Forcing myself to have hope

Look, man, I'm sorry about my state of mind lately. Yesterday I just was in this anxiety state where I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry.

It's okay, farmboy. It's more than okay. It gave me this glimpse into you, into what you call your "mental illness." It must be a living hell for you when...I'm not sure how to put it...

It is mental illness. I know this.

What happens is that I become somebody really...out of control. And it is a frightening thing after it's gone. It feels like I have no control over it. It fuckin' escalates and escalates and...it's like I sort of "wake up;" I de-escalate, I guess. And hope that I haven't done too much damage to other people or myself.

It's fucked. It's really fucked. Nobody can have any idea what it's like.

I'm sorry, farmboy.

We're just sorry creatures, aren't we?

I just wanted to apologize. I didn't want to leave for California without talking to you.

California? That's right, I remember now -- you're going to your family reunion at your sister's place.

Santa Paula, California. I love that town. I spent a lot of time there in happier days, when i was younger. When life had promise.

You have happy days in front of you, farmboy.

I don't know, man. I just don't know anymore, and that scares me. I feel like I'm forcing myself to have hope, and that all the evidence is pointing the other way. The hopeless way. I feel like all my trying is in vain. I mean, I'm kinda back to normal now, but hope, man...it's still so fuckin' scarce.

I feel bad, too, 'cause I get angry and then I curse. And I don't mean words like "fuck" and that kind of thing. Those are pretty fuckin' harmless. (laughs) It's, you know, taking the Lord's name in vain, that kind of stuff...

You don't think God can handle that?

Oh, I know He can, but...I don't know...

God forgives you, farmboy. You, on the other hand, have a much harder time.

I know.

Did you apologize to God?

I did, yeah.

Then let it go and move on.

Okay.

You're pretty hesitant there, farmboy.

It's the best I can do, man.

Are you going to be all right to go to California, farmboy?

I think so. I almost called it off, but, fuck, what's that gonna do?

Are you packed?

Just about.

Remember to take your clonazepam...your anxiety meds.

They're in there, believe me.

And don't be afraid to take them if you need to. All right, farmboy?

I won't.

I'm serious. And take it easy down there. Don't stress yourself out unnecessarily. Be with your family. Be with your friends. These people love you.

Yeah...

There are phones there...

I'll have my cell phone with me.

Do you have a lap top?

No. I can't afford things like that, man.

Well, if you're at somebody's house checking your email, drop me a line, let me know how you're doing. Call anytime, day or night.

I will, man. Thanks.

Have fun, okay?

Okay.

Remember, even if I'm not there, I'm still with you. Just think of me supporting you.

Thanks, man.

You be good now, okay?

(farmboy starts tearing up)

It's gonna be okay, farmboy. Think of that Bob Marley song:

Don't worry about a thing

'Cause every little thing gonna be all right

Thanks, man.

Every little thing gonna be all right

Bad day.

Bad day?

A fuckin' bad and awful day.

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

Care to talk about it, farmboy?

It's just fuckin' work stuff, or, rather, lack-of-work stuff. My life currently sucks.

But I've been through shit enough to know that it passes, you know. But, fuck...I feel like, God, I don't know where this train is going but I'm hoping that you're in for the ride with me.

I've hardly ever heard you talk about God before, farmboy.

Oh, I think about God all the time. I think, for me at least, that faith is private. It's between me and God, you know, just the two of us. Nobody else needs to be notified.

I like that.

Well, that's what works for me. Plus I'm not good at discussing things like religion. And, actually, I don't even care about religion; faith is what I'm interested in.

So do you have faith that everything is gonna turn out alright?

Bob Marley!

(farmboy grabs his ukulele and begins singing)

Don't worry 'bout a thing

'Cause every little thing gonna be all right

Very good. I love that song.

Yeah. I don't trust people who don't like Bob Marley. Or the Beatles.

So?

So what, man?

Do you have faith that there is hope...that every little thing gonna be all right?

Seriously speaking...I hope so. I hope so.

Listen to the lyrics

My niece said today that she really really really really really really really really loves her Uncle farmboy.

Awwwww. Three years old, right?

She'll be four next month.

That's such a great age.

Hey, do you have any kids?

Do I have any kids?

Yeah. Do you have any kids?

I'm not here to talk about me. (pauses) But, well, yeah. I have a son. He's a grown man, but I still love him like he's a little kid.

Awwwww.

(laughs) I do! I can't help it. He became such a fine adult. I am so proud of him. (pauses) You two would become good friends. He's about your age.

He's so smart and talented and...hey, farmboy?

(gets quiet) Yeah...

You okay, farmboy?

(farmboy looks down at his shoes and kicks a pebble that's on the floor)

Hey...can you look me in the eyes, farmboy?

(farmboy sighs and looks up at the interviewer)

You miss your Dad, don't you?

Oh, yeah. I guess I got a little bit of fuckin' jealousy going too, to be honest. Can you believe that? Man, how fuckin' stupid can I get?

Just relax, breathe. It seems like you've got all these emotions coming from every directions. Just relax and know that everything is okay.

Really?

Yes. What's that song I've heard you sing? (sings)

Don't worry 'bout a thing

'Cause every little thing

Gonna be all right...

Bob Marley?

You need to listen to the lyrics to the songs you sing, farmboy. And there's no need to be jealous. You mean a great deal to me and I am very proud to know you.

(farmboy laughs) Awwwwwww.

It's true.

I could say the same thing about you.

(farmboy and the interviewer look at each other, and both speak at the same time)

Awwwwwww...