take care of yourself out there

take care of yourself out there
it's a jungle
and the wolves are at your door
and whatever you do, beware
it's a parasite
that wants more and more and more
and what is a person to do
when the enemy's inside of you
and you don't know what it's all about
what is a person to do
when the enemy's inside of you
and it's pushing
always pushing
to come out

suicide note #3

I'm looking at you
you decided I wasn't good enough for you
I guess I was asking for too much
this wanting friends
this not wanting to be alone all the time
this wanting financial security
this being noticed for the craft and talent
the joke was on me all along

if I had the courage
I would shoot myself
I would take life-ending drugs
I would set myself on fire
but not before I tell everyone
how you contributed to my death
I'm looking at you
you think you're guilt free
but it's your fault

fuck you
and the loaded gun
you've handed to me
with the engraved invitation

suicide note #2

so I guess God didn't hear me the first time

today's prayer

have I wasted my entire life
praying prayers that don't get answered
what the fuck is wrong with me
to make you punish me so

not be stopped

I am bad luck
and I will not be stopped

away from me

well, I'll be a bastard
and a son of a bitch
I can't figure out
which is which
is which I am
is which I am
I wind up in
a traffic jam
and how can it be
that I can't run
away from me

suicide note #1

I don't think depression lies
depression always tells the truth
it's so hard being worthless
and undeserving of joy
it takes a lot of work to keep going
I need the courage
to kill myself

dead

I am dead
but nobody knows it yet
soon they won't see me around
then they'll just forget
until I am found
full of grief, they will be
they weren't around 
and now they're feeling guilty
and I'm glad
I'm so glad
suicide may have been the most fun
that I have ever had

          I am dead
          I am dead
          let the voices ring from overhead
          it's with pride
          I have died
          and left you with all this guilt instead

nothing

I got nothing to say
I'm sorry
I'm finished

bad luck, bad luck

I got a bad feeling
and I don't know what to call it
my mind is a-reeling
and there's nothing in my wallet
it's like being rolled over
by a cement truck
I guess it's
bad luck, bad luck

there's a hundred thousand voices
screaming in my brain
saying I've made the wrong choices
and I got no right to complain
I used to keep moving
but now I'm stuck
with this
bad luck, bad luck

          whether it's in life or love
          I can't seem to be myself
          each night I ask the Lord above
          can't I have anything else?

I just can't define
this sadness I feel
it takes over my mind
and refuses to heal
I just need a life
where I don't give a fuck
about this
bad luck, bad luck

on a trip

leaving on a trip
I'll be gone for the whole weekend
melodies await

into the quiet

it's too much
these thoughts in my head
I need something
better instead
like tall grass
and a river
and dreams to
deliver me
into the quiet

it's too loud
these voices in my brain
clickity-clack
like a fast-moving train
I need the sky
to defend me
and the earth
to send me
into the quiet

          I don't want anyone around
          I don't need to hear a single sound

it talks too much
my confused mind
leaves everything
so undefined
all I need
are the stars at night
and a mental state
to take me right
into the quiet
into the quiet

cat could play

you should have known him
oh man, cat could play
soft and careful 
weren't his way
cat could play
oh, the cat could play
he played harmonica
guitar too
wasn't anything
he couldn't do 
cat could play
oh the cat could play
all night and day
oh, cat could play

normal

I keep waiting
for normal
to become my life
so many twists and turns
even when it feels like
nothing ever happens
something happens
that I can't see

someone else's skin

sometimes I feel
like I'm in someone else's skin
people mistake me for somebody else
and they're waiting for me to be him
and do everything they say
and then I look the other way
sometimes I feel
like I'm in someone else's skin

sometimes I wait
for someone to listen to me
instead of some stranger
of which everybody agrees
the person they have in mind
is an entirely different kind
sometimes I wait
for someone to listen to me

          help me out here
          I could use a hand
          everybody wants someone
          that I can't understand

sometimes I feel
like I'm in someone else's skin
and no matter which way I turn
I'm a crime and  sin
I'm sad that they'll never see
the person inside of me
sometimes I feel
like I'm in someone else's skin

everything's safe

I don't know 
how long this will last
the future becomes the present
and the present becomes the past
but right now, 
in the simplest way
everything's safe

look at us
we're still here
a little bitter, maybe,
but eventually sincere
but right now
we're close to okay
everything's safe

          every day's a jungle
          in everything we do
          we fall and trip and tumble
          but we always make it through

in this world
of worry and greed
we've each other,
and that's all we need
but right now
we've got today
and everything's safe
everything's safe

a friend to me

I remember you, my old friend
you're out with your new friends
I guess you're happy now
life gets kind of rough
when you're not good enough
I thought we'd stay friends somehow
I was so damn stupid
to think I meant anything to you
the only thing that you did
was to reject somebody you knew
and still I thought
still I believed
that you were
a friend to me

I still don't understand
what I did to make you not give a damn
but I know you're living well
new friends with expensive clothes
some of these and some of those
money talks
I guess I couldn't tell
you didn't even let me know
that's what people do these days
you have to learn as you go
that some people just go away
and still I thought
still I believed
that you were
a friend to me

          I was ignorant
          I was wrong
          but you knew that
          all along

go ahead
stay away
I can't believe a word you say
now I realize what you are
go ahead
take me off your list
forget the fact that
I exist
pretend that you don't know me from afar
you're such a fucking coward
you couldn't even face me
you prove you have the power
to replace me
and still I thought
still I believed
that you were
a friend to me

I was wrong
as you can see

stranger on the bus

good conversation
about art and my sister
stranger on the bus

it ain't the end of the world

I know one thing for certain
when you're hurtin'
it ain't the end of the world
your heart may be breaking
but you're mistaken
if you thinking you're nobody's girl
I been watching you from afar
thinking "she's a movie star"
you're just trying to cope
girl, I know you got hope
it ain't the end of the world

I miss Texas

I miss Texas
I miss all my friends
why did I leave?
it's those republicans
who run the state
and spread their hate
it's enough to drive you mad
but sometimes I miss Texas
and the good times there I had

quench my thirst

if I blow out my brains with a handgun
I'll tell you how I'll quench my thirst
I'm taking some people out with me
and you're gonna be first
of all the revenge in my mind
this is how I'm gonna do it
I'm gonna post your name on Facebook
and tell how you led me to it
then this is what everyone will do
they'll blame my suicide on you

went back home

last night I dreamed
I went back home
and everybody
that I'd ever known
had forgotten about me
now I'm standing alone
is there anybody here?

sick day

I'm sorry
I ain't feeling so well
and it's heading to my brain
I can tell
I'm full of misery
I'm full of doubt
I'm full of
whatever you can be full about
it might be catching
so stay away
I'm having a sick day
I'm having a sick day

I'm staying home
I'm staying in bed
I mean, what the hell
what was I going to do instead
go outside
maybe take a walk
in the neighborhood
around the block
but that's not my style
it ain't my way
I'm having a sick day
I'm having a sick day

          staying under the covers
          wishing I wasn't myself
          if I had my druthers
          I'd have good mental health   

don't call the doctor
don't call my therapist
I'll be all right now
I'll take care of this
I just need a full day
of resting for help
before I can face the work 
of being myself
so don't you worry
I'll be okay
I'm having a sick day
I'm having a sick day

I would be your lighthouse

if I could love you enough
would the pain go away
I know the going gets rough
well, life ain't no bouquet
of roses in spring
that bloom in the midday sun
would it help if I told you
that's how your journey's begun

          know if I could see
          this path you must travel alone
          I would be your lighthouse
          and guide you safely home

If I could love you enough
if I knew how
I would be loving you
just like I do right now
I think about you
with your chosen race to run
would it help if I told you
that's how your journey's begun

          know if I could see
          this path you must travel alone
          I would be your lighthouse
          and guide you safely home

          I would be your lighthouse
          and guide you safely home

don't forget me

don't forget me
I exist
please don't cross me
off your list
I'm someone
who used to be your friend
don't forget me
I'm still here
I have not
disappeared
I'm knocking on your door
again 

          please
          don't forget me

don't forget me
here I am
I am not
a traffic jam
I'll give you
all the freedom that you need
don't forget me
I'm alive
I'm not a case of
shuck and jive
I'm someone who has
shared your history

          please
          don't forget me

don't expect me
to go away
listen to the words I say
I'm begging now
don't put me in the past
don't ignore me
I'm standing here
the line is drawn
the coast is clear
don't think of me
as something that couldn't last

          please
          don't forget me

don't forget me
I exist
please don't cross me
off your list
I'm someone
who used to be your friend

proud of yourself

you could have let me know
you could have said 
a sentence or two
you could have let me know
so I could do 
what I have to do
but instead you had
to have your way
with no thought about
anyone else
is there anything
you have to say
are you feeling
proud of yourself

you could have been a friend
you could have stopped
your two-timing ways
now we have come to an end
I'm seeing daylight
through the haze
but instead you thought
of only you
without a clue
or a reason to help
what do you want me to do
are you feeling
proud of yourself

          don't come around here
          anymore
          I don't want you knocking
          on my front door

you could have used your words
you could have quit
your deceiving style
this may seem absurd
but there's a lying face
beneath that smile
but instead
you stabbed me in the back
like the coward
that you are
I've been under constant attack
but that will only go so far
hear my words
get to hell
are you feeling
proud of yourself

lots of thoughts

I got lots of thoughts
they've got my stomach
tied up in knots
I want to put them in a mailbox
and send them far, far away
I got lots of thoughts
but they don't thicken the plot
each one is a forget-me-not
that's here to stay

so I self medicate
and try to meditate
so I can appreciate
my mind
but it don't work for me
it's just a jerk to me
means lots of hurt for me
the emotional kind

I got lots of thoughts
but they can't give me what I want
it's like a case of chicken pox
without any cure
I got lots of thoughts
playing a game of
beat the clock
sometimes they come as a shock
lately I'm not so sure

so I take Klonopin
to quiet the voice within
then maybe I can begin
to rest
but thoughts come back to me
intrusively
maybe more therapy
would suit me the best

I got lots of thoughts
sometimes I think
that's all I've got
tying my stomach in knots
thoughts
think they're here to stay
thoughts
please go away

that's me

I don't need your pity, sir
I am a man of means
I just choose to wear no shoes
with drool on these ripped jeans
and speaking of ripped
that's what I am
as you can plainly see
drunk and stoned
and headed home
that's me

they told you

they told you
since you could open your eyes
that you were worthless
so it came as no surprise
when you grew into a man
you were broken in two
there could never be anyone
as useless as you
that's what they told you
that's what they told you

they told you
you were not as expected
so you turned and leaned to
the wrong direction
when you grew into a man
you knew what master to serve
there is nothing in this world
you truly deserve
that's what they told you
that's what they told you

they told you
never to argue
never to complain
now you're injecting
that shit through your veins
when you grew into a man
you stayed a little kid
waiting for punishment
for whatever you did
that's what they told you
that's what they told you

they told you
before you learned how to walk
how peril exists
in the way that they talked
when you grew into a man
no one on your side
how could you have known
that they lied
that they lied
it was all they told you
lies
that's what they told you
that's what they told you

other people's outsides

I'm always comparing my insides
to other people's outsides
and no matter what I do
I always wind up short
I've got my excuses
but fact is, the truth is
this ain't no baseball game
and life is not a sport

          look at you
          look at me
          I know which one of us
          I'd rather be

I'm always comparing my failures
to hopeful persuaders
I don't want to hear
the cold, hard facts
I've got my reasons
but now they're teasing me
and no matter what I do
I don't know how to react

          look at me
          look at you
          I know which of us
          doesn't have a clue

I'm always comparing my insides
to other people's outsides
I do it over and over again
knowing I'll never win

collateral damage

this is me
walking now
talking like
I don't know how
I have spent
too many days
fighting my way
out of this maze
I am wounded
I am sore
I am collateral damage
nothing more

I'm guilty

no matter what I do
no matter what I say
no matter what I think
I'm guilty
guilty of my petty crimes
my rapid decline
of my own design 
make sure mistakes
are underlined
I'm guilty

everything I see
everything I want
everything I need
I'm guilty
guilty of not learning lessons
I'm at work messin'
with a Catholic session
get the priest
take my confession
I'm guilty

          guilty as charged
          I'm a criminal
          who's at large

give me a hint of hope
give me some kind of touch
give me peace of mind
I'm guilty
guilty of taking space
taking first base
in the human race
you know what would be amazing?
grace
I'm guilty
please get me out of this place
I'm guilty