fortune cookie company

if I ran a fortune cookie company
the first fortune I would print
would say:
everything you want is already in you
you just have to find it
and bring it out

you would receive it
with your takeout order
of sesame chicken
over brown rice
you would open it
alone
in your apartment
on a Saturday evening

you would read it
and know it was true
but you wouldn't save it
or give it a second thought

but it would stay with you
you would bring it out when needed
and maybe it would give you comfort
if only for an unconscious second

that's if I ran a fortune cookie company
which I don't
go I guess you're all on your own

good luck with that

my twitter habit

shut up and listen to me, dagnabit 
and let me tell you about my twitter habit
my twitter habit, yes indeed
I'll teach you how, since you're in need

flashbulb memories

don't ask me where I'm from
or who I am
'cause I don't know
I don't want to be a bum
but I'm in a jam
with nowhere to go
I don't remember faces
I don't remember names 
I don't remember places
but it all ends up the same
in my flashbulb memories
in my flashbulb memories

I know I was a child
but it's all unclear
I can't recall
by now I'm reconciled
I don't need to hear
about it all
if I was ever carefree
it must have been in the womb
it's all been a mystery
from the cradle to the tomb
in my flashbulb memories
in my flashbulb memories

so I'll just wander down
my broken path
day after day
there's nothing that I've found
I've done the math
but it's okay
when my life is on the cutting room floor
I'll be happy to report
I've written my memoirs
and they're really really short
my flashbulb memories
in my flashbulb memories

I don't want to be angry anymore

I don't want to be angry anymore
I'm old and I'm tired
and my back and head are sore
but the news breaks through
like wind through an open door
I don't want to be angry anymore

there must be some way to rest my mind
I've cried and I've tried
I've looked everywhere to find
something that can't disappear
with the passing of time
I need somehow to rest my mind

          time keeps speeding forward
          further and further from the past
          a tiny voice keeps whispering
          one breath you take your last
          it's moving fast
          and that is why

I don't want to be angry anymore
I'm exhausted from fighting
all my petty little wars
I just need to breathe
and live like I've never lived before
I don't want to be angry anymore
I don't want to be angry anymore

from across the street

the life I used to live
is across the street
I see you walking in and out
but our eyes never meet
I see the doors and windows
were moonlight would come in
once I felt the tenderness
in your touch upon my skin
I wish I could again

I still see our kids
from across the street
growing up like tumbleweeds
from week to week
I can see your face
inside of their's
I can feel a love
that I once thought was shared

          there's no need to be scared
          I swear I didn't come prepared
          this time

I see your new boyfriends
from across the street
each one a new replacement
for the sorry likes of me
I hate every one of them
with all the rage inside me
I'm just like a time bomb
and you're right there beside me
just waiting to ignite me

I guess sometimes 
you still excite me

the man I used to be
is across the street
all my history 
is across the street
there's no place for me
across the street
but you can't erase me
from across the street

          there's no need to be scared
          I swear I didn't come prepared
          this time

oldest person

there is no one to remember me
when I was a child
everyone from my history is gone
so what need is there
for me to speak
I've always carried on
but I shake my head in silence
s each new day unfurls
I'm the oldest person in the world

whisper

every time I whisper
I tell secrets to myself
that you cannot share

away the other way

went for my walk today
thought I'd walk the other way
so I wouldn't run into you
you can imagine my surprise
it was like I had just opened my eyes
and a whole different world
came into view
walking away the other way
from you

handout

my conscience is clear
I don't want dirty money
if I have to be you
a smile as insincere
as your's strikes me as funny
since you don't have a clue

          gimme a handout
          you know I need it
          you know what I'll do
          if I don't receive it
          gimme a handout
          you know what I need

More storytelling...

Introduction:

song: Mockingbird

I just did what I was not supposed to do: make music

• discouragement of music
• self (mis)education of music
• becoming a songwriter

I entered, and was not selected for the new folk competition. I was furious and, from that moment on, determined to get in the contest.

• entering year after year
• rejection year after year
• entering and being selected to compete at Columbia River Folk Music Festival
• invitation to play main stage at Kerrville

performance of "I Could be Great at Romance" (1 verse)

I worked everyday for my appearance in front of the Kerrville audience.

• being on stage and performance
• realization that I was being paid, etc, for performing songs that had previously been rejected.

Conclusion

What did I learn? That it's really fun to compete if you're the winner and that, ultimately, it really is only the song that matters.

But it is fun. And so is the feeling of victory and vindication.

born middle aged

I was born middle aged
I never had the chance to be young
I was born middle aged
I never had the change to be young
when you're born middle aged
bitterness is your native tongue

I never learned from no one
I had to figure out on my own
the stuff I never learned from no one
I figured it out on my own
nowhere was my destination
that's my "home sweet home"

storytelling/music #3

Intro

musical background and (mis)education

• writing songs
• teaching brother
• school chorus

Body 

what this did was make me in charge of my own education. 

• library
• radio
• radio announcers

by my late teens, I had a self-identity as a songwriter, hard-won by perseverance and stubbornness. Reading a library copy of Guitar Player Magazine, I found a small item about a songwriting competition at the Kerrville Folk Festival in the hill country of Texas.

• entering competition
• losing competition
• making it one off my life's missions
• year after year of losing

I went from being young to nearly middle aged in 1992, when I entered the Columbia River Folk Music Festival.

• competing and winning
• chosen by festival producer
• being booked for Kerrville

Preparing for appearance and performing

• knowing everything by heart
• bee charging
• realizing the songs' non-placement in contests
• the zone, of sorts

Conclusion

• being paid, hotel, flight, tickets for forever
• I'll never learn what winning is like. I did learn, however, about the luxury of air-conditioning in one of Kerrville's finest hotels. I set the temperature at 60 degrees and if I hadn't fallen asleep first, victorious and vindicated.

I can't feel love

I feel angry
I feel sad
I wear my heart on my sleeve
like other people wear plaid
I feel emotions
you've never ever heard of
except for one:
I can't feel love

I feel empathy
I feel sympathy
I feel feelings up and down
every inch of me
now I feel like I've felt enough
but one's undone
I can't feel love

          I've tried and I've tried
          but I'm empty inside
          life has denied all its perks
          I've planned and I've pleaded
          for what I need
          but my heart refuses to work

I feel you
I feel me
I feel like maybe something
we were meant to be
but my fears come back
and always call my bluff
playing too rough
I can't feel love
I can't feel love

beginning of 3rd storytelling plan

Introduction:

I was not supposed to play music.

     1. brothers' future in music
           a) pedal steel and classical
           b) teaching guitar

     2. educational system
           a) Rejection
           b) no chances, no one noticed
           c) "self taught"

Body:

When you come from that kind of musical background, you can become defensive and possessive. And that's the frame of mind I was in when I entered my first songwriting competition.

      1. musical education, or lack of
      2. Wrote from an early age...but it was natural. I couldn't not write 
           songs.

      1. I entered a new song and was crushed when I was not selected
          to compete. I couldn't believe that there were 20 songwriters                   considered better than me. The fools! The audacity!

       2. I tried, year after year, to get into the new folk competition...

                            
       To be continued...

private victories

you can't see it
but today I'm a winner
no longer a beginner
to the sunny side of life
I can't tell you
'cause you don't need to understand it
joy's in high demand and
I can't believe my eyes

          it's these private victories
          that pull me through
          little bits of something
          that would mean nothing to you
          I'd like to share them
          but that's something I can't do
          with these private victories
          and what they add up to

don't just stand there

stop hurting me
I beg of you
ain't there something
you can do
don't just stand there
idly thinking
I'm in quicksand
hey, I'm sinking
I am not waving
I'm drowning here
any second I 
will disappear
and you won't notice
that I'm gone
like everyone else
you'll move on

anyone but me

I wish I knew how it feels to be happy
I wish I knew how it feels to be free
I don't mean to be saccharine and sappy
I just wish I could be anyone but me

          oh, anyone but me
          any fool could plainly see
          the life of misery I must go through
          anyone but me
          now, you may disagree
          but that's because you have the life of you
          yes you do

I wish I knew how it feels to be a winner
I wish I knew how to never lose
everything I do I do as a beginner
I wish I walked in someone else's shoes

           anyone but me
           oh how happy I would be
           successful and dynamic, too
           oh, anyone but me
           that's my sad philosophy
           I'd be much better off if I were you

nail in the fence

when I was a kid
I ripped my jeans
and cut my hand
on a nail in the fence
my mom said God
was punishing me
and I guess I've been punished 
ever since

down on my knees
I said symphonies
of apologies
but I still believed
that love and hope
would never leave
but, man, I was so wrong
after years
of prayers and tears
of asking for
relief from fear
I look into
the rear view mirror
and I see it oh, so strong
the fact that I don't belong

         I still don't know what I did
         but it started as a kid
         and it still continues
         to this day
         my mom and dad were right
         I can't do nothing right
         and that is why I'm going away

should've

I should've been born
white, rich and free
from any conscience
inside me
instead I'm guilty as can be
for crimes I didn't do
I should've been born
tall and thin
not this so-called body
I'm imprisoned in
too much fat
but too thin-skinned
I should've been born you

you should've liked
the songs I wrote
you should've heard
the words I spoke
another drink 
another smoke
I'm just a joke to you
you should've heard
the words I said
and not have ignored
them instead
of pretending
you were a friend
your dishonesty's poking through

we should've been
the best of friends
we should have let
each other in
now here I am
abandoned
by one I used to trust
I try to say
goodbye to you
but words don't come
no sound rings true
and there's nothing
I can do
but witness memories
turn to rust

I should've been
the one you wanted
now I live
in a life that's haunted
by your goddamn memory
I can't explain
I search in vain
I need to use my brain
I must be free
I must be free
I must be free

fine with everybody

today I'm fine with everybody
just for today you've all passed the test
I want you to know that everybody's somebody
and everybody's better than the rest

I'm doing fine

I am sinking into the quicksand of depression
did I happen to mention
it's not the first time
ifI've learned anything,
it did not leave an impression
I ignored the lesson
still, I'm doing fine

walker-bound haiku

running out the door
is not the easiest thing
when you're walker-bound

before the night is through

I don't drink anymore
I don't drink any less
maybe my answer is no
or maybe it's yes
but nevertheless
girl, I'm calling on you
you know you're gonna love me
before the night is through

I don't need anyone
and nobody needs me
and I got the rest of my life
to be free
but look at me baby
what else do I have to do
you know you're gonna love me
before the night is through

warning days

the sky is burning down
look out, the sun is red
and hazy and screams through the clouds
upon the lives we've led
these are the warning days
these are the warning days

ashes falling from the sky
like a cremation of the past
and present and falls for so long
breathing is a task
these are the warning days
these are the warning days

in the right direction

there's so much that I don't know
my brain has miles and miles to go
before it begins to find its heart
it's pretty loud in that brain up there
everybody's arguing, everybody's scared
and no one knows just where to start
I don't know much, that I know
I can't stop my brain from thinking though
all that matters is that I go
in the right direction

what I hate about growing old

what I hate about growing old
is people always talking 
about illness and death
I hate to be so bold
but I'd like some other conversations
in the time I have left

explore

I want to explore you
like you're the grand canyon
I want to abandon
all doubt and fear
I want to hear 
the memories you have hidden
no longer forbidden
new to my ears

I want to belong to you
I want to feel pure
safe and secure
no more lost and alone
I want to breathe free
I don't want to panic
I even understand it
I just need to go home

I want to know you
like a face in the mirror
with no traces of tears
hiding inside
I'm looking for secrets
I need you to tell me
or you might as well be
one more reason to cry

I want to explore you
but I'm circling in orbit
I try to ignore it
afraid of the end
I will go to the ends of the earth
just to be near you
if I could just hear you
if I could hold you
again

we live our lives online

we live our lives online
we text instead of speak
attempting to define
ourselves in what we seek
we say we'll meet some place
look for some coffee shop that's near
but instead we live on Facebook
we pretend we have careers

we live our lives online
we don't have time for each other
our priorities are fine
but it's too much work to bother
we emphasis our coffee
keep up with Amazon's wish list
and if I want you off me
I'll just pretend you don't exist

we live our lives online
the impressions that we're giving
says everything is fine
in this lifestyle that we're living
yeah, everything is on track
better than it was before
our actions have no impact
but everybody's keeping score

and that's okay now
it's all just wasted time
this is the way now
we live our lives online

a peaceful morning

I had a peaceful morning
after night came to an end
it had never happened before
and I don't expect it will again
the light poured through the window
dust particles began to dance
and it was like I'd never seen them before
like they never had the chance
a breeze came through the curtains
birds began to sing
for a while I thought maybe
all was right with everything
for once, joy was my purpose,
my lover, my best friend
so I drank a cup of decaf
and then went back to bed