crickets

call of the crickets
listen fast before they fade
winter's approaching

nothing but waiting

life is nothing but waiting
a fact that's pretty tough
you put in all your effort
but it's never good enough
and so you keep on trying
day in and day out
but nothing ever happens
what's that all about?

whiskey and cornbread

when I was a boy
I'd dream of a world
under the stars
harmonicas
guitars
riding through canyons
with yesterday's girl
a cowboy's life for me

now sometimes I go camping
in a four wheel drive
the only time I ever
feel halfway alive
with the moon as my lantern
and the stars above head
and supper is
whiskey and cornbread
supper is
whiskey and cornbread

when I was a boy
I'd dream of a place
wild and free
where I could be me
learning to live
with a smile on my face
a cowboy's life for me

now sometimes I go camping
in a four wheel drive
the only time I ever
feel halfway alive
with the moon as my lantern
and the stars above head
and supper is
whiskey and cornbread
supper is
whiskey and cornbread

Quicksand

I tell you, man, I have to work so fuckin' hard just to keep things going, and it's never enough.

Welcome to the real world, farmboy.

I know, I know. It's just that I get frustrated...like everybody else, I guess. It's one big ol' frustrated world. Hand me down my Klonopin.

What's frustrating you, farmboy?

I'm trying to make my life better. I'm trying to make a fuckin' transformation here. 

I'm walking more, I'm working out at the gym, no more processed foods. I try everything I eat on a fitness app. I see a therapist every week and a psychiatrist every six weeks. I pay a bundle for a trainer at the gym. I really can't afford to do it, but he's really good and he's made a huge difference in my life. I'm playing a lot, I'm writing. I'm, as they say, making all the right choices.

Anyway, I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. I'm afraid I'm getting discouraged and I don't want to be. I want to keep fighting.

Fighting? Explain, please.

It's like there's something that wants to pull me under and I'm fighting against it. Sometimes I feel like I'm in quicksand. I keep trying to get out...

And that's what's keeping you in.

What the fuck does that mean?

I don't know. But it sounds good.

I guess I just need to see some progress. Maybe I'm being impatient -- I'm sure I am -- but I really need some indication that I'm moving forward.

Proof.

Proof.

I just need to know that my work is not in vain, man.

wild side

boy's got a wild side
and he's gonna take you for a ride
you think he's taking it all in stride
but he ain't
boy's got a wild side
too bad his daddy never tanned his hide
you think he's the devil inside
but part of him's a saint

          he's a rodeo rider
          and he ain't nothing but true
          he's a heartache survivor
          and he's looking for someone like you

boy's got a wild side
this ain't no alibi
he sure ain't chicken fried
he's brave as he can be
his loneliness can't be denied
he needs a girl by his side
someone to make him starry eyed
to the nth degree

          he's a rodeo rider
          and he ain't nothing but true
          he's a heartache survivor
          and he's looking for someone like you

boy's got a wild side
but he's got two hoping eyes
and two arms open wide
that happen to be your size
boy's got a wild side
but he'll be true to you

the man who loved maps

he was the man who loved maps
he'd peel the paint off the front porch
or from the bedposts
making imaginary pieces of earth
continents, islands, fjords,
mountains and oceans
he lived here in town
but not really
his mind and heart
were in faraway places
that only he knew

thoughts

my thoughts wait
in crooked lines
vying for my attention
I don't appreciate
the countless times
and do I have to mention
that my thoughts think they own me
they believe they've overthrown me
my thoughts think they own me
but they don't

my thoughts keep
right on talking
through everything I do
I try to sleep
but I'm sleepwalking
home without a clue
my thoughts think I'm the hired help
that can't take care of himself
my thoughts think I'm the hired help
but I'm not

          clear this mind 
          from all this crap
          believing all your thoughts 
          is just a trap

my thoughts change
with every minute
like they can't make up their minds
they rearrange
they reach their limit
and leave me far, far behind
my thoughts think I live for them
so I think I'll ignore them
my thoughts think I live for them
but I don't
I could pay attention
but I won't
and do I have to mention
that my thoughts think they own me
they think they've overthrown me
my thoughts think they own me
but they don't

when I get lonely 2

when I get lonely
I talk to myself
hopefully there's no one around
to my imaginary 
someone else
I'm sending out serious sounds
we discuss the world
we talk about life
we smoke lots of weed
in the middle of the night 
when I get lonely
I talk to myself
I'm my only friend

when I get lonely
I drink lots of wine
the cheap stuff from Trader Joe's
I try to pretend
my pain can be denied
but it's everything I know
so I pour one glass
then I pour two
then a few more
to carry me through
when I get lonely
I drink lots of wine
I'm my only friend

when I get lonely
I pity myself
you don't want to be around me
I nag and complain
with the worst mental health
that you could ever see
but at some point when 
I know I can't win
I find some way
to start over again
when I get lonely
I pity myself
all I need is a good friend

don't set yourself on fire

don't set yourself on fire
to warm somebody else
find people who will take you
for yourself
some people will try to use you
abuse you
and confuse you
don't set yourself on fire
to warm somebody else

notes

I don't have words
but I have musical notes
and I'm giving them to you

autumn

days are much shorter
the leaves are changing color
autumn has arrived

every day I walk

every day I walk
like I have somewhere to go
everybody I meet
is someone else I'll never know
everything I do
no results until tomorrow
and tomorrow never appears

when I get lonely

when I get lonely
I talk to myself
hopefully there's no one around
my imaginary 
someone else
sending out serious sounds
we discuss the world
we talk about life
we smoke lots of weed
in the middle of the night 
when I get lonely
I talk to myself
I'm my only friend

when I get lonely
I drink lots of wine
the cheap stuff from Trader Joe's
I try to pretend
my pain can be confined
but it's everything I know
so I pour one glass
then I pour two
then a few more
to carry me through
when I get lonely
I drink lots of wine
I'm my only friend

when I get lonely
I pity myself
you don't want to be around me
I nag and complain
with the worst mental health
that you could ever see
but at some point when I'm
convinced I can't win
I find some way
to start over again
when I get lonely
I pity myself
all I need is a good friend

last month's rent

I'm trying to figure out
where all the good times went
I swear they were here
just a minute ago
they're now all memories
gone like last month's rent
all the hopes and dreams 
I used to know

every day's the same
time doesn't move here
where you work and work
and nothing ever changes
ask for something for yourself
and you begin to disappear
with only failure left
to entertain us

          I know I'm complaining
          but I have no clue
          it takes some explaining
          but life won't do
          what I want it to

I'm trying to figure out
where all the good times went
I swear they were here
just a minute ago
they're now all memories
gone like last month's rent
all the hopes and dreams 
I used to know

sometimes my sadness

sometimes my sadness
is bigger than a Montana sky
with colors like summer
a canvas for the Fourth of July
but my sadness knows no colors
of its own
the grayness of the fog
is all that's known

sometimes my sadness
is cold as a northwestern wind
howling through factory towns
where the hardships never end
but my sadness knows no distance
it can go
to satisfy the hunger
that it knows

          my sadness
          is gonna be the death of me
          my sadness 
          is gonna be the death of me

sometimes my sadness
disappears at the strangest times
at the sight of a friend
at a crossing of a "no trespassing" sign
but my sadness always returns
to attack
my sadness always
comes back

          my sadness
          is gonna be the death of me
          my sadness 
          is gonna be the death of me

sometimes my sadness
is bigger than a Montana sky

medical marijuana

everywhere I turn 
trouble sits waiting
positioned to strike
and ready to pounce
so instead
of anticipating
I buy a bag
that's eighty bucks an ounce
and I drift off
I close my eyes
when the world attempts
to cut me down to size
it calms me down
it turns me around
and sometimes I'm glad I'm alive
sometimes I'm glad I'm alive

all these words

all these words
to be put in order
but I don't know
where to begin
some are long
some are shorter
confusing me
again and again
which words 
cannot be trusted
which words
meet bitter ends
either way
they have me busted
why can't words
be my friend? 

my imaginary friends 2

my imaginary friends held a meeting
and decided to vote me out
I fell to the floor, shaking
crying "what is this all about?"
they said you're taking us for granted
we're really not too bad
and besides, we very well may be
the only friends you have

my imaginary friends threw a party
they danced the twist and shout
except me, alone, with my hash pipe
guess I was the odd man out
I asked why didn't you invite me
I would have loved to go
but they pretended they didn't hear
I'm thinking the answer is no

          woe is me
          nothing but pain and sorrow
          in my life of misery
          oh woe is I
          my imaginary friends
          have left me far behind
          
my imaginary friends called me over
I thought they had good intentions
everyone was in attendance
they had me for an intervention
they said I was addicted
to the joys they give to myself
they told me that abandonment
was my way to my mental health

          woe is me
          nothing but pain and sorrow
          in my life of misery
          oh woe is I
          my imaginary friends
          have left me far behind

Nothing but bad luck

Goddamn it, man. Everything goes fuckin' wrong. All I have to top is fuckin' breathe and everything fucks up. I shouldn't even try. I mean, what's the fuckin' use? I'm just gonna die anyway, without anything ever happening.

What's wrong, farmboy?

I'm so fuckin' frustrated with every little thing going wrong. I mean, I can't fuckin' move without something fuckin' up.

So what's gone wrong?

All sorts of little things that just add up to one big thing. You know, things falling, things not working...it just all fuckin' adds up. I don't know what the fuck to do. It's like I'm nothing but bad luck.

Just rest, farmboy...

I know, I know, I should breathe, I should take a Klonopin, I should fuckin' do everything that never fuckin' works. Goddamn it. Jesus Christ.

Just relax, farmboy. It all seems major now, but it really isn't. This will pass.

Good things will come?

Yes.

They fuckin' better.

knock on wood

today I woke up early
and I walked around the neighborhood
I had time
I was bored
my doctor says it'll do me good
so I kept on pushin'
living my life
the way I should
and maybe that's how I'll start tomorrow 
knock on wood

today I heard a banjo
and it rang like quicksilver bells
up and down the highway
past the bars and the two-bit motels
I looked upon my past
and simply said "fare thee well"
I hear the future calling
and I need to hear
the stories it can tell

today I gave a whistle
to the dogs out howling on the street
to the ones who decide and deny
to the cops on the beat
I salute everyone
who attempt to make their lives complete
their heads full of dreams
and gravel beneath their feet

today I woke up early
and I walked around the neighborhood
I had time
I was bored
my doctor says it'll do me good
so I kept on pushin'
living my life
the way I should
and maybe that's how I'll start tomorrow 
knock on wood

all the usual stuff

today I did 
all the usual stuff
you do to prevent 
your life getting rough
no matter how much, 
it's never enough
and you're left complaining
that's all that's remaining

today I did
all the usual things
you do when nothing
is happening
looking in envy
on birds on the wing
and it's the same old same old
you do just what you're told

          it's all the stuff that gets done
          despite the fear that'll eat you alive
          it's all right there under the sun
          right there before your very eyes

today I said
all the usual lines
one says when one
is falling behind
you ask how I am
I say never mind
but in the end it don't matter
it's just another rung on the ladder

shotgun Saturday night

I need somebody
I don't know who
maybe that
somebody is you
hey hey all right
we got a juke box loaded
like a shotgun Saturday night

open window

life's an open window
to a broken future
but you can fix it 
if you try
but it's your backyard
the work is hard
but you'll get through 
by and by

my imaginary friends

my imaginary friends held a meeting
and decided to vote me out
I fell to the floor, shaking
crying "what is this all about?"
they said you're taking us for granted
we're really not too bad
and besides, we very well may be
the only friends you have

autumn

days will get shorter
and the wind will be howling
autumn's approaching

yes in a world of no/new verse

and when I was a young man
my dreams, like eagles, did fly
they soared up to the heavens
in a brave and open sky
I would have never imagined
they'd be falling like dominoes
but still I keep looking
for a yes in a world of no

the way they're planned

the day was dark and dreary
like the day before
when you dressed for work
and walked out the front door
never to return
well, what little lesson have we learned?
the real world's not Disneyland
and things never work out
the way they're planned

life happened

life happened 
when I wasn't looking
now it's down the road
and here I am
life happened 
when I wasn't looking
now I'm stuck here in 
this traffic jam
millions of people around me
none of us knows a damn thing
an ocean of pilgrims surround me
and they're surrendering
everything

afraid of time

I'm
afraid of time
it is not mine
to blindly spend
is
it such a crime
to mention time
is not my friend

it keeps rushing
like the subway
and I always
miss my stops

I'm
afraid of numbers
they take space
inside my brain
problem is
all those numbers
are more or less
the same

they keeps rushing
like the subway
and I always
miss my stops

I'm
afraid of people
when you know them
too damn well
they will turn
the tables on you
they will sentence you
to yourself

they keep pushing
like the subway
and I always
miss my stops

I can't afford to be hopeful

I can't afford to be hopeful
'cause whenever I'm hopeful
that's when everything falls apart
why hold my hopes high
just to watch them float by
especially concerning my heart

forgive

Jesus forgive me
and the sins of my illness
hold me in my tears