nothing

nothing ever works
nothing ever changes
it all stays the same
nothing ever rearranges
nothing is who I am
nothing is who I'll be
everywhere I look
this is the future for me

trigger 3

I don't need you
were the words you said
find somebody 
else instead
so I got the bullet
I counted one
all I need
to get the job done
to put an end
to my worthless pain
I'm pulling the trigger
and you're to blame

if I could
I'd see your face
in your moment of
complete disgrace
no reason left
for me to live
I cannot begin
to forgive
whatever I choose
it's all the same
I'm pulling the trigger
and you're to blame

this is what you've done
to your former friend
you've finally brought him
to this end
you're living free
but I got the gun
and a single bullet
only one
it's either you or me
this ain't a game
I'm pulling the trigger
and you're to blame

better way of living

you hurt me
more than you know
so I guess
it's time for me to go
hand me that shotgun
I'll put in to my head
I'll find a better way of living
when I'm dead

does it feel good
to know you brought me to this
my aim's real good
there's no way that I'll miss
there's no other answer
I can turn to instead
I'll find a better way of living
when I'm dead

          when I'm dead and gone from you
          I'll find some better things to do
          you're saying I'm chicken
          but I know that I'm brave
          your life is defined
          by my bones in a grave

you hurt me
with the greatest of speed
you deserted me
in my time of need
there's no other path
to which I'd be led
I'll find a better way of living
when I'm dead

trigger 2

I dare you
were the words you said
go shoot yourself
in the head
so I got the bullet
I counted one
all I need
to get the job done
to put an end
to my worthless pain
I'm pulling the trigger
and you're to blame

if I could
I'd see your face
in your moment of
complete disgrace
there's nothing left
for me to live
I cannot begin
to forgive
whatever I choose
it's all the same
I'm pulling the trigger
and you're to blame

this is what you've done
to your former friend
you've finally brought him
to this end
you're living free
I got the gun
I've loaded the bullet
only one
either you or me
it's just a game
I'm pulling the trigger
and you're to blame

trigger

I dare you
were the words I said
shoot yourself
in the head
I got the bullet
I counted one
all I need
to get the job done
to put an end
to my worthless name
I'm pulling the trigger
and you're to blame

old man dog (rewrite two)

old man dog
he's my best friend
we'll stick together
till the end
when I am down
he lifts me up
he just sits close
and that's enough
you don't have to live
like a bump on a log
when you've got an old man dog

old man dog
licks my hand
he always knows
and understands
he stands by me
like a good dog should
he's the best dog in
the neighborhood
you're always in
a dialogue
when you've got an old man dog

old man dog
best dog I know
still got a little
get-up-and-go
I may be old
but I still do
and we still got trouble
to get into
you always feel
like you belong
when you've got an old man dog
step into the sun
and out of the fog
get yourself an old man dog

Fuck this shit

Fuckin' god damn son of a bitch. So I fuckin' weighed myself and I've fuckin' gained weight after doing all this walking and eating correctly and using Fitbit and My Fitness Pal, and, Jesus, I just don't know what to fuckin' do. 

I fuckin' hate this life. Fuck this shit.

the original American girl

I have been searching forever
to find you in this big old world
hiding where I could not find you
the original American girl
you were not under a streetlight
you were not the devil or the deep blue sea
you were standing in my rear view mirror
I thought you were looking at me
I thought you were looking at me

not afraid

I'm not afraid
I can love you like nobody else
my choice is made
and I just can't help myself
I see you in my dreams at night
you're all that makes me feel all right
I wish I may, I wish I might
spend all my life with you

I'm not afraid
I've got courage in my heart
a masquerade
is all that's keeping us apart
I can be the man you want
invitations in classic font
dinner at a fancy restaurant
it's all in store for you

          'cause baby, I'm crazy
          deep in love with you
          baby I'm crazy
          nobody else will do

I'm not afraid
you're my only soul's desire
call the brigade
they can't put out this fire
you're the only one I need
with this love I plant the seed
for our future, yes indeed
no one else will do
I want to spend my life with you
it's true
I'm not afraid

in the name of mental health

I can't let go
of this foolish idea
that I don't have to be sad
all the damn time
I do the work
I see a therapist
I take medications
as they are prescribed
I walk everyday
take care of myself
all in the name
of mental health

I try to be hopeful
I try not to brood
but feeling real bad
is my natural mood
I'm always friendly
I try not to be rude
every night I practice
gratitude
but inside I wish
I was somebody else
all in the name
of mental health

give me a reason
to keep on trying
I'm trying to be positive
but there's no denying
everyday
I feel like I'm dying
you see this smile
but inside I'm crying
I'm looking for someone
who maybe can help
all in the name
of mental health

another day on planet earth

it's another day on planet earth

and another chance to see what I am worth

I've searched for meaning since my birth

and I still haven't found it

I've searched the phone book with a fine-toothed comb

but the only answer that I've known

is a stranger's voice on the telephone

telling me there's no way around it

          where am I going

          what will I do

          I keep searching for reason

          I keep questioning you

          I don't know where I'm going

          but I'm going to

          it's all that my weary brain can handle

it's another day in a stranger's land

and I never will quite understand

if anything is under my command

I still haven't found it

the politicians say it's all good

they're preaching in my neighborhood

you belong to us -- that's understood

whatever you do will compound it

          where am I going

          what will I do

          I keep searching for reason

          I keep questioning you

          I don't know where I'm going

          but I'm going to

          it's all that my weary brain can handle

accidents

somebody once told me
there's no such thing as accidents
somebody was wrong
I didn't mean to be
in the middle of the street
when that hot rod came along
he yelled at me
he honked his honk
but I did not hear
my body went to the county morgue
my soul to the atmosphere

old man dog (rewrite one)

old man dog
he's my friend
we'll stick together
till the end
when I am down
he lifts me up
he just sits close
and that's enough
you don't have to live
like a bump on a log
when you've got an old man dog

old man dog
licks my hand
he always knows
and understands
he stands by me
like a good dog should
he's the best dog in
the neighborhood
you're always in
a dialogue
when you've got an old man dog

old man dog
best dog I know
I'm sure gonna miss him
when he or I go
up in heaven
or wherever we'll be
there is no other
dog for me
you always feel
like you belong
when you've got an old man dog
step into the sun
and out of the fog
get yourself an old man dog

give me your silence

give me your silence
I'll give mine in return
between yours and mine
there's a lot that we can learn
let it all go unsaid
all those words that cloud your mind
join me on this journey
let's see what we can find

prison

last night I dreamed
I was in prison
for a crime I did not do
I told the warden
I was innocent
he said the witness was you
I am not guilty
I'm not to blame
my justice will be
proof that I was framed
and when I'm free
I will be
looking for you

Days like this can be dangerous

It's raining outside and so I'm looking at spending the entire day indoors. I'm walking up and down my living room area to get my steps in. Time never waits for the Fitbit, you know.

You're so good at that, walking every day, even if it's indoors.

We'll see. We'll see if I get to the goal. But every step taken is one step closer, or some cliche that I really hate hearing.

I'll tell you one thing that's improved over the past few years since the fuckin' accident. I have, I guess you'd call it, concentration now. I just finished a book. For the longest time I couldn't read, and now I can finish books! It's amazing, I tell you!

What book did you read, farmboy?

The Nickel Boys by Colton Whitehead.

Was it good?

It was great. He's such a good writer. I had read an earlier book of his called The Underground Railroad that won some big award. It was truly amazing, and just fuckin' brutal. It can be hard to read about all that cruelty. I don't know, cruelty seems like a weak word for what went on in the South during those times. Just horrific, I can't imagine it.

So I've been reading a lot, mainly biographies and autobiographies about musicians and songwriters. The Nickel Boys was different in that respect. It's a novel.

So are you going to stay inside and read all day?

I've got practicing and writing that I have to do, and I need to finish the walking, if I can. It will just help make me feel better about myself. Days like this can be dangerous for me; my self esteem can go way down thinking about everything I should be doing. But I'll get through, your know? I'll use weed as a reward, so I won't be smoking for a while.

I think that's a good decision, farmboy. Get some stuff done. Who knows, you may even write a song.

That would be real nice. It's been a few weeks since the last one I completed. I'd like to get a new song. Even though I feel like I can't complain because I've had, and am still going through, a very fruitful time of writing. When it works, there's nothing like it.

So maybe I'll try. At the very least, I'll play for a bit. I'll make the most of this day. Or at least I'll attempt to.

Whatever you get done will be fine.

That's true. Every day goes into the next, and it will all go okay. No reason to freak out here. Move along.

one in a million

everybody wants to believe
they're that one in a million
and in their own way
everybody is right
everybody believes
we were all special children
with the world in our senses
while we turn toward the light

ain't gonna be me

you were nothing
but a fucking waste of time
and I've seen enough
to know you've wasted mine
bromen promises
forsaken lies
someone needs to cut you
down to size
but it ain't gonna be me
no, it ain't gonna be me

I'll be somewhere
where you are not
the chance of us together
is an afterthought
but I ain't thinking, no
there's nothing to see
or if there is
it ain't gonna be me
it ain't gonna be me

throw yourself off the bridge
I don't care
I don't want to
see your face anywhere
I want to erase you
I don't want to be kind
you want someone
I'm leaving you behind
it ain't gonna be me
it ain't gonna be me

you were nothing
but a fucking waste of time

What didn't happen

Man, today has not been a good day at all. I don't know why I continue to go on, I swear to God. 

What happened, farmboy?

More like what didn't happen. Nothing happened in my sorry excuse for a life. I work and work and work and there's never any payoff. How am I supposed to keep going when whatever I do has no bearing on my life.

It's like losing weight. Wouldn't you be pissed if you watched all your calories, ate right, exercised, all the fuckin' shit you're supposed to do -- and nothing firkin' happens. Or if you were to write songs, song after song, for years, only to awaken one day and discover that you have no fuckin' audience, nobody gives a shit about your music. That's what it's like.

No wonder you're frustrated.

I'm fuckin' beyond frustrated, man. I don't have a fuckin' clue. Its too fuckin' hard. I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this anymore. But what do I do? I mean, I'm alive, I've got to fill my time. And if I'm not trying to achieve something, I'm just going to be more fuckin' miserable than I am now.

So you're stuck, farmboy.

I'm fuckin' stuck. No matter what I do, no matter which way I go, my life is damned near unlivable. Because nothing will fuckin' happen! What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I don't know, farmboy. I'm sorry. I know it's hard. I know this isn't the first time you've felt like this, and it probably won't be the last.

But when is something going to fuckin' happen? How can this be happening? I feel like I'm in this alternative world where nothing ever changes for the better. 

I hate to say this, farmboy, but you're just going to have to be patient.

Patient? I've been fuckin' patient all my fuckin' life. It's all I know. Something needs to fuckin' happen. Something needs to fuckin' change.

let's go

I was standing on the corner
minding my own biz
when this dude comes up to me
"Hey, man, what is?"
I told him oh my baby left me
I'm feeling so blue
He looked me in the eyes and said
"me, too"
oh what are we gonna do
we gotta find a way to feel brand new
let's go

I was waiting on the sidewalk
on 24th and Main
when this girl walks up and says
"wanna play a game"
I said what you want
she said what you got
I've had all my shots
and there ain't nothing I've caught
oh what the hell should I do
I looked in her eyes of hazel blue
let's go

          let's go
          I'll follow you down
          let's go
          no reason to stick around

I was swimming in the river
when I heard the train whistle blow
I'm sure it was off
to somewhere I didn't know
so I got onto dry land
put on my shoes
figured out
I had nothing to lose
and I hopped that freight train
away from the blues
oh what am I gonna do
I'm going to see my sweet Bubbles LaRue
let's go

I dreamed I was flying

I dreamed I was flying
over the Pacific
and I woke up
when I heard the alarm
I feel real bad
a lot less than terrific
I knew something was coming
to cause me great harm

tou see, dreams can be
just like real life
they can caress you and cut you
like the blade in a knife
but dreams are not real
though it seems they may be
especially when
they are happening to me

so what am I afraid of
real life or my dreams
they're one and the same
at least that's how it seems
so I'll take my courage
hold it close to my chest
rely on my instincts
and faith will take the rest

hey hey junior

hey hey junior 
where you going with that 
cell phone in your hand
are you going to call your girl
tell her you're her loving man
I know you're scared
but you're doing the best you can
hey hey junior
don't you worry
there's no hurry
take your time

my own religion

I didn't go to Catholic school
we couldn't afford the tuition
but my parents weren't no fools
they made the right decision
I know my soul is right
with all my might
I don't need no permission
I look inside my heart of hearts
to find my own religion

I have to do the work

It's almost noon and I don't feel terrible yet. It's been raining, so I haven't walked yet, but I did meditate. So I've gotta write and I gotta practice and I gotta walk. Along with all that other stuff that everyone does. So I guess it hasn't been a bad day so far. But the day isn't over.

Why does the day have to turn out bad, farmboy?

Oh, it doesn't. I could just live in the present and it wouldn't be bad, you know? If it rained all day and there's nothing for me to do except stay home and play music and read and smoke weed. No harm in that, right?

I guess now, just as long as every day doesn't wind up like that. I've seen you on those kinds of days, and you don't do well, farmboy. You get isolated and lonely and that turns into depression, which turns into anger, and then you're at war with yourself. I've seen it happen again and again.

Whoa! I'm talking about one day and that's not gonna happen. It's not going to rain all day. There'll be time to go outside and walk and see nature. Maybe I'll even go down to the coffee shop and do some reading, but I don't know. I just started my second cup of coffee and I'm not sure I should be drinking more this afternoon.

It's weird, though. I can already feel the blues coming in 'cause I should walk and I should go to the grocery store to buy fruit and vegetables. I feel like such a lazy slob because I haven't walked yet. Not that I particularly like walking, but I do it, and I have to do it so I can lose weight and be in better shape and have a good quality of life.

That's a lot of stuff to place on a walk.

It's true, though. If I want to be the person I want to be, I need to do things like walking and eating fruits and vegetables. I need to go to the gym. I'm really working on getting my life better.

I've noticed, farmboy.

I'm so fuckin' tired of feeling bad about myself. I want to feel like my life has good things about it. So I have to do the work.

Even if I don't want to sometimes.

time is a thief

another day of sorrow
another day of grief
time is ours to borrow
and time is a thief
waiting at your front door
the question: when and how
I'm anguished by your passing
it tells me I'm living now

I do not go to graveyards
if I have a choice
I'm always interrupted
by the sound of my own voice
there's crying in the chapel
there's mercy in the prayers
I'm awakened by your departure
I makes me know I care

one fine day my ashes
will be scattered on the tide
and time and space and reason
will all be on my side
and I will rest easy
and suffering will cease 
time is ours to borrow
and time is a thief

time

another day of sorrow
another day of grief
time is only ours to borrow
and time is a thief
and it's waiting at your front door
the question is when and how
I'm anguished by your passing
it tells me to live right now

I would give anything

I would give anything
for one more shot of whiskey
I would give anything
for one more pint of beer
For me, being sober
is somehow somewhat risky
I would give anything
to be anywhere but here

I would give anything
for one more whiff of powder
lighting up my nostrils
and speeding up my brain
I need more medicine
than what is allowed here
I would give anything
to not feel this pain

I would give anything
to have you right beside me
I would give anything
no matter how hard or tough
you don't know the cruelty
that's growing deep inside me
I would give anything
though I can never get enough
I would do anything
I don't exist without your love

save me a place (rewrite one)

when you get there
and I know you will
when you've reached 
the very top of the hill
now you're in the midst
of amazing grace
save me a place

when all your sorrows
come to an end
and you've said your goodbyes
to family and friends
upwards and onwards
from the human race
save me a place

          peace will come
          to those who wait
          peace is standing guard
          at eternity's gate

when trouble comes calling
you won't be around
now everything's music
listen to the sound
soprano and alto
tenor and bass
save me a place

last night I dreamed
that you had gone home
to a land with no worries
your trials unknown
now you're in the midst
of amazing grace
save me a place
save me a place

Survival in the big city

It's almost time for me to get on the bus and go see my therapist. I do this every week. He's a psychologist and he's very good. He's really come through for me at the times when I've needed him most. 

What are you going to talk about, farmboy?

Whatever's bothering me at the time, which is unfortunately the same stuff that bothers me every time: The fact that nothing ever fuckin' changes no matter how much work and effort I put into it. It's gotten so bad that now I'm completely bored with myself. I just want something to change, and preferably for the better. I've had enough lousy changes to last a fuckin' lifetime.

So you still haven't really answered my question. What are you going to talk about?

The job search, I suppose. About how fuckin' scary it is for me to go out there anymore. I mean, I'm sure that will change and my life will be somewhat better after I become employed. But the whole process kinda freaks me out. Can't I just be a musician and songwriter like I'm supposed to be? I feel like I've spent my whole life trying to be something I'm not, trying to fit in places that I really don't belong in.

Unfortunately, for the majority of people in the world, that's not how life works.

Don't I know it. It's all about survival in the big city. It's all about how much and how can we exploit you so we can make the greatest amount of profit, but we're not going to share it with you. I could go on and on, but I won't. And you're welcome.

Well, I hope your appointment goes well, farmboy. I think that talking about the job search and your feeling about work is a good idea.

Even if I feel hopeless?

Especially if you're feeling hopeless.

That's good, because a lot of the time I feel hopeless. I wish I didn't. I guess that's a big part of the reason why I go.

save me a place

when you get there
and I know you will
when you've reached the top
and the bottom of the hill
and now you're in the midst
of amazing grace
save me a place
save me a place

when all your sorrows
come to an end
and you've bid farewell
to family and friends
upwards and onwards
from the human race
save me a place
save me a place

          peace will come
          to those who wait
          peace is standing
          by eternity's gate

when trouble comes calling
you won't be around
now everything's music
listen to the sound
soprano and alto
tenor and bass
save me a place
save me a place

last night I dreamed
that you had gone home
to a land with no worries
your trials unknown
now you're in the midst
of amazing grace
save me a place
save me a place

out in the real world

it's another day
out in the real world
you better watch your way
it's out to get you, boy
sometimes it's okay
out in the real world
but beware of it
this world will steal your joy

          there's a lot of happiness out there
          but there's a lot of bad times, too
          you wake up in each morning's sunshine
          only to witness it changing to blue

it's one more adventure
out in the real world
winning or losing
do you have a choice
you don't need a lecture
out in the real world
but you do need a conscience
and you do have a voice

          sometimes the effort ain't worth the trying
          and sometimes the trying's not working at all
          sometimes you rise up but there's no denying
          the higher you fly
          the further you fall

but what else can you do
out in the real world
you work your hardest
and you do your best
and try to be true
out in the real world
and let faith and patience
take care of the rest

it's another day
out in the real world