Thursday, December 31, 2015
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
I am a box marked fragile
I am arriving at your door
I am waiting to be opened
it is cold and it is raining
I don't mean to be complaining
but this is not what I was hoping
I am a box marked fragile
that contains too many memories
so many you can't count
I won't need them anymore
if you open up your door
could you help me throw them out
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
everywhere I go I see their faces
every face is lined in fear and pain
I see them paying for their groceries
running to the bus stop in the rain
there's a price you pay when you're the one who's asking
there's a price you pay to the company store
there's a price you pay by giving up your dignity
these days it's expensive to be poor
Monday, December 28, 2015
it's that part of the movie
where all is pain and sorrow
till someone magically knocks
on your door
someone here to save the day
wipe all the tears away
and make everything better
but that knock never comes
and the phone doesn't ring
and help is nowhere to be found
at some point you'll have enough
and get your fool ass up
but right now you can't make it off the floor
Sunday, December 27, 2015
my life is a trigger warning
everything makes me sad
everything ends up causing me bad luck
sad songs start the tears to form
an emotional launching pad
because I'm sensitive as fuck
I am not sentimental
I don't cry at weddings and such
no, all my pain is transendental
and can spring into life
at a single human touch
my life is a trigger warning
almost any measley thing
is way too much
So I said I'd call.
Feeling any better, farmboy?
No. I'm just a fuckin' schizoid case. Crying on and off all fuckin' day, man. I'm a fuckin' faucet. It's a Christmas tradition, it seems, but it always takes me by surprise.
farmboy, I'm concerned.
If I knew what to do I'd do it, believe me. But I don't know what to do. Thanks for your concern -- and I mean that sincerely -- but right now I need some real solutions. 'Cause I'm drowning out here, man, and nobody can hear me.
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Are you okay, farmboy? I've been worried about you. A lot.
I'm here. And I'm at home. And, right now, that's all that matters. It was the worst fuckin' time ever, man. It was confusing and I thought a lot about suicide. But I just got back and I just want to get warm and smoke weed.
So I hope you don't mind. I'll call you tomorrow.
Sure, farmboy. But are you...
I'm home. Right now, that's what I need.
Friday, December 25, 2015
Hey, Merry Christmas.
You sound down, farmboy. Is everything okay?
I don't know what to say, man. Christmas always ends up being sad and confusing. It's like my annual day of depression. Funny thing is, every year I look forward to it -- I mean, I love Christmas but...
What exactly happened, farmboy? I mean, this Christmas.
This is what happens every Christmas morning. I don't really have a family -- I mean, I'm not married and I don't have kids so Christmas morning consists of sitting in a room with a family, like this year is my brother's family, and I sit and watch them all open a ton of gifts.
I need to stress here that this isn't about my brother and his family. It's about a day where I feel I don't belong, like the universe is showing me my real place in the world.
Which is I'm alone and unwanted and unneeded. You know, if I was a little kid and believed in Santa Claus I'd think, well, I was a bad boy and I'm being punished for...for I don't know what.
I mean, I try to be a good person. I work with people with disabilities. I play music for children. I'm not perfect but I really do try to be nice and helpful and a decent human being. But every Christmas morning I get to find out how incredibly alone I am, how separate I am from everybody else.
And then I feel guilty 'cause I'm such a fuckin' selfish asshole and I need to suck everything up. I have to pretend it's all tinsel and peace on earth while inside a mental health storm is brewing.
What do you mean, farmboy? What's this about a "mental health storm?"
You know, I have problems crying, so there's no fuckin' relief from any of this. If I force myself, I can cry a little, but not much. So instead I want to do destructive things and I want to do them to myself. I want to be violent.
I want to hit myself, hard in the head. I want to bang it against walls and I want to do lasting damage. And maybe I have. When I get like this sometimes I will punch myself in the head, on my skull, as hard as I possibly can. I have banged my head against walls.
And then at some point I start thinking about suicide. I start thinking about how my life is completely hopeless and I might be saving myself a whole lot of pain by, you know, jumping off the cliff or taking a lot of poison or just slitting my wrists.
Of course, everyone is oblivious to all this happening, which is good. I don't want to ruin Christmas for anyone else. But inside I'm a fuckin' emotional mess who feels unloved and unwanted and I know it doesn't matter. I don't matter. The older I get the more I realize how inconsequential I really am, more than most people, really. I've spent most of my life creating songs that nobody will hear. I work at a job that is ruining whatever mental health I have, where I'm disrespected. I fuckin' hate my job, but I can't quit. I'm fuckin' stuck. My music is just ignored and, truthfully, I'm ignored unless somebody wants something out of me.
So here I am, miles away from home and marijuana and bad food and all the other things that I self-medicate with because my life is too fuckin' painful to experience like other people. I don't know what I did to deserve this. It's like, I'm a human being too and why can't I have Christmas like other people?
I'm sorry, man. I shouldn't be telling you all this. I should get off the phone...
No, farmboy, I want to know more.
I don't know what to say, man. There's not much left to say but merry Christmas to me, another Christmas of sadness and depression and forced tears.
I'm sure I deserve this. I've only had miserable, depressing Christmases for the past twenty years or so.
I'm so sorry you feel like this, farmboy. I wish there was some way to help you feel better.
You gotta understand, man, I am fuckin' hopeless. I'm just a fuck-up with no living parents and a history of failure. I keep hoping, but that has to stop. No more hope. Hope is too fuckin' painful.
I'm worried about you, farmboy.
Well, don't. I'm not worth it. Over twenty years of bad Christmases...I need to learn my lesson, for once and for all. I don't fuckin' matter. I must be evil or something, I don't know.
What I intend to do is take some of this anti-anxiety medication that my doctor gave to me. Might as well be doped up all day. You know, fuck me, that's all I can say.
I should have been drowned when I was born.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
So it's Christmas eve.
Yes it is, farmboy.
I still got presents to wrap, but I'm not doing bad.
Why would you be doing bad?
Well, it's the day before Christmas and I'm sure tons of people are all stressed out. I mean, my nine-year-old niece just told me that she wasn't ready for Christmas yet. Me, I'm trying to just take things as they come.
Which is probably the best way to it, especially if you're away from home and it's Christmas eve.
Yeah, it's too fuckin' late to do much by this time. But, you know, all the presents have been bought, I'm here in the bustling burg of Yakima, and there's snow on the ground. So I'm all set. How 'bout you, man?
Oh, I'm all set, everything's done except for me to make my famous hot toddies, which I'm going to tonight. I got some really good rum.
Man, that sounds amazing. You're gonna have a great night, which is what I'm gonna have.
Have fun, man. Hey, it's Christmas eve!
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Hey, man, guess where I'm calling from!
Let me see...Christmas is in two days and you're not in Portland. It's a wild guess, but are you with your brother and his family in Yakima?
Uh, yeah. How did you know?
You told me a few days ago, farmboy.
So how is it in Yakima?
Well, now that I'm at my brother's place, it's fine. Getting
to Yakima was just a fuckin' mess, but I'll spare you the story because I'm here and it doesn't really matter now.
There's snow here and it's cold and we had a good time watching a Christmas special with Bill Murray.
I like him. Bill Murray is very funny.
Yeah, he is.
Anyway, man, I'm tired and I'm going to go to bed. Catch you later, man.
Good night, farmboy.
Good night, man. Sweet dreams, yo.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Monday, December 21, 2015
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Friday, December 18, 2015
So today's the last day of school before winter break...
Well, it's about time, farmboy.
Tell me about it, man. This has been the longest fuckin' week in the history of the world.
And now it's almost over.
Two hours and it's done. Then I go to the dispensary and buy some weed. And then winter break begins! I can't wait.
It's almost here. farmboy. Hold your horses, cowboy.
"Hold your horses?" "Cowboy?" Where did this come from? Did your parents drop you on a stack of Zane Grey novels?
I'm just saying it's only a couple of hours. You'll just have to be patient.
I hate being patient.
What time do you leave work, farmboy?
Do you know what time it is?
It's 2:30. You only have 45 minutes to go.
Oh my God! It's a Christmas miracle!
But I still have to wait...
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Monday, December 14, 2015
in the frozen dead of winter
I dream about springtime
leaves growing back on the trees
birds in flight
and early morning sunshine
where gray clouds used to be
I remember the calm
after the storm
no longer desperate
just to be warm
a brand new day
waiting to be born
that's where my mind is
icicles and snowflakes
and tires dressed in chains
wheels on freshly plowed roads
I wouldn't mind having
a soft April rain
soaking the mud between my toes
I know exactly
what I'm dreaming of
a million stars shining
still believing the promise
that's what my heart wants
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Friday, December 11, 2015
farmboy, I'm worried about you.
I'm worried about me, too.
What's going on?
I'm having these problems at work. I had some kind of panic attack the other day and everything got turned around, emotionally speaking. I guess...
What do you mean "I guess"?
I mean that it's a self-diagnosis. I did go to the doctor, though, who prescribed an anti-anxiety medication. Clonazepam, which I am very familiar with.
I remember that, farmboy.
Yeah, it's fuckin' great, man.
So what's your next step?
I need to get things figured out on how I'm going to approach the process of getting out of the fuckin' classroom that I've been stuck in this year. But I'm gonna have to try to get out, man. I can't live in panic all the time.
You need to get out of there, farmboy. It's not worth your health.
I can help, you know. I can listen and you can run ideas by me if you feel like it.
Thanks, man. I'm sure I'll take you up on it.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
I wanted to be special
I wanted to stand out
I wanted everyone to see
what I was all about
but I was so, so wrong
and now I'm afraid
that I don't cut the mustard
that I don't make the grade
that I don't measure up
I let the chips fall where they may
and a million and one
bad overused cliches
I always knew that I was special
I was destiny's kid
it was sad when I realized
nobody else did
so I went to find my talent
(everybody has a gift)
but all I found was failure
with a capital f
I lent my ears to music
I tried my hand at poker
but at my best I must confess
I was halfway mediocre
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
So, um, things are not going well. It's like all the pressures at work just kept building up until they just...well, not exploded, really, nothing that dramatic, but everything reached some kind of peak and here I am, taking some time off work and trying to get medications. Today I saw my doctor. That was weird.
I am not doing well, but I am better than you'd think. Well, maybe not what you'd think,, but it's definetly what I think. Or what I would think. Or something.
I'm taking tomorrow off and I'm gonna try to get my mind off all the stress caused by my fuckin' job. I gotta get my mind off this stuff, I tell you. I get fuckin' obsessed. My dad used to tell me I dwelled on things too much.
Anyway, I thought I'd tell you this stuff because...well, man, I needed to talk to somebody and you're the lucky recipient. Thanks for being there, man.
See you later.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Monday, December 7, 2015
Sunday, December 6, 2015
you come home
you call friends
you go out
you get drunk
like a skunk
you pass out
on a stranger's couch
you wake up
you say ouch
my head hurts
and you mutter
how did I get here
in a philosophical tone
how did I get here
I'm supposed to be at home
how did I get here
I just want to be alone
get me outta this place
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Friday, December 4, 2015
(in no particular order)
Light of the Stable by Emmylou Harris
Linus and Lucy by Vince Guaraldi
Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home) by Darlene Love
Happy Xmas (War is Over) by the Plastic Ono Band
Star of Wonder by the Roches
The Christmas Song by Nat "King" Cole
Merry Christmas from the Family by Robert Earl Keen
Fairytale of New York by the Pouges
River by Joni Mitchell
Children, Go Where I Send Thee by Ricky Skaggs