inside this prison

it does no good to get angry
but it's the only emotion I know
I'd rather be sweet as rock candy
but trouble won't let me go
it's got a hold on me
that only I can see
I'm longing to be free
but that ain't happening
and it's eating me up inside
and there's no place I can hide

I got a fire inside my brain
and it just won't go away
I'd hitch a ride on a southbound train
I'd catch a freight today
to another land
where I can make my stand
and just be the man
that I know I am
it's making me insane
there's no need to remain
inside this prison

all the real children

I want to walk out the front door
and play with my friends
like all the real children do

watch over me

I am not sentimental 
nostalgia ain't for me
it's the wide open future
that's what I see
a non defining question
of who I need to be
watch over me

I am not gifted
a prodigy I ain't
whether it's a fountain pen
or a kid with finger paints
an innocent bystander
with no chance of history
watch over me

          nothing I do
          will never last
          everything slides
          into the past
          you may be strong
          and up to the task
          but you'll never know
          unless you ask

          watch over me
          watch over me

I am not rolling over
I am not playing dead
there's a big sky waiting 
if you look overhead 
give me a purpose
help me to see
watch over me

wishing I could be you

I'm wishing I could be you
you make it look so easy
I would envy you except
there's too much learning to be done
so I will pay attention
to every lesson that you've taught me
I'm an old man but I feel
like my life has just begun

           I know I can be a handful
          but lead me by example
          and I'll show you exactly
          what I can do
          I don't know what you see in me
          but no one has believed in me
          I can show you daydreams
          both harrowing and true

I wish you were my relation
and then I'd always know you
instead I must accept
the limits of our time
that run like life's a highway
through the deserts and the prairies
and the only ties that bind us
are the ones we leave behind

          I know I can be a handful
          but lead me by example
          and I'll show you exactly
          what I can do
          I don't know what you see in me
          but no one has believed in me
          I can show you daydreams
          both harrowing and true                
          

in my autobiography

when I write my memoir
you will not be in it
not for a sentence or paragraph
or even a New York minute
you'll be conveniently forgotten
that's right, I said it
there'll be nothing left
of you to even edit

          yeah, there'll be nothing left
          to feel, hear, or see
          that'll be you
          in my autobiography

you can peruse the table of contents
or look inside the index
you can scan for miles
but you won't be there in text
everything you've done to me
is erased from here on out
I can see you standing there
you're nothing to write about

          everything you've done to me
          is now ancient history
          that'll be you
          in my autobiography

          there'll be lots of other people
          families and friends
          but the memories you keep will
          come to a bitter end

when I write my memoir
you'll somehow be missing
along with all your misspent words
to which no one will listen
and when the book is finished
and no one remembers your name
just look straight into the mirror
and discover who's to blame

          when the book is finished
          nothing's what you'll see
          that'll be you
          in my autobiography

you don't love me anymore

forget it
you don't need me
whatever I say
you don't believe me
what else can I do
but walk right out the door
it don't matter
what I do
I could never
make any sense for you
I know it's true
you don't love me anymore

I don't blame you
I blame myself
if only I was like
everybody else
what can I do
but leave you like before
I'm the reason
for it all
everything that's gone wrong
is my own damn fault
we've come to a halt
you don't love me anymore

when summer begins

days are getting short
but they're still a lot longer
when summer begins

there are mornings

there are mornings
when I just lie in bed
and watch the dust swirl around
it calms me down
and frees my mind
there are mornings
when I jump into the shower
and the water wakes me up
sometimes it's not enough
I'm left behind

is there a way to help me
I ask myself
I wonder
is there someone to tell me
am I hearing distant thunder
am I the only one here
will I ever be done here

I used to be more

I used to be more
than just another stranger
reaching for a future
beyond my control
I used to be more
than a self-defined victim
grasping at something
he can no longer hold

          once I had hopes
          once I had dreams
          now they are gone
          to nowhere, it seems
          once I knew love
          once I knew pleasure
          now it's only pain
          too big to measure

I'll teach you how to cry

he knew the ways of the world
he knew the street had its own laws
if you asked him why his life unfurled
He'd tell you "just because"
just because he trusted no one
his own counsel is what he kept
he always had one eyes open
even when he slept

          and when he had his first male child
          he already had a plan
          he would not grow up mild
          he'd grow up to be a man
          I'll teach you how to cry
          I'll teach you how to cry

it wasn't that he didn't love him
the boy born of his seed
he was always thinking of him
but the boy was of a gentler breed
and that just would not do
in a world so cruel and greedy
you gotta teach a thing or two
to make sure no one is needy

          and when he had his first son
          he did not understand
          and his childhood he passed along
          with a leather belt
          and an open hand
          I'll teach you how to cry
          I'll teach you how to cry

when children grow up afraid
it screws them up inside
they retreat inside themselves
but there's no place to hide
he felt he taught the best he could
with movement of hand and arm
but it's true
inside his heart
he never meant any harm

          when he had his firstborn boy
          the seed he was uprooting
          his son was his pride and joy
          but fear was his undoing
          I'll teach you how to cry
          I'll teach you how to cry
          I'll teach you how to cry
          I'll teach you how to cry

all the right changes

would you love me
if I make all the right changes
if my mind rearranges
where would I be then?
would I be the man
who'll save you from danger
or are I some stranger
no beginning or end

          I can change for you
          I swear I can
          I can be the man
          you need me to be
          I'll suffer pain for you
          I swear I can
          be someone again
          who you want to see

would you trust me
if I make all the right changes
the answer to my pain is
in your loving hands 
fact is, it must be
someone who's a lie
someone I don't recognize
someone I don't understand

          but I will change for you
          I swear I can
          I can be the man
          you need me to be
          I'll suffer pain for you
          I swear I can
          be someone again
          who you want to see

I miss talking to myself

I miss talking to myself
I miss the conversations I used to have
observations that would drive you mad
I was full of blarney
I was honest as I could be
I honored family ties
I told whoppers of lies
I was the traitors' army

the friendship store 2

I need to buy some friendship
but I can't find a store
it seems that all my old friends
don't want me anymore
they won't take my phone calls
won't write me when I text
they won't meet me for coffee
no wonder I'm depressed

          so I'm looking for the friendship store
          but, alas, to no avail
          but when I walk through its door
          I hope something's for sale

my old friends can't remember
what they ever liked about me
I think they're looking forward
to living life without me
everybody's busy
except me, myself and I
tell me, where does friendship go
when it slithers off to die

          I'm looking for the friendship store
          but I don't see none around
          perhaps I would lighten up
          if I weren't always down

it's okay
I'm used to grieving
go have fun wth your new pals
your future best companions
your favorite guys and gals
you can call me any time
I'm right here at home
while I figure out this modern world
as I sit here all alone

          I'm looking for the friendship store
          bet you can guess the rest
          I'll be looking more and more
          while I get more obsessed
          I'm looking for the friendship store
          bet you can guess the rest
          I'll be looking more and more
          just to find it doesn't exist

the friendship store

I need to buy some friendship
but I can't find the store
it seems that all my old friends
don't want me anymore
they won't take my phone calls
won't write me when I text
they won't meet me for coffee
no wonder I'm depressed

          so I'm looking for the friendship store
          but, alas, to no avail
          but when I walk through the door
          I hope something's for sale

my old friends can't remember
what they ever liked about me
they've all been looking forward
to living life without me
everybody's busy
except for me, myself and I
tell me, where does friendship go
when it slithers off to die

          I'm looking for the friendship store
          but I don't see none around
          perhaps it would be different
          if I lived in another town

it's okay
I'm used to grieving
go have fun wth your new pals
your new-found best companions
your brand new guys and gals
you can call me any time
I'll be right here at home
figuring out this modern world
while I sit here all alone

          I'm looking for the friendship store
          bet you can guess the rest
          I'll be looking more and more
          just to find it doesn't exist

circus freak 3

I was born a circus freak
in 1917
I was no one, so to speak,
a discarded human being
judge me by the way I look
it's my destiny
to be dangling off the hook
while you laugh at me

          I pray to God
          my soul to keep
          goes the prayer
          of the circus freak

my mind and body's broken 
apart, beyond repair
no one can hear my beating heart
and the pain living there
God has placed his faith in me
and I shall do his will
for there's a fight inside of me
that your laughter cannot kill

          I pray to God
          please help me sleep
          the lonesome cry
          of the circus freak

          I stand here before you
          provide entertainment for you
          but my eyes cannot ignore you
          you burn inside my brain

I was born a circus freak
a long, long time ago
I contacted my disease
a cure I do not know 
judge me by the way I look
it must be my destiny
to be dangling off the hook
while you laugh at me

circus freak 2

I was born a circus freak
in 1917
I was no one, for to speak
a discarded human being
judge me my the way I look
it's my destiny
to be dangling off the hook
while everybody laughs at me

          I pray to God
          my soul to keep
          goes the prayer
          of the circus freak

my mind and body's broken apart
and beyond repair
no one can see my beating heart
and the pain living there
God has placed his faith in me
and I shall do his will
for there's a joy inside of me
that reality cannot kill

          I pray to God
          please help me sleep
          the lonesome cry
          of the circus freak

          I stand here before you
          provide entertainment for you
          but my eyes cannot ignore you
          you're alive inside my brain

I was born a circus freak
a long, long time ago
I contacted my disease
a cure I do not know 
judge me by the way I look
it must be my destiny
to be dangling off the hook
while everybody laughs at me

circus freak

I was born a circus freak
in 1917
I was no one, for to speak
a discarded human being
judge me my the way I look
somehow it's my destiny
to be dangling off the hook
while everybody laughs at me

          I pray to God
          my soul to keep
          goes the prayer
          of the circus freak

today I am alive

I am frightened
I am worried
I cannot believe my eyes
I'm forsaken
I'm still waiting
for someday to be wise
I'm still hurting
I know for certain
it's just by instinct I survive
today I'm here
today I am alive

I don't feel bad
I approach happy
once in a great while
it don't matter
my inside chatter
that goes on a country mile
all my ideas
they're wanting me
to try them on for size
but for today I'm here
today I am alive

don't ever worry
about me
I'll always be okay
it's true
I'm forever blue
here on life's highway
they say the darkest hour
is just before dawn
I say the sun's about to rise
because today I'm here
today I am alive

sword

her sorrow shines like diamonds
and she wraps it up with silver
and she presents it to her savior
as she sings to our Christ, our lord
I am humbled by her spirit
she'd been chosen to deliver
blessings to the congregation
using music as her sword

my own business

I learned to mind my own business
when we were friends
I don't need to know
just how the story ends
I've seen the same thing
over and over again
and nothing ever changes
nothing ever changes

this sad and beautiful planet

this sad and beautiful planet
keeps on spinning around
so beautiful I can barely stand it
so sad I must stand my ground

open letter to Townes Van Zandt

give me this small sacrifice
I only need some sound advice
tell me how to reach inside my soul
there's a story inside me
that I know no one can see
that is not under my control
you had the magic
it was in your fingertips
if you don't mind
I'd like to borrow it
I'm searching for a memory I don't know

cancel my subscription to the blues

I've tried everything
I've made all the right calls
but nothing's happening
and that ain't all
the days are longer
the pain is stronger
I'm starting to think
I don't belong here
get me out
I got nothing to lose
cancel my subscription to the blues

my mind's a-reeling
from all this hurt
I've looked for healing
but nothing works
the days are sadder
my thoughts are scattered
but in the end
I guess it doesn't really matter
I'm looking for another path to choose
cancel my subscription to the blues

          another day
          another night
          another chance for something
          not to turn out right

my heart's a-hurtin'
my brain's on fire
close the curtain 
'cause I believe it's time to retire
nothing is new here
nothing to do here
but I believe someday
I'll make it through here
give me a reason
I'm searching for a clue
cancel my subscription to the blues
cancel my subscription to the blues

missing Kerrville

the pine needles fall
on the cold hard ground
until my bare feet pick them up
and carry them around
I am standing at the campfire
waiting for the sound
of a hundred songs being sung
will you sing for me?

you don't have to be a turtle (rewrite)

so you've left your heart wide open
and the going's getting rough
you've spent your whole life hoping
someday you'll be good enough
to find someone who loves you
who won't put himself above you
I know it's natural to be afraid
but now you'll see some changes made

          you don't have to be a turtle
          but you need a shell
          to protect you from
          rejection
          you know, love's the highest hurdle
          so respect yourself
          take care of your heart

you're looking for a lover
to treat you the way you should
you're hiding undercover
while you search the neighborhood
I know that you've been waiting
up all night anticipating
feels like everything is going wrong
but someday all this will make you strong

         you don't have to be a turtle
          but you need a shell
          to protect you from
          rejection
          you know, love's the highest hurdle
          so respect yourself
          take care of your heart

I know it's hard now
but if you're willing to start now
you won't be standing apart now
love's gonna come your way

         you don't have to be a turtle
          but you need a shell
          to protect you from
          rejection
          you know, love's the highest hurdle
          so respect yourself
          take care of your heart

you are uneasy

you are uneasy
you are unable to rest
everything you've ever thought
is now second guessed
you're looking at me
hoping I am impressed
well, don't look at me
my mind is a mess
and a jumble of tumbling tears
falling down from my eyes
you are uneasy
but still capable of surprise

spider

outside my window
a spider is spinning a web
that looks to be the strongest web ever made
it's a giant circle
with lines and space to roam
all the insects should be afraid
because one day it's gonna catch them
steal their eggs and hatch them
and eat them for Sunday dinner
oh, what a wicked web we weave
when a spider does was he believes
this web is magic up his sleeve
the spider smiles proudly