old friends like me

all my old friends are way too busy
to pay attention to old friends like me
there are matters of utmost importance
and everything's always an emergency
so I sit in my apartment
and pretend that it's all okay
who needs the burden
of friendship anyway
there's a world of adventure
and plenty of world to see
and there's no need for you
to have old friends like me

maybe I'll see you around
if I ever see you at all
but chances are you're just too busy
to look at my emails or return my calls
god damn my self pity
god damn this whole fucking mess
god damn this whole city
god damn loneliness
still in the back of my mind
there's still a possibility
but that's just plain stupid
there's no need for old friends like me

forevermore

it's different now
you work on the west side of the river
in a big shiny building
that always looks brand new
I know you're busy
it's so cold that I could shiver
when I think about 
how the world has changed
from the world we once knew
still, it would be good to stay friends
maybe go out for coffee
like we used to before
please don't tell me
those days are gone
forevermore

so much to do
business is, as they say, really booming
it's supply and demand
and you do what you must do
I'd like to tell you
that my life also is improving
but I'd be lying through my teeth
but I don't want to say what's true
still, it would be good to stay friends
maybe grab a beer
at that brewery next door
please don't tell me
those days are gone 
forevermore

send me a text
let me know you're still living
yeah, the world is crazy
I don't believe what we've become
tell all I send my best
have fun there in the city
I guess we all get lonely
but we can't tell anyone
still, it would be good to stay friends
we could meet for a bite
at that place by the store
please don't tell me
those days are gone
forevermore

learning how to breathe

I am learning how to breathe
I thought it was automatic
I am learning how to breathe
to rid my head of static
I am paying attention
to every in and out
did I ever mention
I'm not sure what this is about

I am trying to relax
I always thought it was sinful
my size of relaxing
is a big as a thimble
I am making connections
I am trying to destress
just what I am accomplishing
is anybody's guess

(why do you
have to accomplish anything?)

I am growing in some way
although I can't define it
but it's a big field for learning
I might as well mine it
at much as it kills me
I need to start to believe
that life is worth living
I am learning how to breathe

cruel

none of this is fair
all of this is cruel
real life won't follow
the simple set of rules
that I hold in my heart
that I hold up as true
none of this is fair
all of this is cruel

no lessons learned

I have no answers
I have not a lesson learned
I walk through life
no refunds
no returns
I'm lost but still
I climb these hills
in cars with no reverse
maybe I'll see you there
save me a place
if you get there first

I have my reasons
but I have no lessons learned
I walk through life
expecting to get burned
I'm lost, but, hey
it's all okay
I've seen it all before
I'm broken now
I'm damaged goods
in the five-and-ten-cent store

all I am is hurt

there are no reasons
no lessons learned
no way to escape
no way to return
no masterpieces written
nothing ever worked
I am still unchanged
all I am is hurt

I've heard there's a purpose
for all that you go through
I hate to interfere
but I'm the exception to the rule
my brain won't retain anything
it just remains inert
I'm as fucked up as ever
and all I am is hurt

so lock me in my apartment
throw away the key
and get those hopeful feelings
the hell away from me
lay me in the hard cold ground
cover me with dirt
let me find some peace of mind
all I am is hurt

my pharmaceutical past

doctor
to save precious time
I've brought in the list
of everything that's made me 
who I am
doctor
I think the trouble is I'm
pretty much pissed
when I look at the problems at hand

          when I tell you my history
          you'll question "how did you last"?
          it's sad but true  
          but I owe it to
          my pharmaceutical past

thanksgiving 2017

I am grateful for
what I do in spite of myself
happy thanksgiving

my pantry

the groceries on my shelves
I don't want to confuse them
but they look so good
I don't want to use them
so there they remain
from top to bottom
with nothing changed
since the day I bought 'em

shedding my skin

I am shedding my skin
I'm a human snake
and I've taken 'bout all
that I will take
make no mistake
I have a taste for blood
I am shedding my skin
on open ground
with too many vultures
hanging around
but I'm glory bound
running away from the flood

letters that never came

letters that never came
sentences never spoken
hearts like promises 
are broken
but still you keep
your dreams wide open
you keep on hoping
you keep on hoping

for letters that never come
words you'll never hear
day after silent day
love is never near
but soon you'll say
you've had enough
it's just too rough
you're not that tough

but the night ends
and the sun still rises
like it hasn't heard
there's no surprises
and the day begins
like the day before
and soon you'll learn
to hope once more

letters that never came
sentences never spoken
hearts like promises
are broken
but still you keep
your dreams wide open
you keep on hoping
you keep on hoping

a human doing

I want to be a human being
instead of a human doing
I want what's inside
to be something worth pursuing
I want to know my heart and mind
and soul and body, too
I want to be a human being
just like you

(Thanks to Greta Gerwig's mother)

my computer hates me

(to the tune of "skip to my Lou")

forgot my password, what'll I do
I don't have a single clue
all the passwords have been used
my computer hates me

          my computer hates everything I try
          my computer makes me cry
          someday I'm gonna say goodbye
          'cause my computer hates me

forgot my pc in a gunny sack
the cops say sorry, won't get it back
but I'll show them, I'll buy a Mac
my computer hates me

          my computer hates everything I try
          my computer makes me cry
          someday I'll blow it sky high
          'cause my computer hates me

don't mention the internet
there something I'd like to forget
I'll go back to my TV set
'cause my computer hates me

          my computer hates everything I try
          my computer makes me cry
          someday I'm gonna say goodbye
          'cause my computer hates me

my sweetest revenge, rewrite one

in the school of life
it's been lessons cruel and hard
I majored in stress and loneliness
and studied every scar
I've been hurt and hurt again
but I guess it all depends
on which side you're fighting on
welcome to my sweetest revenge

maybe I'll forgive you
maybe I won't
maybe I'll forgive you
even though I don't
want to forgive you
you'll always be my friend
in the safety of my memory
in the safety of
my sweetest revenge

I don't want to hope

I don't want to hope
but I can't help it
it keeps me up all night
it helps even though
inside I know
nothing ever works out right
but still I hope
just like a dope
that hope is always there
I don't want to hope
but I can't help it
I'd rather be prepared

          for hard times and trouble
          and pain and misery
          better hurry on the double
          man, trouble's looking for me

my sweetest revenge

in the school of life
it's all been lessons cruel and hard
I majored in loneliness
and studied every scar
I've been hurt and life's been mean
but I guess it all depends
on which side you're fighting on
welcome to my sweetest revenge

starting over every day

every day in every way
everything is not okay
nothing ever seems to change
I'm starting over every day

all the lessons I have learned
every bridge I had to burn
all wisdom that is all hard earned
forgotten now with no return

in my freedom

today I walked out my front door
I felt something I'd never felt before
and it was freedom
of course, I'm not really free
never have been and never will be
but it was freedom
it's a feeling
deep in my bones
a feeling
previously unknown
and somehow 
I feel strangely at home
in my freedom

imagination

my imagination 
is tired of working overtime
picking up the pieces 
of this puzzling life of mine
every step I take
is always sadly out of line
but ask me how I'm doing
I'll say I'm doing fine
give me a high five
I'll slap your hand back
but mental illness
is on the attack

old shoes hanging

old shoes hanging on a telephone wire
singing of hymns from some old church choir
me, I'm a loaded gun for hire
and now I'm in this Navy town
Sunday morning in a greasy spoon
I get nervous looking around this room
what I'm doing I will know too soon
before the sun comes down

when you're yesterday

life don't mean much
when you wake up every morning
to the same sorry sadness in the mirror
it just don't mean much
when you're cleaning your glasses
but you still can't see any clearer
and it don't mean much
no matter what you do
because no one will hear what you say
when you're yesterday

still searching

I don't mean to sound melodramatic
but I can't see any sense of hope
here's a list of what I do
to make it through
to help me cope
first off, I take the blame
I know it's all my fault
guilt's my Christian name
maybe it is by default
take whatever I say
with a grain of salt
(consider the source
he's just a little off course
just ask the folks 
on the police force)
but I'm still searching
I'm still searching

philosophy of songwriting

as for songwriting
this is all I've really learned:
I am the muse's bitch

I will grow stronger

like a man locked up in prison
performing push-ups in his cell
I will grow stronger
the longer
I am kept down
I am making the decision
to no longer hate myself
I will grow stronger
every day

rolling downhill

stop me
I am rolling downhill
faster and faster
against my own free will
it's a disaster
this ain't no fairground thrill
stop me
it's atop me
and it takes all my skill 
to stop it
or delay it as much
as I can
a human touch
is more than I can stand
I am rolling down hill
faster and faster
please help stop me now

november in Portland

gray comes to Portland
like a drunken stepfather
taking off his belt

what I'm not supposed to hear

it's not a secret
what you think of me
you put it out there
for all our little world to see
but this time you got me
I can't believe my ears
I heard what 
I'm not supposed to hear

ever since I was a child
I've been the damage of good intentions
you all just mean the best
you just take the wrong direction
if I'm not up to your standards
say it to me plain and clear
instead it's something
I'm not supposed to hear

at this party

quick
get me my klonopin
break out the weed
isolation
is what I need
would you be
a friend indeed 
and get me out of here
because I'm going
to blow my top
and my volcanic rage
ain't gonna stop
in other words
I'm gonna interrupt
the entire atmosphere

          we need to go now
          I don't know how
          but I shouldn't be allowed
          at this stupid party

I need to find
an exit out
you don't want
to hear me shout
what the fuck
is this all about
let me make this clear
I'm gonna act
like a terrorist
you'll be so
embarrassed
better call 
my therapist
and get me out of here

          we need to go now
          I don't know how
          but I shouldn't be allowed
          at this party

if we don't leave this party
soon I'm gonna scream
I can give you a preview
if you don't know what I mean

          we need to go now
          I don't know how
          but I shouldn't be allowed
          at this party

music is the only thing I trust

music is the only thing I trust
everyone will let you down
it's not their fault
because they must
because they are only human
basically like you
you run around like headless turkeys
incapable of knowing what to do

complicated

let's make everything complicated
let's make sure nothing gets done
let's brainstorm and have more meetings
let's second guess everyone
let's talk and talk and talk and talk
professionals are we
let's impress each other
and pretend we all agree

          everything I say
          they tell me I'm all wrong
          everything I am
          they say doesn't belong

Shreveport

she moved back to Shreveport
to the house where she was a kid
to the house of memories
the house where her mom and dad had lived
now they were gone
like the summer
and the summer before
now they are gone
and they ain't coming back no more
to Shreveport

ashen sky

sun breaks through an ashen sky
please don't take it away
I've had as much darkness
as a man can stand
if I ask for reasons why
please don't turn me away
I'm sorry I can't
cheer up on demand

speed dial

I do everything 
I'm supposed to do
except maybe 
a thing or two
or three or four
or even more
I got no idea
what's in store
don't tell me
I'm in denial
I got the suicide hotline 
on speed dial