walking each other home (rewrite three)

we are not lost
but we are searching
looking for peace of mind
in these uncertain times
we feel alone
and we are frightened
looking for a sign
is what we hope to find
as we go off into the unknown
we are walking each other home

you doubt yourself
but you are stronger
than you think you are
true as the northern star
you have courage
that will last longer
living inside of you
knowing just what to do
fear is never carved in stone
we are walking each other home

          stay with me
          right where you are
          if we hold on tight
          we will survive

someday 
when this is over
and the world returns to sane
we won't be afraid
someday 
when this is over
and we can touch again
together as friends
and know that we are not alone
we are walking each other home
we are walking each other home

walking each other home (rewrite two)

we are not lost
but we are searching
looking for peace of mind
in uncertain times
we are not alone
but we are frightened
looking for a sign
is what we hope to find
as we go off into the unknown
we are walking each other home

you doubt yourself
but you are stronger
than you think you are
true as the northern star
you have courage
you don't know you have
living inside of you
knowing just what to do
fear is never carved in stone
we are walking each other home

          stay with me
          right where you are
          if we hold on tight
          we will survive

someday 
when this is over
and the world returns to sane
we won't be afraid
someday 
when this is over
and we can touch again
coming together as friends
and know that we are not alone
we are walking each other home
we are walking each other home

I changed my mind

I used to say
my life was useless
I used to say
this is just a waste of time
I used to say
this living life is fruitless
I changed my mind

I used to think
I had no need for people
I used to think
there was no use in being kind
now I realize
all these needs were real
I changed my mind

          I changed my mind
          I look at what I thought
          and I was wrong
          I changed my mind
          now I believe I was wrong
          I was so wrong

I used to need
a vast amount of nothing
I used to need
a reason and a rhyme
now I'm ready
to believe in something
I changed my mind
I changed my mind

peace of mind

I'm looking for my peace of mind
have you seen it?
I swear it was just here a minute ago
I know I haven't been as good an owner that I should be
but, believe me,
my intentions are good

but somehow my peace of mind
has faded away
gone on vacation
leaving me to mourn
the serenity I once had,
if only for a moment

I am confident that it has not gone away
it is only in hiding
waiting for that one moment
when it is needed most

and when that moment comes
I will unclench my fists
I will breathe deeply
and thank God
that my peace of mind
never really left

To do the fuckin' impossible

Fuck this shit.

This goddamn fuckin' world is telling me to do the fuckin' impossible. They've got red tape and. waiting hours and I've got stuff to do and they won't fuckin' let me do this. I'm so fuckin' tired of having to please these impossible people with their forms and applications. I'm so tired of having to take Klonopin every single fuckin' day to put up with these people, 

What the fuck am I supposed to fuckin' do? We on a goddamn quarantine, for God;'s sake, and they want me do to the impossible. What the fuck am I going to do. 

HELP ME.

you have done your best

if I could calm your mind
I would give you quiet
and you can rest your aching head
if there was a way to help
you know I'd try it
but I'll do my best instead
worrying never solved nothing
except putting you to the test
get some rest
you have done your best

Rant

I have been trying to stay at home to do the right thing but, Jesus, there fuckin' idiots keep making me go out on the fuckin' bus to see if I can get prescriptions that they've managed to fuck up, big time. And I'm trying to be patient, but, man, they're just so fuckin' determined to have me get the coronavirus.m Back and forth. And the fuckin' insurance companies! Man, this fuckin' country is in such a fuckin' mess and it's all because of greed. Fuckin' stupid assholes. Especially the Asshole-in-Chief. I don't even want to think of that moitherfuckin' son of a bitch. Stop! Everybody, just fuckin' stop! Leave me the fuck alone! What the fuck is wrong with you people? I'm trying, I'm trying to do the best I can here, just like millions of other people all over the world, but business keeps fuckin' us up. I want to scream: Get it tiger! Do your fuckin' jobs! Quit fuckin' lying to us. Do something instead of fuckin' around with all the political bullshit. Be on our side for once in your greedy little miserable lives. Stop it. Stop making it so hard on your citizens. Be fuckin' human for once in your lives. 

bad, bad day

today has been a bad, bad day
emergencies have come my way
and I don't know what else to say but
please make it stop
today has been one off unrest
I keep trying to do my level best
life has put me to the test
and I am not on top
I'm down at the bottom
where life is hopeless now
trying to move up from here
but I don't know how

Making it through

So how's it going today, man?

Same old same old, as it is in the space and time. Strange days, but I'm making it through. It helps to hear another person's voice. How are you doing, farmboy?

Same here. I'm making it through. I'm figuring things out. I'm not as panic-stricken as I was for a while, but I still have my moments.

I think we all do.

Yeah, I think it's natural. You can't take this lightly, even though I know some people are. I'm taking good care of myself, eating well, sleeping, not getting high all the time. I've been playing a lot of guitar, singing a bunch, writing. Reading, doing crossword puzzles. As you said, we're making it through.

It's been strange and it's been frustrating, but I'm getting more of a handle on things. I'm trying not to get angry at the little shit that fuckin' happens all the time. Like my computer constantly fucks up, stuff like that.

I have been meditating, generally twice a day. And I've been walking, which is a little weird. But it's been beautiful spring days outside. Today's a little overcast, but I still might try to walk some later.

Well, I'm going to let you go. My fuckin' computer is fuckin' up again and I'm losing the connection. I've got to go try to be calm. Have a good day, man, and be safe. Take care.

walking each other home (rewrite one)

we are not lost
but we are searching
looking for peace of mind
in uncertain times
we are not alone
but we are frightened
what we hope to find
will come in time
as we go off into the unknown
we are walking each other home

you doubt yourself
but you are stronger
than you think you are
constant as the northern star
you have courage
you don't know you have
living inside of you
knowing just what to do
fear is not carved in stone
we are walking each other home

          stay with me
          right where you are
          if we hold together
          we will survive

someday 
when this is over
and the world returns to sane
we won't be afraid
someday 
when this is over
and we can touch each other again
family, neighbors, and friends
we are not alone
we are walking each other home

walking each other home

we are not lost
but we are searching
looking for peace of mind
in uncertain times
we are not alone
but we are frightened
what we hope to find
will come in time
as we go off into the unknown
we are walking each other home

someday when this is over
and the world returns to sane
we can be with one another
and we won't be afraid
someday when this is over
and we can touch each other again
we will all be grateful
that we're now closer as friends
we are not along
we are walking each other home

you are doing great

you are doing great
taking one step at a time
I do appreciate
you are a friend of mine
you are doing the best you can
to take things in and understand
and when this is over
I hope that you see
how much of a friend
you are to me

you will make it through
I'm confident that you will
you do what you have to do 
and you'll do it until
you don't have to do this anymore
when life is kind of like it was before
and when this is over
I hope you see
how much of a friend
you are to me

          every day is hard
          you know that is true
          but I am always grateful for
          a friend like you

you are doing great
you're acing every move
with every step you take
that's more that you improve
you are doing the best you know how
not putting it off
you're doing it now
and when this is over
I hope you see
how much of a friend
you are to me

The right things

It's another day on planet Earth and I'm doing the best I can. I just spoke with my therapist; we hooked up over some video thing on my phone. Technology can be amazing.

Was it a good session, farmboy?

It was encouraging. I'm doing the right things. I'm basically in lockdown here, even though it hasn't been called yet. I'm working on ordering food from the grocery store to be delivered so I don't have to go out. My therapist thinks it's really important that I continue to call people so I don't feel so isolated.

I think that's a good idea as well. I know you reconnected with some old friends yesterday. How did that go?

It went great! It was so good to hear their voices. I've been calling up other people as well. I agree with my therapist that it's important. I'm so glad I have people that I can call, friendly voices.

I've got to figure out some way to deal with the fuckin' panic I have inside me. I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to do. I need to learn how to accept that and not worry. But it's hard.

Being in a state of panic isn't going to help you, farmboy.

Believe me, I know. It's wearing. I took a Klonopin last night. I'm trying not to take them very often so I don't have to go to the pharmacy.

This stuff is so fuckin' weird.

I know, right? It's like you said, it's surreal. But you're doing the right things, taking the right precautions. Hang in there, farmboy. One day, this will all be over.

I certainly hope so. I feel like I can't wait, but I know I'm going to have to.

you have to be strong

you have to be strong
I know you can be
you have to be strong
because you belong
to me
I have you within my wildest dreams
I have you deep in my soul
with you I know what love means
with you, I am whole


you have to be strong
you've got it in you
you have to be strong
because you belong 
to me
I keep your image in my mind
because that way I can always see
something I can't leave behind
something that brings love to me

         

you will be okay (rewrite 1}

you will be okay
you just don't know that now
you will make it through
even though you don't know how
I know you're frightened
damn near every day
but there will be a way
you will be okay

you will be all right
even though you can't imagine it
you and friends and family
all of you will manage it
take care of one another
and you will make it through the night
hope is still in sight
you will be all right

you are very strong
your strength knows where to find you
but sometimes you forget
so I'm here to remind you
trouble comes to an end
you wind up where you belong
sometimes right conquers wrong
you are very strong

you will be okay
you will be alright
you are very strong
you are full of might
soon this will be over
and the fear will go away
no matter what you may say
you will be okay
there will be a way
you will be okay

you will be okay

you will be okay
you just don't know that now
you will make it through this
even though you don't know how
I know you're frightened
as you go along your day
but there will be a way
you will be okay

you will be all right
even though you can't imagine it
you and friends and neighbors
you all will manage it
keep contact with each other
and you will make it through the night
hope is still in sight
you will be all right

you are very strong
I know you don't feel like it
but you don't know how strong
so I am here to remind you
trouble eventually ends
you wind up where you belong
prove your fears are wrong
you are very strong

you will be okay
you will be alright
you are very strong
you are full of might
soon this will be over
and the fear will go away
no matter what you say
you will be okay

Watching out for triggers

Oh, man, this is so fuckin' weird.

It sure is, farmboy. How are you doing today?

Tense. I am very thankful, though, that my neighbor offered to buy groceries for me. I took her up on it, since I was going to go out today. Now I don't have to. It's mainly boring but there's this underlying sense of panic. I should probably take a Klonopin at some point today if it doesn't subside.

I've been playing games on the computer, sleeping late, staying informed but also getting away from the news at times. I'm watching out for triggers. I'm kinda keeping everything light, talking to people on the phone, playing guitar, singing. 

This sucks, though.

Yes, it does. But I don't have to tell you how necessary it is.

So why are you telling me?

Funny guy. 

I know all this is necessary, and, really, I'm not complaint much. As I said the other day, this is just so fuckin' surreal. I know this will be over at some point -- or, I hope this will be over at some point. All I can really do is stay away from people.

Which does suck. We need each other.

And we'll find other ways. Everything is so connected now, with phones and computers and whatnot. I can't be so afraid of talking on the phone anymore. We all need to communicate.

Which is what we're doing right now, farmboy. 

I thank God for you. You make life less lonely.

it's dangerous out there

it's dangerous out there
spend the day inside
no talking with the neighbors
no taking the bus for a ride
I need to remember this
when the world goes back to being sane
I took the world for granted
and now it will never be the same

Freaked out big time

Man, this coronavirus thing has me absolutely freaked out big time. This is so fuckin' surreal. It's like one of those TV movies that is totally unbelievable.

How are you dealing with all this, farmboy?

The best I can. How about you?

Same.

I'm practicing self-care. I'm trying to keep my immune system up. I'm going to make soup today -- healthy food. Plenty of sleep. Water. I'm keeping up with the news but there are times where I can't read about it anymore. So I take a break. I'm reading this Ronan Farrow book, Catch and Kill. It's very good and very involving, which is what I need right now.

I'm playing guitar and practicing, and writing, and meditating. I'm getting some exercise, but it's raining today so I may not be able to get out and walk. 

This is all so fuckin' weird.

Tell me about it. I've also never seen anything like this, ever. I'm so glad you're taking care of yourself.

And you? Are you taking care of yourself?

I'm following the same measures you are, farmboy. Making sure that I can be in good health, as much as I can. I'm not going out in big crowds -- in fact, I'm barely going out. It's going to the grocery store and that's about it.

Yeah, I know. I just went to the store a couple of days ago. I got a ride from my brother's mother-in-law. 

Taking the bus right now -- I'm not saying it's bad, but you should really consider limiting trips.

I am limiting trips. I'm staying at home a lot.

That's good. I am, too. Let's keep in touch, help each other through this.

I will do that, Talk to you soon, man.

virus

coronavirirus
keeps on messing with my mind
I am so afraid

everybody's hiding

everybody's hiding from something
and that something's usually the truth
and I've seen some good-for-nothings
bearers of living proof
with lies and deeds
that exploit the needs
of the others that surround them
they take their sin
and apply within
it hurts everyone around them

another day of this life

I don't know what will happen tomorrow
I barely know about today
all I know is that all my sorrows
are going their own way
leaving me alone
allowing me to grow
who I am is a mystery
it is my job to get to know
where I am
what I'm doing
day by day
it's improving
as I was hoping it might
it's just another day of this life
another day of this life

nothing but empty

I want to hide away in bed

covers up over my head

lie down and play dead

that's the only safe place for me

nothing is making me sane

fear is attacking my brain

I'm tired of all of this pain

please say a prayer of grace for me

there is nothing I'm needing more

than going back where I was before

I'm lying and shaking on the floor

and there is no one who can help me

no matter what it is I do

the sadness won't help me through

which is why I've come here to you

I'm nothing but empty

Klonopin

I am afraid
I am alone
I am lost with no direction home
I am anxious
I cannot breathe
and I see there is no way for me tom leave
but I hobble
to my desk
where you know I'm going to fill this last request
please release me
I cannot win
Klonopin

I'm so nervous
but I can fill
my longings with this little pill
it's blue and round
and kinda cute
and it's what I'm wanting in this pursuit
it ain't too strong
it suits me fine
especially when I know it's time
and it's time
now to begin
Klonopin

          when the pain of everyday
          surrounds me
          I know the friend I want to have 
          around me

I can be hopeful
I can have fun
I'm well aware I'm not the only one
it's not perfect
this life I live
and I need a little something to forgive
and I'm thankful
for its existence
especially when I can't go the distance
doctor please
prescribe me once again
Klonopin

So much time to waste

I don't feel bad today. I don't feel good. It's just kind of a little peaceful, it being Saturday and everything. For some reason, I don't feel as much of the dread that I usually feel. And that's good.

That is good. What are you going to do, farmboy?

I want to eat breakfast, but I'm apprehensive about it because I don't want to use up my calorie allotment for the day.

And that will happen if you eat breakfast?

I'm afraid it might. I don't know. I can't figure out how my body works. I go under the calorie count a lot of days but it doesn't seem to make any difference.

Let's talk about something else. This talk is making me hungry.

Okay. What else are you going to do today?

Practice my songs. Walk. Crossword puzzles, word games. Jeopardy! on Netflix. There's not a whole lot, I'm afraid. Which is one of the reasons I'm looking for a fuckin' job, you know? It's terrible when you have so much time to waste, because time is precious. It really is. But I'm doing the best I can.

It's okay to veer a little bit from the schedule, farmboy. You've been very disciplined. Is there anything you can do that's new to you?

I'm sure there is. There's a chance that I may go to the store, or even to my brother's house. But that doesn't usually happen until Sunday, which is just fine with me. I just want to hang around today. Maybe I'll use the coronavirus as an excuse to not be around people. If I go to the store, I'm just going to buy bad food to eat. It's that kind of day.

I should take the trash out, too.

That's work.

I know, but it's necessary.

Are you going to smoke weed?

No, it's too early. I don't smoke until I've completed everything. 

Maybe I'll eat a banana. Maybe I'll give in and make breakfast. Who knows? It's another day of fun and adventure in the life of farmboy.

Jeopardy!

sometimes all I want

is to sit in someone's living room

and watch Jeopardy!

on an old TV

we have lots of time

nobody is leaving soon

the folks I know

we all watch the show

          and we're all comfortable

          with each other

          some are sisters

          some are brothers

          we're having fun

          as you can see

          we're watching Jeopardy!

you are not a child

open your eyes
you don't have to be afraid anymore
they can't hurt you
the way they did before
you're a grownup now
you have your grownup ways
it's not the same
as your younger days
let your wishes and desires
run free and wild
you are not a child

friends and neighbors

I don't want to admit it
but I am so afraid
of what's happening in this world
I thought we had it made
we created arts and sciences
we invented new appliances
but now I know that silence is
the only response I can do
the rest is up to you
friends and neighbors

we're in this together
that's one true fact for sure
and I don't know how much more
of this we can endure
we try to make the best selection
from the goons in this election
what I can tell from my selection
is that there ain't much I can do
without the help of you
friends and neighbors

my place is here with you

I looked in my heart
to see if you were there
and you had deserted me
I was in shock
I was caught unaware
you were nowhere around to see
I always took you for granted
until you disappeared
the seeds of hope I once planted
have blown away
into the atmosphere

          don't leave me
          please believe me
          my place is here with you
          don't desert me
          please don't hurt me
          my place is here with you

love ain't no damn fun

I went looking for quiet 
and some peace of mind
but then I found you
I had no idea
of what I was hoping to find
then you came into view
I knew you were trouble
I knew you were pain
but I knew you
would always remain
so why am I going
through this again
I thought I was all done
'cause love ain't no damn fun

if I could cross over

I have lived a useless life
ask my family
ask my friends
every time I've ever strived
always comes
to a brutal end
please take me away
where I don't have to live
in a world that doesn't 
know how to forgive
give me an answer
I need to know how
if I could cross over
I would cross over
right now

nothing ever changes here
I've been working
I've been praying
but change doesn't come near
all my hope
is decaying
please take me away
from where I only lose
to somewhere where I
have something to choose
tell me the future
that you will allow
if I could cross over
I would cross over
right now

I can't take this anymore
take me now
away from here
I can't be who I was before
it's time for me
to disappear
please take me away
where I am not alone
please take me away
take me home
to the land of hope
and the gospel plow
if I could cross over
I would cross over
right now