Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Playing guitar is a wonderful thing

So I'm kinda hating work and I'm sick and fuckin' tired of how quickly the time goes when I'm off work. The night passes so quickly. And then I have to wake up and go to my fuckin' job.

Okay, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Do you feel any better, farmboy?

Maybe a little bit. But mostly I fuckin' hate thinking and talking about work when it's my time.

I know you do.

Fuckin' hate it,, man. But let's change the subject.

All right. What do you want to talk about?

Actually, I'm tired and I'm going to go to bed. But I didn't want to leave on a bad note, you know? So...let me think...what can we talk about?



I've played a bunch today. So at least I accomplished that. Which is something I'm really glad about. The more I play the more comfortable I get and the more natural it becomes. Playing guitar is a wonderful thing.

You're good at music, farmboy.

Fuck, I'd go crazy if I didn't play guitar. I am blessed, man.

I've found it really helps to have some kind of creative outlet in life.

Oh, man, that's so true. You got that right, man.

Monday, May 30, 2011

you can never trust a drug addict

you can never trust a drug addict
I tell you, man, it's true
I don't know what I was thinking
when I started trusting you
I was looking at survival
I was thinking of myself
and the very last thing on my mind
was that you were that someone else
who could save me
from the sinkhole
of my life

I did not have a name for you
but you looked just like a savior
sent down to earth to rescue me
from my own misbehavior

to be continued...maybe...

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Obedience training

So it's a three-day-weekend and I ain't done nothing except smoke weed, play guitar, and surf the fuckin' internet, man.

Give me a break, farmboy. I know you've done other things. Have you exercised?

Uh, yeah. I exercised, yes.

Read anything?

Um, yeah. I been reading...I guess they're called graphic novels, 'cept the last one was a memoir. A graphic memoir, I guess you'd call it. It's called Stitches by a guy named David Brooks. It was pretty fuckin' intense, man. His parents, fuck...let's just say that his father gave him cancer, literally, and his mother was just this bitch that never, ever loved her son.

You know, you seem to really like sad stories, farmboy.

Well, you know, it's got to have an element of sadness for me, or some kind of conflict. It's like how they taught students about writing and reading fiction when I was in high school -- you need conflict to make a good story. And I think the same goes for songs, too. At least the kind of songs that I want to write.

I can tell that from the songs you write. A lot of your characters have problems or situations that stem from conflict.

Yeah, thanks. It's a good thing that I listened sometimes in those English composition classes, you know. Even though that was college. We didn't write much in high school. School was more like obedience training back then.

Do you think it's changed?

Well, I work in special ed, but really, when it comes down to it, yeah, the public school system is more interested in training lots of little worker ants to make more profits for the learning class. Not necessarily the teaching staff, but I'm sure that the administrative staff...you know what?

No, farmboy, what?

This is getting too fuckin' depressing for me, and it's cutting too fuckin' close to home. I got one more day left on this weekend after today, and I don't want to spend it talking about work or education. Fuck that.

I understand.

It's music, you know. That's what matters now.

I mean, I gotta find ways to survive, especially now that that my way of making a living is in jeopardy. You gotta eat, you gotta pay rent. That's just the way it is, and, hey, I like having a place to live, I like having food in the cupboard, you know?

I know.

But in those moments when it's my time, I want to think about music...or creativity or God or love or sex or the people I care for.

And I can't say I blame you, farmboy.

Thanks, man. I'm glad you understand this stuff. A lot of people don't.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Getting harder everyday

Man, I don't know what been going on. I've been trying to get to you for the last two days, but this fuckin' world keeps conspiring against me.

It's okay, farmboy. I know everything is pretty rough right now.

And getting harder everyday, man, I fuckin' tell you...

You sound stressed, farmboy. You sound angry.

I've got a fuckin' ton of emotions right now, man, it's hard, let me tell you. But it's gonna be a three day weekend, so that's good.

All the same though, I wish I had taken today off work. But I'm here...

You're at work?

Yeah. So I gotta go...

Talk to you soon?

You got it, man.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

the oldest man on earth

there is no one who remembers me
when I was a child
I might as well have
been raised up in the wild
I grew up here
it'll be here I will rest
when I have passed all of
life's vicious tests
soon is the end
of my circle of birth
I am the oldest man on earth

who'll be my witness
what is my crime
whatever the season
no reason
or rhyme
I dream of the river
that led me to you
the only true love
that I ever knew
soon is the end
of my profit and worth
I am the oldest man on earth

Monday, May 23, 2011

gonna be a big star

you don't listen to a word I say
you always treat me like I'm in the way
you always tell me I'm up to no good
I don't care, baby, because I'm moving to
I'm gonna be a big star
be a big star
be a big star
and baby, you
can't come with me

Saturday, May 21, 2011

In good hands, man

Oh man, I'm so fuckin' sad and depressed and that seems like that's all I am lately. I can't seem to write songs. Man, I'm just...I don't know, I'm...sad and depressed, that's all.

Your life has been stressful lately, farmboy. It's natural to be depressed when there's trouble at work.

Yeah, like maybe not having a job. And I'm worried about money for the summer. And I'm sure I could add a number of other worries to the list. And, you know, they're not really things that I can ignore. These are real problems.

But will worrying help?

No. But I need to think so I can provide solutions -- or possible solutions -- to these problems. Which seem to be mainly financial, so in a way that's...well, not good but it seems a little more doable than, say, disease or severe mental illness or getting in a car accident or not having health insurance, you know?

You'll be able to make the money you need, farmboy. You're a very smart guy and I have confidence in you.

I'm glad somebody does.

You know, in a way I'm kind of a place holder for you. I keep those things that you have trouble doing for yourself -- confidence, hope for the future, things like that -- and then you know where they're at when you need them.

Oh, man, that's so fuckin' cool, it's so awesome, 'cause when I'm out of hope and confidence, it feels like they're gone and gone forever. It's so good to know they're in good hands, man.

They're here, all waiting for you, farmboy.

And I'll be there to claim them. I just don't know when, you know?

Friday, May 20, 2011

My real work

So I took the day off work and I haven't done a fuckin' thing all day, man.

Good for you, farmboy. So you didn't exercise...

Oh, no, I exercised.

So you took a day off playing guitar...

Uh...no. Actually, I played more than usual.

So you didn't work on songwriting...

I did that, too.

That stuff is my real work, you know. It's that place I go to five days a week that has just been fuckin' toxic lately. You know, when people are afraid of losing their jobs...

But let's not talk about that. It's just a day to get, like, de-stressed, you know?

And that's okay. Maybe even necessary, farmboy.

Most definitely necessary, man.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I'm off the clock

So I can't take off on Monday so I decided to take tomorrow off. Man, amazingly, I didn't go out and buy bad food to celebrate. Right now I'm baking a chicken and potatoes, and I have stuff for a salad.

farmboy, that's the most, uh, normal meal I've ever heard of you making.

Well, I had the potatoes and I had the chicken and I had the salad stuff, so there you go.

Sounds good. So, farmboy, you're taking off tomorrow.

Yeah, I got sick days and one personal day left and I'm taking everything. Believe me.

I don't blame you.

You know, it's been such a fuckin' drag at work, I don't want to focus on it now, man. I'm off the clock, you know?

So what am I gonna do, man? I don't know. But I may watch this TV show Breaking Bad that I checked out of the library. It's a good show. Or maybe I'll fall asleep. I don't know. I just want to relax, to not worry, to not be stressed out. I don't want too feel angry or that I should be doing something. I don't want to do stuff out of guilt. I don't know if it's possible, man. I just don't know...

You could listen to music...

I might. I don't listen to enough music, at least lately. Maybe I'll play music, too. Maybe I'll write.

It's all open, farmboy.

Just the way I like it.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Every little thing gonna be all right

Bad day.

Bad day?

A fuckin' bad and awful day.

I'm sorry.


Care to talk about it, farmboy?

It's just fuckin' work stuff, or, rather, lack-of-work stuff. My life currently sucks.

But I've been through shit enough to know that it passes, you know. But, fuck...I feel like, God, I don't know where this train is going but I'm hoping that you're in for the ride with me.

I've hardly ever heard you talk about God before, farmboy.

Oh, I think about God all the time. I think, for me at least, that faith is private. It's between me and God, you know, just the two of us. Nobody else needs to be notified.

I like that.

Well, that's what works for me. Plus I'm not good at discussing things like religion. And, actually, I don't even care about religion; faith is what I'm interested in.

So do you have faith that everything is gonna turn out alright?

Bob Marley!

(farmboy grabs his ukulele and begins singing)

Don't worry 'bout a thing
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right

Very good. I love that song.

Yeah. I don't trust people who don't like Bob Marley. Or the Beatles.


So what, man?

Do you have faith that there is hope...that every little thing gonna be all right?

Seriously speaking...I hope so. I hope so.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

No fun being me

Fuck, man, hard day. Nothing that I need or want to get into,, I'm just fuckin' glad that it's fuckin' over, you know? So now I'm at home and I'm not doing nothing and I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay.

Are you okay, farmboy?

Yeah, I'm just so fuckin' sensitive and OCD about every single little fuckin' thing. Pisses me off. It's no fun being me, I tell you what.

So I'm taking it easy, man. I'm letting myself drink diet Pepsi instead of water and I'm, like, not cooking and just doing snacks all the time. I get to surf the internet and then go to bed where I'll listen to Explosions in the Sky and eventually fall asleep.

And I try to convince myself it's all okay.

Which brings me back to my original question: Are you okay, farmboy?

Okay,, man, here it is. I'm depressed, I'm scared, I'm sad. I don't know what's gonna happen in the next few months and I like knowing what's ahead.

Also, work is been so...I don't know, there's this fuckin' dark cloud over everything, and it doesn't look like it's gonna pass any time soon.

But, basically, yeah, I'm okay. You?

Oh...I'm fine. I just worry about you, farmboy. And I know that I shouldn't.

Why shouldn't you?

Because you're going to be just fine.

How do you know that?

I just know.

You know what, man?

What, farmboy?

I'm glad you do, 'cause I have no idea where I'm going.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

in kerrville, texas

i saw the sun rise
in the crow’s nest
on a hill
in kerrville, texas
i see it still
in my memory
i saw the sun rise
in the crow’s nest
on a hill
in kerrville, texas
i’ve been a witness
that’s good enough for me

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I need you to remember

if something happens
if something goes wrong
if the neurons in my brain
cannot get along
if the present I cannot see
is taken away from me
along with my memory
I need you to remember...

I know the sun
when it sets on the Pacific
I know the moon
when it is big and fat and full
I know the stars
when they shine over the desert
I know the motion
of gravity's pull
I know my love and how it hides
waiting for the right time to step outside
and say "I m not afraid this time"
I need you to remember...
I need you to remember
these things
for me

Friday, May 13, 2011

This can always be rewritten

I can't get high enough
to get you off my mind
to forget the ways
that you left me behind
I never knew a person
could be so unkind
I can't get high enough
to get you off my mind

So I'm imagining this as a country song, you' know, not a fuckin' country parody. Which means some kind of rewriting 'cause this sounds pretty, uh, ordinary to me. I think I'd be embarrassed by this if I let it stand alone.

I think people can be too afraid and concerned about embarrassment sometimes. Remember, nobody has to ever see these lyrics. You should never be held back when you write.

Yeah, that writer part of you needs to be encouraged.

You got that right, farmboy. A writer needs to be as fearless as he can.

I know, man. I get to the point sometimes where I'm afraid to put fuckin' words on paper, or a computer screen. I always need to remember: This can always be rewritten.

Nobody ever has to see it...

Up to a certain point, it's yours alone and you can just see where it naturally goes. One of the many good things about being a songwriter.

And there are many good things about being a songwriter.

Oh, it's the best, man. I am seriously blessed.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A good day

Hey, man.

Hey, farmboy.

Nothing to report today. Just a day. What a fuckin' shame, huh? 24 precious hours in our short stay on this planet and I've got nothing to show for it. You know, I'm actually just grateful for every day that isn't hard.

So it's been a good day?

I guess you could say that.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

It sucks to be me

I am having such a fuckin' hard time writing a song, man.

Try not writing a song, maybe?


Do you think maybe you're trying too hard, like you're trying to force something out?

(pauses) Yeah, as a matter of fact I guess I do. It sucks to be me.

Come on, farmboy, you know that songs will come.

I know. I just like to complain. Lily Tomlin once said that the reason human beings invented language is because they wanted to complain.

I could believe that.

Yeah, and I do too.

Relax, farmboy. Let the songs come.

It's just that spark...

It'll come, farmboy.

But it's taking so fuckin' long...

Monday, May 9, 2011

Not scared

Oh man, work is like a fuckin' ghost town or something. All these people -- they're "unassigned," just like me, That was the word I was looking for the other day. Remember?

I remember. How are you, farmboy?

I'm a little depressed, but I'm okay. You know all my talk the other day about how I wasn't worried? Well, that's being fuckin' challenged, that's for sure. But you know what? I'm glad that I said it. I'm glad that I felt that way, because I'm sure I'm gonna feel that way again. Hopeful. Not scared.

"Not scared." I like the sound of that.

Yeah. I do too. I just gotta remember to have faith...and work.

Action -- which I think might be the "work" you're referring to -- that's important, farmboy.

Yeah, something kinda concrete, you know.

I'm glad to hear you talking this way.

Fuck, I'm glad to hear myself talking this way. I just hope I can talk this way when I'm panicking and desperate. Man, I want to be able to do that.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Good work

I have done next to nothing today. It's just fuckin' great, man. Washed my clothes yesterday, saw my friend, baby sat my niece, played Thursday night, been through all the fuckin' work shit. It is good to not to do anything. I did play guitar and sing and exercise.

You're taking the day off and you've earned it, farmboy.

Damn right, man.

You know, I just want you to know that I'm not doing badly, even though my job in the fall is, well, I don't know what it is...and summer, I don't know what I'm doing for sure in the summer for money. But I have this strange...confidence, I guess, that everything's gonna be all right. And it has to do with music...This is good, though, this is okay. Better than okay.

Go with it, farmboy. And this is important: You need to put in the work that it -- whatever "it" is -- requires you to do.

Yeah. It's good work, I have a feeling.

Trust your instincts, farmboy.

(laughs) Hey, I'm doin' my best, man!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Solid ground


So what?

Did the ax fall?

It fell for a lot of people. The school district is laying off 35 to 40 percent of its employees across the board.

Me, I fall in a position somewhere between that and people returning to the schools they work at. I'm classified as...what do they call it? There's a word and I can't think of it. Oh well.

I'm still employed, but they don't know what job or what school or anything. So that's extremely sad, but at least I'll still have my health benefits and hopefully they'll find a place for me by September.

That sucks, farmboy.

Not as much as being laid off.

That's true.

But I agree. It still fuckin' sucks. It's really fucked that the state government care so fuckin' little about education or children...

Or the future of the country. Or the world, for that matter.

That's so fuckin' true, it's so fucked up.

I can't talk about this much 'cause I'll start getting angry and it ain't fuckin' no good. Not to mention the fact that it doesn't help things. I've worked in education for a while and if there's one thing I've learned is...well, not that there's no use in fighting, but...fuck, man, let's change the fuckin' subject.

I'm sorry, farmboy.

Thanks, pal.

So I played last night and I went to see my friend today and we talked about Kickstarter and how to get funding and I think I may be on solid ground here. Which is great, 'cause if there's anything that will take my mind off of this work shit, it's music and making a CD.

Which is what you're going to do.

Damn fuckin' right, man. Nobody can lay me off music.That's fuckin' hands off, man.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I could be a good performer

Oh man, I tell you...I'm stoned and I'm listening to the new Fleet Foxes album. I'm only on the first song but it's beautiful so far. That main guy, what's his name? Robin Somebody, I think.

So tell me about the gig, farmboy.

Let me tell you, man, it's been a fuckin' day. Tomorrow the ax falls at work. This week has been tense for everybody.

I just needed to tell you that.

I'm glad you did. So what about the gig?

My hands gave me a good amount of trouble, but I worked past it and I don't think the audience noticed. Other than that, the performance was one of my best.


Yeah. I got called back for an encore. Which usually doesn't happen with anybody at the coffeehouse. I mean, it happens, but it's few and far between, you know?

I sang good. I communicated. I could be a good performer if I did it a lot more often.

Wow, farmboy! It's great to hear you say this. It really is.

Yeah. Too bad I'll just find some way to negate it. That's what I do.

So enjoy while you can.

You know, I think I will.

Happy Cinco de Mayo, farmboy.

Oh yeah. Time for chips and pico de gallo!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Apples and oranges

Just to let you in on stuff that's going on:

1. Hours are being cut at work and people are being laid off. I can't think about this fuckin' shit more than I have to right now.

2. I'm performing tomorrow and I'm meeting with a friend of mine, who I'm going to ask all sorts of things about Kickstarter. You know, the online thingy that helps you get funding for your project.

I love the word "thingy."

I would think that you would, farmboy.

Yeah, I do. I like words. I don't trust words as much as music, though. They are, most likely, apples and oranges.

Each one has its purposes...

Each one does, I suppose.

Anyway, I just wanted to fill you in and let you know about everything.

Good luck with number one and learn lots with number two.

I'm going to.

Monday, May 2, 2011

hobo jungle

out on the edge of town
where the waters run down
down where the weeds grow high
north of the county line
there's a place I've never seen
but I hear it's pretty mean
and they call it hobo jungle

back when I was a kid
I remember my mama said
son. if you don't start walking straight
boy, it'll be your fate
to end up like those men
whose lives come to an end
down in hobo jungle

Fuck, man, I don't know where the fuck to go with this fuckin' song. I mean, I've had those verses forever. And they still need work. But I think they've got potential. I just don't know where to go from there.

What advice would you give yourself, farmboy?

Follow through with what feels natural. Don't force it. Maybe I need to do some timed writing, like it says in those Natalie Goldberg books. Some free writing, maybe. But it feels like I'm fishing in the dark here.

And that's okay, farmboy. I like the idea of following what feels natural.

Yeah. I'll keep on with it. I really like the melody I've got, and I like the verses I have, no matter how imperfect they may be.

It'll come.

It won't be for lack of trying, that's for sure.