time like a freight train

man, I hate hospital rooms
funerals on sunny afternoons
but where can you go?
what do you do?
I mean, the years rush quickly by
time like a freight train
is gaining its speed
desperate and hungry
as an orphan in need
but you can't change it
just ask me and see
God knows I've tried

time like a freight train
time like a freight train
spinning out of control so fast
everything changes
nothing lasts
and only the future remains
rushing like
time like a freight train

invisible

I want you to forget me
I don't need attention
I'm better off invisible
unwanted and unknown
no, it won't upset me
go on and start your reinvention
I'm better off invisible
I'm better off alone

summer is here

you pull out the fan 
from your closet
and bite into your 
first nectarine
take your hands 
out of your pockets
cut the legs off your 
old blue jeans
you're not a kid anymore
that time's disappeared
but there's a wild wind 
whispering in your ear
summer is here
summer is here

disappear

I have never met
anyone as selfish as you
when you cause 
the damage that you do
for all the good you've done for me
I'll erase you from my memory
and then you'll disappear
you will disappear

I have never known
of such a waste of skin
as the body you inhabit
in your wilderness of sin
for all the shit I've seen you do
your existence to me is through
and now you'll disappear
you will disappear

all I want

all I want
is everything
I'm not allowed to have
coffee when I sleep
cry instead of laugh
may I say something
on my own self-behalf?
I'm just a fucking
human being

all I want
is everything
I'm not allowed to touch
yes sir, please
and thank you ma'am
you're welcome very much
all I know is so-and-so
who's such a such-and-such
I'm just a fucking
human being

I gotta find something like that in me

So, man, did I tell you that I actually braved the mean streets of downtown Portland and went to a concert this past weekend?

Really? You may have mentioned it, as I recall, unless I've gotten it mixed up with something else. Who did you go to see, farmboy? What venue was it?

I went to see this dude that goes by the moniker Father John Misty. It's hard to describe what he does. It's lush and cynical and oddly hopeful and grateful at times. He's a great fuckin' singer, I'll tell you that. It was at the Crystal Ballroom, which is not a concert hall. It's like a giant high school gymnasium with a squishy floor. It can be fun because it's really pretty informal compared to other places.

In other words, no seats. It's standing only.

Well, there's some seats, but, yeah, you end up standing if you want to see even just a little of the band.

I liked this going out, for once. It's good for me to see performers, and it's good for me to see performers who aren't, you know, acoustic or folk. This Father John Misty guy, he's more of a rock guy. Even though I was talking with this one dude at the show, he was telling me that Father John Misty is the performing name of a certain Mister J. Tillman who used to be a folkie singer-songwriter type of performer.

What does the J. stand for?

Joshua.

I'm glad I got to see him because it was good to see somebody with energy. I mean, not that the folkies I see aren't good entertainers -- many of them are -- but this Father John Misty, he has energy, like rock 'n roll energy, entertainer energy. I gotta find something like that in me. It's gotta be there somewhere.

I'm sure it is.

I gotta keep looking, man, I gotta find it.

the final day of your childhood

this is the final day 
of your childhood
tomorrow you will be 
a full-grown man
this ain't disneyland
ain't no hollywood
a condition you can't help
and you'll never understand

Seedlings

So, farmboy, I've got a question for you.

Yeah, man? Go ahead, shoot.

Why do you write all those song fragments? I see all these little songs everywhere, more than usual lately.

Oh, those. I call them, in my own fuckin' pretentious way, seedlings.

Seedlings?

Yeah. Hopefully some will grow up to be full out songs and go out on their own someday.

hollywood's got a hard on

ladies and gentlemen 
boys and girls
here she is 
and there you are
sitting in a dressing room
today's unknown
tomorrow's star
but you're getting there
you're not too far
hollywood's got a hard on for you

if you were seventeen

if you were seventeen and living
in a trailer park in Florida
this might be acceptable
the way you're acting
but you're an adult in the city
with a career and a family
you shouldn't have to try so hard
to uncover satisfaction

but go ahead
be a rebel
do what you're going to do
it can take lots of medicine
to see yourself through
smoke the weed
gulp the liquor
lay it on a little thicker
here, pass the TV clicker
let's find a clearer picture…

if you were seventeen and lifting twenties
from your mother's purse
we would categorize your problems
under learning a life lesson
but you're a grown-ass man,
not center of the universe
just looking at your life
is causing manic and depression

but go ahead
test your freedom
but try not to forget
this circus act you're doing's
crashing down
without a net
don't think you're so
unique here
turn up the bass
plug in the speaker
there's help if you're feeling weaker
ain't you a happy little tweaker?

any tweaker with a hot plate

any tweaker with a hot plate
ain't worth his temporary teeth
in this part of town
ain't no way a cellmate
can get no relief
so turn the volume down

writing prompts 2

there're some lessons
you can only teach yourself

my country keeps getting smaller
sometimes I fear
if it gets any smaller
it might disappear

The Last Flight of Dean Potter

I'm not gonna go out and join a fuckin' hockey team

Man, there's only, like, three weeks left of my fuckin' job. Then it's summer! 

Amazing how time flies, eh, farmboy?

It's interesting. I'm trying to think of some kind of project I can do over the break. I mean, I'll be writing and playing and performing for the kids at the hospital, but there's gotta be something else I can work on. Otherwise I'll want to wake up in the morning and smoke weed all day long, and I don't want to do that. Or rather, I want to not want that. Or something.

Do you want something music related?

That would be good. I'm thinking of taking some kind of music lessons or something.

I'd also like to do something physical. I mean, taking walks, stuff like that. I'm not gonna go out and join a fuckin' hockey team, if you know what I mean.

I'll be interested to see what you come up with, farmboy.

Hey, me and you both, man. I'll keep you posted.

this heart of mine

I got nothing I can show you
there is nothing left to say
I'll just sit and sulk in silence
then I'll be on my way
I don't look good in self pity
and I sound bad when I whine 
so I'm going home
to hide this heart of mine

nothing to prove

let's pretend
that we're starting over
let's act like
there's nothing left to lose
let's drink
like we're never gonna be sober
you and me
we got nothing to prove

afraid of everything

my life is boring
'cause I'm afraid of everything
I'm scared to live
'cause of the trouble it may bring
I don't want to go outside
'cause I might be terrified
I don't want to try 
anything
anymore

so here's what I do
it's a well-kept secret
but I'll tell you
I start up my lap top
go to you tube
and watch those scary videos

hard being you

it's gotta be hard being you

'cause you're so fuckin' offended

by everything I say and do

one look from you

and I know this is it

you're gonna scold like

I'm a naughty little kid

standing knee-deep 

in the trouble that I did

or didn't do

I know it's hard being you

writing prompts #1

• how can I change myself when I don't know who I really am? Or is that another way of forming yourself?
• water dries
• suicide doors (truck term)
• right in front of you
• how do I keep hurt away? is it successful?
• sit back and smile
• life as a board game
• patterns that you see after your eyes are closed
• don't make me love you/don't make me care
• your perfect day (fantasy as a way of getting through hard times)

whole lot of living

mama won't you tell me
tell me what it means
I'm upside down
and in-between
the commonwealth of heaven
and the cellar door of hell
and I can't seem 
to help myself
oh, tell me Mama 
tell me if it's true
I got a whole lot of living
left in my life to do

dust particles

balancing mid-air
floating, dancing through sunlight
up, around, down, up again

dust particles 
move at their own time and speed
no permission needed
in their cat-and-dog world
where children gaze at them
as if they were falling stars 
in their new lives
as playthings

It's Sam Cooke, for God's sake!

Hey! Drop whatever you're doing, man. I'm got something to say and it's important!

farmboy! Are you okay? What is it? Can I help?

I, uh…I just sang and played "You Send Me" by Sam Cooke and it was the best I've ever done!

All songs, or just the Sam Cooke one?

Just the Sam Cooke one, but…

I was a little bit busy, farmboy. You scared me. You mean a great deal to me, farmboy, but next time try not to be so dramatic. Please.

(grumbles to himself)  Man, what a fuckin' grump. I mean, it's Sam Cooke, for God's sake! Sam Cooke!

Rock in my shoe

Man, I tell you, I've went and done something to my right leg, I don't know what. I can't walk all that much 'cause it fuckin' hurts big time.

That's a shame, farmboy. How did this happen?

Well…I've been having problems with my knee and this morning I got a fuckin' rock in my shoe and I guess I kinda moved wrong. I'm taking off work tomorrow and going to the doctor's office. 

My main problem, of course, is that from now until then gives me this opportunity to worry myself into all sorts of shit.

I guess you'll just have to keep busy tonight instead of doing your usual self-analysis.

Yeah, ain't it too bad. Maybe I'll watch a movie or something.

That's a good idea, farmboy. Get your mind onto other things.

Yeah. Maybe I'll watch a comedy. Couldn't hurt, huh?

bad habits haiku

I have bad habits
and I can't seem to break them.
story of my life.

Sunny weather and warmth

It's that time of the year again, man.

And what time is that, farmboy?

It's time for me to start getting impatient for summer to fuckin' come already. I want work to be over so badly and I'm looking forward to sunny weather and warmth. 

What are you going to do this summer, farmboy? Got any plans?

I'm going to play for the kids at the Center for Medically Fragile Students. I got a grant to do that, the same thing that I've been doing for the past few summers. I'm going to go to California to see my family, which I'm looking really forward to. 

How about you, man? Are you going to do anything fun?

I'm going to stay around here for most of the summer, but I may take a trip to see my family as well.

Cool, man. Family's fuckin' important.

It is.

Man, I'm looking forward to watermelon and nectarines. I fuckin' love summer.

I know what you mean, farmboy. I do too.

Now if it would just get here a little faster…

laundry blues

I got my jeans on the clothesline
shirts in the washing machine
jeans on the clothesline
shirts in the washing machine
takes a whole mess of detergent
to get these bad boys clean

I will sleep (possible bridge)

I will sleep
the sleep of a baby
in his mother's arms
I will sleep
with a love that will save me
and keep me 
free from harm

I will sleep (verse two)

I will drink warm milk
I will not stay up late
for what good it'll do me
I will masturbate
I will search my soul
I will dig down deep
but one way or another
I will sleep
I will sleep
one way or another
I will sleep

I will sleep

I will close my eyes
I will breathe in deep
I will pray to the Lord
my soul to keep
I will drink decaf coffee
I will count lots of sheep
but sooner or later
I will sleep

I reserve the right to call today a failure if I want to

So, let me tell you all about my day, man.

What is it, farmboy? Did something exciting happen?

In my life? Please, my life doesn't get the word "exciting" applied to it, ever.

Which is what I wanted to tell you about. Today was a very unexciting day. No highs, no lows, just the same old same old. Today nothing important has happened.

That you know of…

Whaddya mean, "that you know of"? That's fuckin' bullshit, man, I know whether my own life is important.

No you don't.

What the fuck, man? It's my fuckin' life!

Ooooh! Testy, are we?

I reserve the right to call today a failure if I want to.

Yes, but why would you?

What I'm saying, farmboy, is not to think today is unimportant. Do some little thing…go listen to one song. I mean, really listen to it. Right there, you've put that music in your own mind and you never know where that will lead. You won't know it, if you know it, until later, when there's some distance and perspective.

Yeah, yeah, I can understand that.

So you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, you think I should listen to a song.

Well…I said more than that…

Well, that's what I heard and that's what I'm gonna do.

What song?

I'm not sure. Any ideas?

You're the music guy.

Probably Buddy Holly, then. You can never go wrong with Buddy Holly.

you don't have to be a turtle

you don't have to be a turtle
but you need a shell
to protect you from
rejection
you know, love's the highest hurdle
so prepare yourself
take care of your heart

I was stupid, okay?

I was stupid, okay?
I admit it
I was drunk and lonely
and high as high can be

another pop song

I'm gonna fall in love
with a girl who knows
what I'm dreaming of
I'm falling in love with you
I want to be the boy
who brings you everlasting joy
I'm falling in love with you

when I was

when I was a boy
I looked at the sky
and said
man oh man
that's a long way up
now I'm old
and afraid to fly
and decaf's 
the strongest drink 
in my cup

when did I get so afraid of living?
when did I give in to all my fears?

no more learning

that's it
I can't do this anymore
no more learning for me
I've done everything I want to do
seen all I want to see
I'm tired of the lessons
I've had to learn
what good do they do me?
what do I get in return?
just a whole mess of trouble
and memories to burn
I've learned everything
I want to learn
it's true
so I'm giving all my learning
to you