Thursday, May 31, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
So I just, I don't know, started panicking this afternoon like you wouldn't believe. It got bad, man. It's that whole fuckin' mental illness thing coming back.
Did you take one of your anti-anxiety pills, farmboy?
Yeah, and now I'm, like, beginning to nod off. I've gotten real drowsy.
It's been kind of a fucked day, man. Got into a small political thing at work and I've been carrying around this anger because my co-worker just had to get in the last word. It's just something I'm going to haven to let go of. I've had all these worries on my mind and I'm started to feel, um...overwhelmed, you know?
Can I help at all, farmboy?
Yeah, man. Do me a favor. Be compassionate. Don't make fun of me. Just tell me that every things gonna be all right.
Everything's going to be all right.
It doesn't have to necessarily be a direct quote, you know?
It's true, though. Everything's going to be all right. Really.
Thanks, man. It helps to hear you say that.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Oh, man, I'm so fuckin' sad. My beautiful wonderful three-day-weekend is coming to a close and life is becoming overwhelming. Plus, man, I'm completely out of weed. My life sorta sucks in many ways,
I'm sorry to hear that, farmboy. That's the problem with three-day-weekends. They always come to an end.
Yeah, and who can I complain to? God?
Well, you're complaining to me.
Yeah, well, sor-ry.
I didn't mean for it to come out that way. I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, farmboy.
Oh, I know. I'm just giving you a hard time, man.
So I've become overwhelmed by life and I don't want to panic. What am I gonna do?
Maybe you need to become methodical about what you need to get done. Just say "I'm going to start here and get this part done. Then I'll move on to the next part, after it's finished."
At the beginning, yes.
I can do that.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
I need a friend
who has a place
out in the country
where electric lights are few
and stars wallpaper the sky.
my friend would have to
travel for business
and would pay me to house-sit.
I would sit outside
and stare at the stars
(too many to count)
there would be many songs
and I would be happy
for a little while
Friday, May 25, 2012
I'm a fuckin' broken record, man. Every Friday I get off of my fuckin' job and I'm so glad, I'm so thankful, I tell you. There's problems at work right now that I'm trying to not let upset me, but I'm not doing a great job of it. But I am doing a good job of it, though.
Okay, man, that's it. Sometimes I just need to vent about work.
I don't mind, farmboy, but it seems that you need to vent more lately. Not that you're doing it too much. But I have noticed that it's increased.
Yeah. Mainly, man, I appreciate your ears and I don't want to waste my time with you by discussing my fuckin' day job. The less said about that place, the better.
So, anyway, this is a three day weekend. Memorial Day. The school year's gonna be over in just a few weeks and I am scared about the summer financially and I gotta work and figure out things. And I gotta do this CD.
Where's that at?
I'm in a rethinking stage, but it's good, it's all for the best. Maybe I can talk to you about it this weekend?
I'd like to hear about it, farmboy. You're not giving up on it, are you?
Not a chance, man. No worries about that.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Man, I tell you, fuckin' work kicked my fuckin' ass today. Just a sonovabitch of a day, you know? I spent the entire day worrying about financial matters on top of it. I mean, give me a fuckin' break, right? Talk about a hopeless life, man, I am in the midst...
Hey, farmboy! Over here!
Tell me the best part of your day.
Playing guitar and singing at home. Which...hey, thanks for asking! I'm feeling a little better now. It's amazing how that can bring you around, talking about music and guitar and stuff.
How's the CD coming, farmboy?
It's in a state of rethinking. I'm hoping it's not some form of semi-paralysis. There's no reason it has to be. But I need to know what I'm doing before I spend more money in the studio. This CD is hard, for some reason. Maybe because I really, really want it to be good.
I think you'll find what you want, farmboy.
Man, I hope so. I don't want to be a failure anymore.
Who says you're a failure?
Um...I say I'm a failure. I mean, I just feel like a fuckin' loser all the time, man. And I don't want to be that way. And I don't have to be that way, you know?
Pisses me the fuck off. I can't make this CD thinking I'm a failure. Or a loser. I've got to change this stupid self-image shit I have. I can't keep it anymore.
What are you going to put in its place, farmboy?
Well, that, man...that's going to take some thinking. That's what, to quote Cat Stevens or whatever the fuck his name it, I'm on the road to find out.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
So I heard this joke...
I think it's so fuckin' good! Wanna hear it, man?
Sure, farmboy. Let's hear it.
Okay. Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
I don't know. Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Because he wanted to "get a long, little doggie!"
Do you get it? Get along, little doggie, like the cowboy song. You know, Riders in the Sky, Sons of the Pioneers, that kind of thing.
Oh, uh...yeah! Now I get it. I don't know a whole lot of cowboy songs, but I...
Yeah, well, I thought it was a good joke. I got it off Reddit.
What is "Reddit?"
It's this thing on the internet. It's sorta like a message board. Reddit is hard to explain. It's a website, look it up.
I'm sorry I didn't get your joke, farmboy.
That's okay. I'm used to it.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
I don't feel so good, man.
Do you think you're sick, farmboy?
I don't know. It's my stomach. I mean, I ain't dying or nothin', it's just this kind of nausea. So I just wanted to tell you that I'm doing okay, except for this fuckin' thing, you know?
I'm tired from my busy weekend of social contact. So I saw my friend Dale from Austin on Friday night, played a gig on Saturday afternoon, went to see my brother and family later on, and I just got back not long ago from my songwriter group. I had a good time at all these things, but, man, I'm fuckin' exhausted.
Exhaustion may be part of what you're feeling, farmboy.
Yeah. That, and I been eating nothing but crap lately. I am so tired...
Why don't you go to bed.
I was thinking the very same thing, man.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
I need somebody
to give me permission
to live my life the way I want
I need somebody
to make my decisions
at a sit-down restaurant
I need somebody
to tell me it's okay
and that better times
are on their way
I need somebody
can that somebody be you?
Friday, May 18, 2012
So I saw an old friend of mine, back from when I lived in Austin, Texas. Which, incidentally, is the coolest city on the planet, bar none. I fuckin' miss it every day.
What did you two do? How was it?
Oh, it was fuckin' great, man. Dale's a great guy. We sat outside and played songs on guitar and then we went out and had Mexican food. And we caught up, and we talked, and we discussed music. Dale's a smart guy. It's great to talk with him.
Good for you, farmboy. It's good to see you having good times with friends. I'm not saying that you have to be a party animal, but it's good to be social sometimes.
I'm not arguing. You saw how invigorating it was for me last Sunday when I went to the art exhibit. I know I need to be social sometimes. I told you before: I ain't no hermit.
Oh, I know, farmboy. I just get concerned about you isolating yourself.
What? I go out and have a good time and you get on my case about isolating myself? What the fuck, man.
You're right, farmboy. I should have worded it differently. I'm sorry.
I get a little sensitive sometimes when people tell me what do do.
Let's start over.
It's good to see you having good times with friends.
Yeah, seeing friends is a good thing, man.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Hey, farmboy, where've you been lately?
I've been really fuckin' tired, man. I think I need to pay way more attention to nutrition, man. My energy is fading. I mean, it ain't nothing to be concerned about. I just need to stop being so fuckin' lazy.
Is everything okay?
Yeah, it's just been harder at work because it's nearing the end of the school year and fuses are short. There's always tension all around. And, me, I hate working or living in that kind of atmosphere. And the physical part of work has gotten higher.
And that's all I want to say about my fuckin' day job. The less attention paid to it, the better. I'm a good little worker ant, but not during my non-paid hours.
Tomorrow's Friday, farmboy. You've got a weekend coming up.
Yeah, I can't fuckin' wait, man. I fuckin' love weekends.
I'm cussing a lot and I don't know why. Just feels good, I guess.
So I've got nothing to be concerned about, then?
Really, I'm fine. Just tired. How are you doing, man?
Good. I do enough complaining for the both of us, man.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Guess what I did today, man.
I give up. What did you do today, farmboy?
I went to an art showing over at the coffeehouse. A friend of mine had an exhibit of her watercolor paintings. Is that what you call it? I don't know these terms for visually artistic stuff. Anyway, they were fuckin' incredible! I am floored sometimes by how talented my friends are.
Do you ever tell them?
I think I do sometimes. I want to encourage people. I'm a lousy critic, because I have a hard time saying bad things about the other person's creation. I mean, I kinda feel like who the fuck am I to judge? I mean, I judge things for myself, for my own tastes, and I try to keep an open mind.
So I went to this exhibit and most of my friends were there and I ended up playing music and hanging out. I was social, man.
Socialman! Sounds like an action hero, huh?
I'm proud of you, farmboy. I know how tempting it is on a Sunday...
...the night of desperate depression...
I know you'd be tempted to smoke marijuana and stay inside your apartment all day. So this going out is a very good thing. I'm glad to see it.
Yeah. Hopefully I'll start doing more of it, man.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Hey, man. Good to see you.
Good to see you too, farmboy. I'm glad you came by. I've been wanting to ask you how the CD project is going.
It's on a short pause right now, while I figure out what I'm doing and what I want. It's amazing to me how much fuckin' work goes into making a recording, you know? I've done about half of the guitar tracks, man, and I gotta tell you, it's hard to sing without playing the guitar. Or I guess I'm just now used to it yet. It feels real weird. It's like farmboy karaoke or something.
But with practice, you'll get it, farmboy. I have faith that you'll ace this. You're a hard worker.
Yeah, I just gotta fuckin' force myself to do it. Which I can do. I can be pretty disciplined when it comes to musical practice. I just wish it was more fun, that's all.
Speaking of music and fun, man, I am just so obsessed with the Band. It's funny, but after Levon Helm passed away I wanted to hear the Band and it's just grown into massive proportions. Which is a great thing. I've been listening to their self-titled album and their first record. Man, I just fuckin' love them. What an education, man!
Do you think all that listening will affect your upcoming CD?
I hope so. I can think of worse influences, you know? I'd love it if it would affect my vocals, you know? Make them more soulful.
Sounds great, farmboy. I'm glad to hear that you're listening to other music besides your own.
It's been really good, man. Really stimulating. They're a great band, The Band. I'm hoping it will loosen me up a little bit and help me to accept the, for the lack of a better word, uniqueness of my voice.
I'd like to see you accept your voice, too.
Thanks, man. I don't know if it's possible, but I'm sure trying.
Friday, May 11, 2012
you got an attitude
do you kiss your mama
with that filthy mouth
I just ain't in the mood
may I suggest
you learn some manners?
that's how we play
here in the South
you're talkin' awfully crude
your tattoos and your piercings, though
they're looking pretty good
I believe you're misconstrued
it ain't like Deliverance
in this neighborhood
all those images
on your tv screen
black and white
and no in-between
you just ain't got a clue
you waltz into this honky-tonk
but you're afraid to dance
you and that attitude
you just might get to like us
if you give us half a chance
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
I'm just checking in again, man.
Good. I'm glad, farmboy. I was wondering how your day is going.
Good day. I know I was kinda iffy last night, but today wasn't bad. It was pretty good, in fact. I'm very thankful. As for last night, my mind is a dangerous thing sometimes. And I was aware of it. Which I think is a good thing -- to be in the midst of panic or whatever you want to call it.
You call it panic.
I'm not really sure what my problem is called. I obsess over things, and eventually I have to accept the blame or the guilt or whatever this thing fuckin' wants to give me.
Sorry for being so vague, man.
It's fine, farmboy. I'm glad you're talking about this subject. I hate to see you hold all this pain inside.
Thanks for listening, man. I really appreciate it. Everything is pretty okay now.
I really, really hope it lasts for a little while.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Just checkin' in, man. I'm, like, fuckin' tired and I'm kinda overthinking everything and I'm getting obsessive and, fuck, I hate this. So it's probably better that I just get ready to go to sleep. Sorry, man.
Are you okay, farmboy?
Yeah, don't worry. I'm in the midst of panic or something so I ain't sure how real this is, you know? It's best to not give it any power.
I'm here if you need to talk, farmboy.
Thanks, man. Maybe I'll take you up on that. You never know.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
I'm back, man, and I am so fuckin' depressed.
The same old shit. It's Sunday evening and the weekend -- which just started -- is over. And I haven't done a single thing that I was supposed to do. So even though it's beautiful outside,, I'm all gray skies inside, you know. Pisses me off. I'll be okay, I know that, but, man, I hate going through depression.
Right now I'm at my brother's house waiting for my laundry to dry. This weekend is basically over, so I've got to get ready for the work week. Fuck.
I know, farmboy, I know it's a drag to go to work sometimes. Especially on Mondays. I know I've always disliked Mondays.
And Tuesdays, man, Tuesdays ain't much better. If Tuesday was a commercial product its slogan would be "Well, at least it's not Monday." That Tuesday's selling point.
I got, like, a month and a half till summer. So I get to worry about finances and stuff. Man, I really don't want a summer like last summer. I love summer, you know? Especially living in the Pacific Northwest where it's always dark and rainy and gray.
But, anyway, tomorrow at 3:20 p.m. all this be be over and I'll be in the process of the work week. Fuck, man, there's got to be more to this living than going to the same old stupid boring job day after fuckin' day, you know?
I know, farmboy, and I sympathise. I just don't know what to tell you.
I know, man. I just appreciate you listening. I know I'm a broken record when it comes to this kind of stuff. I'm sorry.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
traffic outside my window
sounds like waves
from the Great Pacific,
taking the streets
with an even roar.
I hear the heavy footsteps
of my neighbor upstairs.
his TV is on.
my other neighbor
listens to NPR podcasts.
(in a way,
Terry Gross is my neighbor)
the landlord is mowing the lawn
across the street.
someone is practicing the flute.
I play the guitar,
but we don't play the same songs.
I live with the headphones on.
I silence my phone
and wake up
to the songs of birds.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Oh, man, I'm so fuckin' tired. Who came up with this workin'-for-a-living anyway? What a moron. You know, that's the problem with the world today, man, with society. It's all for the fuckin' profit, man, that's all anybody's about. Even the best citizens...
Excuse me, farmboy. You say you're tired?
Go yo bed, farmboy.
Thanks, man. Good night.