Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Very very blessed

It is an amazingly beautiful day outside. Haven't really been out in it, but, man, it is as perfect as you can get.

So why aren't you out in it, farmboy? Why are you inside?

I'm going to go outside.


Hey, I was outside yesterday!

Yeah? What did you do?

I went to the beach.

You went to the beach? The farmboy who never goes outside? Mr. Antisocial?

I go outside, c'mon. I live in an fuckin' apartment, it gets tough. And hey, I went out to the coast with my sister-in-law, her mother, and my niece. Day before that I went to see my friend Matt. We hung out on the front porch and talked and played music and played each other our new songs. And tomorrow I'm going to the coffeehouse for their songwriters' night. Day after that I'm taking my niece to see Toy Story 3 at the movies. July 4th I'm going to an actual get-together party type thing. No gruff from you,Mr. know-it-all interviewer guy!

That's all really good. I'm glad for you, I'm proud of you, and what about today?

I'm going to go outside and play guitar or read or something. I'm making soup and I'm putting lots of vegetables in it. I really want to eat better.

What about going for a walk or doing something physical?

I need to do that, too. Man, I really need to start doing that. I should do that.

Soup should be ready pretty soon. It's not hot today, should be a good day for soup.

So, did you have fun at the beach?

Yeah,, it was good. I rode in the back with my niece. She was makin' up songs, let me tell you. She has the gift. I remember what that was like. Actually, it's still like that for me. I don't know if I can't make up songs. Seems to be my way of communicating.

And that's a good thing.

Oh, very good. I'm very very thankful. I'm very very blessed. Some people don't know their passion in life. Me, I have tons of fuckin' problems -- mental illness,money problems, some health things -- but I know my fuckin' passion in life. Man, I lucked out, I got to be a songwriter and musician.

And your niece...

You know, we'll see. My job as Uncle farmboy is to support her in whatever she chooses to make her life, whatever her true passion creatively is. It could be any number of things, and any combination of things. She gets to explore and that's really wonderful. It's my job to provide recordings and books and that kind of thing.

But I'm so pleased and proud that she has the love for music in her. As well as natural talent. No matter what she does, her life will be better because of her natural ability and love for music.

You know, I feel like every child has natural ability in music. That's part of my job as an educator, I guess. Not that I want to talk about my job. But I think it's important.

You would know.

Hey, today's my mother's birthday! I can play songs she likes. "Wildwood Flower" by the Carter Family, Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now."

(laughs) Everything turns into music with you, farmboy.

Yeah. I'm a lucky guy.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Ain't nothin' dramatic

So, how was the folk festival?

It was a really good time, thanks for asking. It was sorta overwhelming, in a good way. There was so much happening that I think it's gonna be a little while before it all sinks in. I also mean that in a good way, because it ain't nothin' dramatic, you know? It was just seeing all these friends and hearing all this good music and, damn, I know a lot of talented people, and they're all growing so much. I am so proud of them.

And how was your performance?

It was generally good, and I got a good response. There are some things, stage-patter-wise, that I would do over, but nothing super major.

The whole day was a very good day, and it took kind of a toll on me...

In what way?

Oh, nothing dramatic. I'm just very tired, have been all day long. So far, this summer's been pretty social, also in a good way. That's a very good thing.

I agree.

I can get so fuckin' weird if I'm isolated too long. It's kinda difficult for me because I'm, like, an introvert and a real solitary person, but I still need to be social. So it's been good that I've been seeing people. It's very good.

So listen, I've been tired so I'm going say good night, Talk with you tomorrow?

Sure thin, farmboy. I'm glad it went well.

Thanks. It's good to have friends. Hey, and thanks for being one. Seriously.

Thanks, farmboy.

Good night, pal.

Friday, June 25, 2010

My best, basically

You're playing at a folk festival tomorrow!

I am! How'd you know that?

I saw your name on a poster downtown. Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't tell you?

Maybe you did. Anyway, congratulations! What are you going to play?

I'm going to play songs I wrote, except for "Train Wreck at Los Gatos (Deportee)," which is a Woody Guthrie song. The music was written by a man named Martin Hoffman. It's a beautiful melody and Woody wrote beautiful words.

Are you looking forward to it, farmboy?

Yeah. Yeah I am. This is what I've always wanted to do, play folk music festivals. I want to hear other people and see friends and have a good time and maybe get inspired or something. Music has been good to me lately. I'm in such a good mood when the music is going well and I'm being creative and stuff.

What more do you have to do?

Not much. I know what I'm gonna play. I would like to practice some more and I need to change my guitar strings. I just gotta not get nervous. I was telling you about that, wasn't I? The anxiety I feel with performing is so fuckin' dumb...

You said you were going to tell me.

Oh, man, I am so fuckin' tired of this anxiety I feel. It's all my own problem, you know, it's because I'm insecure and shit. Fuckin' pisses me off. Absolutely.

So what are you going to do tomorrow?

My best, basically. I'm volunteering at the festival doing admission and stuff, then I'm going to go home in the afternoon, go over the songs one last time, and relax and try to get my head clear.

Good idea.

Remember to breathe up there. And try to have fun.

Oh, I'm going to. I gotta not think about selling CDs and stuff like that. It's summer and good times are to be had.

And now, if you excuse me, I'm going to smoke some weed and later I'm going to eat my favorite food.

What's that?

Pad see eu. I'm hoping that's what it's called. It's this great Thai food with wide rice noodles and a spicy sauce and broccoli and I'm having beef with it, which is a real treat.

Have a great time tomorrow, farmboy. You'll be great.

Thanks, man. I'll tell you about it.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Living in squalor

Oh, man, I got worries.

Yeah, farmboy? Tell me about them.

The showerhead broke and my faucet in the kitchen area's not doing well.

So call your landlord. You live in an apartment, you know.

Yeah, but...but my apartment's a mess.

Clean it up. Jeez, farmboy, you know this stuff.

I mean it's a real mess. I'm living in squalor. This place is a pig sty!

You're serious.

It's a fuckin' mess.

So just clean it up, one thing at a time. You're just panicking.


Yes. You do that from time to time. It never gets you anywhere, but you still do it.

I've been at a training for work the last couple days to make some extra money. The instructor mentioned a couple times that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.


I do that a lot. Fuckin' pisses me off.

So try different things. (laughs) Like action instead of worrying, in this case.


Pick up a piece of trash and put it in a bag to be taken out to the trash. Then pick up, say, five things. Repeat that for say, ten minutes. See what you get done.

(sighs) Okay. I'll clean this place up.

You don't want to be insane, do you?

I guess not.

Anything else, farmboy?


See you tomorrow, farmboy.

Later, man.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Prove myself to myself

So, farmboy, what's on your mind today?

My older brother out in Southern California offered to buy me either a plane ticket to go to the family reunion or an air conditioner.

That's nice of him.

Oh, he's a great guy, an astounding guy. Not just for that, but for lots of stuff. He was fire chief in Ventura County, just retired. I'm very proud of him.



What's your choice?

It ain't a fuckin' air conditioner, that's for sure. I'm hoping to get up the nerve to go to my family reunion in Jamul, California.


Yeah, starts with a J that's sounds an H. It's east of San Diego. It's beautiful. I'll tell you more about it some time.

I'd like to hear it.

So, I'm thinking I should go to my family reunion. I'm thinking I really want to keep up these relationships with the people I love, you know. It would be nice to be more than just a name on fuckin' facebook.

So what's the hold-up?

Oh, self-doubt, you know. I should just fuckin' do it just to prove myself to myself.

Yes. You should.

I know,

Think about it seriously, will you? I'm saying this as your friend: There is nothing better that you can do than do this. And book some places to play. And make a solo CD to sell.

Jeez, you don't ask for much, do you?

How about if you think about these things. Or even just one of these things. Preferably the reunion trip, because that's an opportunity you don't want to pass up.

Okay. I'll think about this stuff.

I want you to see what you're comfortable doing, farmboy.

I'd like to see that too.

Monday, June 21, 2010

This new fuckin' coping mechanism

So this friend of mine, this woman I've worked with, she's had cancer and had to go through chemotherapy like two different times because the fuckin' cancer came back. Well, I don't know the details, but the fuckin' cancer is gone. I don't know the reason why -- I don't know what treatment she was using -- but, for right now, the fuckin' cancer is gone.

That's great news.

Ain't it?

You know, if I have to refer to something as evil as cancer in what I'm saying I find it so helpful to preface everything with "fuckin'."

Yes, I've noticed, farmboy.

(ignoring the interviewer) Oh, man, I think, I really think that "fuckin'" should just automatically be part of certain words.

Such as?

You know, like the fuckin' taxes or the fuckin' mortgage or the fuckin' Republican party.

It does make it more palatable to refer to certain words or phrases like this. You're right, farmboy. You're on to something.

It feels good. Go ahead, try it.

Oh, I don't know...

Just try it, ese.

Um...those fuckin' clouds...

Clouds? Clouds? C'mon, give me a big one here, something you feel fuckin' passionately about.

Fuckin' asshole politicians who vote against health care!

Ah, good! Again?

Fuckin' anyone who harms a child!


Fuckin' BP and the bad decisions that helped cause the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico!


Fuckin' racist governor of Arizona!

Oooh, that's a good one! Can I try it?

Be my guest.

Fuckin' racist governor of Arizona! And while we're talking bigotry, how about all those people who voted against gay marriage in California?

Fuckin' proposition 8!

Very fine, my good man.

Now this is good times!

Oh man, it's fuckin' good times. Too bad we'll have lots of reasons to use this new fuckin' coping mechanism.


Sunday, June 20, 2010

Scout's honor

Ah, fuck.

Hello stranger. I was hoping I'd see you.

Well, here I am. (pauses) You know what pisses me off?

Tell me.

The fact that I feel that I deserve to be yelled at. Not just deserve, but also I kind of want to be yelled at. This is very hard for me and...this is so fuckin' hard. Fuck,

This emotional age business, it makes sense.

What would you guess your emotional age is, farmboy?

I've been thinking about this and I think the truth is that it changes to meet whatever happens in the real world. It's not too smart to go to work when you have an emotional age of, like, eight, when you wake up in the morning. So you take a shower and get dressed and make coffee and you go off and now your emotional age is, say, 45 or something, (laughs) That's what you need to be to face your job. Eight just wouldn't cut it.

What if you just couldn't do that one day?

That's what God invented sick leave for.

That's also why you need to take care of yourself, so you have the strength and stamina to get you through the day.

This conversation...fuck...

I was enjoying this conversation.

No, what I mean this conversation didn't go the way I thought it would.

What were you expecting, farmboy?

I figgered...


I figured I'd come in and you'd yell at me like I was a fuckin' teenager who stole your keys and took your fuckin' car for a fuckin' joy ride. And that's when I took it to its logical conclusion, which was that I was pissed because I figured I deserve it and want to be fuckin' yelled at. I mean, where the fuck did that shit come from? You know?

I thought the conversation would be different, too.

Really? How so?

I thought you would be angry at me and that I'd have to start walking on eggshells. Again.

I didn't know you were walking on eggshells. I'm sorry.

It's partially my fault too, you know. I wanted to do my best.

You've been great.

It's important to me that I get this right, that I can help you. So I'm trying different things and seeing what works. Which means I make mistakes.

Man, you are so fuckin' awesome, you don't know.


Just one little suggestion, okay?

(laughs) Okay.

You've gotta let me in your life a little more. I feel like I can't ask anything about you and that...that sucks, you know? I mean, you don't have to tell me everything, just something. I'm not going to interview you. I'll let you be the interviewer. Just let me get to know you.

All right. Not too much, though. The focus has to be on you.

And why's that?

It just has to. Everything you need to know you will know when it's the right time.

Well, that's a little new-agey.

(sighs) You can ask me stuff, farmboy. You got a question for me.

Just one?

For tonight. There'll be time for lots of questions.

Here's the question.

Go ahead. you like me?

I'll tell you, farmboy. I like you like a parent likes his child.


Scout's honor.

Man, I don't know what to say.

I like you too.

Friday, June 18, 2010

It's that emotional age bullshit

Hey! Welcome back! Sit down, young stranger.

Nice line. Can I have it for a song?

You'll have to ask Gordon Lightfoot about it. That's one of his songs.

Oh. Well. Anyway, In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a young man. Haven't been for several years.

Oh, you're talking about chronological age. I'm talking about your emotional age.

(sarcastically) Oh, then, it figures.

I'm not trying to insult you, farmboy. It's just that you are a young man in your emotional life.

Am not!

Are too! What I mean, farmboy, was that there are missing pieces to your psychological jigsaw puzzle...

Whatever you say, Mr. I'm-not-a-psychiatrist-I'm-just-a-fuckin'-interviewer man.

Look...Let's talk about taking meds.

Let's not and say we did. There's not much you can lecture me on that I don't already know. And, look, maybe my fuckin' emotional age is 14 or whatever...

It would be older than that, farmboy.

It's just, look, I fuckin' hate being lectured. I'd rather be hit than lectured. And who the fuck do you think you are that you have the right to lecture me like I'm a fuckin' teenager or something.

Whoa, farmboy...

Listen to you. You're so fuckin' condescending.

What is this about? Where are you coming from?

I don't wanna be lectured!

I'm not going to lecture you, farmboy. I just wanted to ask you if there's been any improvement.

Oh. Yeah. Immediately, actually.

No more noise from your eyes?

No, that's gone. You know, a lot has actually happened since we last talked. School ended yesterday. I went out with my coworkers and I had a beer and one hit of pot. I've played twice since then, one at this dive of a bar. I mean, it wasn't a bad bar, but it was a bar. People aren't there to listen to the music.

Then tonight I played another gig, over at the coffeehouse. Made 60 bucks. I am seriously thrilled about that. 60 bucks buys a lot of groceries. I played okay, but I messed up some words and...I don't want to discuss it right now, but I really need to talk some time about the anxiety I'm experiencing over performing.

But back to the meds...

I think we should look at your reaction to the possibility of talking about your meds.

I felt like I was being scolded. I felt like a little kid who is supposed to hang down his head when he hasn't done anything wrong. I didn't do this intentionally. Fuck, man, then you fuckin' yell at me like you're my dad or something. And you're not my dad.

So you felt like a little kid...

Oh, shit, it's that emotional age bullshit.

You're the one who said it, not me.

Fuck you!

Yeah? Well, fuck you, too!


Hey what?

You're not supposed to talk to me like that!

I'm going to start saying what I really think, farmboy. I'm tired of tippy-toe-ing around you. Yes, I was fuckin' mad at you because -- whether you meant to or not -- you did a fuckin' stupid thing. And you're not stupid. You know better. And I'm mad because it's fucking dangerous! You know better, farmboy. You're so much smarter than that.

You're -- you're still mad, aren't you?

Yes. And you know what?


So are you.


Look, let's talk tomorrow. I think we both need a little distance right now.

Are you saying the therapy session is now ending, Mr. I'm-not-a-psychiatrist...?

Very funny. See you tomorrow?

See you tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I'm in fuckin' trouble here

(farmboy has tears streaming down his face)

I need to talk to you. Can I talk to you?

(alarmed) farmboy, what's wrong?

Oh man. (farmboy begins crying, then starts trying to hold it back)

What's going on, farmboy?

I'm, like, all worried and stressed and...scared, man. And I'm all emotional inside and I'm, like, going to burst into something and I don't know what. And I'm overtired and my eyelids are making sounds.

Your eyelids are doing what?

It's not really my eyelids, it's more my eyeballs...

I have no idea what you mean. Tell me.

It's kinda weird, but, like, if I move my eyes one way or another I can hear my eyes moving.

Does this happen often?

No. I thought maybe it happens when my blood sugar is low or high, but I just tested it and it was good.

Anyway, I was practicing this one song and I was, like, starting to cry. And I hardly ever cry. And here I'm doing it in the song.

Do I know the song?

It goes:

I am not an orphan
I am not an orphan
I am not an orphan in this world
Though my mom and dad are gone
And I'm left to carry on
I am not an orphan in this world

Did you write that?

Depends. Do you like it?

I can see what singing that would be emotional for you.

Yeah, but I've sung it, like, hundreds of times and I don't know why...

Don't even question it, farmboy. Just feel it.

Did you hear your eyes while singing?

Not that I'm aware of. I was busy trying to fuckin' sing and I was fuckin' crying and trying not to cry.

So, on one hand you're trying to hold back emotions and on the other hand you're being emotional.

Yeah. I guess so.

Listening to your eyes...any idea why this happens.

Usually it happens after I've been off medications for awhile.

Uh...what kind of medications?

(farmboy averts his eyes and whispers)


I couldn't hear you. What...

(louder) Antidepressants.

What? farmboy, what the hell are you doing?

(starts crying) I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You're not taking your antidepressants? What the hell are you thinking, farmboy?

I called in the order later than I should have and I ran out. I got the refills in the mail today. I'll start on them again tonight, don't get mad at me. Please.

This isn't about being mad, farmboy...

But you are mad.

I'm glad you didn't stop taking them on purpose. Then I would be mad. Be honest with me. Do I have to lecture you, farmboy?

(quietly) No.


I know the dangers.

You are going to start taking them, right.

Yes sir.

(Angry) You stop smarting off. Stop right now.

(farmboy bursts into sobbing)

I'm not smarting off. That just came out. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I'm in fuckin' trouble here, man!

(The interviewer takes a deep breath)

I'm sorry, farmboy. I shouldn't have yelled at you.

That's okay.

Listen, farmboy. Take your meds, eat some supper, and get some sleep. Promise me you'll take your meds.

I will.

We'll see how you feel tomorrow.


You okay?

I feel...

Beat up?

Beat up.

You get rest, farmboy. It'll start getting better.


Starting tomorrow.

Oh, man...

You'll be okay, farmboy. You will.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Really geographical kinds of dreams

I need your help. I need to talk to you. I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. What's up, farmboy?

Today was the last day of school for the students,and I am so fuckin' tired that I can't seem to force myself to play guitar.

So? Go take a nap.

But I've got to play Thursday and Friday nights and I'm going to a songwriter group Sunday and I don't have a new song written and I should be on the computer sending out an email about the Thursday and Friday gigs and I, and I...

Stop it farmboy. You're tired. Go to bed. Nothing's going to be any good if you're that tired. You need rest. Come on, farmboy, it's been an emotional day, I'm sure, and you've been working very hard these last few weeks. That guitar will be there when you wake up. Your imagination will be sharper after you get some rest.


(Sighs) You need to go to bed, farmboy. You can listen to some music or a podcast. But you really need to rest.

But I've got all this fuckin' stuff that I've got to do and time's spinning by.

Listen to me, farmboy. Let me advise you. You can do whatever you want, but you have to get some rest. Your emotions can get strained if you don't.

Yeah, but...

(sternly) Farmboy. Go to bed.


Go to bed, farmboy. (quietly) I'll talk to you later after you get some rest. You need to take care of yourself so you can create music. So you need to get some rest, farmboy.


Have good dreams, farmboy. What would you like to dream about.

Do I have a choice in what I dream?

That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about what you want to dream of.

Uh...traveling somewhere for musical reasons with the dog we had when I was a teenager.

Would you be a teenager? You can if you want. It's your dream.

No, I would be me right now. But it would be that dog. Gordie, that was his name.

Would you travel in the USA?

No, it would be...I'm not sure where it would be. I've had these really geographical kinds of dreams like that, complete with maps and stuff. I love those dreams.

You've just planted a seed, farmboy. You may not dream that tonight, but you'll probably dream it at some point. There will always be that chance, that you'll dream about traveling with your dog for musical reasons.

I'm going to go to bed now.

Good boy. Sweet dreams.

'Good boy?' I'm a grown man. I'm not young any more.

As far as I'm concerned, farmboy, you will always be young. And you are a good boy, as far as I'm concerned.

Okay. Good night, man.

'Night, farmboy.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Listen to the lyrics

My niece said today that she really really really really really really really really loves her Uncle farmboy.

Awwwww. Three years old, right?

She'll be four next month.

That's such a great age.

Hey, do you have any kids?

Do I have any kids?

Yeah. Do you have any kids?

I'm not here to talk about me. (pauses) But, well, yeah. I have a son. He's a grown man, but I still love him like he's a little kid.


(laughs) I do! I can't help it. He became such a fine adult. I am so proud of him. (pauses) You two would become good friends. He's about your age.

He's so smart and talented and...hey, farmboy?

(gets quiet) Yeah...

You okay, farmboy?

(farmboy looks down at his shoes and kicks a pebble that's on the floor)

Hey...can you look me in the eyes, farmboy?

(farmboy sighs and looks up at the interviewer)

You miss your Dad, don't you?

Oh, yeah. I guess I got a little bit of fuckin' jealousy going too, to be honest. Can you believe that? Man, how fuckin' stupid can I get?

Just relax, breathe. It seems like you've got all these emotions coming from every directions. Just relax and know that everything is okay.


Yes. What's that song I've heard you sing? (sings)

Don't worry 'bout a thing
'Cause every little thing
Gonna be all right...

Bob Marley?

You need to listen to the lyrics to the songs you sing, farmboy. And there's no need to be jealous. You mean a great deal to me and I am very proud to know you.

(farmboy laughs) Awwwwwww.

It's true.

I could say the same thing about you.

(farmboy and the interviewer look at each other, and both speak at the same time)


Saturday, June 12, 2010

Bad influence

It's bee-oo-tee-ful outside.

You sound in a good mood.

Actually, I been feelin' kinda lonely today. And I never get lonely.

Or at least you won't admit to it.

Hey, what's that supposed to mean?

Oh, nothing. Go on, farmboy.

It's a blue sky. It's, like, 80 degrees. It's, like, people are out being social and athletic and drinking alcoholic beverages and eating nectarines and cherries and watermelon.

It's summer.

Four more days of work. Two days with students, two days working for next year. Then I perform Thursday and I perform Friday, and I go to a songwriters' get-together on Sunday. And the week after that I play a folk music festival. I should be worrying about money, and I am, but not to the extent I usually do. I have to decide whether or not I'm going to go to California and play some places and see family and go to my family reunion.

And now I'm feeling stressed because it's nice outside and summer's coming and I haven't made some plans and it's coming fast and...

And that's what you do. You stress out. Well, don't. Go get some nice alcoholic beverage and relax.

Funny you should say that, 'cause I bought beer and I hardly ever buy beer. I may not even like it. But I have it. It's not cold yet though.

But maybe I'll have some beer. It's not as much fun without fuckin' cigarettes to smoke and since I don't smoke any more...Well, I'll just have to have some beer without tobacco. We'll see. I'm actually not real big on alcohol. I'm a marijuana guy myself.

Do you ever do both?

You're being a bad influence!

You could use some bad influence sometimes. Always worrying, always questioning, always fretting about something. Go on vacation tonight. You don't have to drink, but I want you to settle down and stop worrying, farmboy.

What's for dinner tonight?

Supper's gonna be hot dogs. Turkey hot dogs. I bought a watermelon, I have beer, I have sparkling water...

It is summer!

Well, according to my refrigerator it is.

I think I'm going to go outside and read or play guitar for a while.

While the beer's getting cold?

There's that bad influence again. Should I go get a pack of fuckin' Marlboros to go with the beer?

No. I'm not that bad an influence. Just relax. No guilt, no worries...

Just beer and weed and hot dogs and the guitar.

I didn't mention the guitar.

You don't need to. There's always the guitar. That's a constant.

A constant what?

Just a constant.

Constant is an adjective. It's a modifier.

Okay, the guitar is a constant thing. Happy now?

See? I can be a good influence.

Thanks for the bad influence, by the way. I do need a bad influence in my life. I just didn't think it would be you.

Glad to be of service.

Should I read or play guitar?

Play a song on guitar. Outside.

You got it.

Then you can read if you want. What are you reading?

This book about taking a road trip with David Foster Wallace.

Is it good?

Yeah, it is.

You've got a lot of stuff. A book, a guitar, beer, marijuana...

I got rhythm. Who could ask for anything more?

You could ask for an end to loneliness.

I got everything but the girl. I could really, really dig falling in love over the summer and having some of that summertime sex.

Whoa! Farmboy talking about sex?

I'm kinda horny, I'll admit. But, fuck, I'd love to fall in love. I hope it's not too late.

It's never too late.

Yeah, but I'm so fuckin' neurotic. Seriously.

Don't think about stuff like being neurotic!

Okay. How about erotic then?

That'll work.

There you go, being a bad influence again.

And I need that. Thanks, amigo.

Now, let me see if that beer is cold yet...