attempting to fly

I climb up this building
I stand on the ledge
no open window
I look over the edge
I look at the ground
I look at the sky
I picture myself
attempting to fly

you say I won't jump
but what if I do
what reaction would come
from inside of you
see you someday
in the sweet bye-and-bye
look out below
I'm attempting to fly

testimony

mental illness
poverty
you have stolen my childhood
from me
now it's time for you to see
the damage that you've done

deep inside imagination

I close my eyes and I see colors
blue and green and cool and calm 
disappearing in my bloodstream
gentle as a healing balm
you are a land I'd like to live in
you are breathing in my dreams
deep inside imagination
nothing is quite like it seems

I am still the same shy child
no matter how old I become
moving at a snail's pace
in a race I can't outrun
give me time and give me humor
and I'll do whatever you say
deep inside imagination
you can pick and choose your way

top dog

I'm the top dog
I'm the big cheese
I'm both park place and boardwalk
in monopoly
I'm the cream in your coffee
and the apple of your eye
I'm chicken teriyaki
and thanksgiving's pumpkin pie

I'm the top dog
yeah, I'm first class
I'm best picture at the oscars
you can bet your ass
I'm number one
in the first degree
but I don't feel like the top dog
if you're not here with me

But mostly it's music

Well, man, here it is, Tuesday, and I'm all ready for the fuckin' work week to end. Ain't that sad? I know I shouldn't be so negative.

It sounds pretty normal to me, farmboy.

Yeah,, I guess it is. Anyway, now I'm home and I shouldn't be thinking about my fuckin' job. I should be thinking about music and other good stuff.

What other good stuff?

Um….I don't know, man. My life is pretty filled up by music, you know. I know I should probably have other interests -- and I do -- but music is so ahead of everything else that it's just life to me.

So, let me ask you, farmboy. What other interests do you have?

You know, stuff like geography and maps and that kind of stuff. Watching videos of people doing dangerous things from high places, 'cause that scares me to death. I like looking up different animals on the computer and finding out all about their lives. Stuff like that.

But mostly it's music. And that's not a bad thing.

It's a good thing, I would say.

Oh, man, it's saved my fuckin' life. No wonder I'm obsessed by it.

some sleep

I don't know if I'm depressed
I don't know if I'm happy
all I need some sleep
doctor, give me some pills
please
thank you
make it snappy
man, I need to get some sleep
my blankets are waiting
to keep me company
I'm anticipating
my chance to get some z's
I don't know what I'm doing
but I know I'm in deep
all I need is some sleep

richard

richard greets me at the door
with a song and a smile
and says "good to see you
haven't seen you for a while"
I don't tell him I'm in trouble
and I've been depressed
I'm stuck in my apartment
like some kind of house arrest
but richard knows that
I don't know how
but that's not what we're talking about now
we're talking music
we're talking songs
and richard brings me back into
a world where I belong

richard hands me a guitar
and gets himself a uke
my voice is rough and hollow
and it makes me want to puke
but richard says I'm good
and encourages me
it feels good to feel
like I'm part of the family
and richard knows that
it's natural as the wind
he opens up his heart
and invites everybody in
with songs of faith and courage
that are needing to get played
and richard brings me back into
a world where I'm okay

body of mine

I know sometimes
I take you for granted
and expect you to do
all that needs to get done
I know my mind
is less than enchanted
and too many times
it tells you "no fun"
but I want to say thank you
for all that you do
I don't know how
but you always come through
healing and feeling just fine
body of mine

I mean, I'm not in extreme pain

Man, I am so fuckin' glad that it's the weekend. I'm so fuckin' tired.

I think you're still recovering from your recent illness, farmboy.

That viral infection thing? Yeah, I'm still going through that. It's just hanging on and messing up my nose and face, plus now there's that fuckin' pre-ulcer condition that's come back to keep me company.

Well, farmboy, your life has been more stressful lately. I'm sure that's adding to your physical problems.

I'm sure it is. The drag is that drinking coffee makes it worse. So I've been drinking tea, but you know how much I love coffee. But, really, I know that's a small thing in life. All this illness stuff is, actually. I mean, I'm not in extreme pain. I should just stop whining.

But you've been feeling bad, farmboy. It's okay to whine when you're sick.

Really?

All right, maybe whining isn't so good. But you still have the right to complain a little,
if it helps.

Which it does. It relieves the pressure, somewhat.

So go ahead and complain.

Eh, I don't want to. I just want to relax and enjoy the freedom of this wonderful weekend.

one step closer

turn down the heater
get into bed
turn on the radio
pull the covers
up over your head
and dream a dream
of a long time ago
when you were a kid
you played by yourself
and used your imagination
and believe it or not
a single thought
brought you one step closer
to creation

I don't want to wake up
I don't want to wake up

house arrest

I am living under house arrest
but there's nothing locked around my ankle
I am the prisoner
and I am the guard
every part of me is put to test
my pain is yours to sample
I am sentenced to life
behind these front-door bars

a good night's sleep

there is nothing I want more
than a good night's sleep
where all my aches and pains
worries and regrets
are, for one night,
silenced
and maybe I can wake
and not hate the morning

A genius, whatever that is

So, farmboy, what music have you been listening to lately? As I remember, you were going to start listening to music on a regular basis.

Yeah, it's been weird, man. Ever since I got that viral infection I haven't been wanting to listen to much. I just listen to podcasts, you know, talk talk talk. Either that or silence. There was this one night, when I was at my viral-worst, I was just fuckin' drinking in the silence. It was coming in waves. I was miserable, but that was enjoyable as hell.

But I get some things, you know. Today I heard a track from the new Bob Dylan album of Frank Sinatra covers.

I heard about that. How was it?

Not bad. Beautiful pedal steel playing, nice arrangement. It all depends on how much you like Dylan's singing. It depends on the performance for me. Sometimes I like his singing, sometimes I go "Who is this guy?"

He definitely has his own style, I'll say that.

Ah, but he's a genius, whatever that is. So was Sinatra, who's singing I love, at least that stuff in the 50s and 60s.

I love those performances too.

Yeah. I'd like to hear his album of Bob Dylan covers.

the other way

I hear my heart beating
a rhythm relentless as the rain
falling outside my window
painting streets silver and gray
I can feel my brain moving
thought on top of thought 
all night and day
most of them have no meaning
I discard them and look the other way

if I wasn't

if I wasn't so lonely
if I wasn't so strange
if I wasn't so desperate
for something to change
I would just be a stranger
that's who I'd be
somebody totally different
from me

Bored

I'm bored.

You're never bored, farmboy. You have songs to write, books to read, questions to ask. You've got a guitar, a computer, and an imagination. How can you be bored?

I think I've just been at my fuckin' apartment too much, man, with, like, being sick and shit. I need to go out. I need to see people.

I can't believe this is you talking…

I'm not saying I want to, I'm saying I need to. There's a difference.

Well, farmboy, I'm glad that you're recognizing that you need to be around others. I know how you can isolate yourself.

Yeah, I isolate myself a lot.

What are you going to do about it?

I don't rightly know, man. I am going out to have a coffee with a friend tomorrow, though.

Good start.

I'm looking forward to it, man.

awake anyway

I hear the creaking of the furnace
I hear the ticking of the clock
I hear some dude on my radio
and I'm hoping that he's talk-
ing me to sleep
but I keep
staying awake anyway

This fuckin' illness

Well, man, I went back to work today.

How was it, farmboy?

Good, I guess. Only a few students, so it was pretty easy. 

How are you feeling?

I'm getting there, man. This fuckin' illness…fuck, it just about did me in, in some ways. I mean, I'm being overdramatic, but it was fuckin' miserable.

Did you ever find out what it was?

It was a viral infection that the doctor said I probably picked up at the school or the bus or something. It's getting better. I'm, like, 70% recovered. Still got a sore throat but the sores on my face are healing, Which is a good thing, 'cause I look like a fuckin' meth addict, a tweaker.

I'm glad you feel better, farmboy. And I'm glad you didn't pass it on to me.

Yeah, you and a whole room of students and staff. I'm so fuckin' glad I have sick leave I can take, I tell you.

a short song about a long life

there was a man
his final year was at 100
and he was very glad
that he had lived
he had seen many lands
and learned many skills
and the wisest one was
learning to forgive

a story of my own, take two

I don't know
if I have a story of my own
to tell you
I'm not sure 
there's anything to say
you see,
sometimes I don't 
know myself too well
you'd 
be smart
to turn and walk away

I've got ways
to jump start my heart
but they're not working
I've looked inside
all my memories
everywhere I go
there's always trouble lurking
and I don't think
that's what you want to see

          I want to be the hero 
          of this story
          just for one moment
          I want to be on top
          all my life, 
          everyone's ignored me
          and now I'm requesting
          that everybody
          stop

story of my own

I don't know
if I have a story of my own
to tell you
I'm not sure 
there's anything to say
you see,
sometimes I don't 
know myself too well
you'd 
be smart
to turn and walk away

Real nice lady pharmacist at Walgreens

Hey, man.

Hey yourself, farmboy. How're you feeling?

Still sick. Fuckin' sucks.

This sickness seems to be holding on.

I called my doctor's office for an appointment, but they were completely full. I went to a real nice lady pharmacist at Walgreens who said that there really is no over-the-counter stuff that helps, just the stuff I've been doing. Tylenol, gargling with warm salt water, that kind of stuff.

Is it helping?

I hope so. If I don't get better by Monday, I'm going to the doctor.

stranger to me now, rewrite three

I don't want to wrestle
with the past anymore
I'm going away
there's nothing to say 
I don't believe
I can last anymore
you're a stranger to me now

every dream
where my heart was at stake
is now in the past
dreams never last
I once dreamed of you
but now I'm awake
you're a stranger to me now

          yesterday
          falls to decay
          like a rock in the tide
          it crumbles away
          gold turns to silver
          turning to gray
          you are slowly
          disappearing

I don't like the person
I turned out to be
so I'm beginning again
shedding my skin
there's a whole new somebody
waiting for me
you're a stranger to me now

I don't need to wrestle
with how everything was
I can tell you goodbye
with completely dry eyes
if you ask me
I'll just tell you because
you're a stranger to me now
you're a stranger to me now

rewritten verse -- stranger to me now

I don't like the person
who I turned out to be
so I'm beginning again
shedding my skin
there's a whole new somebody
waiting for me
you're a stranger to me now

Being sick is a full-time job

Man, I'm so fuckin' sick and I don't know what it is.

What sorts of symptoms do you have, farmboy?

For one, I'm barely sleeping. I'm getting some sleep, but I never relax and I don't know how long that can go on. But I'm trying not to worry about anything right now. Being sick is a full-time job, you know?

I've also got a throat that feels like sharp edges when I swallow, and I've been getting the chills -- you know, when you become, like, incredibly cold.

Any ideas?

I'm no expert, farmboy, but I would go to the doctor if you continue to feel those things.

Yeah, I will.

Really?

Really.

I hate being sick. I'd almost rather go to my fuckin' job.

taking Christianity back

I choose how I pray
I wouldn't have it any other way
and it's none of your business
what I believe
and I'd appreciate you not knocking
on my front door
but since you did, I won't run away
in fact, I've got a few things I'd like to say
and I sincerely hope
that you don't feel attacked
I'm taking Christianity back

thirsty

I am thirsty for quiet
I want to drink it down like water
I want all the noise and static
to disappear
all I need is silence
maybe then I'll start to heal
so just for one single moment
get all that sound
out of here

winter break ending

winter break ending
back to the fuckin' grindstone
no fun for farmboy

equilibrium (possible final bridge)

my mind's a neon sign
telling me that I should
get out, baby,
while the getting is good

not ready for snow

I have coffee
I have donuts
if I have to leave my home
I'm gonna go nuts
it's bad out there
it's cold out there
and me without my
thermal underwear
so it's no
I'm not gonna go
must be forty below
I'm not ready for snow

What I do like this time of year

Hi, farmboy. Happy 2015!

Yeah, yeah, I been through this every fuckin' year and the older I get, the more it's just another day, you know?

Would you like me to get off your lawn?

Sorry, man. I don't mean all that stuff in a bad way. What I mean is that I know it really is just another day. I don't dislike New Year's Day or Eve by any means. I'm just not doing anything that distinguishes it from any other day. And that's fine.

What I do like this time of year --besides the time off, which is wonderful -- is all these lists and articles and podcasts about the best music of the year. 

I love those radio broadcasts. I feel like I get to discover new artists.

Exactly! It's exciting. There's this guy, Chris Staples, that I just discovered from NPR. He's fuckin' great.

You didn't make a best-of list this year. What happened, farmboy?

Basically, I put more time and energy into my own songwriting than I did paying attention to other songwriters. Which is necessary for me right now.

Now, that's a good thing.

Yeah, I'm pretty fuckin' pleased with it.