I wish somebody

I wish somebody
would take this nobody
and show him love can be
a reality
for two
I can't conceive it's true
that a girl like you
could show me something new
what can I do

I'd say hold me
like a child
whose life didn't go as planned
raised by the back of a hand
I'd say treat me
like some kind of human being
instead of what I've seen
staring back in the mirror

so trusting anymore

you rejected me
you abandoned me
and now you want me
to forget
someday I might
in some other life
in other words
it hasn't happened yet
I hate the longing for revenge
I hate being so mad
I don't know how I'm gonna move on
all I know is that I can
and I must
but I won't be
so trusting anymore

          

flyover states

I took a wrong way turn 
on a dead end road
on my journey back to you
hit every icy curve
and now I have the nerve
to do what I was born to do

I downed a shot of gin
my favorite medicine
and my courage came into view
now I'm heading down
finally freedom bound
on my journey back to you

          out here on heaven's highway 
          where you'll see no vultures
          seeing everything I've never known
          driving through the
          flyover states
          with nowhere left to go

I'm not believing in myself like I should

farmboy! It's been ages since I've heard from you!

Yeah, I know, man, I'm sorry. I've had emotional problems -- big, major emotional problems.

About what?

Mainly anger, I guess. I don't handle bad news well and I got some really bad news -- which I don't really want to get into -- and I, let's say, had a setback. I ended up being glue for myself, in that my job was to simply keep myself together. Which I did. It's the one victory.

That's quite a victory, actually.

It is. Thank you.

I didn't do any self-harm. That's the most important thing. My eating and exercise went to fuckin' hell and I smoked a lot of weed. I mean, there's some self-harm there, to be sure, but not like taking your wooden cane and beating yourself over the head with it.

That's really dangerous, farmboy.

I know. I talked to my therapist about it. That was another thing. He was on vacation when this all happened.

That's hard.

Yes it is. It was a relief when he came back. 

So I'm working on getting back on my feet, in a way. It's slow and frustrating and I'm not believing in myself like I should. I'm, like, super fragile. Really, really vulnerable.

But I'm, you know, playing guitar and getting back into exercise and doing stuff on the banjo. Someday I'll actually have enough concentration to read a book or watch a movie.

You're working at it, farmboy. Let me know if I can help.

I will, man. You've helped already.

song w/Tom Yager

she sees her destiny 
in the shape of clouds
she has faith in superstition
she gets her way 
with what's not allowed
her history is mostly fiction
her convenient loss of memory
a hand with no other's hand to hold
she swears she's not the enemy
I say can't you see
our love is growing cold

I see a fierce intent in her eyes
a highway drive
with an expensive toll
she cannot compromise
doll, you take first prise
but this shit is getting old
it's good you don't own a gun
it ain't no fun
no trace of amusement
while you're getting all fixed up
I get mixed up
totally confused and

          I am crossing into the opposite lane
          a car crash on a narrow road
          straight into oncoming headlights
          burning into my soul
          burning into my soul

my fitness pal

you are my fitness pal
I take you everywhere
as I shuffle down the street
as I climb up the stairs
I am always aware
that you keep track of me
oh fitness pal
my fitness pal
I cringe at what you see

you are my fitness pal
you're more than just an app
anyone who thinks I'm wrong
is full of crap
you always adapt
to every move I make
but fitness pal
my fitness pal
I could do with less 
of my mistakes

          I know you're watching me
          I feel your energy
          must you always be
          telling me
          the cold, hard truth

you are my fitness pal
I enter facts to you
you help me see the path
of which I never had a clue
you know what to do
and you do it very well
so thank you,
my fitness pal
for helping me
help myself

all the way down

don't walk
too close
to the edge
of the cliff
'cause I just might
push you off
since I met you
I've kept my feelings hid
but I'm afraid
I've had enough
don't walk 
too close
to the edge
of the cliff
'cause that cliff
is too far 
from solid ground 
and I know that
you'll hear me laughing
all the way down

          revenge
          oh, revenge
          that's what I think of
          when I see you 
          on the edge
          revenge
          the sweetest sound
          and I know 
          I'll be feeling righteous
          all the way down
           

dominoes

I want to see them 
topple down
straight in line 
one by one
like dominoes
off the coffee table
in the living room
when your parents
are away

the illusion of food

in these hard times
in this great land
it helps sometimes
to have a plan
no cash but I'm
in a hungry mood
in times like these 
all I have to eat
is the illusion of food

I have only ten dollars
for the grocery store
it buys less and less
all I want is more
I want full cupboards
a fridge of week old fruit
in times like these
a poor man needs
the illusion of food

          I want packs of pork Top Ramen
          generic mac and cheese
          widen those hips
          with potato chips
          white rice and pinto beans
          lots of ketchup on everything
          no, I don't think that's rude
          it's not enough
          I need more stuff
          I want the illusion of food

          food glorious food
          lately it's only for rich folks
          my life is but a stupid joke
          that's uncalled for and crude

in these hard times
in the USA
there's tons of food
that's thrown away
to some place where
it all disappears
hold on, mister
bring it right here
be a pal
hey, come on, dude
in times like these
I say pretty please
I need the illusion of food

face in the mirror

I looked at my face in the mirror
and my eyes were young and scared
and somewhere inside
I saw innocence hiding
that I didn't know was there
I wanted to reassure myself
"you're in the company of friends"
by the face in the mirror
would not let me in

eyes bloodshot and blurry

don't be afraid
don't worry
it's here now
but it will leave
eyes bloodshot
and blurry
but you've got magic
up your sleeve

yes in a world of no (possible bridge)

trouble always follows me
no matter where I go
still I keep on searching
for yes in a world of no
yes in a world of no

aftermath

here's a list of stuff
I cannot do
because it 
reminds me of you:
like, there was a show
that we both liked
it had big laughs by the score
then you vanished
out of sight
I don't watch that program anymore

the devil's never satisfied

ain't no luck
like bad luck
'cept more bad luck
and it's always coming
following you
swallowing you
it's a rendezvous
worth absolutely nothing

     there's always a price to pay
     makes no difference what you say
     go ahead and say it anyway
     but it's only stubborn pride
     taking you for a ride
     the devil's never satisfied  

glue 2

today you are glue
attempting to mend
upended broken pieces
try your best to listen to
the lessons learned
and everything it has to teach us
you know it's wrong
and it ain't fair
protect yourself
from yourself
pretend there's no one there
it's now all up to you
be like glue

glue

today I am glue
it is my job
to keep myself together
the damage I can do
to myself
is not a sign of getting better
accept you're sick
treat it like the flu
take your meds 
go to bed
there's nothing you can do
but be glue

haiku of truth

I am sentenced to
solitary confinement
have been so since birth

mr. glue

hi
glad to meet you
you can call me mr. glue
my job is holding myself together
all the people who I am
have no idea what to do
so I'm stuck with you
in the hope that you feel better

the town I called home

I vaguely remember
the roar of the ocean
the cry of the seagulls
water and foam
every September
school would be starting
from college to kindergarten
in the town I called home

which way to go

I don't watch TV
I don't listen to the radio
I'm hanging 'round the trainyard
waiting for that lonesome whistle to blow
I don't know why I think
it'll bring me something I don't know
ain't it a son-of-a-bitch
when you can't decide which way to go

I don't need no doctor
to warn me 'bout my mental heath
I'd say:
Doc, my brain's acting strange
it's insane what remains of myself
I'm rolling again
as the planet spins out of control
throwing its hissy fits
when you can't decide which way to go

the observer

you don't know me
but I know you
I've been watching
everything you do
I know where you live
I know where you work
snd I've been looking
for someone to hurt

          I'm the observer
          I live my life unknown
          I'm the observer
          I don't get to have
          a life of my own
          I'm the observer

just in case

I should buy this coffee cup
with the pastel painting
of the state of Mississippi
just in case
I clean this place
and have some people over
I should buy this photo of 
people's park
back when it was full of hippies
just in case
if my neighbor came
I'd have some stuff to show her

          I should clean up someday
          throw all this crap away
          what if somebody drops in?
          what if I make a friend?

I should buy this cowboy shirt
and a bolo tie
made of turquoise and leather
just in case
I leave my place
and go out to the city
or maybe I'll take plan B
looks like it might rain
and we're in for lousy weather
just in case
I should be safe
getting wet ain't so pretty

          I should dress up nice
          go out once or twice
          I don't want to be rude
          but I could use some solitude

Kingman, Arizona

I had landed in a jail cell
in Kingman, Arizona
the victim of a four-night drunk
and more bad luck
waiting everywhere

in the times when I have hope

in the times when I have hope
(which isn't very often)
my defenses start to shake
and my heart begins to soften
I can picture opportunities
I never thought I'd know
and consult my own map and compass
to see which direction to go
I can rise from my usual plateau
in the times when I have hope

different towns

man, the songs we used to sing
we sure did sing them, one by one
singing at the break of day
to another rising of the sun
I miss your voice in harmony
I'm imagining the sound
'cause I still hear you in my heart
though we live in different towns

make believe conversation

you will be my friend
even if you aren't 
because I've
memorized
all your words by heart
what should we discuss?
where should I start?
in my make believe conversation

I'll tell you 'bout my history
I'll tell you 'bout my dreams
I'll tell you 'bout
my deepest doubts
my bouts with Benzedrine 
I'll talk to almost anyone
except a real human being
in my make believe conversation

consolation prize

I always win the consolation prize
my dreams of being number one
always go up in smoke
the winner always smiles
thanks Jesus and the family
and I always feel like
a punchline of some stupid joke

baby steps 2

          I want to rearrange the alphabet
          move from step C to X
          which is as hard as you can get
          when taking baby steps

I'm so fuckin' tired
of taking baby steps
it makes me mad
I'm really pissed
'cause I finally figured out
maybe baby steps 
are all there is
you'll never reach 
your idea of perfection
be glad you're moving
in the right direction
maybe baby steps
are all there is

baby steps

I'm so fuckin' tired
of taking baby steps
I want to jump
I want to run
but all I ever do
is take baby steps
and that ain't any fun

nothing drives me crazy
like baby steps
I want to race
without a pause
when people say
"just take baby steps"
I want to punch them 
in the shnozz 

          I don't need any interference
          with how I live my life
          you could put your advice on clearance
          but I will not recognize
          what you are saying

I don't need
no stinking baby steps
it's getting old
you must admit
you can take 
your baby steps
and stick them in
baby shit