviously, since you asked me about him.

Yeah? Well, buck you, fuddy.

So let me know how it goes tomorrow. I'd be interested to see how successful the day is. And I hope it's successful, farmboy.

Me, too. I need more successes. Especially those things that are actions that I have control over. Or something like that.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

everything will be okay

I got whiskey 
and I got weed
I got damn near
everything I need
I got my girl and
she's got me
I'm half of
the proper noun "we"
I'm heaven blessed
what can I say
everything will be okay
everything will be okay

Friday, July 25, 2014

step W

one foot 
in front of the other
in  math
one is followed by two
but I don't like
step A to step B
no, I want to go 
to step W
I don't like 
this doing the work
I just want praise
and awards
and I don't like this
looking for treasure
no, all I want
is the reward

so I look for short cuts
an easy way out
that's what my life's
been all about
I'm looking for something
I don't have a clue
but I know it's there 
at step W

some misguided people
they tell me I'm lazy
they say I lack ambition
they say I'm just crazy
but I don't see why
I should waste my time
when I know fame and fortune
should just be mine

I don't understand
why my life is so hard
why everyday problems
always catch me off guard
don't try to instruct me
I know what to do
and I know it's all there 
at step W

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Nobody can touch those memories

I'm depressed.


I'm not sure. I'm out of weed, for one thing, but I think it would do me some good to not smoke it for a few days. I'm worried about money. I'm isolating myself. I'm just fuckin' depressed, man.

So, farmboy, that doesn't mean that the afterglow of Saturday's CD release concert has faded, does it?

No. Nobody can touch those memories. I can't say a bad word about Saturday night, either. It wasn't a letdown at all. I am just fuckin' grateful that it happened.

Anyway, the depression will fade in time. I'm not terribly worried about it. I just don't feel like doing a fuckin' thing. And, thankfully, I don't have to. So I'm okay, you know?

Good. I'm glad to hear that.

You and me both, brother.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

I just gave up

Man, what a fuckin' day. I got an email this morning telling me I had a gig -- a paying gig -- that I completely forgot about. So, anyway, I fuckin' missed it and it's my fault and I take full responsibility. I got so fuckin' depressed, man, I just gave up. At least I didn't buy fast food or sugar-laden foods or anything fun. Well, okay, I did buy that load of multigrain French bread. At least it was on sale.

Is there any chance of making up the gig, farmboy?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure there is. But the point is that I fucked up and you know I can't take that lightly.

You have got to learn to forgive yourself, farmboy. 

I know, man. I need to do so many things…

Just do them one at a time. You know, that's really all you can do. What's done is done. Learn and move on. 

It just seems like I just make more and more mistakes.

Let it go, farmboy. Move on. It doesn't sound like there was too much damage. You'll be all right.

I know. Got to move on. But, man, that's the hardest thing, you know?

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

lullaby (bridge)

put away
what you don't need
put them in your backpack
hand them to me
I will keep 
you company
until the pain subsides

Monday, July 21, 2014


don't worry
close your eyes
pretend I'm
a lullaby
that will put your mind
to a peaceful rest
you have done
your very best
now sleep
I will keep
you safe 
from yourself

don't think
just be quiet
no questions
just try it
silence all
the voices competing
your heart's still beating
just stay
it's okay
you're safe
from yourself

Sunday, July 20, 2014

"See? I'm your witness"

Man, I am so fuckin' exhausted. I'm just totally thrashed from last night.

The big concert! The CD release! So, tell me, how was it? Did you have fun?

It was a-fuckin'-mazing, man. It was just a fuckin' panic leading up to the show, but that's over with now. The concert was so well-attended. I am very loved, seriously. 

I could have told you that, farmboy.

Yeah, but I have a hard time with it. I just can't accept it. I mean, if I were to see me, I'd run the other way, you know?

I know.

But there's this, like, inner farmboy that stands back and observes and goes "See? I'm your witness. This happened, and I'm remembering everything that I can. I'm keeping this experience for you. So you can pull it out and say 'I've got proof.'"

That's a good experience that you had, farmboy. Not just the concert, but your "inner farmboy" keeping your memories. Too bad you can't bottle that up and sell it.

Oh, man, I would be so fuckin' rich.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Panic is my default setting

Tomorrow's the show, man! And I still have all this fuckin' stuff to do. What am I gonna do?


Oh, yeah…I guess that's what I do, don't I? Panic is my default setting.

You got it, farmboy,

So let's move beyond being in panic. Can you finish what you need to finish by show time?


Do you know your songs? Are you happy with them?

I guess I am, yeah.

Will there be an audience?

I heard there are lots of reservations…

So what's there to be panicked about?




Just remember to have a good time tomorrow.

I will, man.

But first I must panic about something…

Thursday, July 17, 2014

born nervous

I was born nervous
naked and afraid
already feeling bad
'bout mistakes I have made
like that time in the womb
screaming "Hey! I want out!"
to the magic of childbirth
now, what was that all about?
so now that I'm here
can you let me back in?
I was born nervous
guess I just can't win

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

fall asleep softly

I want to lie on the grass
on a late summer afternoon
and fall asleep softly

I want to dream
that I'm some place
I have never been

I want to wake
and feel hopeful
under the July moon

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

The moon and stars and all that fuckin' shit

So here's an idea for a song. It's a love song.

Really, farmboy? You don't write many of those.

Well, it's not written yet. I just have this idea.

That's unusual. You usually don't talk about your ideas. 

That's because once you talk about songs before you write them you've already expressed everything you need to express. So that's why I don't talk about them.

But this one...

This song is a love song, see, and it's gonna be really fuckin' sweet and nice until the hook.

Which is...?

Wait just a minute, man. See, in the song I sing all about how much I love this girl, how she means so much to me, the moon and stars and all that fuckin' shit, and then every verse ends with...

I can't wait! What is it?

"I would kill for you." And then every verse would just get gorier and gorier and, you know, heads would be blown up and limbs flying everywhere and lots and lots of guns and blood. I just want it to get more and more violent. I want to be the Quintin Tarentino of folk music.

So what do you think, man?

You want the truth, farmboy?

Of course.

I can see why you're talking about it.

That's what I thought you'd say. You need to support the arts more, man.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Art is your fate. Don't debate.

So I just took the master CD down to the duplication place to get, well, duplicated. Man, I'm fuckin' shaking, I'm so nervous.

First, farmboy, congratulations! Now, why are you so nervous?

I can hardly believe that I've done this, and I'm taking so many chances -- financial, artistic, and…well, now everybody can judge me.

They judged you before, farmboy, and they liked your music.

I know, but this one…It's like there's the good news and the bad news…

Okay, what are they?

The good news is that the CD sounds like me.

And what's the bad news?

The bad news is that the CD sounds like me.

Which is what people want, farmboy. They like you, they like your music, you'll be fine.

Man, I hope so. This recording stuff -- this is me at my most vulnerable.

You're sharing personal parts of yourself, farmboy. Of course you feel vulnerable. That's what makes you an artist.

Is that what I am? An artist.

You got it.

I got a fortune cookie once in Tehachapi, California. It said "Art is your fate. Don't debate."

That fortune cookie was right.

Oh, man. Now you tell me.

This whole thing…it's like it just happened, like it was meant to. I haven't been questioning it much lately. It's likes something or someone has been guiding me. I've just been going on instinct lately.

You have good instincts, farmboy. I think you just need to trust what's happening, what's guiding you.

Well, that's what I'm fuckin' doing, man. It's too late to turn back now.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

I don't want

I don't want to live in fear anymore
I don't want to hang my head in shame
I don't want to have to ignore
the calling of my own name
I'll take responsibility
my share of the blame
but I don't want to live like this anymore

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Talk about the weather

Hey, man, how's life?

Life is fine, farmboy, maybe a little hotter than I like.

Me, too. I've seen worse, though. I mean, when I lived in Austin, Texas.

I bet. Not as bad as Houston, though.

Yeah, Houston, man, it's so fuckin' hot and muggy there. It's a lot closer to the Gulf of Mexico than Austin is. Still, when there's a hurricane or something, it still affects Austin.

Look at us, man. Here we are, two people with rich interior lives, and what do we talk about?

We talk about the weather!

That's an R.E.M. song, by the way. "Talk About the Weather." From, like, the early days. I think it's on that album with "So. Central Rain." Reckoning.  Great stuff, man. From their days in Athens, Georgia.

Now, there it's humid.

You better believe it. I guess. I've never been to Georgia. Maybe that's the reason that Peter Buck lives in Portland, Oregon now.

Friday, July 11, 2014

afraid of summer

afraid of summer:
that's what I am
when the temperature rises
and I'm reduced
to a big glob of molten lava
oozing out of this big ol' world

all I really want
is a gallon of iced tea
and a ton of air conditioning
with a TV blasting
reruns of Seinfeld

I am soft
and I am spoiled
by this modern age
and my own love
for unreasonable comfort

Thursday, July 10, 2014

glen's song

is so uncertain
trouble waits 
around the bend
I'm looking at 
the final curtain
as it takes 
my childhood friend
blessed saviour 
please be with him
let your love 
heal and cure
he made my life 
a lot less lonely
that's one thing 
I know for sure

on this summer night
my heart is breaking
from the newsI feared 
one day would come
my solid ground 
has started shaking
with a light 
too bright
from the July sun
blessed saviour 
please be with him
let your love 
heal and cure
he has made my life 
a lot less lonely
that's one thing 
I know for sure

I remember everything
about you
in memories I
can't quite look at now
living on this earth 
without you
is more than my poor heart
can allow
blessed saviour 
please be with him
let your love 
heal and cure
he has made my life 
a lot less lonely
that's one thing 
I know for sure
he has made my life 
a lot less lonely
that's one thing 
I know for sure

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

I just feel like being sad

Hey, I'm back at home for a couple days until it gets super hot again. I don't want to wear out my welcome, you know, plus they're busy with moving and regular life and such. I'm sure it would have been all right to stay but I thought this is probably best.

How it everything going, farmboy? Did it help to get away for a night?

Yeah, it was great to be around people…

That's something you normally don't say.

I know. I've just been way too fuckin' isolated here in this apartment. I'll be fine, but going away and seeing my niece and my brother and sister-in-law is what I needed. It breaks my heart that they're leaving, but I don't want it to show around them, because I'm sure they're having all sorts of thoughts about moving to Yakima.

Well, at least they'll be living in a state where marijuana is legal.

Don't I know it. And don't they know it, too.

So it's been tough, and there's all these things to do with the CD, things that have to be done. And that's okay. I just feel like being sad and sleeping all day, and that's not healthy, I'm sure.

Some of that is fine though, farmboy. You are grieving, you know.

I'm doing some of it. But I don't want to overdo it, because I know that I can. I just feel so fuckin' sad, you know.

I know.

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm grieving, and that now may not be a good time to take everything else on, which is something I do. And then I get into a state of intense panic and anxiety and…well,that's no fuckin' good, you know?

So I'm okay. No need to worry about me, man. I'll be fine.

I know you will, farmboy. I have no doubts.

I know I will, too. It just takes time, I guess.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Such a sweetheart

Hey, man.

farmboy! I'm glad you called. I've been thinking about you. How did last night go?

Okay, I guess. It was a little hard because my mind kept fuckin' moving so much. From one thing to another. It was like I was only one half step away from pure panic all night long. Plus, it's hot, and my apartment seems to trap the heat inside at night.

So today's a new day, as people say. I've already played today; I performed for a group of kids with disabilities. There was this one girl. She had one of the most extreme -- I hate to use that word, 'cause it sounds so negative -- um, devices I've ever seen to help her with her arms. Which doesn't mean anything, of course, because you know that they're there for a very good reason. I've worked with people with disabilities to know that they don't put on things like that unless there's a very good reason.

Anyway, here she is, she's wearing this stuff, and I go to talk to her and play guitar. And she gets the most radiant smile of her face. She's feeling so much joy, because of music and the social aspect of it that's going on. And I just wanted to tell you that, because I feel so privileged to be a part of that joy.

Excellent, farmboy. I'm glad you notice when joy is present.

I'm glad, too. She made my day. Such a sweetheart.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to spend a couple of days at my brother's place. I won't be able to do that too much longer because they're moving to Yakima, Washington. And that's got its whole set of emotions, but I can't get into that right now because I've got to get on the road.

Listen, farmboy, you take care of yourself, hear? Call if you need to talk.

I will, man. Thanks for everything.

Monday, July 7, 2014

I don't know what to say

Man, I don't know what to say.

What's up, farmboy?

My friend -- I've known him since kindergarten -- ummm, he passed away on Saturday.

Oh my God, farmboy. I'm so sorry.

I'm in fuckin' shock, man. I don't know what to say.

You don't have to say anything, farmboy. I just want you to know that, you know, you can always talk to me…

Thanks, man. I'm sure I will.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

love like a freight train

love like a freight train
nearly ran me over today
love like a freight train
nearly ran me over today
but I'm a strong, strong man
and I pushed it out of the way

Saturday, July 5, 2014

the life I should have lived

there's a old hound dog 
sleeping in the shade
he's with those kids on the sidewalk
selling their mama's lemonade
on a lazy afternoon
with no reason to be afraid
that's the life I should have lived

there's two young people
a woman and a man
walking by the river
deep in love
holding hands
looking at their future
making lots of plans
that's the life I should have lived

Friday, July 4, 2014

don't let me read the comments

oh God please help me
when I read online
I mean, the photos are good
and the journalism is fine
sources are named
and the information's well timed
just please
don't let me read the comments

I know it's just my opinion
but I'll say it anyway
there's a whole lot of assholes
in this world today
and each and every one
must have his or her say
just don't let me read the comments

Thursday, July 3, 2014

It takes a whole lot of stuff to move your little toe

Man, this recording thing, it presses every button of insecurity I have in my body and mind. It's so…I'm so fuckin' vulnerable. It's fuckin' awful. Every fuckin' note and rhythm is second-guessed. It's all under a microscope. I question everything I do musically, which is not what I do when I write. 

What do you mean, farmboy?

I guess I mean that when I write, I act on instinct a lot. Sure, I push it, but just a little. I pay attention to my subconscious when I write, or, rather, I listen to my subconscious. I respect it. I don't know how it does what it does, but I take it seriously. There's this book by this smart dude, this scientist named David Eagleman, and he knows all about the stuff that goes on in your mind. You know, like how it takes a whole lot of stuff to move your little toe…

It's amazing when you think about it, farmboy. Our brains, our muscles, our bodies…there's a lot of little miracles that go into how we do what we do.

Fuckin' A, man. I'm so fuckin' amazed that I can play guitar, that my fingers know what strings to go to and what chords to make and how to play them. It's fuckin' astounding, man.

Now if we human beings would just use our powers for good, you know…

Some do. A lot of people do. You just don't see much of it because a lot of good is done privately, every day. It's not going to be written about.

Yeah, somebody should write about that kind of stuff.

Maybe that's your job, farmboy.

Yeah, yeah. One of many, man.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

I'll walk away

it's okay
it really is
if you don't like me
join the list
of people who believe that
I should be someone else
it's okay
you don't owe me 
any explanation
I'm used to the 
of the people in my life
for whom I care
so hey
it's okay
I'll walk away

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

I am two people

when you and me became "we"
I somehow forgot to tell you
I am two people
one is that nice guy you see
and he'd never tell you
that I am two people
that other fella, 
now he's a piece of work
he's an abscessed tooth
disguised as a jerk
one day with him and
you'd go berserk
it's true
I am two 
I am two