Monday, December 31, 2012

Lucky number 2013

Hey, man! Happy fuckin' new year!  Lucky number 2013!

You certainly seem happy, farmboy.

Actually, I'm being pretty low-key tonight, you know? I'm not going out and I don't really drink much. 

But, you know, I'm okay. I got a frozen pizza and a guitar and I don't go back to the fuckin' job until Wednesday. So, yeah...I am happy!

And it's a new year!

And a good new year to you, Mister Interviewer sir!

the observer #1

I am watching you
through an inside window
in a house 
on a street
across from the grammar school
I feel no cold
I cannot feel the wind blow
the world outside
may be kind or cruel

but I don't know
I can't tell
the difference
between heaven and hell
all I know 
is just myself
bone and blood
instinct and nerves

I'm the observer
I'm the observer

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Things leaving

Man, I tell you, time is just fuckin' flying.

Don't you have two full days to go, farmboy?


Aren't you complaining just a little bit early?

I guess I tend to do that. I'm kinda used to things leaving before I'm ready for them to. Even though some things -- hard times, financial struggles, loneliness -- never seem to leave.

True. Some things are a constant.

A constant what? Are you sure you have your verb/noun agreement correct?

That's our farmboy. Always with the craft of writing in mind.

What's this "our" stuff? Did you bring an imaginary friend or a ghost or someone?

You seem to be in some kind of mood today.

I'm just playing with you, man. If you had any hair, I'd tousle it.

No you wouldn't. You don't touch people very much physically, farmboy.

True. I'm reserved, man. I'm shy. I'm a fuckin' introvert.

I sure like being touched, though. I like affection, you know. And yet I'm like a solitary guy and a loner and I'm scared of people.

You know what, man?

What, farmboy?

I'm just rambling, and this conversation's getting a little too honest for me.

And that's bad?

Let's just say I need a fuckin' break from my own fuckin' static, man.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

fuckin' trouble

fuckin' trouble
always gotta come
with those messy human relations
send my mind on a permanent vacation
get me out of here
on the double
fuckin' trouble
always gotta come
never leaves me alone
broken message on the telephone
enough to make me cry uncle
fuckin' trouble

Friday, December 28, 2012

Ain't nobody who can sing like me

I have not checked my email yet. 

Is that unusual?

Yeah. Usually if I've been away from the computer that's the first thing I check. I dunno why. It's not like there's gonna be, like, any good news. In fact, I'm really apprehensive. Same with phone messages. I keep waiting for the other fuckin' shoe to drop, man. Or some stupid cliche that applies. 

There's the farmboy I know!

Shit, man, it's true. It's the family panic. We all have it. Well, I don't know about my older brother, the one in California. He's pretty level-headed. I mean, both my brothers and my sister are smarter than me. And better looking. But -- to quote from a song off of that album of Woody Guthrie lyrics that Billy Bragg and Wilco put to music -- "Ain't nobody who can sing like me."

You're the musical one.

Yeah. I mean, I think we're all musical. But I'm the one who's fuckin' crazy. You know, man?

I know that you're musical, farmboy. And good at it.

Fuck, I hope so. It's good to be good at something, you know? Music was just the one thing I cared about. Almost to the exclusion of everything else.

Is that a good thing?

The jury's still out on that one, man.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

I been

I been thinking too much
I been way too reflective
I been far out of touch
I should have been more selective
in choosing how
to handle these dreams
that found their way inside
a desire that won't be denied
God knows I've tried
but when the blues get ahold of you
they know what exactly to do
and Lord knows what they did to me

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Everything I touch turns to art

Man, I'm so tired. I'm fuckin' tuckered out.

That's a nice descriptive phrase.

Yeah, well. What can I say? Everything I touch turns to art.

That's also a very nice phrase, farmboy.

Thanks. I stole it off of an episode of an old TV sitcom called Murphy Brown. 

So what's making you tired, farmboy?

Well, I'll tell you, man, it's like I was telling you yesterday. My friend's here and we're having a good time. I'm just not used to being so social. And that's okay. I just have to kind of pace myself, you know.

So is it going to be an early night?

Yeah, 'fraid so, man. But that's okay, too. Sleep is a fuckin' great thing, man. It is so underrated.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012


Hey! Merry Christmas, man!

Merry Christmas yourself, farmboy. Has it been a good day?

I'm kinda exhausted. A friend of mine is in town, staying at my brother's, so there's lots of social-ness involved. But it is fun with her in town for Christmas and it's good to not be holed up in an apartment smoking weed and worrying about money.

So it sounds like you're doing well, but you're tired.

Basically, yeah. I mean, the holidays are exhausting just in themselves, you know? So, yeah. I'm home now, so I'm gonna rest.

Get some good sleep, farmboy. Good night. And merry Christmas.

Thanks, man. Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 24, 2012

too many to count

I was thinking this morning
I should get a tablet 
and write down
every act of kindness
that is given to me

I forgot about it
of course
there was no tablet
no ballpoint pen
no watch for me 
to know what time it is

but I know
there were kindnesses
hiding in shadows
lurking in faces
spoken in whispers
or no words at all

there were 
too many to count

Saturday, December 22, 2012

small towns

small towns
have long memories
to be used against you
any time they please
cut you down
bring you to your knees
don't get above your raising

the trouble with listening

the trouble with listening
is that someone will agree
or disagree
or agree to disagree.
at any rate,
human contact
(which is messy,
even if no one's touching)

pisses me off.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Hula hoop

Can you believe the first week of winter break is over? Where does the fuckin' time go, man? It goes by so fuckin' fast that I feel like I could wake up in the morning dead. Which. by the way, is from a song by The Band. "When You Awake."

I remember that song, farmboy. It was on that great album...

The Band, yeah. The self-titled one. Fuckin' amazing, man.

So Christmas is in just a few days. Are you prepared, farmboy?

My apartment is a mess, but other than that it's just little things, like wrapping presents and stuff. I don't do that much shopping, but I've bought all the presents. Bought a hula hoop for my niece that was made by a teacher at the school. I think she'll like it.

So I basically just have to remember to have some time by myself when my friend comes to town. And also I need to not be nervous or self-conscious. It's Christmas time, and that's a good time to be with people.

Friends and family...

I got 'em, man. I gotta enjoy them while I'm here.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

once I fell in love

once I fell in love
hard to believe, I know
I've always looked at 
my heart as a desert
where nothing is able to grow
once I fell in love
yeah, it happened to me
back when I had not a
single idea
what love could do to me

what I remember
was that it was such a surprise to see
realizing I cared a whole lot more
for somebody other than me

once I fell in love
I hoped it would be a habit
but I didn't know
when it came to romance
that I was so bad at it
damn it!
once I fell in love
it was the best time of my life
but I didn't know
how to maintain it
or how to keep it alive

what I remember
it was like magic deep in my soul
realizing I cared about something
far beyond my control

once I fell in love
one time 
and one time only
since then I've been sentenced 
to live my life
lost and forever lonely
once I fell in love
I thought that it was my friend
since then I've been waiting
for someone like you
to prove it could happen again 

I've been waiting
for someone like you
to prove it could happen again 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

you won't remember me/rewrite 2

you don't know my name
who I am 
or what I do
I'm just another victim
on the nightly network news
you may have seen my face
on the screen of your TV
you won't remember me

It was back in high school
some stranger with a plan
strength in his conviction
shotgun in his hand
finger on the trigger
looking straight at me
you won't remember me

I  never will grow older

I will never go to school
I will never fall in love
or break any rules
I will only be a whisper
a brokenhearted memory
you won't remember me

in littleton, colorado

at virginia tech
your local shopping mall
a movie theater
oklahoma city
waco, texas
tucson, arizona
and on and on...

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The saddest fuckin' thing ever

Today I spent money. I bought Christmas presents, which I wasn't even planning on doing. I finally bought some real groceries, too.

Whatever you're cooking smells good, farmboy.

Thanks. You should stay and have supper, man.

It's just soup, one of those 16-bean soups, you know? You can get the beans at any store, but I like Trader Joe's. They have some good stuff. I put a bunch of vegetables in it, 'cause I haven't been eating enough vegetables.

Boy, this conversation's really stimulating, isn't it?

You haven't brought up the recent shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, I've noticed.

I'm...avoiding it at times. I mean, it's's the saddest fuckin' thing ever, man, and I think about it. And I am fascinated...I'm not sure that's the right word. Maybe I find it interesting. That word doesn't work either. Fuck. All I know is that I want to read about it and discuss it and all that stuff, but, fuck, there's fuckin' little kids involved and, man, this is just too fuckin' tragic.

So it's affected me -- like it's affected everybody else. This isn't just another tragedy because they're kids, man.

Can we change the subject? Ready for some soup?

Sounds good to me, farmboy.

It's hot soup, man. It's good for you.

Monday, December 17, 2012

On my side

So farmboy, how's winter break going so far?

Oh, it's good. In fact, it's fuckin' great. Except that I'm smoking all my weed too fast. I gotta pull back some, 'cause I just can't fuckin' afford it, man. I'm so fuckin' addicted, man. 

But other than that, it's going well. Got to see my songwriting pals last night and that was great. I'm gonna go see a friend on Wednesday, a songwriter also.

You have talented friends, farmboy.

Yeah, man, I do, that's a fact. If I ever need an ego pick-me-up I just have to go to my Facebook page and look at the list of my friends. There's, like, four hundred of them. And they're all so talented. I mean, it's astounding.

And what they all have in common, besides music, is that they like you.


Seriously, farmboy. You're someone else's talented friend. They like you and they respect you. They want the best for you.

They're on my side.


Well, I guess that's what I'm talking about.

I've been extremely blessed, man, by having the friends that I have. I don't think I'm a very good friend and...Well, it's the same old fuckin' story, you know? I wouldn't want me as a friend.

You don't really see yourself, farmboy.

No, I don't. Everything is filtered through my sick mind first.

I'm just super thankful that I have the friends that I do.

That's nice.

Awwwww. That's all, just fuckin' awwwww.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

small children learning

give me a reason
write me a list of answers
I do not want to ask questions

we are standing
on a big ball of gravity
none of this makes any sense

small children learning
is now a matter
of life and death
i could never imagine

for each other

for ourselves

Saturday, December 15, 2012


So I want to explain some stuff about the song lyrics I showed you yesterday, man.

And what would that stuff be, farmboy?

This song, "You Won't Remember Me," is a work-in-progress. And I have hopes for this song, but it's gonna take a lot of work...

So what you're saying is...?

It's kinda like it's all a first draft. Even when it's not a first draft.

I realize that, farmboy. It's good to see you working so hard.

This songwriting gig, man, is just such a fuckin' mystery all the time. And a lot of hard work. But that's okay, you know?

Friday, December 14, 2012

you won't remember me/rewrite #1

you don't know my name
who I am 
or what I do
I'm just another stranger
on the nightly network news
you may have seen my face
on the screen of your TV
you won't remember me

I  never will grow older

I will never go to school
I will never fall in love
or break any rules
I will only be a swift blade
on a broken memory
you won't remember me

in littleton, colorado

at virginia tech
your local shopping mall
a movie theater
oklahoma city
waco, texas
tucson, arizona
and on and on...

Thursday, December 13, 2012

The best songs of 2012

Okay, man, this is the one day out of the whole year that I get too play rock critic or something.

Let me guess, farmboy. It must be time for the best albums of 2012. Now it's the best songs of 2012. I just don't hear enough albums any more. Which is kinda too fuckin' bad, you know. I like albums. But money is tight. Also, there's only five songs. I figure that making this list any longer is just, uh, padding the list. Or something like that. You know what I mean, man.

So let's get on with it. What's number one?

1) For My Upstairs Neighbor by El-P. This was the most moving song I heard all year. It's about what happens between the singer and his upstairs neighbor, a woman who's being horribly abused. It's really an amazing piece of work. It just fuckin' knocked me out.

2) Dokad by Muzyka Konca Lata. So there's this podcast called TBTL...


Too Beautiful to Live with Luke Burbank and Andrew Walsh. It's mostly these two guys talking, but they're really smart without being assholes about it. Anyway, they have this "Song of the Summer" contest, and this song by a group from Poland was number one. And I just really love this song. They sound like a fuckin' band, they sound like actual human beings.

3) The House That Heaven Built by Japandroids. "When they love you, and they will" the vocalist sings. I love how confident this song is. I like how much fun it is most of all.

4) Somebody That I Used to Know by Walk Off the Earth. It's funny. I barely noticed the big Gotye hit, but I loved the sound of this version, which is five people playing one guitar. And it's not the gimmick and it's not the novelty -- it's the fuckin' sound, man.

And your last one?

Well, it's not really a song, it's a sound. I love the horns on the new Mountain Goats album Transcendental Youth. The arrangements are so sensitive to what the songs are. They don't overpower; they sound as natural as can be.

So that's it, man.

Good job, farmboy.

Good tunes,, man, good sounds.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

It's all manageable

Only a couple more days, man, and then it's winter break! Time is such a luxury, and I'm gonna get me some. I don't do a whole lot of that Christmas shopping stuff any more. Can't afford it.

Who can these days, farmboy? I guess there were all those people at the big box stores on Thanksgiving weekend...

Yeah, that they were, but, well...I buy for my niece, my brother and my sister-in-law. A friend of mine from Southern California is coming for a visit, so I'll get her something too. And that'll all be fine, it's all manageable. 

I keep thinking about playing instrumental guitar at some coffeehouse or something. Maybe something will come up. The money would come in handy, man. It's always about the fuckin' money.

It's even more about the music, don't you think?

Well, yeah, but that's a given. It's kinda like breathing.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

you won't remember me

you don't know my name
who I am 
or what I do
I'm just another stranger
on the nightly network news
you may have seen my face
on the screen of your TV
but I can tell you one thing
you won't remember me

Monday, December 10, 2012

memo to myself

all my imagination
does not make up for
a life of inexperience

Sunday, December 9, 2012

So I get to hang

Oh man, one more week at the fuckin' job and then it's time for winter break. I can't fuckin' wait.

I bet. You've had some intense days lately, farmboy.

Yeah. I get to do fuckin' nothin' the first week, man! A friend of mine is coming for the second week, then I get a couple extra days because the timing's sorta weird this year. I mean, I'm off  for over a week before Christmas Day. So I get to hang. It'll be good.

It's great to have that luxury of time.

Man, you ain't kidding. So I have five more working days then I have the illusion of freedom for a little while. Which is better than no freedom, you know? I don't know. Maybe it's not an illusion. Maybe I'm as free as I'll ever be.

Which, of course, is still free. Which...

...of course...

is better than no freedom at all, man.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

don't bother me

hey mister
yeah, I'm talking to you
you got a dollar for
some work I could do
I'm a busy man
in the land of luxury
don't bother me

Friday, December 7, 2012

if I don't have you

finally friday
a pipe bowl of weed
a cup of hot java
and John Steinbeck to read
a bag of fried chicken 
and a brewski or two
don't mean a thing
if I don't have you

now I ain't no ordinary
man of means
but I got a few twenties
in the pockets of my jeans
and I got a fine notion
of what I want to do
but it ain't worth nothin'
if I don't have you

Thursday, December 6, 2012

there is:

there is:

buzzing in my ears
from headphones I'm too lazy
to take off my head

a thousand fruit flies
buzzing in my kitchen sink
time for some Clorox

overcooked pasta
secretly wanting to fall apart
at the touch of a fork

a guitar waiting
to please my ears and fingers
if I'd just let it

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

These are desperate times, man

I've been worried about you, farmboy.

I'm somewhat better today, man, Which is not to say that I'm doing good, because I'm not. I'm really depressed and anxious and angry and bitter and I don't know what to fuckin' do about it. But yesterday I was...over the top, emotionally speaking.

But let's focus on now. I just scraped my glass pipe and got some resin out -- these are desperate times, man -- and smoked it and it calmed me down. Before that, my mind was just fuckin' raging with anger. I would go from subject to subject and get madder and madder.

So right now...?

I'm doing okay. I wish I had some weed. It's not, like, the fuckin' answer to everything, but, man, it sure helps with anxiety. I wish I was eligible for medical marijuana, but anxiety doesn't qualify. Fuckin' pisses me off.

So I'm all right. Thanks for your concern, man. I didn't mean to worry you.

I'm grateful to have a friend who worries about me.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Here in the fuckin' present

I don't know what to say, man. I'm so fuckin' depressed, I'm so fuckin' sad, I'm so fuckin' angry, that it may not be a good thing for me to be conscious right now. Of course I have no weed. I think sleep is the only option.

I don't want to get overdramatic or fuckin' precious or anything, but I seem to have given up. And I'm sure that's temporary, but here in the fuckin' present everything sucks. I have no control,I'm having to choose between medication and food, and everybody just wants more money from me.

What about music, farmboy? Can you pick up a few dollars that way?

I fuckin' wish, man. I can't seem to do anything right, for the most part.

Am I self-pitying or what?

This seems different somehow...

Yeah, I don't know. Again, I don't need to be conscious, you know? I think being conscious is a huge mistake.

I'm sorry.

Why are you sorry, farmboy?

Because I'm poisoning you with the venom of my bitterness.

I'll survive.

I'm going to bed, man. Again, I'm sorry. Don't worry about me. There's just been too many bad days, too much bad news, way too much bad luck. I don't think thinking is gonna do much. I'm sorry.

Stop apologizing, farmboy.

You're a good person, man. I hate to subject you

To what, farmboy?

To me.

I'm going to bed now.

Monday, December 3, 2012

it all stays the same

I'm depressed again
'cause nothing ever happens
it all stays the same

all I do is work
but nothing becomes of it
it all stays the same

I think I'm worthless
and that no one understands
it all stays the same

and there is nothing
I can do about it

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Mrs. Claus

Hey, wanna hear a joke, man? It's really fuckin' funny. And it's seasonal!

Seasonal? Sure, farmboy, tell me the seasonal joke.

Okay, here goes. Why can't Mrs. Santa get pregnant?

I give up. Why can't Mrs. Claus get pregnant?

Because Santa only comes once a year, and that's down the chimney!


Well, I thought it was funny...

Saturday, December 1, 2012

when I was in high school

when I was in high school
I should have eased my pain
needle in my veins
mercy in the bloodstream
when I was in high school
I should have satisfied my needs
smoked the tumbleweed
started swimming upstream

way back when

maybe then
someone might have noticed me

when I was in high school

I should have played around
with every girl in town
consequences be damned
I should have made
my own rules
marlboros would be smoked
I'd take my daily morning toke
while the doors around me slammed

way back when

maybe then
someone might have noticed me

good behavior

never is rewarded
it passes unrecorded
as you fall straight through the cracks
it's a no-brainer
"the best years of your life"
will slash you like a pocket knife
and you'll never get them back

when I was in high school

I should have ran far, far away
no reasons I should stay
it was only wasted time
when I was in high school 
I should have done all that I could
to escape the neighborhood
to find what rightfully was mine

'cause way back then

remember when?
nobody ever noticed me
nobody ever noticed me
(I was invisible)
nobody ever noticed...

Friday, November 30, 2012

my mind off of you

I drink the Irish whiskey
I swallow the Old Crow
I straighten out a paper clip
and attempt to scrape a bowl
there's beer in the icebox
pour myself a bitter brew
but nothing is getting
my mind off of you

I took a couple pills
to see if I could fall asleep
cloneazepam and antivan
should put me in deep
I called my backstreet buddies
but there's nothing they can do
they're just in the way of getting 
my mind off of you

I am sinking
from too much thinking
I should be drinking
all my tragedies away

maybe tomorrow
all my blues will disappear
that ol' sun will be shining
and my head will be clear
but right now sleep is just a dream
that refuses to come true
there ain't no way of getting
my mind off of you
there ain't no way of getting 
my mind off of you

today my life is fucked

today my life is fucked
but that don't mean
it'll be fucked tomorrow
today my life 
is a cesspool 
with misery and sorrow
I try to have a good attitude
but today it just ain't working, dude 
today my life is fucked
and there's nothing I can do

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Well, today's fantasy

So, like, not to dwell on it, but today was not so great.

You sound so hopeful, farmboy.

You're kidding, right? No, I mean, it was a frustrating day at work and all, but I also know that it's not important enough to analyze too much. It's one of those fuckin' shitholes of a day that just don't add up to nothin', man. 

All I need to need is forget about it. Which won't be hard.

Think I'll just mosey over to my fantasy life.

What does that look like? Give me some details.

Well, today's fantasy is that I live on a farm and I have a dog and I can get up early and watch the sun rise up over the fields. I can drink a cup of coffee and write. I'd really like some space. This living in the city is okay but I just feel so fuckin' cramped in, you know?

So, anyway, that's it. My fantasy place where I can go and breathe.

Your name is very appropriate, farmboy.

That's me!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

too many memories

I am the owner
of too many memories
they come to visit
like deadbeat relatives
who bring their sleeping bags
and stay for a while
a loooong while
I need a restraining order
I need to keep them
as far away as possible

Monday, November 26, 2012

Hopeful, you know?

Hey, want to hear some lines I wrote last night, man?

Sure. Shoot 'em at me, farmboy.

Okay, let me get these out.

(farmboy looks them over)

Man, I don't fuckin' know. This is so fuckin'...hopeful, you know?

Now I really want to hear what you've written, farmboy.

Here goes nothing, I guess.

          ain't no time to run and hide
          gonna make it to the other side
          got a dream that can't be denied
          I guess I'm on my way

That is hopeful, farmboy.

Now I just don't know if it's any good. Maybe I'll use it, maybe I won't. We'll see.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

when love returns

she's bought all the books
she's tried all the new diets
if there's any way to change her looks
you can be damned sure she'll try it
she's counting every calorie
especially the ones she burns
she intends to be ready
when love returns

she's looking 
into new religions
to find one that applies
she's like a lost homing pigeon
stranded in unfriendly skies
she's thinking 
there's some lesson
that life wants her to learn
she's making no mistakes
when love returns

     everything's going 
     to be perfect this time
     she's going to be his
     funny valentine

all the brand-new fashions
she hopes someday to afford
to accelerate the passions
stubbornly unexplored
she looks in the bathroom mirror
thinking she has style to burn
she's going to look her finest
when love returns

     everything's going 
     to be perfect this time
     all the love songs will be sung
     all the poetry will rhyme

wait by the telephone
search the internet
looking for some answers
she hasn't found just yet
lighting every candle
praying someday love will burn
she's going to keep on hoping
when love returns
she'll keep her heart wide open
when love returns

Saturday, November 24, 2012

fools like me

I got a wallet in the pocket of my britches
and inside is twenty dollars, cash
I got another twenty underneath my mattress
in the shoebox where I also hide my stash
and mom and pa don't know a thing about it
and that's the way I want it to be
I'm saving up for my very own tomorrow
where the future waits for fools like me

Friday, November 23, 2012

before my very eyes

I was waiting in the drive-thru 
at my local Mickey D's
trying not to honk 
at the cars in front of me
I need a mocha shake
I need a quarter pounder, boss
I needs double cheese 
and a quart of secret sauce
as I pulled to the street, man,
much to my surprise
stood a homeless man
right before my very eyes

     he said
     mister can you help me?
     my family needs some food
     I've been holding this cardboard sign
     up and down the avenue
     from the ass-crack of dawn
     to the setting of the sun
     and nobody's cared to help me
     mister, will you be the one?

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

thanksgiving haiku

food in my belly
a warm place where I can live
life is very good

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Because I'm free!

I have five -- count 'em, five -- days off. Thanksgiving and all that. I'm so thankful for these days off. This working at a public school gig is just too fuckin' much sometimes. Pisses me off.

But let's not talk about that now, man. Because I'm free!

That's pretty wonderful, farmboy. What are you going to do?

I'm gonna stay at my brother's for a couple days and babysit my niece so my brother and his wife can go out and celebrate her birthday (which is today).

Other than that I don't know. I'll probably keep reading the Neil Young memoir. Maybe I'll write a song. That's what I really want to do.

Maybe you will. I hope I can hear it.

You'll be the first, man.

Monday, November 19, 2012

big used book sale

big used book sale
proceeds to the library 
three books, three dollars

I can't afford this
I am ashamed of myself
for lack of control

but knowing inside
that it's really no big deal

but also knowing
three dollars add up

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Bone and blood and language

How are you doing, farmboy, with what we talked about yesterday?

Okay. It's hard. I feel like I'm betraying what I believe in by not bowing down to my OCD-ness, or whatever you want to call it. And that's fuckin' bullshit, man. This is my life, my beliefs. It's like I want to say to this fuckin' condition this does not belong to you.

You know, man, not that it matters...

Which of course means that it does matter...

I just wanted to clarify that I don't look down on atheism. It's not for me, but it's also not my place to judge anyone on their beliefs. It's none of my business.

I don't know, man. I think about this stuff all the fuckin' time.

I know, farmboy.

And, let me explain...fuck, man, I always wind up feeling weired if I discuss my beliefs with people. I end up feeling guilty, but, fuck, I'm just this human guy trying to make the most out of my feeble efforts at understanding. I'm just a man, you know? Bone and blood and language. You know? So , listen, what I'm thinking...

Listen, farmboy. You don't have to justify your spiritual life to me or anybody else.

It's just between me and God?

It's what you want. You make the rules.


Saturday, November 17, 2012

Sign of the cross

This is hard, man. I need to explain to you what this feels like, the withdrawals I'm going through.

What happened, farmboy? Did you decide to quit smoking marijuana?

No. Something else. And right now I'm in the fuckin' midst of it.


I have this problem, man, that I think I've probably mentioned. So to put labels on parts of my life, I'm, like, a major in obsessive/compulsive disorder with an emphasis in religion. It's called scrupulosity. And it's a motherfucker, I'll tell you what.

So there's this thing, this obsession with the sign of the cross. It's fuckin' multifaceted, man. Anyway...this is really weird man, I don't talk about praying. 'Cause it's a private thing and it's nobody's business. It's just me and God. And that's all the detail I'll go into on that. 

So this one, well, I end my prayers with the sign of the cross every night. And that's when the "inappropriate thoughts" come. But I can't stop, you know. It can get real bad. I can't believe I'm telling you this stuff.

So...I just said my prayers and I decided to not perform the sign of the cross. And it's fuckin' driving me crazy, man, it's like the world's worst itch and I'm not allowing myself to scratch it. 

I feel like "Oh my God! I've become an atheist!" And I'm not! I'm...I'm just not a Catholic anymore.

Man, I feel like I'm fuckin' evil right now.

But you're not, farmboy. You know that, don't you?

I don't know, man.

Don't feed into this, farmboy. You have your spirituality, you have your beliefs, you have your...



I'm not any different than I was before?

You're still the same farmboy. You're just finally standing up to a church that doesn't fit you and a disorder that forces you to distrust yourself all the time.

You're a brave guy, farmboy.

I hope so. That's the way God made me.