deadline

this is my last chance to say something
before the deadline ends
I've done my best
maybe I failed the test
but I'll be trying once again
because that's all I know how to do
life's no game of pretend
so witness these words and let them go
what they know I can't comprehend

story

I am too frightened
to see myself in the mirror
to hear myself on voice mail
to play my own songs
speak my own words
tell my own stories
which is all good, I suppose,
but:
even if I don't play my own songs
even if I never hear my voice
even if I practice silence
I will still have a story to tell
because, like it or not,
the story keeps being written

in this tamale

in this tamale I can taste
all those Christmases before
when presents were purchased
at the downtown goodwill store
but family was all around
to keep the children safe an sound
and the wolves away from the door
in this tamale I can taste
all the Christmases before

doorstep

I'm on your doorstep
can I take one more step
onto the high wire 
to your heart
did I mention
I've got some questions
about the wildfire
we're about the spark

I don't want you changing
or rearranging
I like you fine just
the way you are
I know for certain
I'm through with hurting
I need the stardust
of your sweet charms

thankful

I am thankful for the moments
when I don't have to think
about what is wrong
what is right
what's the meaning
of my life
everything is
black or white
there are no shades of gray
sometimes I don't feel the need
to take some drugs and drink
I feel so warm
lying in bed
no need for pillows
over my head
I don't have the wish
of being dead
here's all I got to say
I'm thankful for making it through
another day

calm

I wanna be calm
I want brain cells to slide
back inside
where they're supposed to be
I wanna be calm
take me far away
I need to stay
not too close to me
can't you see
that I, I, I, I
don't know what to do
I wanna be calm
just like you

I wanna be normal
I want to find myself
like everybody else
not be such a freak
I'm not so horrible
I want to be someone
I can count upon
so to speak
I can't compete
because I, I, I, I
am lost as lost can be
I wanna be calm
please pass me the bong
I wanna be calm
just like you
and not like me

night

the night is a haunted daydream
the night is where I disappear
the night is spending my money
on cocaine, women and beer
the night hollers
"boy, where's your sense at?"
the boy hollers
"hey! I'm standing right here!"
the night is a few darkened hours
made up of a lifetime of fear

woe is me

I don't want to do what's right
I want to stay up all night
think too much by candlelight
oh, woe is me
I just want to do what's wrong
play the blues an sing along
I'm too damn weak to be strong
oh, woe is me

          woe is me
          can't you see
          it's the only way
          I know how to be
          you may disagree
          you may not be pleased
          but I'm down on my knees
          woe is me

born middle aged (new verses)

when I was a boy
I looked out the window to see
when I was a boy I looked out then window
what did I see
other children
a lot more normal than me

I wanted to be special
but I always knew my place
I was not a child who smiled
I always knew my place
right at the back the line
of the entire human race

headless chicken

mental illness comes raging, raging
into your brain
something flips on a switch
and then nothing's the same
and you have to believe it
you have to believe it
your mind can't conceive what's real
'cause you really can't see it
you simply must be it
the enemy in whatever you feel

mental illness comes calling, falling
into your front door
pounding, ringing, lying, lying
more each time than before
and still you believe it
still you believe
you panic as if it's the truth
your mind runs around
like a headless chicken
trying to do
exactly what it can't do

because
mental illness will find you
remind you
that all that you stand for is falling
don't answer the door
please learn from before
ignore
mental illness is calling

I did not eat the donut

today I did not eat the donut
today I did not smoke all my weed
today I am depriving myself
of all I emotionally need
today I did not drink the whiskey
today I did not buy a gun
today I entirely made damn well sure
I wouldn't have any fun

today I called my sponsor
today I took my meds
today I took all of the steps
to make sure I don't wake up dead
today I stayed hydrated
which meant all day I had to pee
man, what a pain in the fuckin' ass
it makes to take care of me

          I could do as I please
          but small victories
          are all that keep me alive
          I spend all day long
          on the right side of wrong
          the only way I'll survive
          (or so they tell me...)

today I intend to be mindful
today I intend to try hard
today I intend to open the door
and walk outside the front yard
today I did not eat the donut
I did not give in to my sorrow
today I did most all that I could
to face another tomorrow

imaginary life

every morning I wake up
and look at my Oscar
that's right, an academy award
I never feel like 
I'm an imposter
in fact, I'm well aware
it's much deserved

welcome to my
imaginary life
welome to my
imaginary life

okay?

let me be okay, okay?
even if for just one day
I want to know how it feels to say
that I'm glad I'm living
every morning I awake
to a world where I'm a mistake
my mind won't step on the breaks 
and the road's so unforgiving

I don't know what to say, okay?
there's a million red lights in my way
most of them are ones I've made
just why I have to wonder
I'm driving off my hometown pier
I know I'm going to disappear
I'm not waving
I'm drowning here
three times and I'm under

          let me be okay
          tell me I'm okay
          I only want to be okay
          but I can't be okay

anyway, 
I'm still trying, okay?
sun comes up 
another day
to break out of this cage
and look out with my own eyes
let me be okay, okay?
even if for just one day
I only want to know how it feels to say
I'm glad I'm alive

what I keep doing

c'mon, God, show me the reason
why my mind is out of whack
it must be some kind of treason
to hurt yourself and strike right back
but I keep doing
what I keep doing
as if it's gonna change somehow
yeah, I keep doing
what I keep doing
as if it stops the pain somehow
as if it's gonna work right now

c'mon, God, what am I doing
why have you forsaken me
my hope has crumbled to ruin
look where my life has taken me
but I keep doing
what I keep doing
as if I get to start anew
I keep doing
what I keep doing
'cause that's all I know how to do

          give me comfort
          give me strength
          'cause I will go
          to any length

to keep on doing
what I keep doing
to get out of this traffic jam
yeah, I keep doing
what I keep doing
'cause that's exactly who I am
that's exactly who I am

gratitude

I have a problem with gratitude
and I don't have a clue
to what's my problem
I've been told I should change my attitude
think all those problems through
and try to solve them
I'm thankful
I sincerely am
for the blessings I've been given
it's just my brain's
been a traffic jam
from the cradle
up to heaven

I have a problem with gratitude
I need to set myself loose
to learn it
but give me enough latitude
I'll take the truth
and overturn it
I'm thankful
I'm talking true
I'm privileged and I know it
it's just my brain
will not do
the new things I try to show it

I have a problem with gratitude
but I think
I know what to do now
I hope I'm not being rude
but listen
I'm telling you now
that I'm thankful
for this life
I'm grateful for the view
when I look
with my own two eyes
at you

I have a problem with gratitude
yeah, gratitude's one of many problems
but you got me feeling good
and give me strength to solve them

I wait (possible verse change)

I wait
for a touch like a whisper
the voice another
soft in my mind
but I
don't ear it calling
all the while I'm falling
further and further behind

I'm meditating

lazy afternoon
just me, myself and I
thinkin' 'bout thinkin' 'bout nothing
while life passes me by
I'm wasting time
the fault's not mine
and I'm
confessing to the crime
don't bother me
can't you see
I'm meditating

breathe in
breathe out
thinkin' 'bout thinkin' 'bout nothing
with too many thoughts to count
I could be doing
something else
like feeling sorry
for myself
don't bother me
can't you see
I'm meditating

          I could be self-medicating
          like I usually do
          I could be masturbating
          (I know you're thinking "ew")
          I could spend time creating
          masterworks of mind
          I could be cultivating
          something with this time

instead I'm
inhaling
exhaling
thinkin' 'bout thinkin' 'bout nothing
forget about failing
I'm right at home
I'm in the zone
where I don't think
'bout what's unknown
don't bother me
can't you see
I'm meditating

I'm off my meds

I'm off my meds
I'm off my meds
I'm off my meds 
I'm off my mm-mm-mm-
medication can be your friend
but I ain't gonna take 'em no more
those days are at an end
let's see what's next in store

          I don't give a damn
          what all my doctors say
          side effects like lack of sex
          are just too much to pay

I'm off my meds
I'm off my meds
I'm off my meds
I'm off my mm-mm-mm-
 maybe I'll find peace of mind
if I leave behind those pills
not to mention the money's mine
that I don't spend on pharmacy bills

          I don't give a damn
          about all this mental health
          I don't need assistance
          if I only trust myself

I'm off my meds
I'm off my meds
that's what I said
I'm off my
I'm off my
I'm outta my head
I'm off my meds

take these memories

take these memories
pack them in a cardboard box
and hide it from me

a sick day

today I am having a sick day
mental illness strikes again
and (not to be overdramatic)
there is no fuckin' hope
does mental illness lie?
I can only guess

mental illness strikes again

you never know where
you never know when
or if it's disguised
as your best friend
but you know it's coming
'round the bend
mental illness
strikes again

it's in the water
it's in your backyard
it's like a snake
and it bites hard
and the venom flows
throughout your brain
mental illness 
strikes again

          you can push the needles
          you can take those pills
          but you won't find nothing
          to cure what's I'll

welcome to your future
made up from your past
God only knows
this time
how long it will last
breathe in deep
count to ten
be aware of who is
and who's not your friend
do your best
to not let it in
mental illness
mental illness
mental illness strikes again

Fuck you, too

What's going on, farmboy? How are you feeling? Any improvement since we talked the other day?

No, man, none at all. I thought things were improving, but they're not. They're back to the same old fuckin' shit, like they always are.

Who are 'they'?

Things. Every fuckin' thing. I can't lose weight or get in shape. I have a circus sideshow freak body that refuses to let me look or feel normal. I don't know what the fuck to do, man.

So all that anger gets filed away with the accident, my inability to have and keep friends, my complete lack of musical and lyrical talent, and the traumas and humiliations of my childhood, which I can't fuckin' get over. and, so now, here I am, broken and damaged. Thanks, life. Fuck you, too.

So now what, farmboy? Where do you go from here.

To Klonopin and weed, man. And food. And, hopefully, sleep. Anything to not have to think all the fuckin' time about how I am rejected from everything once again. I need to kill the hope inside of me before it gets me killed.

A fool never fuckin' learns, man.

guilty as sin

I'm sitting in the bathtub
with my clothes on
and I'm completely afraid to move
'cause when I move
bad things happen
mistakes and bad luck
that cannot be removed
so here I am
here I remain
no one to call me
by a number or a name
anyway
the verdict is the same
where to begin?
guilty as sin

Working for nothing

Fuckin' world.

What's wrong with the world, farmboy?

You name it. Stupid world. 

I'm just frustrated, man. I've been walking, doing to the gym, eating correctly, and I've only three pounds in the last two months. Three fuckin' pounds! It's the fuckin' story of my life, man. You work and you work and you work and there are no results.

Actually, you lost three pounds...

Okay, almost no results.Whatever.

I'm just so fuckin' sick of this. This working for nothing. It's like a metaphor for my alleged music career. Or anything else. I'm a fuckin' loser, man.

No, you're not, farmboy.

Whatever.

chores

I got chores
they've taken over my mind
tugging at my sleeves
nagging to remold me
there's more
chores
left undone
my chores
have escalated
they make everything 
complicated
my chores
have scored
a home run

          call 911
          emergency
          my inner will is breaking
          I say "you're not the boss of me"
          my chores say "you're mistaken"

I got chores
they run me around
every step I take
feels like a thousand pounds
oh Lord
I can't take any more
chores

born middle aged rewrite

I was born middle aged
I don't remember being young
I was born middle aged
I don't remember being young
service was my future
bitterness my native tongue

you are not men

you are not men
I don't know what you are
but you are not men
all the shit that you're consuming
the women you treat like they're not human
seems like you have no room in
your alleged heart
for any form of decency

trust

this is how it goes in my life:

I don't trust you
I don't trust you
I don't trust you
I don't trust you

I trust you

hey, where're you going?

yes in a world of no #2

everyone's heartbroken
and somehow still go on
looking for a sign of hope
when all hope is gone
I need to keep on pushing
a voice inside says so
it says be on the lookout
for yes in a world of no
yes in world of no