I'm a writing machine

Well, man, I finally wrote a song that I like. It sure took a while.

I'm so glad you're not impatient, farmboy. 

Sarcasm does not become you.

Does this new song have a name?

Yeah. It's called "Someone I Thought I Loved." I'm very happy with the melody and the music. The lyrics, I will have to look over that, but I've worked on it a bit and it's getting there, slowly but surely. It's also fictional, which is fine, but I would like to find whatever ways I can relate to it personally.

You wrote it. I'm sure you relate to it in some way. You know, the subconscious and all that psychological stuff. There's something already in there, I'm sure. 

Anything else brewing in the brain and heart of yours?

Let's not get too ahead of ourselves. I just keep working and I just keep on writing. I'm a writing machine, man, with all these words and thoughts and sentences pouring out of me. It's the only way I know as far as getting stuff to work on. I just write and write and write. Every fuckin' day, man.

And it's always paid off. I know it's frustrating, farmboy, but you've written some very good songs in the past few years.

Now if someone would just listen to them.

That must be frustrating.

Oh, it is, it really is. It's so fucking hard writing in a vacuum, you know? With no feedback or anything. It's sad to say this, but I need some attention. From somebody. I'm not talking about bookers or media or any of that shit. I'm talking about a fuckin' audience. I miss having an audience, I miss somebody listening to my songs. I'm being overdramatic, I know, but those songs are my fuckin' life.

How do you get an audience, farmboy?

Beats me. If I knew, I'd have one.

someone I thought I loved (rewrite 2)

you were never a friend to me
I only see
you in my rear view mirror
now you're an empty memory
just let me be
alone I see much clearer
when I recall your lies
I realize
this time I've had enough
you were just someone I thought I loved
someone I thought I loved

you were never ever really honest
a broken promise
you made quite a few
all the time I kept believing
well, now we're even
I've learned to play it cool
when I think of you
I'm so glad we're through
the going was getting rough
you were just someone I thought I loved
someone I thought I loved

          now I have found the strength inside me
          to find the love that you denied me

you never knew love for me
I only see
all that in hindsight now
sometimes I'm a little slow
but now I know
just what I won't allow
I know now what to do
without you
I've learned my heart is tough
you were just someone I thought I loved
someone I thought I loved

someone I thought I loved (rewrite 1)

you were never a friend to me
I only see
you in my rear view mirror
lost to empty memories
just let me be
alone I see much clearer
when I recall your lies
I realize
this time I've had enough
you were just someone I thought I loved
someone I thought I loved

you were never really ever honest
a broken promise
there were quite a few
all this time I kept believing
well, now we're even
I've learned to play it cool
when I think of you
I'm so glad we're through
the going was getting rough
you were just someone I thought I loved
someone I thought I loved

          you had me fooled
          I followed your rules
          till my heart was hollow
          but I've learned a little bit by now
          you're showing me how
          to face a new tomorrow

you never knew love for me
I only see
all that in hindsight now
sometimes I'm a little slow
but now I know
just what I won't allow
I know now what to do
without you
I'm learning my heart is tough
you were just someone I thought I loved
someone I thought I loved

         

someone I thought I loved

you were never a friend to me
I only see
you in the rear view mirror
lost in empty memories
just leave me be
alone I see much clearer
when I recall your lies
I realize
this time I've had enough
you were just someone I thought I loved
someone I thought I loved

you were never really ever honest
a broken promise
there were quite a few
all this time I kept believing
well, now we're even
I've learned to play it cool
when I think of you
I'm so glad we're through
the going was getting rough
you were just someone I thought I loved
someone I thought I loved

dear doctor tucker

dear doctor tucker
I'm writing you this letter
to tell you how I'm feeling today
I was sorta hoping
I might be somewhat better
but the world isn't treating me that way
my spirit's gone and there's no hope in sight
I should be out on the town on this Saturday night
but here I sit at home
as always, all alone

dear doctor tucker
nobody wants me
to be anything like a friend
the memories of
my old friends still haunt me
my relationships are all at an end
there's nobody I could be talking to
there's no social function that I can do
if I had a soul, I'd be playing the blues
but I'm not much of a human being
I doubt that you'd know what I mean

dear doctor tucker
our time's almost done
fifty minutes can go by so fast
thanks for your help
feels like we've just begun
I don't know if I'm up to the task
but there's no denying
that I'll keep on trying
mental illness is lying
I'll take what you taught
and work out some plot
so I can go on with the story
I'm thinking it's true
it has something to do
with the journey that's laid out before me

I don't want to be broken

I don't want to be broken
I want to be a first place winner
but my brain has spoken
and it says I'm a rank beginner
I try and try
I do my best
but I swear my mind
has been possessed
by unknown sources inside of me
I don't want to be broken
I want to be free

I don't want to be a loser
as part of my Christian name
a beggar or chooser
you know they're one and the same
I try and try
I do my finest
but it's not for you
my princess
your highness
you don't belong in my neighborhood
I don't want to be broken
I want to do good

          all my life
          I have waiting
          to be the person I am
          but everything that's happened
          until now
          I do not understand

I don't want to be broken
I want the pieces to fit in place
from Detroit to Hoboken
I analyze this human race
I try and try
you're discouraging me
and your alibi
is all I see
I don't have to question twice
I don't want to be broken
I just want to be alive

a little faith

he does everything he can
to make headway with his plans
but he doesn't understand
life has its own way with you
stoplights changing on a busy street
he watches out for his own two feet
pressing on and over concrete
what else can he do

          he just needs a little faith
          in everything he does
          you ask him just because
          he needs a little inspiration
          he just needs a little faith
          in everything he'll do
          because he's just like you
          accept no imitation
          he just needs a little faith

he's learned everything he can
about being a man
making his own stand
but it ain't working
no what matter, down is up
and he's had enough
he's acting tough
inside he's hurting

          he just needs a little faith
          in everything he does
          you ask him just because
          he needs a little inspiration
          he just needs a little faith
          in everything he'll do
          because he's just like you
          accept no imitation
          he just needs a little faith

I can't not write songs

Any luck with the songwriting, farmboy?

It's getting there. I just keep on writing. I've got one rewrite that shows promise, and one or two other things. It's such a fuckin' hard process, though. It's like playing the fuckin' lottery. It's like fishing. You keep throwing in your line, hoping that you'll eventually catch something. It's fuckin' frustrating, man.

The thing is, I'm not sure if any of this matters. Nobody hears these songs anyway. At this point I do it just because I really do love writing songs. It's what I do. I mean, I can't not write songs, you know?

To be honest, I would worry if you ever stopped writing, farmboy. It would feel like you were just giving up on life.

Which would be true, man.

When I was going through an unbelievably hard time earlier this year, I went for a few days without any desire to be musical. And it was horrible. It's very seldom happened to me, which I am extremely grateful for. But when it did...I didn't know what to fuckin' do, man. This music stuff isn't just what I do, it's who I am. There is no separation between myself and music. I've been very blessed that way.

It's true, you have.

I know. It's pretty amazing to have this thing inside you. It's music, but it's magic and it involves love. It's truly miraculous. 

So I know I'll just keep writing, and I know that there will be songs and they will fill me up like nothing else. That's just the way it is. 

yes in a world of no (rewrite)

I learned in catechism 
that God was everywhere
so I looked under the sofa
but I didn't see nobody there
but still I keep on the lookout
everywhere I go
just like I keep on searching
for a yes in a world of no

every morning I rise from bed
to face a brand new day
working in this factory job
for my measly weekly pay
the cash comes in
the cash goes out
never to overflow
still I keep working that daily grind
for a yes in a world of no

amid life's trials and troubles
I've tried to bravely push through
sometimes I'm understanding
but mostly I'm mainly confused
every day I work and sweat and dream
with nothing left to show
except this foolish undying hope
for a yes in a world of no

now the years are speeding by me
I cannot stop to rest
maybe there's satisfaction
in knowing I did my best
but there's one thing I'm sure of
when it comes my time to go
I'll leave this world in search of
a yes in a world of no

I don't know anybody and nobody knows me

So here I am, another day. I just got back from walking and I'm depressed. It seems like every day is exactly the same. And I do things that are good for me; I walk, I read, I write, I play music, I watch what I eat, and I have no fun. I don't know anybody and nobody knows me.

I'm proud of you for continuing to nurture good habits, farmboy. They all add up.

Oh yeah? When, exactly?

I can't tell you when. You just have to keep working...

But when is there a payoff? I feel like I'm just going through the motions every fuckin' day and nothing is happening.

What do you want to happen?

I want to write good songs. I want to lose weight and feel good physically. I want to have friends. I used to have friends. I'm not sure what happened. Their lives all changed. While I was off having accidents and relearning to walk, they all got busy doing other things and forgot about me.

I wish I had some answers. But it seems to me that you're doing some very important work. You may be just in a slump, farmboy. You've been working hard and you just might be a little tired.

A little frustrated is more like it.

I know, farmboy, I know. You have a right to be frustrated. I wish I could help more.

You help plenty, man. It's just that I get unhappy. I get in these moods and I don't know what to do about it. I wish I could eat something fun. I wish I would write a great, great song. Instead I keep on working and I feel nothing coming from it.

That's how you feel. That's not fact.

I know. And I know this will pass but, damn it, I wish it wouldn't fuckin' take so fuckin' long. I need change, and I need it soon.

hourglass 4

I have squandered my whole life
insisting time run faster
because I'm an impatient man
and nothing is ever on time
I'm ready for moonlight
when it's the morning after
a long night of drinking
Coronas, salt and lime

but now they're slowing down
these days of life untasted
memories of my younger days
have crumbled in my hand
I cannot make up for
all the time I've wasted 
how fast this life is going
I do not understand

          so for now I'll just breathe
          let out a heavy sigh
          the end of my journey
          is sternly stopping by
          to take me from people
          I will forever miss
          it's a high price to pay
          when you cease to exist

please calm me tonight
softly take my hand
ease my worried mind 
pretend you're my best friend
the hourglass is almost empty
it's running out of sand
just hold me closer, now
until the very end

          so for now I'll just breathe
          let out a heavy sigh
          the end of my journey
          is sternly stopping by
          to take me from people
          I will forever miss
          it's a high price to pay
          when you cease to exist
          it's a high price to pay
          when you cease to exist

I look around

I look around 
what do I see
everybody
has a right to be free
to love each other
to live their lives
to do anything 
in order to survive
I look around me
you're all somebody else
I can't apply any of this
to myself

I tremble and I'm nervous
I panic a lot
the sky is falling
and faith is all that I've got
don't let me go under
I beg and I plead
another ignored request
by a man in need
I'm in fear for my sanity
my fragile mental health
but I can't do anything
to help myself

          so I I'm looking for an answer
          looking for a clue
          looking directly at you

I look around
what do I see
my hopes and my wishes
have washed out to sea
there's nothing to live for
nothing to do
nothing to look
forward to
hand me that bottle
the one on the top shelf
I've done all I can
to help myself
I've done all I can
to help myself

old man hat

got an old man hat
I don't want to burn my head
got an old man hat
don't want to burn my head
I ain't got no hair
and it's hot up there

I like my beer 
don't need no lemonade
I like my beer
I don't need no lemonade
good Lord, my friend
it's one hundred and ten in the shade

forget playing sports
I wanna stay here in this chair
no tennis courts
I'm gonna stay here in this chair
you can do what you want
but I ain't going nowhere

it's hot it's hot
I want an ocean breeze
cold it's not
I need an ocean breeze
or I'm going inside
crank up the AC

got an old man hat
I don't want to burn my head
got an old man hat
don't want to burn my head
I ain't got no hair
and it's hot up there

hourglass 3

I have complained my entire life
insisting time run faster
I'm an impatient man
nothing is ever on time
I'm ready for the evening
when it's the morning after
a long night of drinking
Coronas, salt and lime

but now they're slowing down
days of life untasted
the memories of my younger days
have crumbled in my hand
I cannot make up for
all the time I've wasted 
how fast this life is going
I do not understand

          so for now I'll just breathe
          let out a heavy sigh
          the end of my journey
          is sternly stopping by
          to take me from people
          I will forever miss
          it's a high price to pay
          when you cease to exist

please calm me tonight
hold softly my hand
ease my troubled mind 
be my best friend
the hourglass is almost empty
it's running out of sand
just hold me close
until the very end

          so for now I'll just breathe
          let out a heavy sigh
          the end of my journey
          is sternly stopping by
          to take me from people
          I will forever miss
          it's a high price to pay
          when you cease to exist
          it's a high price to pay
          when you cease to exist

invisible (I maybe)

I maybe should have been 

extremely into heroin

then maybe somebody

would have paid attention to me

I maybe should have known

this world ain't my home

it's something maybe someone

should have mentioned to me

but here I am

too many words

too many nights

feeling disturbed

from what I see

what I observe

I'm invisible

I maybe should have seen

that as a human being

this world ain't made for me

it belongs to someone else

I maybe should have learned

hope only gets you burned

standing too close to the flame

I've discovered inside myself

but here I am

too many thoughts

torture my soul

more often than not

all that I have

is all that I got

I'm invisible

I maybe should have asked

for help with this task

for all my ten-cent words

I can't do this alone

I maybe should have seen

there ain't no in between

just wrong directions

on my journey back home

and here I am

too many dreams

and I am poor

no man of means

am I a man

or am I a machine

I'm invisible

hourglass 2

I have spent my whole life
insisting time run faster
I'm an impatient man
nothing is ever on time
I'm ready for the evening
when it's the morning after
a long night of drinking
Coronas and lime

but now they're slowing down
days of life untasted
the memories of my history
have crumbled in my hand
I think I need to make up for
all the time I've wasted 
how fast this life is going
I do not understand

          so for now I'll just breathe
          let out a heavy sigh
          the end of my journey
          is surely stopping by
          to take me from people
          I will forever miss
          It's a high price to pay
          when you cease to exist

please calm me tonight
take hold of my hand
ease my mind 
be my best friend
the hourglass is almost finished
it's running out of sand
just hold me close
until the very end

hourglass

I have spent my entire life
trying to make time run faster
I am so impatient
nothing is ever on time
I'm ready for the evening
when it's the morning after
a long night of drinking
trying to kill time

but now they need to slow down
these days of life untasted
the memories of history
that have crumbled in my hand
I think I need to make up for
all the time I've wasted 
how fast this life is going
I do not understand

          so for now I'll just breathe
          let out a heavy sigh
          the end of my journey
          is surely stopping by
          to take me to places
          a human can miss
          It's a high price to pay
          when you cease to exist

please hold me tonight
take hold of my hand
ease my mind 
be my best friend
the hourglass is almost finished
it's running out of sand
just hold me close
until the very end

canyon

I am homesick for the arms
that don't want to hold me
and there's nothing about it I can do
I'm waking up to the fact
I may always end up lonely
always hurting with my memories of you
your love is a canyon
and I am falling
alone and abandoned
the future is calling
but there's nothing inside it
there's nothing inside it
but still I keep looking inside

rest of my life

you wake up every morning
and everyone is against you
it comes without a warning
how everybody offends you
you're the only one who's right
everyone else is wrong
so I thought about it all night
while I finally wrote this song

          I'm living the rest of my life
          all by myself
          it all turns out all right
          when there's no one else
          all I need is silence
          to protect my mental health
          I'm living the rest of my life
          all by myself

I won't have to buy birthday gifts
for all my aging friends
you can't tell me about Taylor Swift
those days are at an end
I won't have to go to boring functions
where there's nothing to do
I'm finding myself at the junction
where there's nothing I can lose

          I'm living the rest of my life
          all by myself
          it all turns out all right
          when there's no one else
          all I need is silence
          to protect my mental health
          I'm living the rest of my life
          all by myself

time clock

we're all on the time clock
no matter where we are
no matter what you do
time's gonna come for you
me, I do the best I can
always wishing on a star 
Lord, let this not be the day
when a loved one goes away

          seasons come and seasons go
          where they are I do not know
          we'll get through someway, somehow
          we're all on the time clock now

Art is your fate. Don't debate.

I tell ya man, it's hard. It's so fuckin' hard.

So the songwriting is giving you challenges, eh? Good. It's good for you to be challenged artistically. I mean, you are an artist, farmboy. Remember once you got a fortune in a fortune cookie that read "Art is your fate. Don't debate." That was meant for you.

Oh, I know. I just get impatient, that's all. But I like what you're saying, that it's good to be challenged. Maybe that's what I need, I don't know. But it's better than writing the same stuff over and over, you know, man?

I think that's true. You've got to keep things interesting. There needs to be change. Time moves forward. Perhaps think of some subjects -- or even single words and phrases -- that are different than what you've used before. Try different subjects or new ways of looking at life.

Well, this could be a real adventure. Which brings up the next question: What if I fail? What if I'm not up to the challenges?

You just continue to write every day. You show up and suit up.

t's like fuckin' PE.

It's like pretty much everything worth working towards.

(laughs) That's what I'm afraid of. More frustration.

And you'll get that. But you'll also reap the benefits. At some point you'll write something that catches your interest. And then you'll work on it and your subconscious willl work on it. And you'll work on it, too.

Yeah, I love when that happens. It's all a mystery, this songwriting stuff. I've been doing it most of my life and I feel like I still don't have a clue.

And you've written some very good songs, farmboy.

Thanks. I try.

my imagination

when I was a boy
I dreamed of pianos
in basements and hallways
in churches and bars
I'd practice with fingers
tapping on notebooks
I learned you can play
wherever you are

          my imagination
          has always been overused
          but my imagination
          makes me less confused

I've lost myself somehow

I'm tired of writing lousy songs.

But, farmboy, you love writing songs.

I do. And I love having written songs. But lately I just can't seem to locate that part of myself that thinks my emotions are worth writing about. Look, I write every fuckin' day. And sometimes it's the hardest fuckin' thing you can imagine. It's like I look at myself and say "Where the fuck am I?" Because I've lost myself somehow.

I'm sure you're searching, though...

I am. 

And maybe that's where the songs begin.

I suppose. But it's so long between songs. And then I don't really have an audience any more, so what's the point?

Never mind, man. I'm just whining and complaining now.

You've earned the right, farmboy. You've been writing a very long time. Ever think about taking a break?

I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that if I stop writing -- and practicing, for that matter -- it'll just be harder and harder and that I'll hardly ever write.

That could be a good thing.

I guess.

The fact is, though, I love writing and I've written a whole lot during these past few years. An accident and a mental breakdown will do that to you.

Yeah, farmboy. That and hard work and discipline. A strong work ethic. A willingness to explore yourself. Don't give the credit to something that causes you harm. 

I know. It's ridiculous. 

I don't want to sound like some old self-help book, but maybe you might try letting up on yourself. Just a little.

Okay, I'll try it. But it ain't gonna be easy.

I don't live there anymore

you talk to me of old days
everything that went before
I appreciate you asking
but I don't live there anymore

you talk to me of home
life behind the old screen door
I know you like nostalgia
but I don't live there anymore

          memories 
          don't mean nothing to me
          burn them all to ashes
          scatter them upon the sea

you talk to me of family
I do my best to ignore
your words of human kindness
but I don't live there anymore

          memories
          don't mean nothing to me
          except days and times
          where I'd rather be

you talk to me of old days
photos in a drawer
she's someone I used to know
I don't live there anymore

so fucking angry

sometimes I get so fucking angry

that I beat my head against the wall

over and over and over again

sometimes I get so fucking angry

that I hit my face with fists

so I can fucking feel something

because if I don't

I am going to fucking

explode

rough rider

he's a two-timing man
in a one-horse town
and he don't need no woman
keeping him down
just because they're married
don't mean a thing these days
he don't give a damn
about your old-fashioned ways
he's a rough rider
he don't know where he's bound
he's a rough rider
and he's gonna ride you clear out of town