Here in California

Hey! Long time no hear!

Yeah, it's been busy here in California and I just have a minute so I thought I'd get in touch. All is pretty good and the family reunion was fuckin' amazing. I'm so glad I went. Now I'm staying in my hometown with my stepmother and it's been good. There's been some stress having to do with friends and phones but nothing I can't take care of.

I'm glad you're having a good time. I've missed you.

I've been missing you too. But I'll be back next week.

Man, I hate saying this but I need to go. My ride's here.

Thanks for getting in touch, farmboy. See you next week.

You got it, pal. I'm looking forward.

Adios, amigo

Oh, man! I 'm going to California in just a little while.

Are you nervous?

Oh course I'm fuckin' nervous. But it'll only be two and a half hours, then I'll see my brother and my stepmother and all sorts of family.

But I will miss you...

There are phones, you know. Call any time.

I will.

Have a good, safe, fun trip.

I'm going to. You have a good time here, okay?

I will, farmboy. See you in a couple weeks.

Adios, amigo.

I seriously love many people

I wished I liked alcohol.

That's an interesting way to start a conversation.

I'm serious. I haven't been drunk in years. I like marijuana better.

(rolls eyes) Really? I would have never noticed.

Fucker. Fuckin' sarcasm does not suit you well, pal.

What brings up alcohol?

I'm going to my family reunion day after tomorrow, and I should maybe figure out my drinking procedure.

What do you think?

Actually, I should just see what's there and how I feel. With luck or the Good Lord willin' I'll get some marijuana and I won't have to deal with any of this stuff.

You could just be sober and straight.

Believe me, the family reunion is best done under the influence. It's just a fuckin' great time. I seriously love many people there. And there's Mexican food, of course.

Which makes me think: I could just buy a 12-pack of Coronas and some limes.

Which would go well with marijuana...

Now you're talkin', son.

Twelfth day walking

Farmboy, did you just walk in from being outside?

Yeah, how'd you know? (sniffs armpits) I didn't sweat that much.

I looked for you in here, but you weren't here.

I went on my fuckin' walk. I'm trying to walk every day. Started a couple weeks ago. Today was my twelfth day walking.

Good so far.

I guess.

Try to enjoy the process, farmboy. Really, walking can be fun.

I went through an illness several years ago and I never really recovered. It can be hard for me to walk.

Damn, farmboy, I had no idea.

Yeah. Anyway, I'm trying to get more stamina. I'm eating better and I'm more active. And you're right, I need to learn to enjoy the process. I've never been good at that. Except for the first, like, 10 years of writing songs. I couldn't not write then.

Anyway, I want to walk, I want to be active, I want to be part of the human race before I die,you know? I know I'm being overdramatic, but I want to learn to enjoy the movements of my body. I'm tired of being afraid of my body and my mind.

I'm here to support you in this. I'm proud of you, farmboy. I'm glad to see you take action.

Thanks. I really didn't want to go walking today.

But you did.

Yeah. Boy, it's hard, man, because some days I just don't want to go out that door.

I know. You want to isolate yourself.

Isolation...It just seems so much safer.

But it's not, farmboy. Not to that extent.

I know. I've been doing better with that this summer.

I've noticed.

It's been pretty positive so far.

You've been pretty positive...

So far.

I want perfection now, damn it!

Man, you know, the music thing...I never wanted anything so badly. It's amazing to me. I would ask "What is this music stuff?" except I really kind of like the whole mystery thing. And I was born to it. I was born to this. Even if I never make a dime, I'm a pretty lucky guy. I've had a blessed life.

I'm glad you know that. I'm glad you don't take it for granted.

So, let's see, now that I've done that fuckin' highfalutin' musical philosophy stuff, what question can I ask you today?

I think we should stick to musical philosophy, farmboy.

Nah. I'm done tuckered out.

What if I ask you questions?

Oh, yeah, sure.

If you could sing like any singer, who would you sing like?

That's easy. Marvin Gaye.

Marvin Gaye?

Marvin Gaye. He could be smooth, he could be rough, he knew jazz, he knew standards. Dude fuckin' had it all.

Well, except for a dysfunctional father...

Yeah, well, I ain't talking about that. I'm talking about the voice, the phrasing. Dude had a God-given talent...

Like you.

I fuckin' wish, man.

In your own way, with the songwriting.

Okay, I'll accept that and I'll say thank you. But I'm not sure I deserve it. I got a ways to go.

It's that old process thing.

Pain in the fuckin' ass. I want perfection now, damn it!

Do you enjoy processes?

You mean, in general or the process of, say, writing.

In general.

I think once I'm in them and there's no way back, I can get an enjoyment of the process. It's the fuckin' waiting for something to happen that fuckin' pisses me off, y'know? It causes me a lot of anxiety. But once I'm going I'm good.

I glad to hear you say that. Because your in the middle of a big process right now.

Oh yeah? A process for what?

I can't tell you, but it's musical. And it's personal.

That's it?

Hey, I'm not a fortune teller. I'm an interviewer.

Then how do you know this stuff?

I just know, farmboy.

Freckles and a good heart

Man, I'm so fuckin' dissatisfied with my life. I wish...

Wait! Here's an idea. Tell me everything you wish for concerning yourself. Just make a big list. Don't think at all. Just get it all out in the open.

What? I don't think so. Sounds like one of those self-help exercises on the internet. I ain't gonna do it. No way, man.

Fine by me. If you're too scared to do it...

You fucker. Okay. (takes deep breath) Here goes.

I wish the summer wasn't going by so fast.

I wish I could make a living with music.

I wish I was better looking.

I wish I wasn't so afraid all the time.

I wish I was more physical.

I wish I could get laid.

I wish I didn't know so much.

I wish I knew more stuff.

I wish I was out of debt.

I wish my bedroom was clean.

I wish my parents were still alive.

I wish I was younger.

I wish I didn't have to die.

I wish I liked drinking whiskey.

I wish I lived back in Austin, Texas.

I wish I could always live by my brothers and my sister and their families.

I wish I could live my childhood over again and get it right this time.

I wish I could afford to buy fresh salmon and take-out Thai food.

I wish that the guitar that got stolen would magically return.

I wish I had smoked marijuana in high school.

I wish the CD player in my car still worked.

I wish I could buy a new computer.

I wish I was good at swimming and bicycling.

I wish I could fall in love with a country girl with freckles and a good heart.

I wish I liked vegetables more.

I wish I wasn't so financially unstable.

I wish I enjoyed Christmas more, because it can be a beautiful time.

I wish I could meet Willie Nelson, Ira Glass, and Bruce Springsteen.

I wish I liked red wine and feta cheese.

I wish I had a good ol' dog.

There. I'm done. For now.

Well, I'm glad you got all that out of your system. It can be relieving to let out some of your emotions.

So, were there any surprises?

Yeah. A big one. I had no wishes concerning the quality of my own music.

Also, you had no wishes concerning new friends and family.

Interesting, huh? I'm actually leaning about myself here. Maybe I'll do more lists like this.

Try it. It couldn't hurt.

Except I'm sure that this has got to be very, very, very boring.

Not at all. You're learning about yourself, that's all that matters.

I'm glad you think that,because this all seems a bit...well, self-centered. Beyond self-centered. Is there a word for it? Narcissistic?

I don't think that's the word. I wouldn't worry about any of this, farmboy. You're learning about yourself.

Okay. I'll take your word for it. But I'm not sure...

Well, then you're not taking my word for it, are you?

My head fuckin' hurts.

My summer of being human

So do you have your apartment to yourself again?

Yeah. My friend left this morning, but he'll be back in a week. He's going to stay here while I'm in California. He writes books as well as songs and he wanted to have a place he could stay for a little while to write.

Did you have a good time?

I did. It was fun. Which was a surprise for me.

You know, I'm doing this new thing. Last summer I did nothing but worry and worry and worry about money. This summer is my summer of being human. Of accepting the fact that I'm a member of this fuckin' species. So that means I see people and have fun and walk and eat good things. I don't isolate myself all the time.

That sounds great, farmboy. It really does.

Well, we'll see how it goes. I want experiences this summer. I want to take chances. I want to not be so fuckin' afraid of everything. You know, I figured out recently that I walk on eggshells...around myself! I mean, is that the most stupid thing in the world? I mean, jeez, c'mon, give me a fuckin' break.

It is pretty useless...

You got that right. I figure if I don't like it I can always go back to being miserable.

But it's gonna be...interesting, y'know? 'Cause if I'm opening myself up by being human then I'm opening myself up for all those fuckin' feelings, y'know? Fuck. But, shit, I wind up having all those negative feelings anyway. I mean, I'm not exactly the poster boy for mental health.

You've been growing, farmboy. This summer's been good for you.

Yeah, I've been lucky in a lot of ways.

You have been eating better from what you've told me.

Yeah, and I actually think that may be part of things improving. But I haven't had to go through all sorts of trials this summer. I've been very fortunate. I've been very blessed. But I'm very aware that everything could just fall through, crash through the roof, y'know? I'm just hoping to build up some muscles before anything happens.

So yeah, this summer's been good so far. I'm hoping it stays that way.

Well, you're doing your part, farmboy.

Well, I'm fuckin' trying.