Monday, July 24, 2017

so trusting anymore

you rejected me
you abandoned me
and now you want me
to forget
someday I might
in some other life
in other words
it hasn't happened yet
I hate the longing for revenge
I hate being so mad
I don't know how I'm gonna move on
all I know is that I can
and I must
but I won't be
so trusting anymore


Sunday, July 23, 2017

flyover states

I took a wrong way turn 
on a dead end road
on my journey back to you
hit every icy curve
and now I have the nerve
to do what I was born to do

I downed a shot of gin
my favorite medicine
and my courage came into view
now I'm heading down
finally freedom bound
on my journey back to you

          out here on heaven's highway 
          where you'll see no vultures
          seeing everything I've never known
          driving through the
          flyover states
          with nowhere left to go

Saturday, July 22, 2017

I'm not believing in myself like I should

farmboy! It's been ages since I've heard from you!

Yeah, I know, man, I'm sorry. I've had emotional problems -- big, major emotional problems.

About what?

Mainly anger, I guess. I don't handle bad news well and I got some really bad news -- which I don't really want to get into -- and I, let's say, had a setback. I ended up being glue for myself, in that my job was to simply keep myself together. Which I did. It's the one victory.

That's quite a victory, actually.

It is. Thank you.

I didn't do any self-harm. That's the most important thing. My eating and exercise went to fuckin' hell and I smoked a lot of weed. I mean, there's some self-harm there, to be sure, but not like taking your wooden cane and beating yourself over the head with it.

That's really dangerous, farmboy.

I know. I talked to my therapist about it. That was another thing. He was on vacation when this all happened.

That's hard.

Yes it is. It was a relief when he came back. 

So I'm working on getting back on my feet, in a way. It's slow and frustrating and I'm not believing in myself like I should. I'm, like, super fragile. Really, really vulnerable.

But I'm, you know, playing guitar and getting back into exercise and doing stuff on the banjo. Someday I'll actually have enough concentration to read a book or watch a movie.

You're working at it, farmboy. Let me know if I can help.

I will, man. You've helped already.

Friday, July 21, 2017

song w/Tom Yager

she sees her destiny 
in the shape of clouds
she has faith in superstition
she gets her way 
with what's not allowed
her history is mostly fiction
her convenient loss of memory
a hand with no other's hand to hold
she swears she's not the enemy
I say can't you see
our love is growing cold

I see a fierce intent in her eyes
a highway drive
with an expensive toll
she cannot compromise
doll, you take first prise
but this shit is getting old
it's good you don't own a gun
it ain't no fun
no trace of amusement
while you're getting all fixed up
I get mixed up
totally confused and

          I am crossing into the opposite lane
          a car crash on a narrow road
          straight into oncoming headlights
          burning into my soul
          burning into my soul

Thursday, July 20, 2017

my fitness pal

you are my fitness pal
I take you everywhere
as I shuffle down the street
as I climb up the stairs
I am always aware
that you keep track of me
oh fitness pal
my fitness pal
I cringe at what you see

you are my fitness pal
you're more than just an app
anyone who thinks I'm wrong
is full of crap
you always adapt
to every move I make
but fitness pal
my fitness pal
I could do with less 
of my mistakes

          I know you're watching me
          I feel your energy
          must you always be
          telling me
          the cold, hard truth

you are my fitness pal
I enter facts to you
you help me see the path
of which I never had a clue
you know what to do
and you do it very well
so thank you,
my fitness pal
for helping me
help myself

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

all the way down

don't walk
too close
to the edge
of the cliff
'cause I just might
push you off
since I met you
I've kept my feelings hid
but I'm afraid
I've had enough
don't walk 
too close
to the edge
of the cliff
'cause that cliff
is too far 
from solid ground 
and I know that
you'll hear me laughing
all the way down

          oh, revenge
          that's what I think of
          when I see you 
          on the edge
          the sweetest sound
          and I know 
          I'll be feeling righteous
          all the way down

Tuesday, July 18, 2017


I want to see them 
topple down
straight in line 
one by one
like dominoes
off the coffee table
in the living room
when your parents
are away

the illusion of food

in these hard times
in this great land
it helps sometimes
to have a plan
no cash but I'm
in a hungry mood
in times like these 
all I have to eat
is the illusion of food

I have only ten dollars
for the grocery store
it buys less and less
all I want is more
I want full cupboards
a fridge of week old fruit
in times like these
a poor man needs
the illusion of food

          I want packs of pork Top Ramen
          generic mac and cheese
          widen those hips
          with potato chips
          white rice and pinto beans
          lots of ketchup on everything
          no, I don't think that's rude
          it's not enough
          I need more stuff
          I want the illusion of food

          food glorious food
          lately it's only for rich folks
          my life is but a stupid joke
          that's uncalled for and crude

in these hard times
in the USA
there's tons of food
that's thrown away
to some place where
it all disappears
hold on, mister
bring it right here
be a pal
hey, come on, dude
in times like these
I say pretty please
I need the illusion of food

Monday, July 17, 2017

face in the mirror

I looked at my face in the mirror
and my eyes were young and scared
and somewhere inside
I saw innocence hiding
that I didn't know was there
I wanted to reassure myself
"you're in the company of friends"
by the face in the mirror
would not let me in

Sunday, July 16, 2017

eyes bloodshot and blurry

don't be afraid
don't worry
it's here now
but it will leave
eyes bloodshot
and blurry
but you've got magic
up your sleeve

Saturday, July 15, 2017

yes in a world of no (possible bridge)

trouble always follows me
no matter where I go
still I keep on searching
for yes in a world of no
yes in a world of no

Friday, July 14, 2017


here's a list of stuff
I cannot do
because it 
reminds me of you:
like, there was a show
that we both liked
it had big laughs by the score
then you vanished
out of sight
I don't watch that program anymore

Thursday, July 13, 2017

the devil's never satisfied

ain't no luck
like bad luck
'cept more bad luck
and it's always coming
following you
swallowing you
it's a rendezvous
worth absolutely nothing

     there's always a price to pay
     makes no difference what you say
     go ahead and say it anyway
     but it's only stubborn pride
     taking you for a ride
     the devil's never satisfied  

glue 2

today you are glue
attempting to mend
upended broken pieces
try your best to listen to
the lessons learned
and everything it has to teach us
you know it's wrong
and it ain't fair
protect yourself
from yourself
pretend there's no one there
it's now all up to you
be like glue

Wednesday, July 12, 2017


today I am glue
it is my job
to keep myself together
the damage I can do
to myself
is not a sign of getting better
accept you're sick
treat it like the flu
take your meds 
go to bed
there's nothing you can do
but be glue

haiku of truth

I am sentenced to
solitary confinement
have been so since birth

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

mr. glue

glad to meet you
you can call me mr. glue
my job is holding myself together
all the people who I am
have no idea what to do
so I'm stuck with you
in the hope that you feel better

Monday, July 10, 2017

the town I called home

I vaguely remember
the roar of the ocean
the cry of the seagulls
water and foam
every September
school would be starting
from college to kindergarten
in the town I called home

Sunday, July 9, 2017

which way to go

I don't watch TV
I don't listen to the radio
I'm hanging 'round the trainyard
waiting for that lonesome whistle to blow
I don't know why I think
it'll bring me something I don't know
ain't it a son-of-a-bitch
when you can't decide which way to go

I don't need no doctor
to warn me 'bout my mental heath
I'd say:
Doc, my brain's acting strange
it's insane what remains of myself
I'm rolling again
as the planet spins out of control
throwing its hissy fits
when you can't decide which way to go

Saturday, July 8, 2017

the observer

you don't know me
but I know you
I've been watching
everything you do
I know where you live
I know where you work
snd I've been looking
for someone to hurt

          I'm the observer
          I live my life unknown
          I'm the observer
          I don't get to have
          a life of my own
          I'm the observer

Friday, July 7, 2017

just in case

I should buy this coffee cup
with the pastel painting
of the state of Mississippi
just in case
I clean this place
and have some people over
I should buy this photo of 
people's park
back when it was full of hippies
just in case
if my neighbor came
I'd have some stuff to show her

          I should clean up someday
          throw all this crap away
          what if somebody drops in?
          what if I make a friend?

I should buy this cowboy shirt
and a bolo tie
made of turquoise and leather
just in case
I leave my place
and go out to the city
or maybe I'll take plan B
looks like it might rain
and we're in for lousy weather
just in case
I should be safe
getting wet ain't so pretty

          I should dress up nice
          go out once or twice
          I don't want to be rude
          but I could use some solitude

Kingman, Arizona

I had landed in a jail cell
in Kingman, Arizona
the victim of a four-night drunk
and more bad luck
waiting everywhere

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

in the times when I have hope

in the times when I have hope
(which isn't very often)
my defenses start to shake
and my heart begins to soften
I can picture opportunities
I never thought I'd know
and consult my own map and compass
to see which direction to go
I can rise from my usual plateau
in the times when I have hope

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

different towns

man, the songs we used to sing
we sure did sing them, one by one
singing at the break of day
to another rising of the sun
I miss your voice in harmony
I'm imagining the sound
'cause I still hear you in my heart
though we live in different towns

Monday, July 3, 2017

make believe conversation

you will be my friend
even if you aren't 
because I've
all your words by heart
what should we discuss?
where should I start?
in my make believe conversation

I'll tell you 'bout my history
I'll tell you 'bout my dreams
I'll tell you 'bout
my deepest doubts
my bouts with Benzedrine 
I'll talk to almost anyone
except a real human being
in my make believe conversation

Sunday, July 2, 2017

consolation prize

I always win the consolation prize
my dreams of being number one
always go up in smoke
the winner always smiles
thanks Jesus and the family
and I always feel like
a punchline of some stupid joke

baby steps 2

          I want to rearrange the alphabet
          move from step C to X
          which is as hard as you can get
          when taking baby steps

I'm so fuckin' tired
of taking baby steps
it makes me mad
I'm really pissed
'cause I finally figured out
maybe baby steps 
are all there is
you'll never reach 
your idea of perfection
be glad you're moving
in the right direction
maybe baby steps
are all there is

Saturday, July 1, 2017

baby steps

I'm so fuckin' tired
of taking baby steps
I want to jump
I want to run
but all I ever do
is take baby steps
and that ain't any fun

nothing drives me crazy
like baby steps
I want to race
without a pause
when people say
"just take baby steps"
I want to punch them 
in the shnozz 

          I don't need any interference
          with how I live my life
          you could put your advice on clearance
          but I will not recognize
          what you are saying

I don't need
no stinking baby steps
it's getting old
you must admit
you can take 
your baby steps
and stick them in
baby shit

Friday, June 30, 2017

everything's wrong with you

everybody loves to criticize
and lately their target is you
you just can't please anyone
no matter whatever work you do
you may think I'm kidding
but I swear, every word I say is true
everybody knows what's right
and everything's wrong with you

Thursday, June 29, 2017

open door to nowhere

they told me I was walking through
an open door to nowhere
I call it opportunity
they call it foolish pride
I may only have this one chance
and I want to go where
I have a chance to heal
and leave my yesterdays behind

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

random companion

you were my random companion
you didn't know my name
but you came
and you stayed
just the same
l remember you in moonlight
how did you ever know
that you would save my life

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

what I learned from you

remember me
I used to be your friend
or so you said
and I believed every word
remember me
I don't mean 
to bug you once again
but I'm still here
I'm still here
but I'm not waiting anymore
I don't trust like I did before
I keep everyone at arm's length
my spirit's lost its footing
and can't find its strength
and my mind still has no clues
this is what I learned from you
this is what I learned from you

Monday, June 26, 2017

The stuff that holds me back

Hey, man, I'm sorry I haven't been around. I've been having issues with anger lately, complete rages that explode out of control. I spoke to my psychologist today and I'm going to speak to him and my psychiatrist Wednesday. I'm taking care of this. I'm taking care of a lot of fuckin' things, but they all take time.

What do you mean, farmboy?

I'm trying to transform myself, basically. I'm trying toi be the person I really am instead off the person I've trained myself to be.

So I've been taking care of physical problems, emotional problems, weight, depression, isolation, lack of relationships, loneliness, anxiety, that kind of stuff. (laughs)  The stuff that holds me back.

Holds you back from what, farmboy?

From being myself.

That's so sad, farmboy.

That's my fuckin' life, man.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

open windows

inspired by The Hotel New Hampshire by John Irving

you've got to get obsessed 
and keep obsessed 
and keep passing the open windows
you need to quit fighting those petty, silly wars
you've got to get obsessed 
and keep obsessed 
and keep passing the open windows
that's the only way to open doors

Saturday, June 24, 2017

more cheetos

if I had known
how depressed I was gonna be
when I got home
I would have taken out 
an extra loan
and bought more cheetos


it's been a long, long night
in this Greyhound station
waiting for my ship to come in
smuggling stuff 
is my occupation
do you have any needs, my friend?
they call me pharmacy
allow me to explain
Walgreen's should be my middle name
if you need anything, man,
call me in
if you're in need
satisfaction guaranteed
from the dust of magic
to plain ol' low-priced weed
I've got results from 
the finest seeds
no need for alarm, you see
now that Pharmacy's in town

Thursday, June 22, 2017

summer comes

summer comes
ain't nothing you can do about it
even though you want thunderstorms
and hurricanes and snow
summer comes
you can try to ignore it
but summer's gonna follow you
anywhere you go
I know you feel bad, baby
and you don't want to feel good
but I know that you're thinking maybe
you ain't living life the way you should

summer comes
like a bonfire on the sand
near where the ocean meets the land
and old men with fishing poles
summer comes
with a snippet of a song
speeding by on a back road
full volume on the car stereo
I know you're feeling bad, honey
and joy's nowhere to be found
but wait till you hit the ground running
feet flying off the ground

summer comes
believe me
even though you can't believe it's true
it's still happening to you
summer comes

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

my inappropriate behavior

I would like to introduce you to
my inappropriate behavior
I'm trying to communicate
but words are not my friend
I think that I should warn you
sometimes I put myself in danger
but I'm not another stranger
who'll betray you in the end

I'm sorry you have to put up with
my inappropriate behavior
but I have no other choice
I do not own a native tongue
I don't have a number
and I cannot claim a name here
my inappropriate behavior
has merely just begun

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

hombre, ven aqui

I was born by candlelight
in a shotgun shack
by the Mexican border
all my life I've known who I am
I'm an American
on the side of law and order
I got a wife and I got three kids
plenty of food in the cupboard and fridge
every night I patrol the bridge
that goes one way and not the other
hombre, ven aqui,
escuchar a mi
I'll set you free, my brother

I will give you water
I will give you beans
we've got an extra room and
I know why you're here
look, you don't have to fear
ese, this is only human
you're safe here and you can see
we'll treat you as family
you're a lucky man to have found me

Monday, June 19, 2017

finding my temper (the prisoner of sausage)

I'm finding my temper
I wish it weren't so
I already lost it
a little while ago
but it's come back
holding me hostage
like a pizza possesses
its prisoner of sausage
in hot mozzarella
and marinara sauce
that's how my temper
lets me know who's boss
I may have a big temper
but it's plain to see
that my temper thinks
it's the owner of me

I'm finding my temper
it's starting to complain
that there's not enough space
left in my worn out brain
my temper thinks,
more often than not,
that my brain's the result
of whiskey and pot
but self-medication 
is more fun than pain
and it don't matter to me
if memories remain
I may have a mean temper
that must be numbed so
otherwise I'm the target
when it wants to explode

I'm finding my temper
I'm tired of this
remember when Christ
was betrayed by a kiss?
well, I ain't no Jesus
but I pray this will pass
and I think my temper 
can go and kiss it's own ass
I say
don't run away
don't you try to hide
'cause, boy, you see,
I need you on my side
maybe I have a temper
but I'm trying to believe
that my temper 
is the employee
and it works for me

Sunday, June 18, 2017


I have to get out of here
I can't be so alone anymore
but each time I try to leave
trouble deadbolts the door

Saturday, June 17, 2017

indoor cat

I feel so bad for you, old friend
staring out at the world
through a locked screen door
I wish every now and then
I could set you free
let you go explore
but that's not up to me
it's the ones that buy your food
they told me that
despite your longing to be free
it's not to be
you an indoor cat

your folks are on vacation
they're having lots of fun
flying the friendly skies
they're demanding and impatient
focused on fancy food
pomme frites, not French fries
leaving you at home once more
with another old pet sitter
who's eating all the chocolate in the house
I want to unlock the door
and let you enjoy the nightlife
catting around and eating filet of mouse

but, alas, you are a prisoner
of the bourgeois suburban life
trading freedom for cat food everyday
but I'm a very good listener
and I've got open ears
if you've got anything to say
don't run away and hide
I'm just sitting on this sofa 
made of fake wood and phony leather
come sit here by my side
and let me stroke your fur
and we'll watch Netflix together

pretend you're my friend

pretend you're my friend
I'll even pay you
you call call me on the telephone
it doesn't have to be long
I won't delay you
right now I can't take being alone

make believe you know me
like I'm your brother
listen, please do me this favor
you don't have to show me
I'm sorry to bother you
I'll be on my best behavior


Friday, June 16, 2017

your hometown (rest of first draft)

look at all the little tweakers
strung out beyond belief
wearing stolen sneakers
and missing half their teeth
it's hell to have a habit
that your body just won't quit
but sometimes you need to have it
when your hometown turns to shit

          ever since they closed the factory
          it's cigarettes and beer
          in this land of opportunity
          the road don't pass through here

somewhere there's a highway
that right now I can't see
there's a bus that's going my way
with a space that's meant for me
come graduation day
I guess I'll find out where I fit
when I decide if I need to stay
when your hometown turns to shit


when your hometown turns to shit (possible bridge)

it was just fine
when I was eight and nine
when I had my dreams
now it sucks to be
a lifelong used-to-be
at a failure at only seventeen

Thursday, June 15, 2017

when your hometown turns to shit

wipers refuse to work
and the rain's pouring down
and I'm driving like a jerk
in this one-horse town
but it doesn't really matter
there's nothing good to hit
ain't nothing sadder than
when your hometown turns to shit

no good way of feeling
nothing left to do
except stare at your ceiling 
after you sniff that glue
smoke that ganja
breathe in deep
more than a little bit
you need mucho marijuana
when your hometown turns to shit

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

all day long (I stare @ screens)

all day long
I stare at screens
I get lost inside
it makes me oddly satisfied 
I may be undignified
but I'm never alone
I am tethered to my phone
all day long

Tuesday, June 13, 2017


look around
same old town
all my tall hopes
sliding down
they'd bury me
if they had the chance

I change my old
point of view
try to see it
as brand new
but it's still the same
old song and dance

          I'm frozen inside
          this roller coaster ride
          hands stiff on the rail
         with a hellhound on my trail

I drink the wine
I take the pills
that's all I have
to cure what's ill
I believe 
I've met my match

Monday, June 12, 2017

calm now

I am calm now
I don't know how long this will last
no need for alarm now
the storm somehow has passed
all those emotions
are finally getting rest
from their devotion
to putting me to the test
I try to do my best
I am calm now
no longer stranded in the wilderness
I've not no qualms now
although it's anybody's guess
look at the lessons I've learned
I am calm now
but I know my disease will return

Sunday, June 11, 2017


I am the bullet that you dodged
I am the bond that's disconnected
I am a voice to be ignored
I am the one that you rejected
I am the person who's been judged
to be unworthy and unwanted
I am a ghost in a house 
that no one believes is haunted

I am transparent as Scotch tape
nobody knows I'm here
I don't exist to anyone
I was born to disappear

I am the bullet that you dodged
there is no need to know me
I'm up here walking on a wire
and there is no net below me
there is no one that will notice
there is no one that would care
if I crashed into earth below
I'd find nobody there

I am as transparent as Scotch tape
nobody sees me here
I don't exist to anyone
I was born to disappear

Saturday, June 10, 2017


I was held hostage by your anger
until it made my thinking sick
it was like a bomb exploding
that nobody would predict
I learned the way I walked
the way I talked
the way I thought were wrong
but I mainly learned
it was all my fault
and that I didn't belong

Friday, June 9, 2017

let the carbohydrates begin

my life is disgusting
oh, woe is me
I've never felt so much
pain and misery
I'm sad and I'm lonely
and I just can't fuckin' win
let the carbohydrates begin