Sunday, December 31, 2017

Christmas alone


I spent Christmas alone
it will never come back
it will never be made up
that's it
happy holidays

I am so filled
with hate and anger
that I fear
I may
never recover


Saturday, December 30, 2017

the Christmas I had


I missed Christmas
or Christmas missed me
some say it wasn't
meant to be
you had Christmas
with loved ones near
the Christmas I had
disappeared 
as if I was not here

my calendar 
is out of whack
because I'll never get
that Christmas back
you don't care
you had your cheer
the Christmas I had
disappeared
as if I deserved it
this year

you had Christmas
it was a good one, too
you who judged me
not good enough for you
you had Christmas
inside your happy home
surrounded by family
the Christmas I had 
was unknown

but you don't care
you had yours
and good for you
and your open doors
people of privilege
people of privilege

you had Christmas
the Christmas I had
didn't happen

you had Christmas
you had Christmas
fuck you


life's work


it has been my life's work
to write songs nobody will hear

and you say it's my calling


Friday, December 29, 2017

It forgot me


Christmas is now completely gone and it forgot me.


Thursday, December 28, 2017

I was left out of Christmas


I was left out of Christmas
forgotten
I was denied Christmas
I don't deserve Christmas
why can't I have Christmas like all the real children?
I am being punished 
I am never getting this Christmas back again
I hate the world
I hate my life
I hate myself
I didn't get to have Christmas
like other people
and I am just supposed
to fuckin' accept it and move on
but I can't
all I can do is hurt
I was left out of Christmas
forgotten


Wednesday, December 27, 2017

bitter haiku (happy Christmas)


I am so bitter
that my brain and my big mouth
should both be strangled


Tuesday, December 26, 2017

I didn't get to belong


So last night just got worse. Late in the night I realized that I had completely missed Christmas. The whole day had gone by and I didn't get to be a part of it. I didn't get to belong. I stood on the outside again, so to speak. I kept picturing other people's dinners with their families and friends. I took Klonopin all day, and smoked weed with shatter. I drank enough whiskey to make a difference. I cried. A lot. It would start and stop and start again. I used a lot of Kleenex. I had a lot of snot, 'cause I kept on crying, on and off.

And that was my Christmas. How was your's?


Monday, December 25, 2017

Christmas by myself, in solitary confinement


Merry Christmas, man.

Merry Christmas, farmboy. You sound depressed.

I am. It snowed last night and it's too dangerous for me to leave my apartment, so I'm spending Christmas by myself, in solitary confinement. I'm so fuckin' sad but I'm trying to handle it. Klonopin, weed, whiskey...I think they're gonna be my close friends this Christmas.

But I'm trying not too make a big deal out of it. It's just that I love Christmas and I can't believe...I feel like most years, Christmas breaks my heart.

farmboy, I'm so sorry that this happened...

Thanks, man, I'll be okay. But for the time being, I'm so depressed that I can barely move

Merry Christmas, though. It's still Christmas. Nobody can take that away from me, I hope.


Sunday, December 24, 2017

try


right now I'm doing the work
I can't believe I still am
I've never been one to be patient
I give up as fast as I can
but this time everything's different
and I'm not going to question why
all I'm gonna do is try
the best I can
try
to somehow give a damn
I
don't know exactly who I am
but life ain't gonna pass me by
not if I try


Saturday, December 23, 2017

the loneliest Santa in the mall


there are no children here
at 11 a.m.
all the grownups are busy
with money to spend
he sits by himself
just watching them all
he's the loneliest Santa in the mall

he's ready for photos
all those portraits to snap
of every sweet child
he holds on his lap
he wants to hear wishes
about teddy bears and dolls
he's the loneliest Santa in the mall

          and all the adults
          are unaware
          the go on with shopping
          and forget that he's there
          sometimes he's so lonely
          he just wants to cry
          but this weekend he'll be
          the most popular guy

with children of all kinds
kid of every age
and Santa will be
sitting there, center stage
with cheer and best wishes
for one and all
no longer the loneliest Santa in the mall
he'll be here all week
if you happen to call
he's the loneliest Santa in the mall


Friday, December 22, 2017

lightning in a bottle


you caught lightning in a bottle
they said it couldn't be done
and I was there among them
in fact, I was number one
to predict it wouldn't happen
to say it just wouldn't be
because the luck that you were having
wouldn't begin to look at me


Thursday, December 21, 2017

luxury


I don't trust luxury
I don't even like the sound of the word
so stylized and self-important
ready to be served
usually speaks in a snooty British accent
(the kind you hear in old movies,
usually with names like
Mr. Moneybags)
luxury feels like it belongs
to the entitled 
I am not entitled
I prefer not to be
I just want to be a human being
I'm a simple kind of guy


Wednesday, December 20, 2017

el camino a tu casa


el camino a tu casa
es un rio de mil estrellas
brillando de la noche


Tuesday, December 19, 2017

bread and fishes


try it
it's easy
you take
one breath after another
one step after another
one word after another
one day at a time

after awhile
everything accumulates
growing like wildflowers
in the hill country of Central Texas:
every action
every decision
every prayer

if hope was money
you could spend every dollar bill
and still receive 
more than you give

hope can multiply
it's bread and fishes
it's communion
it's Mecca
it's Jerusalem

it's my heart
I am giving it a chance


Monday, December 18, 2017

what I would give


what I would give
is not mine to give
but I would give it freely
if I could have
what I require
I wouldn't be so needy
I don't want much
a human touch
a life more right than wrong
what I would give
if I could only
feel like I belong

I don't remember
a world without
this hunger in my heart
I've tried but it's
locked tight inside
no key
no way to start
if I could see
my history
I'd trade it for a song
what I would give
if I could only
feel like I belong

what I would give
I'm begging you
let me take out a loan
I cannot stay 
here anymore
this world is not my home
I cannot stand
to be alone as I am
I don't believe I'm that strong
what I would give
if I could only
feel like I belong


Sunday, December 17, 2017

my Christmas tree


my Christmas tree glows
with the light of tradition
from central Texas

bought from a thrift store
across the street from the school
I was employed at

and I miss Austin
I seemed much more hopeful then
but now I'm stronger

than I ever thought
I would ever have to be.
I will grow stronger

day on top of days
like past due library books
like moving muscles

I will see Christmas
next year, and with faith and hard work
maybe strength will grow

and I'll bring out my
Christmas tree for one more year
for celebration

and thanks for the life
that I am privileged to live
with love and courage


Saturday, December 16, 2017

innocent bystander


my head is spinning sideways
nothing makes any sense
I can see the neighbors 
yapping over the fence
me, I'm just sleeping
off the night before
yes, I was there when it happened
when they kicked in the door

too much marijuana
can make you squirm
and I had too much tequila
man, I ate the fuckin' worm
I was drunker than shit, man
I could barely see
so why are you
interrogating me

          yeah, give me a number
          take down my legal name
          I never knew nothing
          I ain't taking the blame
          I've always been on the side
          of the long arm of the law
          I'm the innocent bystander
          there ain't nothing that I saw

now, I didn't touch her
I want you to understand
I barely even knew her
never even held her hand
when Jim from the Southside
and his merry group of men
took everything she had
again and again and again

yeah, I knew it wasn't right
yeah, I could have called 911
but the police in this city
what the hell would they have done?
I didn't know the bitch
I was scared of them boys
you wouldn't have heard me anyway
they was making all that noise
they were making all that fuckin' noise

          yeah, give me a number
          take down my legal name
          I never saw nothing
          I ain't taking the blame
          I've always been on the side
          of freedom and the law
          I'm the innocent bystander
          there ain't nothing that I saw

and anyway, what's the big deal?
I seen her around these parts
working for her medicine
in the back seat of a car
look, she's got a reputation
in this shithole of a town
this ain't the first time someone saw her
with her panties pulled way down

          yeah, give me a number
          take down my legal name
          I never saw nothing
          I ain't taking the blame
          I've always been on the side
          of the long arm of the law
          I'm the innocent bystander
          there ain't nothing that I saw


Friday, December 15, 2017

one place to another


you seem to be lost
where are you going, my brother?
your guess is as good as mine
from one place to another


Thursday, December 14, 2017

romance without finance


romance
without finance
don't stand a chance

when I was a boy
early on in life
my grandma told me
someday you'll look for a wife
you'll want true love
that's guaranteed
but there's something else
you're gonna need

she said
romance
without finance
don't stand a chance


Wednesday, December 13, 2017

what I want this Christmas


what I want this Christmas
is to not think so much of myself
I want to give something to someone
that can't be given by somebody else
want I want this Christmas
is to pay attention when I see
every star and every light
in every night and Christmas tree


Tuesday, December 12, 2017

dick's song


I buy the best lubricant
I buy the classiest porn
so why oh why
won't you be reborn
when I'm with my girl
I think "oops...surprise!"
you hang like you're sleeping
when I need you to rise

          don't make feel sad
          don't get me mad
          my tears fall like 
          falls like Niagara
          don't fail me so
          I need you to grow
          don't make me break out the Viagra

I handle you gently
I handle you rough
I'm amazed of the joy
from my own human touch
but do you respond
to my not-so-wet dreams?
don't make me resort
to my medical means

          I'm begging of you
          please don't make me blue
          don't make me
          have to nag ya
          I need inner peace
          you're my only release
          don't make me break out the Viagra


Monday, December 11, 2017

bash


I am so pissed off
what I really want to do
is bash my head in


Sunday, December 10, 2017

what you don't remember


what you don't remember
is not proof it didn't happen
there are people who have loved you
that you never even knew
they each had their own rhythm
hands clapping
feet a-tapping
there's been many joyful moments
you didn't know that involved you


Saturday, December 9, 2017

words like water


I want words like water
I want words that 
run downstream constantly
a never-ending supply, 
free of charge
so that I can use the perfect ones
to do my bidding
and serve their purpose

I don't want to weigh
words with any kind of worth
except the ones
that fulfill their potential
(as a guidance counselor would say)

no
I want words like water
falling from the open sky
into the mouth of the desert


Friday, December 8, 2017

problem


my damn problem is
my own inability
to be someone else


forevermore 4


it's different now
you're on the west side of the river
in a big shiny building
that always looks brand new
winter's coming
it's so cold that I shiver
when I think about the changes
from the world we once knew
still, it might be good to stay friends
maybe go have coffee
like we always did before
but I can tell
those times are at an end
and those days are gone
forevermore

so much to do
business is, as they say, really booming
it's supply and demand
and you do what you must do
I'd like to tell you
that my life is improving
but looking at me now
you'd know that it's not true
still, it might be good to stay friends
maybe grab a beer
from that fancy import store
but we won't ask questions
confirming where or when
or if those days are gone 
forevermore

send me a text
let me know where you're living
yeah, time moves on
with new spaces left to fill
I send my best
have fun there in the city
you say we'll see each other 
but I know we never will
still, it might be good to stay friends
we could meet for a bite
at that new place at the shore
sometimes people vanish
like the wind
and you have to move on
old loyalties withdrawn
those days are gone
forevermore
those days are gone


Thursday, December 7, 2017

forevermore 3


it's different now
you're on the west side of the river
in a big shiny building
that always looks brand new
winter's coming
it's so cold that I could shiver
when I think about the changes
from the world we once knew
still, it might be good to stay friends
maybe go have coffee
like we always did before
but I can tell
those times are at an end
and those days are gone
forevermore

so much to do
business is, as they say, really booming
it's supply and demand
and you do what you must do
I'd like to tell you
that my life is improving
but looking at my clothes
I guess you know it's not true
still, it might be good to stay friends
maybe grab a beer
at that brewery next door
but we won't ask those questions
confirming where or when
those days are gone 
forevermore

send me a text
let me know you're still living
yeah, time moves on
with new spaces left to fill
I send my best
have fun there in the city
you say we'll see each other 
but I know we never will
still, it might be good to stay friends
we could meet for a bite
at that place by the store
sometimes people vanish
in the wind
and you just move on
those days are gone
forevermore


the dog song


I don't have a girlfriend
I don't have a boyfriend
but I ain't no hermit, no
sometimes I enjoy friends
but I never have to see them
ever again
'cause I got me a dog

his nose is cold
his coat is furry
he's a funny kind of dog
a canine Bill Murray
lately I don't feel
any need to worry
'cause I got me a dog

          I'm doing fine 
          no, I don't mind
          the people I don't see
          in fact, get those human beings
          the hell away from me

la dolce vita
I'm enjoying it
dog se├▒oritas 
the kibbles and bits
I don't even mind
picking up his shit
'cause I got me a dog
'cause I got me a dog


Wednesday, December 6, 2017

forevermore 2


it's different now
you work on the west side of the river
in a big shiny building
that always looks brand new
I know you're busy
it's so cold that I could shiver
when I think about 
how the world has changed
from the world we once knew
still, it might be good to stay friends
maybe go have coffee
like we used to before
please don't tell me
those times are at an end
and those days are gone
forevermore

so much to do
business is, as they say, booming
it's supply and demand
and you do what you must do
I'd like to tell you
that my life also is improving
but I'd be lying through my teeth
but I guess that's what I'm supposed to do
still, it might be good to stay friends
maybe grab a beer
at that brewery next door
please don't let on
that friendship disappears
and those days are gone 
forevermore

send me a text
let me know you're still living
yeah, time moves on
with new spaces left to fill
tell all I send my best
have fun there in the city
you say we'll see each other later
but you know we never will
still, it might be good to stay friends
we could meet for a bite
at that place by the store
sometimes people vanish
like dying stars in the night
it's time to move on
those days are gone
forevermore

disappeared


nobody hears me when I speak
no one takes notice that I'm here
I can do anything I want to
because in their minds I've disappeared


Tuesday, December 5, 2017

there is no good news


there is no good news
I'm sorry to say
if you want some good news
you should call it a day
'cause good news is something
that all of us lack
it's the human condition
we believe good news will come back

if you're craving bad news
there's plenty of that
in fact, all that bad news
is simply old hat
'cause bad news is common
to find it ain't hard
you can start by looking
in your own back yard

but still we look
for a fuckin' silver lining
in the grayest of skies
we believe the sun is shining
somewhere else and
tomorrow's our turn
sometimes I wonder
when will we learn?

there is no good news
your dreams you should shelve
there is no good news
I keep telling myself
there is no good news
move along
there ain't nothing to see
there is no good news
so why do I disagree

(inspired by a comment by Marc Maron)


Monday, December 4, 2017

front door


don't make me go out there
I beg of you
please
can't you understand
that I got this disease
I've seen all I can
and I can't see no more
don't make me go out
the front door

the world can do
without me today
it's best that I stay
far, far, far far away
there's national geographic
if I need to explore
please don't make me leave
keep shut the front door

          I don't believe I need to know
          I'm going to look around it though

the way that I feel
I can't really explain
except here inn my room
is where I must remain
today
tomorrow
forevermore
please don't make me
go out the front door


Sunday, December 3, 2017

fist meets bone


when fist meets bone
you hear a crack
you see it coming
you're under attack
but it's not so much
the damage done
it's that it came
from flesh and blood

when fist meets bone
in families
it's an untreatable
disease
you can't see it
but its always there
you can never
be prepared
you can never
be prepared

when fist meets bone
when you're the kid
you're first in line
when it's time to get hit
it's the family way
it's home sweet home
you never forget
when fist meets bone


Saturday, December 2, 2017

full speed ahead


it's full speed ahead
but I don't know how to do it
you say there's nothing to it
but for me it's step by step
it's backwards and forwards
and backwards again
I want destinations
allI get are dead ends
I'll see you up front 
I'll be back here instead
taking my detours
full speed ahead

there ain't no straight like
there's ain't no pirate map
and between you and me
all this philosophy 
is a heap of crap
you're just always searching
you're looking to go
on some spiritual journey
where the fuck, I don't know
the road I've been heading
the lights are all red
while you tail gate behind me
full speed ahead

yeah, it's full speed ahead
I've heard it all before
yada yada yada
forgive me if I snore
me, I've had my daydream
with disappointment attached
let's drink to forgotten failures
here's to me
down the hatch
you'll forget this tired face
but remember what I said
he who hopes has a price to pay
but anyway
full speed ahead


Friday, December 1, 2017

because you asked


how am I?
you know better than to ask that question
the answer's clear
by the way, did I forget to mention
that it's all going bad
the world is so fuckin' sad
any hope I ever had
is disappearing
I am fearing
everything I feel

how am I?
well, I'm sure glad that weed is legal
in the northwest
'cause smoking weed is all I ever do
because life hurts too much
simply living is too rough
let me up, I've had enough
of this existence
I need assistance
in everything I feel

how am I?
it's safe to say that I'm extremely pissed
what about?
it's best to ask my therapist
so now you're in quite a jam
I'm sure now that you're really glad
you asked me how I am
and I've told you the truth
better get out while you can
you'd better make your move
because it's sad but true
when you ask how are you
to the likes of me
I might tell you what's real
and that's not something
you want to hear or see

but, in other words,
I'm fine
thanks for asking
now I have a question, too
how
are
you?


Thursday, November 30, 2017

old friends like me


all my old friends are way too busy
to pay attention to old friends like me
there are matters of utmost importance
and everything's always an emergency
so I sit in my apartment
and pretend that it's all okay
who needs the burden
of friendship anyway
there's a world of adventure
and plenty of world to see
and there's no need for you
to have old friends like me

maybe I'll see you around
if I ever see you at all
but chances are you're just too busy
to look at my emails or return my calls
god damn my self pity
god damn this whole fucking mess
god damn this whole city
god damn loneliness
still in the back of my mind
there's still a possibility
but that's just plain stupid
there's no need for old friends like me


Wednesday, November 29, 2017

forevermore


it's different now
you work on the west side of the river
in a big shiny building
that always looks brand new
I know you're busy
it's so cold that I could shiver
when I think about 
how the world has changed
from the world we once knew
still, it would be good to stay friends
maybe go out for coffee
like we used to before
please don't tell me
those days are gone
forevermore

so much to do
business is, as they say, really booming
it's supply and demand
and you do what you must do
I'd like to tell you
that my life also is improving
but I'd be lying through my teeth
but I don't want to say what's true
still, it would be good to stay friends
maybe grab a beer
at that brewery next door
please don't tell me
those days are gone 
forevermore

send me a text
let me know you're still living
yeah, the world is crazy
I don't believe what we've become
tell all I send my best
have fun there in the city
I guess we all get lonely
but we can't tell anyone
still, it would be good to stay friends
we could meet for a bite
at that place by the store
please don't tell me
those days are gone
forevermore


Tuesday, November 28, 2017

learning how to breathe


I am learning how to breathe
I thought it was automatic
I am learning how to breathe
to rid my head of static
I am paying attention
to every in and out
did I ever mention
I'm not sure what this is about

I am trying to relax
I always thought it was sinful
my size of relaxing
is a big as a thimble
I am making connections
I am trying to destress
just what I am accomplishing
is anybody's guess

(why do you
have to accomplish anything?)

I am growing in some way
although I can't define it
but it's a big field for learning
I might as well mine it
at much as it kills me
I need to start to believe
that life is worth living
I am learning how to breathe