Friday, September 30, 2011

I used to drink whiskey

Today's the last day of September.

Does that hold any special meaning for you, farmboy?

Not really. If it did, it would be this year, because today I bought some weed. I loves me some marijuana, man.

I know.

Have you ever tried it?

Yes. And I like it. I tend to go more for wine, though.

See, I wish I liked wine. I wish I knew how to drink, 'cause drinking's got so much going for it. It kinda looks cool sometimes, and I like the idea of passing around a guitar and a bottle of whiskey. But, man, I can't take the fuckin' taste. I like beer once in a while -- preferably Corona, with a wedge of lime, please. And preferably when smoking weed.

As far as I'm concerned, you're just asking for trouble when you drink whiskey.

Maybe for some people. I know people who handle it well, though. I think it depends on who you are. I used to drink whiskey...well, no, I drank tequila. Straight. I once even ate the worm during an all-night jam at the Mill in Santa Paula, California, which used to be a feed store. Now it's a museum. I spent a lot of time in Santa Paula as a young man, you know, 19-20 years old. We were wild. Those were amazing times with amazing friends, amazing musicians.

Speaking of socializing, are you going anywhere tonight?

I'm going to the coffeehouse to hear some friends of mine.

Are you playing?

Me? No. I'm gonna be an audience. It'll be social and fun and it'll have no nerve-wracking anxiety that performing brings. Not that I don't love performing, I do. But it will be fun to have a night where I just see friends and hear music.

What are you going to do tonight, man?

Just stay at home and read.

Wanna come with?

Thanks, but I'm in the middle of a novel that's pretty suspenseful.

What is it?

I've forgotten what the name of the novel is, but it's written by some writer from Sweden.

I've heard of that, but I forget his name too.

I'm reading an autobiography by a musician names Bob Mould. He was in a band called Husker Du. It's a good book. I don't know much about him or the band, but it's really interesting.

Oh, man! I just looked at the clock and it's time for me to get ready to go.

Well, farmboy, have fun seeing your friends.

Thanks. And you have fun reading, okay, man? Catch you later.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Priorities, man

I'm sorta depressed, man.

The job situation, farmboy?

Yeah. It never fuckin' stops, you know.

So what's the news?

There is none. I'm just waiting, just like I did yesterday.

I know sometimes when you're depressed you tend to isolate yourself, farmboy. So I have to ask: Did you go outside your apartment today?

(laughs) I said I would yesterday, which is one of the reasons I went out today. It was interesting.

How so?

Well, I went to the library because some books I had requested came in. Then I went to the coffeehouse, just to see people I know. Anyway, I got introduced to this guy who played guitar. So I asked him if he'd play a song for me. And he was amazing. He played in that Chet Atkins style. Nice guy, too. He's done all these things, you know. He played on A Prairie Home Companion, he's played in Nashville, that kind of stuff.

So of course I'm comparing myself even though what I do is completely different. And so I'm feeling, uh...envious, I think. Or jealous. One of those things. Which is an emotion that I'm very uncomfortable with.

farmboy, you're uncomfortable with a lot of emotions. Maybe all. Except self-loathing, maybe. (pauses) I'm being serious here. I hope you don't mind the observation.

I kinda do, but that's okay. It's true. That's why I mind it.

So, I mean, it was all fine. Like, I asked him questions and asked him to play some more songs. His playing was fuckin' great, man. But inside I felt like a failure.

The only good thing about those situations is I know it's my problem, you know? I know it's my own insecurities coming out. Pisses me off. But I'm aware it was nothing this guy did. It's my problem, you know.

I'm glad you know that, farmboy.

Thanks. I'm glad I know that, too.

So it's over now. And what did I learn? Well, in this weird roundabout way, I went back to what I thought a few weeks ago: I need to do stuff to raise my self-esteem and self-worth. Because that jealousy was my low self-image talking, you know? Does that sound crazy?

Not at all.

So now I'm back to that, which is okay. I know I'll have top go back to this lesson every so often. It's just been the last couple days that I felt like this. And that's got to come to an end. 'Cause I've got a fuckin' CD to make, man.

That's right, farmboy.

Priorities, man. Songwriting. Recording. I have to improve my self-image so I can give the music close to what it deserves.


Music is so wonderful, man, that I can't imagine ever giving it all it truly deserves. I am humbled by music. There's nothing more important in my life.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Same old same old


Hey yourself, farmboy.

So it's been a...well, you know, I want to get my job situation straightened out. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm getting a little bored and somewhat worried the longer it gets.

Of course, I did do rewriting on two songs and did do the work needed for the CD today. So that's a plus. On the other hand, I never left the house today.

And who's choice was that?

Oh, it was all mine, completely mine. I was going to go out, but there was really no need. If I went out I was gonna spend money and buy things I didn't need.

Like what?

You know, bad food, non-nutritious food. I don't want to go out if I'm gonna buy potato chips and doughnuts, man. That shit ain't no fuckin' good for you, you know. Plus if I'm at home I ain't working off the calories.

So it hasn't been a bad day by any means. I just know that it can't stay this way forever. I mean, I need to make a living, man.

It's good that you're getting things done, farmboy. The CD, all the Kickstarter stuff...

Yeah. Plus I've gotten to bond with the new Wilco album. I love my Wilco.

Good album?

It's very good. That Jeff Tweedy guy, man. And all those guys in the band, they're so fuckin' good. The CD gets better the more you listen to it, too, which I like a lot. I love when that happens.

So what happens tomorrow?

As far as I know, the same old same old. Except I will leave the apartment at some point.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

monday haiku

there are some mornings
when you am glad for living
this ain't one of them

no, this is Monday
and you have to go to work
no breakfast for you

you wake up too late
because you stay up too late
not enough weekend

all the joy is gone
done drained out of you today
because of Monday

which is a fucked day
move on to Tuesday, Wednesday
or any other

'cause there ain't no use
for a day such as Monday
it is pure evil

Monday, September 26, 2011

Instead of farmboy totebags

How are you doing, farmboy?

I'm okay. I'm getting concerned about the job situation...

Which you haven't been talking about...

I know. And I still don't really want to talk about it. Not because I'm scared of it or something, but because I'm bored of it. I wasted so much fuckin' time this summer, man, by worrying and stressing over this fuckin' job that I try not to now. Because of the resentment.

Now, also, I have the Kickstarter project. And then that turns into an album that must be made. Not to mention the work I'm going to have to put in and making the rewards a reality.


You know, like pledge drives on public radio. But instead of farmboy totebags you get an original matted poem by your truly, among other things.

How many backers do you have, farmboy?

It's, like, 35.

Thirty-five poems!

It'll be fun. Seriously. I don't know much about poetry which gives mean incredible amount of freedom.

And you have been writing lyrics for years and years.

Yeah, even though that's a whole different thing, you know? But it is working with words, you know, and structure and rhythm and that kind of stuff.

Where are you at money-wise, farmboy?

Fuck, man, almost at $2500. And the goal is $3000.

So you're almost there.

With, like, 16 more days to go...

Over two weeks...

It's amazing, man. I can't believe it. I'm going to make an album. This is where I'm at my best; well, that and songwriting...

Which is a huge part of making an album, I would think.

It is. It's really the main part of my albums, anyway.

So that's taking the priority over worrying about this fuckin' job It's the one thing, this album thing, it's the thing that will take my attention away from worrying about something. I mean, I'm still worrying, but it's at a minimum right now, and that's because...

...because that's what you were born to do.

Right. I'm doing my real job.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

A little inspiration here

Man, I went to see this movie The Tree of Life, you know? It was fuckin' great. It may be the most visually beautiful film I've ever seen. It's kinda like one of those European films I used to see in classes like Film Aesthetics 1A in college.

I also went to see Drive this past week, which was a very different movie but also extremely visually arresting. It was very noir-ish. Which I like. Which is a good thing.

Two movies in one week, farmboy. I'm glad to see it.

Well, in the summer there's not a whole lot of movies that I'm interested in. I guess I'm interested in character, maybe. Or something like that. I mean, action's okay but it's not something I need to see a lot of.

I've also been listening a lot to the new Wilco album.

Is it out yet?

It gets released Tuesday, but NPR is streaming it. I really, really like it. I've listened to it several times. I've probably listened to it more than I might have if I actually had the physical property. Then again, maybe not.

So I guess what I'm doing is, really, getting a little inspiration here with all this stuff I've been exposed to lately. Which is good, 'cause I'm really working and thinking hard about this upcoming CD. I'm getting ideas and sorting through them and making decisions and I'm in my fuckin' element, man. This is what I do.

And you're doing it, farmboy.

Yeah, I sure am, huh?

Friday, September 23, 2011

Not just a fuckin' movie

Hey farmboy! How's it going?

Okay. I've decided to take the bus to the cheap movies and I'm going to have to leave in a couple minutes.

What are you going to see?

The Tree of Life. It's a Terrence Malick film. I think it's kinda high-brow. Which is why it's a film and not just a fuckin' movie.

I read a review of it. It's supposed to be great, but try not to worry too much about plot.

That's what I've heard too.

Hey, it's time!


I'll see you later, man.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

It's simple

Hey, farmboy, you're still awake?

My mind is spinning, man, with thoughts about the new album.

The Kickstarter campaign is going well, isn't it?

It is. What I've been thinking about is the sound of the new album. I'm aware that this could be an opportunity for joy, man. This doesn't happen too often, you know? This, man, is the work I'm fuckin' best at because it's the right work. You know, what I was born to do, blah blah blah.

This is the creative part. This is the fun part. This is what it's fuckin' all about, man.

So this is a good thing?

This is a great thing. This is me fantasizing, using my musical and lyrical imagination. You know, like, "Should I use the pedal steel as the connecting, um, motif between the sounds.

Do I sound pretentious or not?

Well, uh...

You don't have to answer. But that seems to be my process. So I end up walking around all the time, obsessing about these songs. I fuckin' love it.

So I'm appreciating it. I'm in the moment with it.

Define "it," farmboy.

It's simple. "It" is the making of an album. Welcome to my world, man.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


black and starless sky
gold of the heavenly grain
I can be silent

thick gray chimney smoke
the frozen wings of winter
fly above your heart

electric fan spins
imitating wild wind
it does not succeed

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Happy so far

Are you back to work yet, farmboy?

No, and it's beginning to piss me off, you know? They've had plenty of time and I'm running out of fuckin' sick leave, man. Plus it's hard work too not work because you've got to come up with stuff to do so your self-esteem doesn't go down to the dregs. Whatever dregs are.

Anyway, I still can't talk about it much because I'm afraid I'll get upset and it's been a hard summer, man. I'm tired of being emotional. My doctor has me on a new med and I think it's working and I don't want to mess it up.

I'm glad the new medication is working for you. I know it takes a lot of trying before you find the right medicine to take. At least with antidepressants.

Boy, I'll tell you, man, it's a good thing that the Kickstarter experience has been what's happening. There's a good chance I'd be real depressed without it.

Where are you at?


And what's your goal?


Whoa! You are doing well, farmboy. How many more days do you have?

Like 20, 21. Somewhere around there.

Doing good, farmboy.

Yeah, I'm happy so far. It's gonna be the best work, you know, making this album. Doing...

What you're supposed to be doing?

You're so smart, man. That's exactly right.

Monday, September 19, 2011

dad married a stripper

dad married a stripper
some old guy proclaimed them man and wife
two lonely hearts
till death do us part
intertwined financially for life
dad put the diamond on her finger
he heard "you may now kiss the bride"
he nestled up into her ample bosom
and put his wrinkled hand on her behind

dad married a stripper
he discovered her on
she put on the glass slipper
and that's how I met my new mom

dad married a stripper
her dress had flaming pink spaghetti straps
her top, it was a halter
they stood there at the alter
though she couldn't wait to climb upon his lap
we lifted our glasses to the couple
mixing dr. pepper and gin
viagra and a box of colored condoms
that was my wedding gift to them

dad married a stripper
now their wedded bliss has begun
now he'll always be there with her
I can only hope
like father, like son

Saturday, September 17, 2011

A lot more than money

Hey, farmboy, how are you?

Well, right now I'm sorta frustrated. I'm trying to buy a computer monitor that I found on craigslist and I've talked to the guy who's selling it. So I'm waiting for the guy to call, but he just keeps putting me off. So I'm giving him a few more minutes then I'm going to put my cell phone on silent because I figure the guy doesn't really want to sell it, and I'm fuckin' tired of wasting my time. I hate wasting my time.

But let me tell you the good news...

Really? Great! I like it when you have good news. It's the Kickstarter project, isn't it?

Yep. I'm more than halfway there now, can you believe it? A friend of mine from Texas and one from here made sizable donations, and, like, 20 people or so are backers now. Man! I can't fuckin' believe it!

Now I gotta not get cocky or overconfident or anything.

Overconfidence has never seemed like a problem for you, farmboy.

I just don't want to take anything for granted, man. I'm so thankful you wouldn't believe.

I know.

It's about a lot more than money, man. It's these people who believe in what I'm doing and want to help. I have friends that are excited that I'm making a new recording,, and that, man, is so fuckin' gratifying. Plus, you know, I really want to make a new album. This is why I'm here,, to create music...

To have your say...

In a way, yeah. That's exactly what it is.

So this bozo hasn't called, so I'm gonna go make some coffee. Talk with you tomorrow.

You got it, farmboy.

Great! Talk at you then, man.

Friday, September 16, 2011

cowboy haiku (for Ken Graydon)

weathered cowboy hat
words that speak of western truth
with a golden voice

across the miles
of a many-colored land
he sang of windmills

and farmers and sky
the words and the melodies
flow like mountain streams

believing in grace
while dancing around campfires:
Ken Graydon, our friend

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Man behind the curtain

So how are you doing with the Kickstarter project, farmboy?

It's going really well. I am over one-third there as far as my financial goal goes.

Wow! That's great!

Oh, man, it's fuckin' amazing! It's interesting, you know? So yesterday I spent all this time writing thank you emails to people who are contributing. It was so exciting! I almost couldn't handle it. (laughs) It felt so weird to feel good. I almost couldn't wait till it was over.

Did it make you nervous?

Yeah, man. It's like this movie that's an old favorite of mine called Tender Mercies. The character played by Robert Duvall says at one point "I don't trust happiness." That's me. I keep waiting for the man behind the curtain to take it away. And I don't even know who the man behind the curtain is.


No, no. God is a positive, um, thing to me. What do you call God? "Thing" seems just wrong.

Is it you, farmboy?

I thought maybe so. And I'm sure it is, on some level. But that seems too simple, too.

Maybe the man behind the curtain doesn't really exist.

That's what I'm beginning to think. Or maybe it's just my invention.

But I gotta say, man, that there's nothing like the possibility of recording to me. It excites me. And I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch -- so to speak -- but I think that there's gonna be a new farmboy album.

About time.

You got that right.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

summer let go of me

I believed I was free
but I was wrong
I was busy singing
some old happy song
I argued but
she wouldn't agree
and summer let go of me

and I fell
into autumn's open arms
seduced by summer's
sweet come-hither charms
green leaves fade to brown
and fall down from the tree
summer let go of me

she's a wild wind
that never will be still
racing on by her own free will

this world keeps spinning
hard and fast
you never know
which breath will be your last
that old bastard winter
is waiting patiently
summer let go of me
summer let go of me

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I unconsciously made this commitment

So, man, this Kickstarter thing is great. I mean, fuck, man, it's just this emotional burst, you know?

Explain it to me, farmboy.

Well, a lot of it just comes down to action, I think. Because I've gotta be responsible with this stuff, which I knew from day one. So inside myself I unconsciously made this commitment. And I'm fuckin' great if I've got a commitment like that.

The other thing is that people are fuckin' giving me money to make a record. These people fuckin' believe in me, man. Fuck.

These are all wonderful things. And you've worked for them. You put in the effort. There wasn't anybody holding a gun to your head.

I know, eh?

Eh? What are you, Canadian?

I would love to be Canadian. But that's another story for another time.

But, yeah, you're right. And it makes me feel good. I have to be successful at my end of this Kickstarter stuff. And that means writing the thank-you emails. That means communicating with people. That means getting the word out. That means...

Working on a new recording?

Yeah, man. Working on a new recording.

Monday, September 12, 2011

There is joy here, and I'm noticing it

It's up. The big 2011 farmboy Kickstarter project has begun!

Wow! Good for you, farmboy! How do you feel?

I feel okay. I got a good amount of pledges and I feel -- even more than the financial stuff -- really, uh, touched by the support. This could be really good in ways other than financial.

Now let's talk about something else.

What's the matter, farmboy? Getting a little uncomfortable, are you?

Well, yeah. You know I'm not good with positive shit. Especially when it involves those human-being types.

Yes, I've noticed.

What I need to do is process this stuff in my own way. But trust me, man, I don't fuckin' take it for granted. There is joy here, and I'm noticing it.


So what should we talk about?

What are you into these days? I mean music, film, books...

I tell you, man, I am deeply involved in that fuckin' Breaking Bad TV show.

Pretty good, huh?

Oh man, I'm, like, looking it up online and shit.

(farmboy stops talking)

farmboy, what's wrong?

Oh, it just crossed my mind. You know, here I've started this exciting project that's going to lead to an even more exciting project, and here I am talking about a fuckin' TV show.

(The interviewer is silent for a few seconds, then looks at farmboy) is a good show...

Yeah! So, like, last night, look have you seen it? I don't want to spoil it for you...Man, so, like, Walt and Jesse, they got in this fight...

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Very, very thankful

Fuckin' hot day, man. Upper 90's maybe?

You lived in central Texas for, what, 11 years?

I had A/C in Austin. Everything had A fuckin' C in Austin. I love Austin. I'm glad I live by family and I'm really glad I know my niece, but, fuck, man, I miss Austin.

There's terrible fires going on in Texas. In Bastrop County they've lost 1200 homes. And that was yesterday's news.

Speaking of, like, horrible unthinkable tragedies, tomorrow...

September 11. Ten year anniversary.

Man, I see all this attention know, attention has to be paid towards it. I know there's probably a good amount of crass commercialism, but this is an important anniversary. I mean, we're still fuckin' here, and by "we" I mean everybody in this sad old world.

It's, like, the one thing I don't want to hear jokes about or people comparing it to other tragedies. I mean, that's something I could have never imagined, you know?

That's true, farmboy. It was horrible. Unspeakably horrible.

What are you going to do tomorrow?

I may go see my brother and his family. It would be good to get out of the house.

You know, I'm still majorly depressed and anxious, but I'm thinking I may be a little bit more social. I went to the coffeehouse tonight, I've actually been in contact with people on facebook. Kickstarter is all set up and ready to go, but I don't want to kick it off until after September 11th. So there are some good things happening, little by little. My apartment's getting cleaner, slowly but surely.

But the depression's still there?

Yeah. And I'm gonna be anxious until the fuckin' powers that be in the school district finally assign me and I get kinda comfortable there. And now the money problems are coming back because I'll be a substitute...and that's something I don't even want to think about.

So don't think about it, farmboy.

Believe me, I won't. 'Cause I've got Kickstarter and I've got new songs and I am very, very thankful for anything that is positive that has to do with music.

And tomorrow's only going to be 90 degrees.

Friday, September 9, 2011

On the cutting room floor

all I want is a peaceful life
with space to stretch and room to breathe
where fresh fruit and vegetables
are not forbidden luxuries
where I can watch my children play
without the fear that one will stray
a good home for my kids and wife
all I want is a peaceful life

all I need is a bench to sit
a front porch to watch the setting sun
a glass of wine and a hand to hold
when the hard work of the day is done
where we can watch the girls and boys
make their fair share of joyful noise
no sound of guns
no siren cries
all I need is a peaceful life

all I want is somewhere to be safe
all I need is a little faith

all I want is hope for a better day
each night I lie in bed and pray

all I want is a peaceful life
to rest these weary bones at night
to forget about the rent and bills
or groceries when money's tight
a job to go most every day
where I can make a decent wage
where hope is not an empty lie
all I want is a peaceful life
I know it's here
just out of sight

So here's the latest rewrite on "A Peaceful Life."

I see. You chopped quite a bit out of it. Not that that's a bad thing.

No, it's not. I sort of combined two verses into one. I may take out that second bridge. We'll see. The song may have more changes to come. We'll see about that too.

Is it painful to cut, farmboy?

(laughs) I feel like we're in the cutting room, making a movie. And you know all sorts of stuff ends up on the cutting room floor. Editing, man, that's important.

There was only one line that I cut that hurt. But, man, it fuckin' killed me, you know?

And the line was...?

No sounds of guns, no siren cries

Oh, yes. I liked that line.

Yeah, me too. Plus, it's a line that I rewrote. It's slightly different than the one I showed you before.

It fuckin' killed me, man. But I wanted the "empty lie" line. I like the "guns" line because it's visual and it gives you an idea of where this man and his family live. But "Where hope is not an empty lie," well, that's an emotional line.

But, who knows? The "gun" line may go back in at some point. We'll see, man.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I took a pill

How was the meeting, farmboy?

S'okay. We'll see, but I don't mean that cynically.

Here's what I've been telling some people via facebook, man. It's basically all I want to say about this fuckin' subject that I'd rather not give the time of day to.

Are you okay?

Oh, pretty much. I was anxious earlier. I took a pill. Now I'm calm, but still normal, you know? I'm not bouncing off the walls with high panic. Right now I'm more concerned with the fact that I ended a sentence with a proposition.

What sentence was that?

"It's basically all I want to say about this fuckin' subject that I'd rather not give the time of day to."

That sounds just fine to me, farmboy. We're talking speech here, not the written word.

I know. I'm just trying to be funny. You know, humor?

Har har.

So, this is what I wrote. By the way, "HR" means Human Resources. I'll catch you later, man.

Well, here's the latest. I met with [this guy] who handles disability issues for HR, and I will not be placed at the behavior school due to anxiety issues. They -- HR -- are going to try to find me a placement. This whole experience has been much more complicated than it should have been (for example, HR could have got back to me in June when I called and emailed them). But enough complaining...

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Medical condition

Man, I am so fuckin' nervous. There's this meeting I have to go to at work tomorrow and my union rep's gonna be there and, fuck, I'm scared and I'm not sure why.

Don't be. You'll be fine, farmboy. I've seen this kind of thing before. It's just something that they have to have. They do this with everybody who has a medical condition.

Is anxiety a medical condition?

Are you taking medication for it?

Uh, yeah.

Can you really look at the past three months or so and tell me it's not a medical condition, farmboy?

Okay. You've made your point.

So go in there with confidence. You've done all you could. You'll be fine. Really.

I've already taken a clonazepam today.

Good. Go to bed, put on a podcast. Wake up, work on Kickstarter, work on music...

I've been working on cleaning my apartment. I could continue that.

Do some work on Kickstarter first, though.


Take advantage of this time.

Good idea. I'll do that.

Will I really be okay?

Yes, farmboy. Yes, you will.

Thanks, man.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Nerve and courage

It's another day and I'm waiting to hear from the fuckin' school district about where I'll working. So no work today. I was hoping they'd call, but they haven't. What I've done instead is a shitload of things I needed to do plus I worked on the Kickstarter stuff, which has been put off because of the fuckin' job situation.

And how is that going. farmboy?

It's almost ready. I've got the video, I've got stuff written. All I need now is the nerve and courage and I'll be set.

You have the nerve and courage. There's no problem there. Just make sure everything is where you want it. This is exciting!

It'll be sorta nerve-wracking. If you don't get enough people, you don't get anything. I mean, you have to reach your financial goal.

I really don't think you'll have any problem, farmboy. A lot of people love your music. A lot of people love you.

I hope you're right, man. I could really use a boost.

I know, farmboy. Just be patient. I'm feeling like good things are coming your way.

Thanks, man. It feels good to hear that.

Monday, September 5, 2011

All I've done is sleep

I just fuckin' woke up, man. I didn't mean to fall asleep and I fell asleep for, five or six hours. It felt really good but I was surprised by it. I( didn't know that I needed it that badly.

I'm glad to hear it, farmboy. With all the stress and your sporadic sleeping lately, your body needs to recharge.

But I didn't get anything accomplished. I only played guitar once today. I didn't write, I didn't work. All I've done is sleep.

Yeah? Well, it's Labor Day. You have a day off, remember?

Oh yeah! Labor Day! I fuckin' deserve that day. We all deserve that day.

It's here. Happy Labor Day!

Same to you, pal.

Sunday, September 4, 2011


Hey, farmboy.

Hey, man.

I'd like to talk with you.

I'm in fuckin' trouble, ain't I? Fuck, man, I...

You're not in trouble. Why would you be in trouble?

I don't know. Seems like I'm always guilty of something.

Our relationship's never been like that. You don't have to answer to me.

So, then, why do you want to talk to me?

I'm just worried about you, that's all. I know that these past few months have been pretty bad and so I wanted to ask: How are you doing with all this stuff?

I'm completely depressed, man. I'm angry and scared and anxious. I feel like my life is something that gets done to me, instead of the other way around. And it's gotten to the point where I expect failure, you know, like "Why should I try?" I expect to lose. I can't imagine getting a good gig. I expect rejection. Which make it extremely hard to keep trying anything.

Glad you asked?

Damn, farmboy, I wish I could make it better.

You help, man. You're helping right now.

I'm just worried that you're believing these lies that you feel life is telling you right now. And I just want you to know that they're lies, and that life isn't telling them to you. All this -- I don't know what to call it -- misfortune, it's putting ideas in your head and they're lies. There is nothing true about them. You're a talented songwriter and musician, you're a good person. You don't believe it, but it's true.

Wow. That's a lot to think about.

I know, farmboy. But I think it's important.

I agree. Deep inside, I know you're right. Or at least I hope you're right.

I'm really glad to hear you say this stuff, man. I need to hear it. Thanks. You're a good friend, man.

So are you, farmboy. You're a good friend.


Okay, let's move on to something else.

Friday, September 2, 2011

summer's end

and summer's ending
it never really began
in my life this year
I want to ask time
can we have a do-over
if I beg you please?
but time doesn't talk
or at least I can't hear it
it just keeps moving
like an old race horse
whose feet move ever forward
only from habit