tourist town

there is a tourist town north of San Diego
where I spent my days chasing innocence lost
I set free my dreams to go where they go
searching for freedom, no matter the cost

          now I see I wasted my time
          nothing happened
          that was supposed to be mine
          only hopes with no reason or rhyme
          what will become of me now
          
in the country I come from old men are sad
no women to turn to when the sea breeze is cold
I never believed it would turn out this bad
not at all like all those lies that you're told

          now I see I wasted my youth
          nothing happened
          when I searched for the truth
          only unanswered questions
          with no burden of proof
          what will become of me now
          
I turn to the ocean, pull my collar up high,
and stare at the water as if it were my grave
I was so wrong, it hurts to be alive
there's nothing to live for
I head toward the waves

          now I see that I wasted my life
          nothing happened
          I always hoped that it might
          save me from fading into that dark night
          what will become of me now
          what will become of me now
          

December comes in

December comes in
through the back door
with boots caked with mud and ice

December comes in
wanting hot cocoa
with whipped cream on top
and one or two cookies
to remind it
warmer days are coming

December comes in
with old memories
that are bitter and dusty
and want to be revealed

December comes in
with the promise of comfort
and echoes of a previous year
burning in its belly

today is Thanksgiving

today is Thanksgiving
and I do give thanks
for the moments of calm 
in this wicked old world
today is Thanksgiving
and I join the ranks
of those with their families
and flags unfurled
for my health and my loved ones
I raise a toast
to all of the creatures
that mean the most
to you and me
and everyone
happy Thanksgiving
this poem is done

into the wilderness

everything's calm now
the storm has passed
and we're all together
safe at last
the clouds are parting
the wind is slow
we're up and ready
and willing to go
into the wilderness
into the wilderness

just when you think
that troubles don't end
hope drives a u-turn
around the bend
sees you hitchhiking
picks you up
for now you're safe
and that's good enough
you go into the wilderness
into the wilderness

don't worry

I am always waiting
in anticipation
something could happen
must be my imagination
telling me exactly 
what I want to her
sending me a text message
whispering in my ear
saying don't worry
it's going to be all right
don't worry
you will make it through the night

I am always hoping
for whatever I can't have
life and all its suffering
is having the last laugh
laughing at me
laughing at my dreams
time is running out
and I don't know what it means
I say don't worry
it's going to be okay
don't worry
somehow you'll find a way

it's too hard

it's too hard
and I don't know what I can do
once again
I'm the victim of bad news
every day's a fuck-up
every question starts with why
I wake up every morning
afraid to be alive

it's too hard
I am pleading for my life
every day's another day
of trying to survive
every day's a fuck-up
something else to far
I wake up every morning
saying get me out of here

it's too hard
someone help me please
I don't know what I've done
to deserve this disease
every day's a fuck-up
with each step that I take
I'm on my knees and praying
dear Lord, give me a break

it's too hard
mistakes were made
I've exploded all my hopes and dreams
with a hand grenade
every day's a fuck-up
every question starts with why
I wake up every morning
afraid to be alive

december

I sit by the fire
with a cup of steaming coffee
while the snow falls softly
beyond the cabin door
the day has expired
the evening is upon us
there are those among us
who say there's something more
but this is fine
right here
peace is mine
joy is near
december is here again

words and words and words

look at this blank page
blacken all the spaces
with words that plead and argue
saying pay attention to me

there is no attention paid
just another day with
words and words and words
fighting to be
on top of the others
not knowing
that nobody is listening

I am not one of the chosen few
my words are never heard
they live in lives of their own
ignored by the people
that they're meant for

you are not in high school

it doesn't matter
what you wear
it doesn't matter
nobody cares
and if they do
fuck them
they can find some dicks
and suck them
'cause life is not like it was before
you are not in high school anymore

if they're not your friends
forget about them
if they don't like you
you can live without them
you find your own friends
people that care
people who aren't going
anywhere
welcome to come in 
through your front door
you are not in high school anymore

          all those groups
          every clique
          designed to make you
          feel like shit
          all those teachers'
          dirty looks
          every lie
          in history books

it doesn't matter
what you do
from here on out
it's up to you
every question
every choice
every time you speak
in your own voice
you're the hero
in their dirty little war
you are not in high school anymore
you are not in high school anymore

It hurts just to fuckin' live

So it's another day of nothing happening and more frustration and depression. Man, these fuckin' days just seem to melt into one another, you know? I haven't had a good day since I don't remember, it's been so long. What am I going to do? Nothing moves, unless it's for the worse. 

I don't know what I can say, farmboy. I've talked to you about patience but I can understand your frustration. I don't know why nothing ever changes for the better.

I don't know either. I don't know if it's just bad luck or if I'm being punished by God or what. All I know is that everyday, I work and I've built up good habits and nothing I do matters, it's just bad news all the fuckin' time. Really, I don't know how much longer I can go through this.

I think I need to just give up. It's not working, whatever I do, so I need to look for another way. All of my actions are for nothing. You don't know how much this hurts, how fuckin' painful it is. It hurts just to fuckin' live. 

What am I going to do? I'm desperate here. Nothing makes any difference. I'm just a fuckin' broken record at this point. I'm going to go see my therapist in a little while, and it's always the same old shit: nothing ever happens. Nothing ever changes. 

Hang in there, farmboy. It can't be like this forever.

But it is like this and it feels like forever. Why doesn't anything change? Why don't I have friends? Why can't I lose weight? Why don't I have anybody to play my songs to? All it is is work and more work and more work with no payoff, no results. C'mon, what am I supposed to fuckin' do? What can I do? Why is this happening?

I go out walking

I go out walking
I see the world
from the point of view
of my neighborhood
one more step
in front of the other
in front of houses
of stone and wood
and there are flowers
there are trees
there are kids
who've scraped their knees
there are lots
of things to see
that I barely even notice

I go out walking
most everyday
movement of legs
and knees and feet
crossing over
paths of dirt
sidewalks made
of old concrete
from 1911
a long long time ago
by Jefferey Buxton
way back when
I'd like to think
that he's our friend
keeping us in focus

I go out walking
I count my steps
on a wristwatch
on my left wrist
back when I
was just a kid
I never could have
imagined this
it's more than movement
it's being outside
even though
I want to stay in
I want improvement
to hit its stride
it's the only way
a loser can win
it's not hocus pocus

I go out walking
it's what I do
if you ever want
there's room for you

bad luck is your only friend

you wake up in the morning

to the wrong side of the bed

and that is the beginning

of another day of dread

it's only seven-thirty

and you wish this day would end

that's what life is like

when bad luck is your only friend

there is no companion

there is no best friend

there's only bad, bad luck

and it is happening again

nothing ever changes

unless it's for the worse

something is not happening

inside the universe

you belong

I stand by my word
I will protect you
I won't neglect you
all those promises you heard
by people in a hurry
you won't have to worry
anymore
everything's different
than before you're not in danger like before
you're safe here
you belong

the world goes on without me

everyday I read the news
on a computer screen
everybody's doing everything
but I don't know what it means
people are busy
making me dizzy
only thing I can see
is that nothing I do ever matters
the world goes on without me

people are battling for position
it don't mean a thing to me
all that they do is just an audition
for attention that they need
they want satisfaction
they're falling in action
they know just who they want to be
nothing I do ever matters
the world goes on without me

nothing ever changes

it doesn't matter
anything I do
it's just useless action
trouble to get into
I've got the answer to the question
of blessing or a curse
nothing ever changes
unless it's for the worse

it doesn't matter
any actions that I make
everything I do
is only a mistake
I'm a speck of worthless shit
in a stupid universe
nothing ever changes
unless it's for the worse

I try to keep quiet

I try to keep quiet
but I keep making noise
sounds just keep coming
right out of my voice
I work hard for silence
but I don't have a choice
lately it sounds like crying

I try not to think
but my mind's making words
of all the opinions
and racket I've heard
some are cold serious
but most are absurd
somehow my face keeps on smiling

but it's all a lie
it's all a lie
it's just the spirit within me
waving goodbye
I've lost all my strength
I don't know how to try
and my spirit keeps growing smaller
my spirit keeps growing stronger

I try to keep quiet
but I keep making noise
sounds just keep coming
right out of my voice
I work hard for silence
but I don't have a choice
lately it sounds like crying

this highway

I don't know what I'm doing
but I guess I'll do it anyway
I don't need instruction
to do what I'm gonna do today
this is what I'm gonna do
spend the day trying to make it through
this highway that I call the blues
is in my rear view mirror

I don't know where I'm going
but Lord knows I'm going there
some signs read you're welcome here
some signs read of despair
this is the choice for me to make
a question of repair or break
this highways filled with my mistakes
I can't see any clearer

          this highway
          will not let me on its onramp
          this highway
          does not give a single damn
          this highway
          is not exactly who I am
          but it thinks it owns me

Little details

I'm exhausted. Life has been going so bad lately that I don't know what. I know, I know...I'm a fuckin' broken record when it comes to this stuff. If I didn't have songwriting as an outlet I don't know what I'd do. Creativity has been going well these past few months. It's the only thing that's going right. I still have my physical health, so that's something major that's good. I'm very thankful.

I'm glad that you recognize that, farmboy. It's important that you acknowledge the good things that go on in your life as well as all the frustrations.

Of which there are many.

I've been doing this thing every night before I go to bed where I look over the day and see what I'm grateful for. Sometimes it's hard, but there's always something. I like it best when I am grateful for little details in my life, like the orange flowers that I see on my walk or some silly little joke or something. 

That's a good practice. Combined with your daily meditation, that should improve your life at least a little. I see you trying, farmboy. I see you trying so hard. I want you to know that I notice. I want you to know somebody notices.

Thanks. That really means a lot to me, especially since it's so fuckin' lonely out here, trying to salvage my life. Right now I feel fairly calm, but these past few days have just been fuckin' fierce. I don't know how I'm going to make it out of the depths of depression a lot of the time. I'm not questioning why it has to be that way, I just want it to be over.

So I'm still working and I'm still going on. It's not much. but it's something.

Thanks for listening.

let me out

I don't know what to do anymore
all I know is I can't live this way
I can't go back to where I was before
there's no possibility to stay
it's me alone
out here in the wilderness
just trying to find my way around
I guess
but I haven't had a lot of success
living the way I do
I don't have a fucking clue
only these old words
with nothing to do
let me out

nothing is working

what do you do
when nothing is working
and there's nothing left to try
so you try again
and you try again
and you try one more time
nothing is working 
nothing is working
and still again you try

you wake up in the morning
nothing is working
static is frying your head
so you do what you do
and you do what you can
and you try something else instead
nothing is working
nothing is working
all the systems are dead

Why do I always have to be the failure?

Man, this frustration mode that I'm in...it's never gonna fuckin' end. I'm a fuckin' broken record. Every fuckin' day I do the things I'm supposed to do with no fuckin' result. What am I gonna do? I'm desperate here.

I don't know what to tell you, farmboy. It's a mystery to me. Is there anybody you can talk to? Your trainer? Your health coach?

They haven't been any good with this. They think I'm just whining. My trainer has completely given up on me, and I'm thinking my health coach did too. I did make an appointment to go to my doctor to see what's up. Maybe I'll get some kind of answer. Or maybe I'm just fucked.

It's not just the physical part, either. I keep playing...I've practiced more than I ever have, but there are no opportunities for performing, even a non-paying performance. I have no one to listen to my songs. I'm just creating in a vacuum now.

I don't like my life. This all seemed so promising at one point, then it all went to hell. Nothing fucki' happens...or at least nothing positive. It's all bad news and bad luck. And I have that. It doesn't have to be that way, but there's no stopping it. It's just bad news and bad luck all the fuckin' time now. What the fuck am I going to do?

Here's what I say: Keep going to your therapist. Take your meds. Eat at well as you can...

This is all stuff I'm already doing!

I know, farmboy...

So what am I going to do? I don't want to live like this. Nothing ever happens. Isn't there some science quote about how every action has a reaction? How come that doesn't apply in my case. Why do I always have to be the failure? Why? It's not fair.

unsatisfied

I'm so unsatisfied
I cannot take this bad luck in stride
everything is going wrong
and it looks like it always will
I'm so unsatisfied
back luck has taken me for a ride
it's not a question of when
but of until

give me a ball and chain
say it will always remain
and I can't do anything
but watch it stay in place
make sure I never grow
everything is something I don't know
I'm sure you see the anger
in my face

          I'm so unsatisfied
          take all these tears I've cried
          hold all of them inside
          I'm so unsatisfied

God knows the reason why
good luck passes me by
I should have been drowned
as a baby child
there's nothing here for me
far as the eye can see
it's me alone here
out in the wild

          I'm so unsatisfied
          take all these tears I've cried
          hold all of them inside
          I'm so unsatisfied

I'm so unsatisfied
I cannot take this bad luck in stride
everything is going wrong
and it looks like it always will
I'm so unsatisfied
back luck has taken me for a ride
it's not a question of when
but of until

this week's election

I voted in this week's election
for all the good it would do me
I voted for all of my candidates
for everything they would do to me
but even though they never do
exactly what I want them to
my vote somehow makes it through
the system
all my hopes and wishes stay
even when they're swept away
by politicians
and the games within them

take me away

you make an action

there should be a reaction

but nothing happens

no matter how hard I try

for every action

there should be satisfaction

but nothing happens

I don't know why

          I've heard it said

          that insanity happens

          when you perform all the actions

          and it all stays the same

          and still you keep trying

          silence the denying

          that everything is always

          exactly the same

          take me away

          take me away

trigger 5

I don't need you
were the words you said
go to hell
I wish that you were dead
so I got the bullet
I counted one
all I need
to get the job done
to put an end
to my worthless pain
I'm pulling the trigger
and you're to blame

you think you're fine
wait and see
you won't believe
what's become of me
there's no reason left
to live
I cannot begin
to forgive
win or lose
it's all the same
I'm pulling the trigger
and you're to blame

this is what you've done
I thought you should see
the kind of man
you made of me
you're living free
but I got the gun
and a single bullet
only one
it's you or me
this ain't no game
I'm pulling the trigger
and you're to blame

running out of time

I am running out of time here
the days are moving faster
and every damn one
feels exactly the same
it's been so longsince I've heard 
the sound of my own laughter
life has convinced me
that nothing will ever change

every dream I've ever dreamed
has fallen by the wayside
laughing at my innocence
and my hard-believing ways
I've made every mistake
in everything that I've tried
mostly in not recognizing
my home through the haze

give me hopes of silver
in my sleep at night
give me some belonging
to other people, I beg of you
I cannot take this darkness
you need to give me sight
I don't know what else is left
for a fool like me to do

Something better happen soon

Everything is a mess right now, man. I'm looking for work with no luck and I can't lose weight and my savings are disappearing. I would say that something better happen soon, but I've been saying that for-fuckin'-ever. I'm beginning to think I live in this alternate universe where nothing changes for the better and everything just gets worse or stays the same. 

I know you're frustrated and angry and I hear you, farmboy. I could tell you to be patient, but I think there's more to it than that. I don't know why nothing changes...

I know, man! It's fuckin' weird. It's amazing that I can put so much work and energy into things with no change at all. I don't know what to fuckin' do about it. I'm fuckin' cursed, you know? 

The past four years have been amongst the hardest years of my life. The accident, the injury, the recovery, the red tape, the money problems, the isolation...when does this stop? Will it ever stop? Am I just fuckin' hopeless?

I don't know, farm boy.

Jesus, no matter what I fucking do, I lose. I don't know what to fucking do. Every fuckin' day I do the shit that I'm supposed to do and it doesn't fucking matter. Nothing fucking matters. I should just fuckin' shoot myself. God knows it's easy enough to get a gun in this fuckin' country. 

I can't take it anymore, I really can't. Fuckin' drown me like a sick puppy. Goddamn it. There is never anything fuckin' thing that can go right. Everything just goes fuckin' wrong.

Fuck this life.

only love remains

the winter is upon us
the leaves have stopped their falling
the salvation army's calling
on us to drop some change
of all those among us
you're the one who keeps me hoping
that I can leave my options open
and only love remains

summer is now history
the rain has turned to snow now
it's a damn good thing to know how
to put on coat and gloves
time is a strong mystery
it gives and it takes
good intentions and mistakes
all that remaIns is love

          please believe me
          you can free me
          with the warmth 
          of your restless heart
          please release me
          I need peace, the
          fires of mercy
          are lighting up the dark
          all that stays the same
          is that only love remains

trigger 4

I don't want you
were the words you said
go bother
someone else instead
so I got the bullet
I counted one
all I need
to get the job done
to put an end
to my worthless pain
I'm pulling the trigger
and you're to blame

you think you're fine
wait and see
you don't believe
what's become of me
there's no reason left
to live
I cannot begin
to forgive
whatever I choose
it's all the same
I'm pulling the trigger
and you're to blame

this is what you've done
to your former friend
you've finally brought him
to this end
you're living free
but I got the gun
and a single bullet
only one
it's either you or me
this ain't a game
I'm pulling the trigger
and you're to blame

hopeless

I don't expect anything to work out
it's been my history
to be fucked up all the time
the flame in me is starting to burn out
it's just a mystery
but all the same, it's mine
but then there was you
offering to be my friend
but there's nothing I can do
but let it come to an end
I'm hopeless
it's all that I've been through
I'm hopeless
and it's all because of you
I'm hopeless