New York City is not my home

everything reminds me
of everyone I miss
everything I left behind
the softness of your kiss
here the streets are noisy
and full of the unknown
New York City is not my home

I was full of youthful hope
I was full of dreams
full of piss and vinegar
I was wrong, it seems
your mind turns into traffic
and your heart is made of stone
New York City is not my home

yes in a world of no (another verse)

don't you cry, my darling
don't shed a tear for me
I've been a servant all my years
now finally I am free
free to enjoy the blessings
that my life has to bestow
a life looking for reason
and a yes in a world of no

yes in a world of no (possible verse)

I have spent my whole damn life
believing I was alone
but now I see
everyone around me
feels like they're out on their own
I see my friends and neighbors
everyone I know
is on the search
for a life of worth
and a yes in a world of no

I'm one of those people

I'm one of those people
who doesn't learn from his mistakes
I try to do the best I can
but more problems I make
I have to do everything twice
or three times or four
and if that ain't enough
I can do everything some more
help me here
I don't want to be dumb
but the longer I live
that's what I've become

I'm one of those people
who doesn't let people in
I may look polite and social
but I can't wait to go home again
take the bus to my apartment
walk in and lock you out
shut the blinds and windows
that's what life is about
help me here
I'm out on my own
but the longer I live
I don't want to be alone

          but how can I change?
          I don't have a clue
          I'm one of those people
          who wants to be a person like you

I'm one of those people
who just can't believe in himself
I've spent my life looking
for opportunities to be someone else
I've studied statistics
I've read all the books
but when I pass by the mirror
I'm afraid to look
help me here
help me to see
that it's not a punishment
to be me

I'm one of those people
who's been a loser for so long
teach me a lesson
tell me I'm wrong

tired

I'm fuckin' tired 
of nothing ever moving
I hate standing still

can you believe

can you believe
that you once
lived in a country
that refused women
the right to vote
can you believe
the animals that used to run free
in in their homeland
long before the money spoke
it's amazing
how so many things have changed
it's even more amazing
how much evil still remains
one day they'll look back and see
can you believe
the idiots we used to be

can you believe
that you once
lived in a country
that held millions of people
in slavery
can you believe
the ones who want more money
who have no compassion
or decency
it's amazing
how far we have come
it's even more amazing
that we've almost just begun
one day they'll look back and see
can you believe 
how ignorant we used to be

when did I disappear (rewrite)

I don't know how I feel
God knows I've tried
but I always come up empty
when I look inside
I knock at my door
but there's nobody here
when did I disappear

I pass by a mirror
and I still see my face
but when I look into my heart
something's out of place
my life was once in focus
now everything's unclear
when did I disappear

my hopes have gone away
and my heart's been overused
everything else is either
anxious or confused
my dreams have all evaporated
to the atmosphere
which did I disappear

when I wake up tomorrow 
I'll still be someone else
trying hard to find a path
for returning to myself
I don't know where I'm going
but my time is drawing near
when did I disappear
when did I disappear

yes in a world of no

I learned in catechism
that God was everywhere
so I looked under the sofa
but I didn't see nobody there
still I keep on the lookout
I search everywhere I go
just like I keep searching for
a yes in a world of no

when I was young the future spoke
in words of hopes and dreams
but one by one they came undone
and tumbled faithlessly
like falling stars in summer
with no sign saying "look out below"
still I kept an open heart
for a yes in a world of no

when I was in high school
I seriously wanted to learn
but learning wasn't a priority
as far as the school was concerned
I received my education
from the midnight radio
the only place where I could hear
a yes in a world of no

now I am an old man
my patience has been overworked
my body and soul are brittle and cold
truth be told, everything hurts
but like the fool I've always been
when it comes my time to go
I'll leave this world still searching
a yes in a world of no

give and take

I bought a little trash can
I took it out of the bag it was in
then I took the bag 
wadded it up
and tossed it within
about all this
no wisdom can I make
only that life is always
give and take

squawking

the squawking of birds
pierce the quiet to announce:
it's spring in Portland

translator

if you spoke good English
and from the way you talk, you don't
not because you couldn't
it's just because you won't
so let me be your translator
so all will understand
the meaning behind your anger
with that rifle in your hand

when objects fall

I get mad 
when objects fall
it's like gravity
has it in for me
I curse like my dad
when objects fall
gravity
is no friend, you see
and there's nothing I can do
science doesn't listen
things fall time and time again
they don't need my permission

I go crazy
when objects fall
I don't want it to be
my destiny
to be controlled
when objects fall
you can see
I take this personally
do I learn from my mistakes?
I would if I made one
I will pay attention if
it came to that occasion

another day

it's another day
another chance to do good
I need strong coffee

remembering you

here I am again
remembering you
the only thing I know
how to do
when I need you
I go inside my heart
first I smile
then laugh
then cry
and then I fall apart

where do I start?

time and time again
remembering you
how do I stop
I don't have a clue
when I need you
I look inside my mind
first I smile
then laugh
then cry
and then you leave me behind

like I wouldn't mind

it hurts too much
remembering you
I've got to find 
something else to do
I need you more
than should be allowed
I need to stop
but I don't know how
I've thought it all
the way through
I've made up my mind
I need to start anew
but it's impossible to do
here I am again
remembering you
remembering you

this potato

that potato
gave its life to quench your hunger
it does not deserve to be deep fried
you shake your head
you look at me in wonder
why must this hunger be denied

this video game

this video game
is taking up my precious time
this video game
is occupying my mind
staring at this screen
brings a peace I can't define
but it's mine
this video game

this video game
reminds me of her
it's quite the same
on that you must concur
she makes me start
to doubt myself
to question my
so-called mental health
can't you tell
this video game

          to stop torturing my brain
          its making me insane
          I cannot remain 
          in its power

this video game
needs to be ending soon
I won't be to blame
for howling at the moon
I'm addicted now
it's plain to see
I'm hooked on how
it's hooked on me
set me free
from this video game
this video game

        

what they will become

when you're old
no one needs you
you're invisible
to other people's eyes
you say you're cold
no one believes you
and so you learn
to stay inside
away from other people's lives
you remind them too much
of what they will become

human

I wrestle with being human
I'm no good at it
all this social stuff
drives me bat shit
I need love and affection
can't I just be a dog?

good comes

I need to believe
that good comes from misery
even if it's not true

you will always be young

no matter what cruelties
time might do to you 
your spirit pulls you through
you will always be young
no matter what the shade
or length of your hair
your humor's still there
you will always be young

          

word phobia

I am afraid of words
they hide where they won't be seen
with my memories

outside day

the sun is a big ball
of fire in the sky
there's 50 thousand scientists
trying to figure why
but me, I don't care
I'm not gonna go outside
I'm gonna lie in bed alone
and cry, cry, cry

          I'm staying inside
          on an outdoors day
          I'm gonna let
          the sunshine waste away
          ever since you left
          I can't live any other way
          I'm staying inside
          on an outside day

oh, the birds are singing
the friendly morning song
the cats and dogs and chickens
they all sing along
all those horns on cars
and 4 wheel drive trucks
I'm closing both my ears
because I don't give a fuck

          I'm staying inside
          on an outdoors day
          I'm gonna let
          the music waste away
          I'll put in my headphones
          and talk radio I'll play
          I'm staying inside
          on an outside day

That's what it's all about

So I finally had a real honest-to-God revelation, man.

And what's that, farmboy?

Well, I had that accident, you know? So I've been doing physical therapy all this time, learning to walk and other things. And I suddenly realized why I'm always so fuckin' unhappy. 

And why is that, pray tell?

Because I couldn't put my left leg in or my left leg out. And that's what it's all about.

Huh?

It's the hokey pokey. You know, "that's what it's all about." 

I'm not sure I understand, farmboy.

It's a joke.

Sheesh.

my common sense

I have emotions
they always get in the way
of my common sense

until now

and you spoke to me with kindness
even though I was a stranger
I have seen my share of violence
but I never felt in danger
until now
I am finding I am changing
though I swear I don't know how
I never thought I was deserving
of what living would allow
until now

and the world keeps revolving
in its orbit 'round the sun
I could have used some problem solving
when everything was said and done
until now
I am finding I'm at home
back behind the plow
I never thought I was deserving
with my back against the wall
until now
until now
until now

I am so angry

I am so angry
gonna bang my head on the wall
first it's one
then another
then another
eventually all
I'm so fuckin' angry
even my therapist would be appalled
and he's seen everything
he's seen everything

I am so angry
better get the hell away from me
'cause I'm so pissed
I don't want you to see
I'm so fuckin' angry
and I know you wouldn't disagree
believe me, it's everything
it's fuckin' everything

          what am I gonna do
          I'm breaking in two
          I wish I knew
          what can I really say
          real life
          gets in the fuckin' way

I am so angry
I am going to exp!ode
in this angry world
I have hit the mother lode
I'm so fuckin' angry
I've lost my moral code
and I hate everything
I hate everything

          I don't wanna be like this
          I don't want to be this way
          I don't want to be like this
          I don't want to be this way

I am so angry
there's no pretending
I am so angry
and it's not ending
it's not ending
it's not ending

I will close my eyes

I will close my eyes
so I won't see
the world that's 
surrounding me
it's my choice so
I'll disagree
with every one of you
I will not read
the New York times
I'll only write
in words that rhyme
'cause that's the only
thing that's mine
it's all I really
know how to do

retreat

out of town weekend
friends, music, conversation
I should have stayed there

Maupin moon

dreaming of music
underneath the Maupin moon
some dreams do come true

I belong to you

I left my heart at the lost and found
it's safe and sound 
because no one needs it
it once belonged to you
but now we're through
so I thought I'd leave it
but I know it won't be claimed
 'cause it's got your name
written down inside it
I tried to free your memory
but it just won't be
there's no place to hide it
because 
I belong to you
I belong to you

navytown

you were born in navytown
where the hammer goes up
only to come back down
the wheels turn around and around
in navytown

you were born where your destiny
was to be whatever everybody
said you would be
the only goal is to be safe and sound
in navytown 

          in navytown
          you make your plans
          to get out on the highway
          just as fast as you can
          you'll find your body and soul
          at the lost and found
          in navytown

Deshutes river song

when I die
and I will someday
my life will somehow
drift away
and hopefully I'll
go somewhere else
where I can kind of
stay myself
but if I don't 
may my soul be delivered
to the rocky banks
of the Deshutes River

shattered hearts
and working clothes
my whole life's
been made of those
but one fine day
I'll be released
and finally find
a heart at peace
this life's so cold
I can't help but shiver
but I don't feel alone
by the Deshutes River

           you know that old song
           "life is but a dream"
           when I no longer belong
           send my memory downstream
           
when I leave
this worldly home
and fade into
the great unknown
don't bury me
underground
sing me to sleep
with the water's sound 
and I will rise
as a true believer
as my spirit flies
over the Deshutes River

this professional world

I'm checking out
I'm leaving town
I'm going without
I'm standing my ground
I'm walking away
I'm learning to fly
I'm doing okay
here's the reason why
I'm saying goodbye
to this professional world
this professional world
this professional world

where it's
okay to lie 
okay to steal
okay to try
whatever you feel
to all those hacks
standing in the way
stab 'em in the back
it's okay
it's okay
no shock or surprise
I'm closing my eyes
to this professional world
this professional world
this professional world

          I've spent too much time here
          I almost lost my mind here
          just what I hoped to find here
          ain't for me
          so as you can see

What's packing my bags
I'm clearing my desk
this hob is a drag
the whole place is a mess
I'm dressed for success
I'm losing my blues
it's anyone's guess 
what path I choose
I'm done paying dues
I ain't gonna lose
to this professional world
this professional world
this professional world

passwords

when I leave this world
I'm gonna forget all my passwords
my online life will be silent
my real life as well
so I won't have to remember
all those fuckin' passwords
I will finally have the freedom
be it heaven or be it hell
I will only have to worry about myself