klonopin

I need the drugs to kick in right now
I can't wait an extra second
I need them to work
I don't know how
but I'll find out, I reckon
I ain't got no time to meditate
any time from now
is still too late
anyway, I'd appreciate
another refill please
a !title stronger than these
to relax this brain within
klonopin

the conquering time

my anger knows no limit
my rage is the conquering kind
it holds me prisoner
in this cage of my own design
and when it overtakes me
I feel like I'm possessed
I never learned to study
and now it's time for the test

          c'mon help me out here Jesus
          show me what's up your sleeve
          no matter what I do
          I cannot disbelieve

this is not how stories were meant to end

don't tell me
you're scaring me
you were supposed 
to live a long, long time
the diagnosis
isn't completely done yet
you're still young
and in your prime

I tell myself
don't panic
I need a moment
to comprehend
it was going to be
just a checkup 
what am I
going to tell the children

          it ain't right
          it ain't fair
          you weren't supposed
          to go anywhere

don't leave me
don't desert me
this was not how stories
are meant to end
don't tell me
a day will come
when I will never 
see you again

          I don't mean to be selfish
          I hope you can see
          I am telling myself
          this is not about me
          this is not about me

don't tell me
you're scaring me
you were supposed 
to live a long, long time

solitary confinement

I can't be alone anymore
I've looked and I've looked
for something I can't find yet
every day is like the day before
I feel like I'm in
solitary confinement
lock me away
where no one can see
the parts of my brain
have learned to disagree
and I am forced to be here all alone
in the jail cell I call my home

it was worth living in Texas

it was worth living in Texas
if only for the fireflies
tat looked like little lighted helicopters
hovering in Jack's back yard

it was worth living in Texas
if only for the smoked brisket
that Miss Rhonda would bring
for school celebrations

it was worth living in Texas
for the warmth of friendships
the flashes of hope
in my darkness of living

It was worth living in Texas
for te sound of Wendy's
voice and ukulele
singing Roy Orbison's "Crying"

it was worth living in Texas
where the hippies are older
but still sincere
still believing

now I live in Oregon
where the weed is good and legal
and the sky is gray and wet
except for July and August

it's okay
the weather's a whole lot cooler
Portland is liberal
most of the hippies 
are young and sincere

but I will always miss Texas
where life is worth it

connect

open up the email
check for numbers on your phone
I need contact
with somebody
pick up the receiver
"hi, nobody's home"
I'm looking for some contact
can anybody connect
me with a friendly face
I'm lost here in last place
in this human race
I am running in my walker

I don't care anymore

I don't wanna sing about peace
I don't want to sing about love
I don't want to speak about brotherhood
or sisterhood
or any hood thereof
I don't want to think about politics
it all makes me sick
the only thing that'll do the trick
is making the whiskey stronger
making the high last so much longer
man, you'd think I would be stronger
than I am
I'm in a fucked-up jam
'cause I don't give a damn, that's for sure

I don't care anymore

fuckin' asshole so-called friend of mine

I thought you were my friend
how stupid can I be
I know now that you believe
that you're too good for me
I know now you were lying
to my face the entire time
go to hell, already
fuckin' asshole so-called friend of mine

I thought you were my friend
how was I to know
when trouble came into my life
you'd be the first to go
to you, being a honest
is a god-forsaken crime
go fuck yourself, already
fuckin' asshole so-called friend of mine

no trespassing sign

burn all these memories
every one is wasted time
there is no answer to be found
just a no trespassing sign
I put it up to keep out
the people I need most
I ain't saying I'm keeping count
but everyone has become a ghost

take away these stupid dreams
grow up and leave them behind
their reality won't let me in
all I see is a no trespassing sign
I search for peace in my own way
pull out my mental microscope
but my strength has chosen not to stay
and took with it my sense of hope

eclipse

sky growing darker
moon overtaking the sun
only once, then gone

sequoia (rewrite one)

I've lived in this city 
'most all of my life
the asphalt surrounds me 
where weeds used to grow
in this two-bit apartment
I watch time pass me by
and dream about places 
I never will know

down at the corner, 
an old pine tree stands
proud and tall,
out of place in this town
planted a long time ago 
by some stranger's hand
and for whatever reason, 
was never chopped down

          sometimes I sit 
          in an afternoon kitchen
          with a cup of hot coffee 
          and an unbroken dream
          and I stare out the window 
          to that big old tree
          and I swear
          sometimes it looks like sequoia to me

if a tree can claim space
on the corner of my block
maybe I've got a place
on this good earth below
maybe we're all just seeds
tossed in cracks in the sidewalk
putting in roots
and needing to grow

          sometimes I sit 
          in an afternoon kitchen
          with a cup of hot coffee 
          and an unbroken dream
          and I stare out the window 
          to that big old tree
          and I swear
          sometimes it looks like sequoia to me

one more sequoia verse

if a tree can claim space
on the corner of my block
maybe I'll find my place
on this good earth below
we're just like seeds tossed
in a crack in the sidewalk
putting in roots
and needing to grow

just yesterday

I still see you
like it was just yesterday
after the parties
drunk at Denny's
talking shit
I still expect you
to walk in the door your usual way
needing to piss
too much beer
overdoing it a bit

          so why did you leave
          and why am I still here
          I don't know what to believe
          my eyes aren't clear

I can still hear you
like it was just yesterday
slide on finger
pick in hand
glass on strings
I still expect you
to get your guitar and play
Keith Richard
Lou Reed
you made Santa Paula sing

          so why did you leave
          and why am I still here
          there are things I can't conceive
          that you heard crystal clear

I can still learn from you
like it was just yesterday
melodies
lyrics
you saved my life, you know
I still expect you
to share your magic 
microphones
and music
voices on the radio

          so why did you leave
          and why am I still hear
          I have no idea
          the answer's not clear
          why did you leave
          why am I still here
          I hope to be with you
          after I disappear

I still see you
like it was just yesterday

this fuckin' world

this fuckin' world
Jesus Christ
can you believe
this mess we're in
you try and try
with all your might
and each time
it's harder to begin
again
maybe you just can't win
but giving in 
is a crying shame
and a secular sin
this fuckin' world
the fuckin' people within

this fuckin' world
holy smokes!
every single day
the rich guy steals
from the poot
and claims it's the holy way
okay
I have no idea what to say
but giving in
can't be an option
we must have faith someway
this fuckin' world
I can only hope to see
people like you and me
taking responsibility
for this fuckin' world

we have to believe

another sequoia verse

if a tree can claim space
on the corner of my block
maybe I'll find my place
on this brown dirt below
we're only seeds
tossed in cracks in the sidewalk
putting in roots
and needing to grow

eternal valentine

let's synchronize our watches
to 3/4 time
let's make sure our phrases
are all perfect rhymes
I will be your 
eternal valentine
and you can be mine too

sequoia (last verse attempt)

if I could speak the language of trees
I'd ask how it felt to be so tall
I'd ask all about the old memories
and hear the questions it asks of us all
and if I could answer back
I'd nod and say "You're not alone"
we're all just weeds in a sidewalk crack
wanting and needing to grow

orphan verses

if I knew how to answer back
I'd say "you're not alone"
we're all weeds in a sidewalk crack
needing to grow


where rich people
control our lives
in the name of freedom


pull up the blinds
open up the front door
take off your clothes
and say "hello, world!"
take my advice or not
either way you're done for
you better believe
that ain't how you win a girl

ask

I know your life is perfect
right on time
going as planned
money 
job
apartment
entertainment on demand
but someday it's gonna crumble down
into grains of sand
and you're gonna need to hold
somebody's hand

          you may think you're down and out
          and not up to the task
          but all you gotta do is ask
          all you gotta do is ask

I know you got your burdens
but let me lay mine down, too
though now it's just a memory
I was once like you
I'd stand behind my foolish pride
to hide the pain I knew
and the more painful it got
the more I withdrew

          you can say you can't make friends
          and that smile's just a mask
          all you gotta do is ask
          all you gotta do is ask
          
I got my share of troubles, friend,
but tell me about your's
this world's touch
is hard and rough
and too tough to ignore
sometimes at night
I fold my hands
and my knees rest on the floor
I say to whatever's up there
"what is this sorrow for?"

          you can panic
          you can curse
          but now you can relax
          all you gotta do is ask
          all you gotta do is ask
          all you gotta do is ask
          all you gotta do is ask

holding pattern

I've been in this holding pattern so long
I'm running out of gas
aren't you tired of having to be so strong
well, I'm glad you asked
'cause I've been down so long
that it looks like up to me
plus backwards and sideways
is the only path I see

we've been in this holding pattern so long
we're running out of steam
I don't know how we ever got so wrong
with our American dream
we all search our hearts
for some sense to make it through
but we're still gonna destroy our world
if it's the last thing we do
it'll be the last thing to do

in my dream

in my dream
I was young again
lying in the soft, wavy grass
in the field that had no end
my dog ran to me
ready to lick my face
excited
glad that I was here.

I could die that way,
I suppose,
and it would be merciful
and sweet
like a whisper of wind
that refuses to stop

creepy little eyes

I never liked the city much
it's loud and filthy
in more ways than one
it's got scary people 
with creepy little eyes
and none of them ain't much fun
they look at you sideways
suspicious and snide
a predator waiting to strike
following your footsteps
and planning their plans
to do something you won't like

trouble's following you

I've lost my sense of humor
and I can't find it
I've looked everywhere I know
I've looked inside bottles
and pipes and powders
anywhere money can blow

it's probably somewhere 
with my common sense
hanging out
enjoying the show
of watching me scramble
like a headless turkey
to a future remaining unknown

          oh oh oh
          I got nowhere to go
          oh oh oh
          there ain't nothing I know
          oh oh oh
          you better look out below
          trouble's following you
          trouble's following you

making excuses

lately I spend all my time
making excuses for you
I tell myself reasons
that I know aren't true
maybe you got lost in traffic
maybe your phone doesn't work
maybe your computer is broken
maybe you just think I'm a jerk

it doesn't really matter
whatever you do
I've become an expert
at making excuses for you
I'll forgive your rejections
I'll accept all your lies
I'll conjure up stores
with whatever logic applies

           the truth's right in front of me
           it's true you plainly see
           you're too good for me 
           and my problem is
           I completely agree

but still I waste my time
making excuses for you
seems I don't have the sense
to know when something's through
I hope someday I wake up
with a real point of view
but until that day comes my way
I'll be making excuses for you

glue (another round)

today you are glue
and your only job
is to keep yourself together
take care what you do
and you'll make it through
any kind of stormy weather
          
          today your emotions
          are not under full control
          pretend you're at the ocean
          don't it feel wonderful

today you are glue
it might be best 
to find yourself a shelter
I'm watching you
as far as I'm concerned
your first name is Elmer

          today those neurons
          are firing like the fourth of July
          I know it's no fun
          so watch Netflix and stay inside

today you are glue
you'll try to mend
the broken pieces
just play it cool
to do what you must do
takes Mohammed Buddha Jesus

          .hide under covers
           if that's what you have to do
           there is no other way today
           so take good care of you
           do what you need to do
           you know it's true
           today you are glue

meltdown

had a meltdown this morning

lasted all day long

had a meltdown this morning

lasted all day long

my brain and my emotions

just can't get along

I take my medicine

daily as prescribed

keep track of my nutrition

beer is not imbibed 

but I still had a meltdown

and it damn near took my life

          people on the street

          look as normal as can be

          in other words they look

          a whole lot different than me

          one minute I'm so happy

          yeah, near satisied

          twenty minutes later

          I'm on the suicide hotline

doctor, doctor

tell me what I can take

I'm always asleep and 

I got no reason to wake

you're gonna have a meltdown

your birth was a pitiful mistake

had a meltdown this morning

lasted all day long

had a meltdown this morning

lasted all day long

my brain and my emotions

just can't get along

someone else's shoes

I don't usually drink
this hour of the morning
but today I'll make an exception
every time I think
it's nothing but a warning
that each step is a misdirection
every mistake I could made
I have made it
union dues to be blue
it's true I have paid it
never mind who is to blame
the outcome is always the same
bad luck is calling my name
and it ain't good news
I want to walk in someone else's shoes