Sign of the cross

This is hard, man. I need to explain to you what this feels like, the withdrawals I'm going through.

What happened, farmboy? Did you decide to quit smoking marijuana?

No. Something else. And right now I'm in the fuckin' midst of it.

And?

I have this problem, man, that I think I've probably mentioned. So to put labels on parts of my life, I'm, like, a major in obsessive/compulsive disorder with an emphasis in religion. It's called scrupulosity. And it's a motherfucker, I'll tell you what.

So there's this thing, this obsession with the sign of the cross. It's fuckin' multifaceted, man. Anyway...this is really weird man, I don't talk about praying. 'Cause it's a private thing and it's nobody's business. It's just me and God. And that's all the detail I'll go into on that. 

So this one, well, I end my prayers with the sign of the cross every night. And that's when the "inappropriate thoughts" come. But I can't stop, you know. It can get real bad. I can't believe I'm telling you this stuff.

So...I just said my prayers and I decided to not perform the sign of the cross. And it's fuckin' driving me crazy, man, it's like the world's worst itch and I'm not allowing myself to scratch it. 

I feel like "Oh my God! I've become an atheist!" And I'm not! I'm...I'm just not a Catholic anymore.

Man, I feel like I'm fuckin' evil right now.

But you're not, farmboy. You know that, don't you?

I don't know, man.

Don't feed into this, farmboy. You have your spirituality, you have your beliefs, you have your...

Faith?

Faith.

I'm not any different than I was before?

You're still the same farmboy. You're just finally standing up to a church that doesn't fit you and a disorder that forces you to distrust yourself all the time.

You're a brave guy, farmboy.

I hope so. That's the way God made me.